unfun

Photo from rebloggy.com

I thought this would feel different.  I thought when the Wolves were finally in the playoff race for the first time since “Friends” got cancelled that I would be over the moon, like during KG’s return home game or when Burger King started selling Lucky Charm’s milkshakes.  Instead, I feel confused, conflicted and slightly lackadaisical, like I do after three Lucky Charms milkshakes.

Canis Hoopus posted a great article about how to enjoy the Timberwolves this season.  It was helpful, but I think they slightly underestimated how unfun the Wolves have been to watch this year.  Technically, at 16-11, we are getting the job done.  But it has been ugly and painful like a dentist who jabbed the Novocaine into your forehead, but still got your wisdom teeth out, then, for no apparent reason, made the dental technicians stay until midnight.

It’s kind of jarring to go from losing with the flash of Ricky Rubio and Zach LaVine to winning with…what?  Memphis 2.0?  We’re more Shit ‘N Blind than Grit ‘N Grind.  We’re not particularly good at anything as a team, but our top players are just so individually good that we can fluke our way into a win if the team’s top player is out for the night.  Which seems to be a trend.  Either Aaron Brooks’ actual purpose on this team is to Tanya Harding everybody’s knees before the game or else nobody is scared of us, because it feels like the last superstar we played against was Isiah Thomas.  The short pants one.

Here are some ideas that could help make our team fun to watch again:

  • Attach sleigh bells to Jeff Teague.  This will serve a double purpose by not only ringing in the Holiday Spirit to the team, but alerting Jeff that he should pass the ball after 2-3 jingles instead of the whole damn song.
  • Allow fans to punch Cole Aldrich in the face when we are frustrated.  It’s not personal.  He’s already missing teeth, he never plays and he’s making a ton of money.  Serve a greater purpose, Cole.
  • Instead of giving fans Cherry Berry when the opposing team misses two free throws in a row, give it to Thibs on the sideline and zoom in on the jumbotron until he gets brain freeze.  I’m too lazy to redeem that ice cream anyway and I’ve always wanted to know what a constipated rhino looks like.
  • Jimmy Butler karaoke at halftime.  Only Hootie songs.
  • Spectacular injuries.  How much drama did the Gordon Hayward injury add to the Celtics year?  I’m not saying any players should do this.  I’m thinking assistant coach Rick Brunson could perhaps get hit in the face with Crunch’s t-shirt gun and get carted off before returning Willis Reed style.  We get some much needed drama.  He gets some attention and a free shirt.  Win-win!
  • Stop losing to shit teams.

Next up we play the Philadelphia 76ers at home on Tuesday.  Aaron Brooks will have the night off from wacking knees because according to my sources half the team just fell into a swimming pool and broke their pelvises.

GO WOLVES!

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