We just lost to the Sixers. THE SIXERS! A fricking squad possibly made up of two basketball players and a gaggle of Lacrosse rejects. You know how people never count George Mikan as one of the top ten players of all-time because he practically played with peach baskets and definitely only played against rigid, dorky white men who never left the ground without a ladder? The Sixers would lose to elderly George Mikan laying on his back.
And still they creamed us. It’s like getting beat at Monopoly by your dog. It shouldn’t even be possible. I’ve been trying to keep it positive this year, but screw it. I can’t take it anymore. My Minnesotan passive-aggressiveness has reached full capacity and it’s nuclear meltdown time.
It’s time to fire Sam Mitchell’s sorry ass.
He sucks. He sucks so bad. He is the DeAndre Jordan free throw of coaches. He is 85% of the reason why we are losing. The other 15% is a combination of youth and Wiggins’ Canadian side thinking beating a team is too mean. The only coach worse than Sam Mitchell is Byron Scott and I’m still not convinced they’re not the same person. They’re both so antiquated, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them starting telling their players to shoot granny-style. If Sam Mitchell were a life coach he’d be telling people to sell their car, buy a pile of silver and stack it for safe-keeping in their mailbox.
Some people think we can’t fire an interim coach. After all, he’s only the head coach because Flip Saunders passed away. Interim coaches don’t often get fired. Well, Popes don’t usually resign but Pope Darth Sidious did and look how shit turned out after that. Is Sam Mitchell Catholic? Can we implicate him in some shady priest relocations? At this point, I’ll settle for any excuse. He hasn’t seen “Hunger Games: Mockingjay”? Fire him!
Fire Mitchell’s ass. Do it in ways that he’ll understand. How did people fire people 100 years ago? Shit, send him a telegram. He’ll think Randy Breur is finally returning his message.
Dear Sam Mitchell, STOP
You are fired. STOP
You are fired because you wouldn’t play the good players when it mattered. STOP You are fired because you run an offense that hasn’t been used since basketball shorts hugged players’ assholes. STOP You are fired because you have the ego of a reality TV chef without any of the ideas or success. STOP You are fired because thinking Zach LaVine is a point guard is dumber than Zach LaVine himself. STOP
Just stop. STOP That first stop was a real stop. STOP
Next up we play the Denver Nuggets at home. What does it matter?