Archive for October, 2016

Things started off so well.  After a 20-3 lead in the first quarter against the Grizzlies, I all but anointed us the new superpower in the West.  We were going to topple the Golden State Warriors in the Western Conference Finals and then sweep the Cavs in a series that without doubt would make LeBron James start checking out homes in Plymouth next to Cole Aldrich’s duplex.  Karl-Anthony Towns was on his way to a 51 point night, Andrew Wiggins would become meaner than KG at Carmelo and La La Anthony’s anniversary party and Kris Dunn and Ricky Rubio would sign a blood pact to work together forever and have 100 assists per game until 2030.

Then we got Wolvesy.

Towns stopped scoring, Wiggins missed free throws that a real mean person would have made and Ricky’s shot almost missed the backboard, which is actually a slight improvement for him.  Did I miss the memo about the Grizzlies hitting threes all of a sudden?  The Grizzlies don’t shoot threes!  That’s like Bowser suddenly being the fastest accelerator in Mario Kart.  These are not the rules we agreed upon!  Bowser’s fat ass takes forever to get going, nobody gets to be Odd Job in Goldeneye and the Memphis Grizzlies are plodding, bulbous sea-cows who don’t hit anything out of bean bag toss range.

We got cocky.  And that’s Minnesota Karma Punishment 101.  We don’t get arrogant in Minnesota.  We bundle up, plug in our Vitamin D lights so we don’t get seasonal depression and imagine that everything horrible that could happen will, because it usually does.  I once wore shorts on an unseasonably warm day in April and then it stayed cold until the first week of June and it’s ALL MY FAULT.

So now we have our attitude readjusted to proper Upper Midwest standards.  We are going to be good, but damnit we haven’t earned the swagger yet and we paid for it against the Grizzlies.  Remember Kevin Love?  He was a miserable bastard who hated every second of his life here and we won 40 games his last season!  That’s like being undefeated by Timberwolves standards.  I recommend that all Wolves players not properly familiar with the Minnesota mindset recite this to themselves every night before bed:  “We don’t deserve to win.  We are the Brooklyn Nets with less hope.  We are the Philadelphia Sixers if they were dumb enough to think they were a real basketball team.  The Washington Generals have a better chance of beating the Globetrotters than we do of making two shots in a row.  We should really just stick to what we’re good at, which is convincing ourselves that living in a tundra is normal and not talking to people unless we’ve known them for 15 years.”

sadkid

Nemanja Bjelica demonstrating the proper way to act in Minnesota.  Also, did you know that Bjelica has a first name?  It’s pronounced “Noot-Bot”.

That ought to appease the karma gods.  81-1 here we come!

Saturday night we play the Kings in Sacramento.  We’ll probably lose to them because they are the most dysfunctional team in the NBA and we are horrible people who deserve everything that’s coming to us.

Go Wolves!

frostywolves

Timberpups Howl!

The Minnesota Timberwolves are going to be good this year.  Of course I say that every season, but this time I mean it.  Yeah, we haven’t had a winning season for the entirety of this blog’s existence and the first post was literally about how we were finally going to be good that year.  But no joke we are probably going to possibly maybe not suck this year.  Did I jinx it?  Crap, I think I just jinxed it.

This isn’t like the time I thought Anthony Bennett was going to learn how to play basketball, or the time I pretended like Nikola Pekovic wasn’t Greg Oden with none of the talent and more of the drinking problem.  This is legit.  We are just like the 2009 Oklahoma City Thunder.  A very young team bursting with talent, who gradually grew from phenoms to a perennial title contender, only to be inevitably decimated and broken up by egos and Big Market aspirations.  Shit.

Here’s why I think we’re actually going to be awesome this year:  Damnit, it’s our turn.  I know that life isn’t about fairness but our season has ended in April for so many years that I’m not even sure that NBA players know Minnesota has warm weather anymore.  I don’t think the NBA is rigged, but they should 100% rig this season to give us at least a 45 win season.  45 wins!  I don’t think that’s greedy.   Just enough to give us an 8th seed in the Western Conference.  Then everybody will get to see Minneapolis in the springtime.  We’ll show everybody Dinkytown and the 30,000 apartment buildings that Bob Dylan might have slept in according to all the landlords.  We’ll take people pontooning and warn them about the dangers of speading Zebra Mussels.  Hell, we can even let people see St. Paul if they’re into trees or sleeping or something.  You know, the Minnesota experience.

This is our year.

Knock on wood.

wolves2017

Photo from hofmag.com

First game of the season is against The Grizzlies in Memphis on October 26.  Remember when they were the Vancouver Grizzlies before cell phones existed?  We were good then!

GO WOLVES!