Archive for February, 2017

kat

You made his cat sad. Photo from nbacatwatch.com

There’s been some vicious snubs in the world lately.  Donald Trump’s replacement pick for National Security Advisor turned him down because he doesn’t know anybody from Russia.  People flipped out that Adele beat Beyonce because everybody forgot that the Grammys are a steaming pile of manatee poop and mean about as much as a Hug Award from your mom.  My body said no to me just now when I tried to go for a jog because I run like a duck and gummy bears are not a good warm-up snack.

But no snub is more vicious than Karl-Anthony Towns being left off the 2017 NBA All-Star team.  What does a bitch have to do?!  He’s averaging 23.7 ppg, 11.8 rpg, 2.9 asp, 1.4 bpg and has the third best smile in the league after fellow Timberwolf Andrew Wiggins and former Timberwolf Corey Brewer.  (Most underrated smile is Tom Thibodeau’s, which comes out as often as Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog, but looks like a drunken badger that just discovered Scientology.)

Who are all these chumps that got the nod over Towns?  Allow me to go through the list and break down why they don’t deserve it.  I’m only going to go through the Western Conference because 1) Towns plays in the West and 2) Literally anybody who can dribble in a straight line and doesn’t have 4 DUIs gets into the All-Star Game in the East.  Kurt Rambis is playing in the East.  Fuck the East.

Stephen Curry – If Stephen Curry is so hot then why was he drafted after Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn, huh?  Overrated!  You’ll always just be Dell Curry’s son to me!

James Harden – Has anybody bothered to ask why James Harden’s beard is so big?  I’ll tell you: PEDs.  He hides PEDs in his beard during games and when he does that little “mix it up” pantomine after scoring points he’s literally mixing up his meds.  Illegal!

Kevin Durant – I don’t know if I can even talk about Kevin Durant in the West because if the East wins he’ll just go over there next year.

Kawhi Leonard – Kawhi Leonard is not a real person.  He’s an emotionless robot created by Gregg Popovich using spare salsa he found in Texas for organic matter and the extra “Gs” in Gregg’s stupid first name.  SHOULD NOT PLAY.

Anthony Davis – Anthony Davis looks like the kind of guy who’d have really wet palms.  Just a creepy dude standing in the corner with his (literally) trademarked unibrow getting everything slimy with his disgusting swamp hands.  It makes the balls greasy and unusable.

Russell Westbrook – This man is a danger to everything and everyone around him.  If you thought Anthony Davis was creepy, wait until you see Westbrook’s “Silence Of The Lambs” dungeon where he keeps and tortures all the people who looked at him sideways or cut him off in traffic or stole his Urkel glasses.  Unsafe!

Klay Thompson – I hate Klay Thompson’s stupid face so much.  It looks like the thing they lay terrorists on when they waterboard them.  He looks like Screech if his dad were rich.  So what, you can shoot threes.  I saw Manute Bol hit six threes once.  You ain’t special!

Gordon Hayward – Who?

DeMarcus Cousins – I actually think DeMarcus Cousins might physically track me down and hurt me if I write something here so I’m leaving it blank.

DeAndre Jordan – Really?  We’re letting insurance salesmen in now?

Marc Gasol – Token European.

Draymond Green – Draymond Green is 100% an All-Star of kicking people in the balls.  He’s that punk from Duke if he were somehow less likeable than Duke.

None of you are better than Karl-Anthony Towns!  KAT is Michael Jordan mixed with Hakeem Olajuwon mixed with Megan Fox and BBQ chicken with extra BBQ.  I have issues!

Next up the Wolves play Dallas in Minneapolis on the Friday after the All-Star break.  KAT WILL PLAY THE MAVS 1-ON-12 AND WIN!!!

GO WOLVES!

lanceblow

No caption necessary

The Minnesota Timberwolves have signed journeyman, famous ear-blower and Dion Waiters soulmate Lance Stephenson to a 10-day contract.  On the surface, this seems like it has no downside.  What can happen in ten days, anyway?  Oh yeah:

donald-trump

Stephenson is a bit of an anomaly.  He seemingly has all the physical talent in the world mixed with the maturity of a third-grader who didn’t get his Fruit Roll-Up.  He’s like Yosemite Sam without any guns or a hat or a home.

And yet, I’m optimistic.  I have to be, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  Optimism is all we have.  Every true Wolves fan is delusionally under the impression that “MAYBE THIS IS IT?”.  Michael Beasley, JJ Barea, Andrei Kirilenko…it always seems good on paper.  And then they smoke themselves silly (and leave an estate sale full of wine stains and decorative eggs), get into fights about who’s the alpha on the team even though they’re 4’2″ and physically crumble like a Russian tea cake someone left on Boris Yeltsin’s radiator.

BEST CASE SCENARIO:

Lance has a resurgence a la Dion Waiters in Miami and we sign him for the rest of the year.  He continues to blow in LeBron’s ear (because that is awesome).  His former mentor, Larry Bird, is so moved by Lance’s redemption story that he leaves the Pacers’ front office, gets a robotic spine and returns to basketball as a Timberwolves player, beginning our run of 33 consecutive NBA titles.

WORST CASE SCENARIO:

He accidentally kills Karl-Anthony Towns on Day 3 after bringing an ATV to practice.

WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN:

Lance will be Lance.  And by that I mean an idiot.  He’ll have a few amazing shots, but mostly will swing his dick around and possibly bring a Nintendo Switch onto the court.  We will sign him for the rest of the year, because we are Minnesota.  He’ll be in China by summer, which is where former Timberwolves go to feel better about themselves.  He’ll average 45 ppg until he blows into Chinese leader Xi Jinping’s ear, after which he’ll spend the rest of his life making LeBron James’ shoes in a basement in Beijing.

Next up we play the Raptors in Minneapolis.  Screw you, Toronto!  You’ll never get Maple Jordan back!

GO WOLVES!!!

 

Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year.  The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker.  I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas.  Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable?   “G-String” McGee?

To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore.  I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix.  He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A.  I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls.  Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying.  Enemies for life.

So I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals.  I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to hire me straight out when he hears these:

Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry. 

Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school.  We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math.  But it works out for everybody.  We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.

Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries. 

Hear me out.  We need a guy to boo.  Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.)  Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people.  But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas.  We get a guy who is okay at basketball and more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues.  Hello ticket sales!

Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney

Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player.  But hey, neither was Darko Miličić.  Just look at that last name.  It looks like even Miličić’s letters are trying to leave him.  If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too.  But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team?  Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray.  We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes.  And “G-String” McGee can join too!  Win-Win!

fancyray

“My my my!  I am the BEST looking 12th man in the NBA!”

Thank me later, Thibs.

Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night.  Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.

Go Wolves!!!