The San Antonio Spurs seem perfect. Everything that’s ever been a weakness to them, they’ve turned around and made an advantage. Think they’re too old? They just used their Social Security to buy anti-aging blood transfusions. Think they’re boring? Now they’re the most exciting team in the league. Wait, now they’re too flashy? Look again, they’re boring again! You can’t keep up with these bastards.
The Timberwolves play the Spurs on Wednesday night and while it’s highly unlikely that we’ll get a win, we do have a chance if we focus on their minuscule faults.
Everybody knows the Spurs are old. It’s getting old that they’re old. They’re so old they actually can’t remember the Alamo anymore. They’re starting to get so old that they actually look young. Like a first term president. Maybe the fact that we’re so incredibly young will confuse the Spurs, like rap music to Baby Boomers? I’m assuming that the Spurs’ locker room has a high-tech ADT system that won’t let anybody in under the age of 32. Perhaps the three actually old Timberwolves can infiltrate the Spurs’ pre-game Gold Bond party as spies and steal their game plans?
Another potential weakness of the Spurs is the relative unfamiliarity of their newest star, LaMarcus Aldridge, to the San Antonio system. I suggest we expose this situation by trying to make Aldridge forget he doesn’t play on the Portland Trailblazers anymore. Unused Wolves players like Adreian Payne can carry their weight by yelling Portlandy stuff like “Pass it to Lillard!” and “Hey guy on a unicycle, is this basketball certified organic vegan?” It’s not fair that the Spurs got Aldridge and I full-heartedly support bad sportmanship to equalize him. The Spurs getting him is like the Wu-Tang Clan getting Kendrick Lamar. Haven’t you had enough success you, pampered rodeo clowns? Time to ride into the sunset, Kemosabe.
It’s really hard to think of another crack in the San Antonio facade. My last guest is that maybe they’re tired of winning. The Spurs, even before Duncan, have been a 50 win season 99% of the time since the early 90s. Did you ever see that shitty Nicholas Cage movie where he’s an angel and he decides to become human because he’s an idiot? That’s what San Antonio should do. They know what it’s like to win five championships. Now it’s time they turn into the Sacramento Kings. I want to see locker room fights, coaches that hate the players’ guts and star players only if they are also complete dickheads. That’s going to be a tough one. Tim Duncan seems like the kind of guy who runs a freelance Model UN for orphans. The only chance I see is of a last minute trade for Lance Stephenson, who then gets the whole team addicted to street Adderrall which makes them all think Poppovich is a NARC and they beat him unconscious with ten gallon hats.
Damnit, we’re screwed.