Archive for April, 2016

OMG OMG OMG!  Tom Thibodeau is our coach!

I realize this is a few days late, but I live in Minneapolis.  Prince died and everything officially shut down while a giant chunk of downtown became a three-day dance party.  We lost our purple president.  It’s like if 69 Kevin Garnetts died.

However, I’ve had a moment to regroup and it’s time to re-commence my excitement:

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Come on ride the Thibs Train! Yeehaw! (Photo: Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

Yes, there are concerns about his overplaying players, driving them into the ground and therefore causing unneeded injuries.  That may or may not be true, but it’s a small concern.  If you’ve been driving a Ford Focus for 15 years, you don’t complain because your new Ferrari doesn’t have a cup-holder.

Many people are wondering how our young team is going to fit in with this hard-nosed workhorse.  Will they fall apart under the pressure or flourish with the new discipline? Here’s how I predict it will go with each player individually:

Karl-Anthony Towns – KAT is going to be a 25ppg/12 rpg player next year.  Thibs’ intensity will only make him work harder and he’ll become a top ten player on his way to eventually becoming the greatest big man in NBA history.  Basketball will be renamed “KATball” and every player will be required to have an imaginary friend.  He’ll be elected ruler of the new world when we colonize Mars and will rule over 1000 years of peace.  I’m freaking out!  I LOVE KAT!!!

Andrew Wiggins – This will go either one of two ways.  Either his nice-guy Canadian DNA will cause him to wither in the face of a screamy, meany-face coach or it’ll unlock his inner mutant like Deadpool. I’m hoping for the latter. In fact, Wiggins won’t fully arrive until he becomes so enraged that he rips Thibs’ throat out like a vampire and sets the Cannuck flag on fire, screaming “I denounce everything Canadian and hereby proclaim my home as HELL!”

Ricky Rubio – It’s really hard to imagine our little Care Bear Ricky with tough-guy Thibs.  It’s also hard to imagine his knees holding up under the work.  The good news is, Ricky could never jump before, so he can blow his knees out 250 times and still have the same speed/vertical.  I think Thibs is going to execute 45 shooting coaches to make this work.

Zach LaVine – LaVine is the only one out of this group that I think will be unfazed by all the ferocity.  LaVine is just too chill and oblivious.  I’m pretty sure Thibs could strangle LaVine’s hamster in front of him and he’d still be wondering if he set his DVR to record “Empire”.

Kevin Garnett – Thibs is Garnett.  Garnett is Thibs.  They are a match made in heaven.  If these two men were mob bosses and I got caught ratting on them, I’d hang myself so I wouldn’t have to get skinned alive, rolled in honey, thrown to a genetically modified killer bear, then beaten to death with a folding chair on fire.

Shabazz Muhammad – Guess who’s not going to be sneaking girls into hotel rooms when he’s not supposed to anymore?

Gorgui Dieng – Dieng runs like a choo-choo train. Look at him next time he plays.  He doesn’t move up or down when he runs and his arms hang low like they’re on the tracks.  This has nothing to do with Tom Thibodeau but I’ve been wanting to say that for a while.

Nikola Pekovic – Upon hearing about Thibs’ hiring, Pek’s legs immediately turned to dust.  Pek is currently a $20 million cloud floating over Yellowstone National Park.

Nemanja Bjelica – One soft European + one insanely psychotic, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen coach = What could go wrong?

Adreian Payne – Adreian has a lot of talent.  Maybe Thibs can unlock that and scare away some of those stupid extra vowels in the process?

Tyus Jones – Probably the only player who, if Thibs makes him sad, can run back to their mother in Burnsville.  Nothing a Karmelkorn Treat Center stop at the Burnsville Mall can’t fix.

Tayshaun Prince – Thibs and Tayshaun will spend most of the year reminiscing about graduating high school together.

Damjan Rudez – Rudez also looks forward to being introduced to the team.

Greg Smith – 10 day contract guys are like handjobs.  Are they really worth counting?

Next up for us is a lottery pick and free-agency.  Let’s sign all of them!

Go Wolves!

Well I’ll be damned.  Glen Taylor can make good decisions after all. All it took was for him to pay someone else to make them.  Mr. Peanut just hired some fancy-pants consulting firm, who I’ve never heard of but I know they’re fancy because someone told me they were, to vet and choose the next Wolves coach and president.

I’ve heard that when he’s not busy being a Magneto double, Taylor’s actually a really nice guy.  But is this really the dude you want making basketball decisions for your team?

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“You guys listening to the rippity-rap? No, I’m not a cop.”

Do you realize what this means?  This means someone who is good at decisions will be making them.  My god!  What’s that like?  And he fired Mitchell!  Taylor doesn’t fire his friends, he gives them bonuses for being stupid and then buys them a bathtub gin and a Model-T Ford.  “Ah woo gah!”

So who’s going to be the replacement?  There are a few candidates for the new Timberwolves coaching position:

  1. Tom Thibodeau – He’s a workhorse and he stresses defense, which is something we’re as familiar with as Mongolian literature.  However, I recently talked to a retired Timberwolf who played with Thibs when he was an assistant for us and he called him “Dumb as shit.”  That really has nothing to do with anything but it’s awesome.
  2. Scott Brooks – He kind of looks like Steve Kerr.  Maybe that’ll translate into a 73 win season next year?
  3. Dave Joerger – Minnesota guy.  That’s all it takes for Minnesotans to want someone around.  Minnesotans would take Jerry Sandusky if he were from Maplewood.
  4. Jeff Van Gundy – Only if this happens every game.
  5. Mark Jackson – Eh, who needs a coach  anyway?

That’s it for our season!  We ended up with 29 wins, which is disappointing if Flip were still in the picture but really great considering he wasn’t.  We have a potential top five lottery pick coming up this summer and the Target Center is getting renovated.  I say this every year but NEXT YEAR WE’RE GOING TO BE AWESOME!  See you next season when I come up with all the other excuses for why we still suck.

GO WOLVES!