Archive for January, 2018

darko-milicic

I’m convinced that God hates Minnesota.

Maybe it’s because we have a town named Odin?  Maybe he hates the Mall Of America because having four magnet stores is the modern day Tower of Babel?  Maybe he thinks Atmosphere is wack?  All I know is that the Minnesota Timberwolves are 27-16 right now and we can’t jinx this shit by acting like we’re all fancy pants.

Whenever a Minnesotan thinks we’re doing all right, we get the rug pulled out from under us.  Think 2004 Wolves, think 2016 Vikings, think season 2 of the TV show “Vikings”, think Prince after the Batman soundtrack because fight me that shit was awesome, think me in yoga class when I finally got crow pose and then fell on my face and possibly farted.  We haven’t had this good of a record since I had hair and I’ve been bald for a really long time.  If we screw this season up I’m gonna lose my eyebrows from stress and then how am I supposed to act surprised when Shabazz Muhammad passes the ball?

So I’m gonna take one for the team.  Literally.

We suck.

We deserve to lose and surely this is not reverse psychology towards God and the universe.  Jimmy Butler?  Dude’s horrible.  We’d be better off with that Finnish guy who looks like Screech.  Karl-Anthony Towns plays Twitch so much because he’s trying to drown out the voices that tell him to strangle baby ducks.  Andrew Wiggins is the Defensive Player Of The Year (<— reverse psychology inside of reverse psychology, bitches!) and has a really gross smile.  Taj Gibson is LAZY.  Tyus Jones is actually from Des Moines.  Jamal Crawford is afraid to shoot because all of his tattoos are fake and they might smudge off when he moves.  Jeff Teague voted for Trump.  Gorgui Dieng’s arms are physically incapable of leaving his hips while running (this one’s actually true).  Marcus Georges-Hunt hates “Gorgeous Gorgui” because he thinks HIS nickname should be “Gorgeous Georges”, which does make more sense phonetically, but SCREW THAT LOCKER ROOM POISONER!  Belly doesn’t shovel his sidewalk in the winter and just puts down salt that hurts your dogs.  Cole Aldrich hates “Mighty Ducks”.  Aaron Brooks puts “Smooth Move” herbal laxative tea in Shabazz Muhammad’s Gatorade and it doesn’t matter because Shabazz plays three minutes a game.  Justin Patton and Anthony Brown are conspiracy theories made up by Kyrie Irving.  Tom Thibodeau is just a tree stump that someone drew a face on.  And all Timberwolves fans think Nikola Jokic is better than Towns, miss David Kahn and Kurt Rambis dearly and can’t wait until the most exciting thing at the Target Center is the Cherry Berry give-away again.

Phew.

You’re welcome.

Up next we play the Knicks in Minneapolis, where we’ll surely lose because we really screwed up by getting rid of Michael Beasley.

GO KNICKS!

Tyus Jones, Alex Caruso

AP Photo/Jim Mone

In case you didn’t know, the Los Angeles Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers.  Granted, this was back when it was almost all whites dudes and people still played with peach baskets and medicine balls.  Shoes were worn on the court solely because exposed toes were considered too sexual.  A highlight reel consisted of George Mikan scoring eight million points without ever leaving his feet.  BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT TO.

52-53_lakers

Remember when all the kids wore their flat-footed “Vern Mikkelson” Converses? From NBAhoops.com

Still, that team belonged to us.  We won five of the Lakers 16 championships in Minneapolis.  You know, the land of LAKES.  And then the team left.  I honestly don’t know the full story because I didn’t have time to read the telegrams, but I understand it wasn’t exactly acrimonious.  Think of how Seattle feels about Oklahoma City now, except with the NBA fanship roughly the size of curling.

Flash forward past civil rights and the discovery that smoking is bad during halftime to last night.  The L.A. Lakers were in town to play the Minnesota Timberwolves and these SUMSOFBITCHES wore their throw-back “MPLS. Lakers” jerseys.  That’s like if Seattle actually did get a team again and OKC showed up wearing a Shawn Kemp style “Supersonics” jersey to rub it in.  Or if the New Orleans Pelicans played the Charlotte Hornets and wore their retro jerseys as the New Orleans Hornets, even though technically they aren’t considered a part of that franchise anymore even though they drafted people as Hornets that ended up as Pelicans.  No, wait.  I’m confused. THE POINT IS, IT WAS SHITTY and there are only one of two explanations for the Lakers’ rationale in doing so:

  1. They are so egocentric as a team that they thought they were honoring us by wearing the name of our city in OUR HOUSE, even though it was ripped from our hands back when people ate lead for fun.
  2. It was a direct “F-You!” to Timberwolves fans.

Being a Minnesotan with a passive-aggressive inferiority complex, I’m going with #2.  So “F-You!” back, L.A.  You have 11 championships.  Those other five were won in a rollerskating rink in Minnesota when there were three teams in the league.  The finals were decided by a coin toss and you don’t get to claim them unless you are intimately familiar with Hubert Humphrey or at the very least Louie Anderson.

My how the roles have flipped.  Minnesota is looking like a #4 seed and the Lakers are a place that Dwight Howard’s sad sack doesn’t even want to go to, so you definitely ain’t getting LeBron.  The only new big name you guys are getting is Jack Nicholson’s gastroenterologist. So suck it, Los Angeles.  You snowbirds couldn’t take the cold anyway.

Next up we play the Nets in Brooklyn, a team that will never ever attempt to wear a throw-back jersey:

bradley

Photo from s304.photobucket.com/user/nbacardDOTnet