I haven’t written a Timberwolves blog in a long time. How could I, when Sam Mitchell has beaten, slapped, squeezed, tea-bagged and Timberwolved all the joy out of everything that made the team fun? My heart is broken, like Zach LaVine finding out Space Jam isn’t real.
I got depressed. I didn’t want to write 20 blogs in a row about my burning hatred of Mitchell and how I JUST KNOW they’re going to hire that human centipede full time this summer. How we’ll sign Karl-Anthony Towns’ alter-ego “Karlito” and then pick up “Lil’ Penny” to make him feel more at home. Then we’ll trade for some geezer named “Jellybean” who was old enough to play in Morris Day & The Time and start him over one of our future All-Stars because “I’m Sam Mitchell and I know everything, except how stupid having one earring looks on a grown man in 2016. And basketball.”
Being a Timberwolves fan is like going to a mall with tons of cool stores that all promise to be open next year. What are we supposed to do in the meantime? Enjoy this kiosk? I don’t want a Superman belt-buckle or hermit crabs, I want goddamn Lego Land open! This mall has been under construction for 14 years! Our losing record can almost legally drive to this hypothetical mall!
A break was needed. But now I’m back. I’m back for all the highs and lows and lows and lows. I’m back for Bill Simmons actually saying the first nice thing he’s ever said about the Timberwolves. I’m back for our future draft pick and rising stars, even though it’s less clear who’s steering this ship than who’s running the Illuminati. I’m back for the soon-to-be-refurbished stadium, because when this beast was built Heavy D & The Boys were still cutting edge.
Just please…whoever’s calling the shots out there in Timberwolf Land – don’t hire Sam Mitchell. I’ll take anybody else. I’ll take Kurt Rambis, the panda from above, the weird hitch-hiking robot from Canada that New Jersey destroyed. I’ll take this other Sam Mitchell, who I accidentally found in a Google search and seems to be some kind of rugby/cricket/white-person-ball player from Tasmania who dresses like a sporty bumblebee:
Next up we play the Clippers in Minneapolis. Blake Griffin is almost back from his suspension for punching a staff member. Suddenly I want him on our team.