The Minnesota Timberwolves are ass-backwards right now. 4-0 on the road and 0-3 at home. My first instinct is to burn the Target Center down, but I’m pretty sure it’s full of 1989 asbestos and Tony Campbell’s spare tires. We can’t risk poisoning Prince on the one day a year he goes out to buy purple shoes.
It’s all perfectly explainable.
November 2 against the Portland Trailblazers –
Even Blazers fans know the referees screwed us. OJ’s verdict made more sense. We can only hope that the Blazers end up stealing some sports memorabilia, go to prison for 20 years and write a book called “If We Did It – The Story Of Paying The Refs”. Glen Taylor must have dry-humped Adam Silver’s mom at the sweetheart’s dance in 1916 to warrant this kind of hate.
November 5 against the Miami Heat –
Sam Mitchell played Rubio, Towns and Wiggins a total of negative three minutes that game. Dwayne Wade had 150 points. Goran Dragic summoned Veles, the Slovenian dragon god of cattle and trickery, to intercede and make us forget how to play basketball. Tom Brady deflated our balls.
November 7 against the Charlotte Hornets –
We didn’t have Rubio, Wiggins or KG in the line-up. We also had to go up against Jeremy Lin and his giant, cartoonish fauxhawk, which should be illegal because it gives him three feet more space to flop with. Lin is a devout Christian. Well, buddy, the Ninth Commandment says “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” And according to this Wikipedia page I just read, the punishment for bearing false witness was having the same thing done back to you. So…I guess if you’re a good Christian you will come back to Minneapolis and let 30 people pretend to get hit in the head by you. That’ll show you!
Next up we play Golden State Warriors at home. Oh boy. Nothing says breaking a home losing streak like playing arguably the most dominant team since the ’96 Bulls. Veles, be with us!