Sam Mitchell Induced Writer’s Block

Posted: 03/30/2016 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I haven’t written a Timberwolves blog in a long time.  How could I, when Sam Mitchell has beaten, slapped, squeezed, tea-bagged and Timberwolved all the joy out of everything that made the team fun?  My heart is broken, like Zach LaVine finding out Space Jam isn’t real.

I got depressed.  I didn’t want to write 20 blogs in a row about my burning hatred of Mitchell and how I JUST KNOW they’re going to hire that human centipede full time this summer.  How we’ll sign Karl-Anthony Towns’ alter-ego “Karlito” and then pick up “Lil’ Penny” to make him feel more at home.  Then we’ll trade for some geezer named “Jellybean” who was old enough to play in Morris Day & The Time and start him over one of our future All-Stars because “I’m Sam Mitchell and I know everything, except how stupid having one earring looks on a grown man in 2016.  And basketball.”

Being a Timberwolves fan is like going to a mall with tons of cool stores that all promise to be open next year.  What are we supposed to do in the meantime?  Enjoy this kiosk?  I don’t want a Superman belt-buckle or hermit crabs, I want goddamn Lego Land open!  This mall has been under construction for 14 years!  Our losing record can almost legally drive to this hypothetical mall!


Timberwolves fans from 2004-present

A break was needed.  But now I’m back.  I’m back for all the highs and lows and lows and lows.  I’m back for Bill Simmons actually saying the first nice thing he’s ever said about the Timberwolves.  I’m back for our future draft pick and rising stars, even though it’s less clear who’s steering this ship than who’s running the Illuminati.  I’m back for the soon-to-be-refurbished stadium, because when this beast was built Heavy D & The Boys were still cutting edge.

Just please…whoever’s calling the shots out there in Timberwolf Land – don’t hire Sam Mitchell.  I’ll take anybody else.  I’ll take Kurt Rambis, the panda from above, the weird hitch-hiking robot from Canada that New Jersey destroyed.  I’ll take this other Sam Mitchell, who I accidentally found in a Google search and seems to be some kind of rugby/cricket/white-person-ball player from Tasmania who dresses like a sporty bumblebee:


I bet he’d play Towns

Next up we play the Clippers in Minneapolis.  Blake Griffin is almost back from his suspension for punching a staff member.  Suddenly I want him on our team.

Go Wolves!


  1. Nicholas says:

    You as a writer shows your lack of knowledge and just pure unprofessionalism. All that you talked about did not have anything to solidify your dislike for Mitchell as a coach. It’s not a professional dislike but a personal one that has nothing to do with the game. What dies his earring have to do with coaching? This man has won coach of the year unlike the other name you threw out there and he deserves a level of professional respect. What is it about him that leaves you less desired? That he speaks the truth and actually understand where this team is regardless of the talent level and is working to develop this team? Or that he isn’t coaching the agenda that so called reporters want hime to follow because you think that because you talk about the game and read analytics it makes you an expert coach now when most of you reporters talk about the game because you have no athletic ability and probably never touched a basketball more less played the game. This man played and coached and it his accolades are never mentioned! Only personal hatred because he’s a polished black man who understands the nuances and details of the game that is over the reporters comprehension. This is pathetic! We should be calling for you to get fired and let you see how it feels to be criticized not because of your job skills but because you are not the popular liked reporter. All this hate for a coach that has made strides more than any other previous coach there including the late Flip makes absolutely no sense. We are at 25 games with virtually the same team that we won a total of 16 last year. GTFOH hater!

    • lazyeca says:

      Really? Yeah, sure, the problem isn’t the whole nepotism which has afflicted the organization for years and years, and from which Mitchell has been one of the biggest beneficiaries, the organization’s problem is a comedian having a blog.

      While the team finally improved a bit after a long and problematic series of games, Mitchell still instills a type of game that’s plain and simply outdated. Most plays end up in long twos, too many of them contested. Defense is questionable, even though Rubio excels at it, Wiggins is a potential great defender, KAT already is, Tayshaun has been one throughout the years, Dieng’s not a bad defender – yet, we often concede too many points, and are way too erratic at this point. This isn’t “virtually the same team that we won a total of 16 last year”. Rubio is far more healthy, the bench is arguably better, KAT is here, Zach’s more consistent in both ends, and essentially, we aren’t *officially* tanking. To this record, it helps that the first 15 games were REALLY good. But, Mitchell insisted on playing LaVine at the 1, scratching ALL the scorers from the 4th, and putting the young guys in bad games for way too many minutes, so that, quoting Mitchell himself, they’d “learn through suffering”. Most players don’t benefit from being in every single bad moment and getting bench time during the good times or the ones they could be a positive part of.

      But, essentially, it comes down to this – you shouldn’t be happy with having a good enough coach when there are better ones available. With a spot so enticing as the Wolves one finally is, we should go for the best one available.

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