Welcome To Minnesota, Karl-Anthony Towns!!!

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We did it!  We drafted the correct player, Karl-Anthony Towns, with the #1 pick!  What is this strange, uncomfortable feeling?  Is it hope and optimism?  This is Minnesota.  Where sometimes the snow DOES come down in June, but the sun has NEVER gone ’round the moon.  WELL, THE SUN JUST WENT ‘ROUND THE MOON BECAUSE WE DIDN’T FUCK UP!  Vanessa Williams you sweet milf, I love you!  I am way more excited about a 19 year old than a 37 year old bald man should be!

Now that Towns is one of us, it’s time he take a tour of our wonderful city.  I would like to be the man to do that.  Here are the places I would take him.  (We also drafted the super talented Tyus Jones at #24, but that dude is from here.  He already knows where the Electric Fetus is.)

The Cherry Spoon thingy – Most people don’t know what the cherry spoon is all about.  Some people joke that it belongs to a very greedy heroin addict.  Some say it’s encouraging people to eat humongous fruit.  But it’s actually an analogy for the Minnesota Timberwolves.  The cherry is the team.  The giant spoon is Karl-Anthony Towns.  The moat is the last 11 years.  CARRY THE CHERRY, Mr. Towns.  Carry the motherfucking Cherry.  We’ve sucked so bad for so long that this actually makes sense to me.  #carrythecherry.

The Fancy Ray McCloney wall mural on Lake Street – Not only is it important to show Karl-Anthony Towns what Minnesota expects from him, but to show him what he can expect from Minnesota.  And that is total devotion.  If he promises to love us, we promise to love him.  That means he can expect to be about as famous as this mural of Fancy Ray McCloney.  It IS Minnesota, after all.  Now that may not sound like much on the surface, but everybody loves Fancy here.  He’s like Prince, if he were weirder but more likely to be spotted at an Arby’s in St. Louis Park.  I once saw him running around the track at the YMCA in a red leotard with curlers in his hair at like 1pm.  Let’s start there.  If Towns does good maybe he can reach Al Franken levels of superstardom.

The Minnesota Institute of Arts – This place is a really great museum.  So many cool artifacts and sculptures from every imaginable place in the world.  I would take Towns here to show him that we have a real appreciation for life and art in Minneapolis.  And then, by the South American boat section, I would lean in to his ear and say “If you ever leave us like the others, I’ll fucking hollow you out like this boat and ride your carcass to Lima.”  And then he’d say “What?” And I’d say “Nothing. You’re really good at free throws.”

Well, barring any trades, that’s pretty much it for the summer.  I’ll pop in if something big happens, but until then GO WOLVES!  SUCK IT, OKAFOR!  ENJOY BEING THE 76th Center in PHILADELPHIA!

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I Hate Golden State Warriors “Fans”

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Fuck Golden State Warriors fans.

Warriors fans outside of California are like Canadians who tip.  They don’t exist.  These fake posers didn’t even know who the Warriors were until Dell Curry’s and Mychal Thompson’s sons showed up.  Wherever I go now I see every damn person wearing Golden State gear as if that beanie weren’t a Lakers one five years ago, a Heat one three years ago, a Cavs one two years ago.  Hey jerky, I got a safe team for you to sport:  Check out the Harlem Globetrotters.  They never lose!

And fuck Kevin Durant.

You don’t join the team that beat you.  Michael Jordan didn’t join the Pistons in 1989.  I didn’t join the people who depantsed me everyday in 3rd grade, pulling down my own pants trying to get approval just because I wanted to be on “the winning team”.  No.  I suffered alone and then carried all my baggage into my 30s, because that’s what adults do!

But fuck Golden State Warriors fans even more.

Seriously, you’re gonna act like this is “your team”?  Name one player that played for that sorry-sack team after Run TMC and before Babyface McGrossmouthguardchew.  And if you don’t know who Run TMC is  I swear I will find you and slap the Hatchimal out of your hands because you are 12 and I am threatened by youth!

And fuck Kevin Durant again.

When did this whole “I just have a favorite player” thing start?  What a gutless way to always be winning.  I’m a Timberwolves fan until I die (or Glen Taylor accidentally sells them to another state for more Cosby sweaters). Being a Timberwolves fan is grueling, confusing and disheartening.  We are the most excited we’ve been in 13 years and we’re 11 games under .500.  Jared from Subway is going to get out of prison before we make the playoffs.  But damnit, this is our TEAM.  We don’t jump ship.  We support our team and hang tight until that special moment when we’re 95 on our deathbeds and all the marine life in the world has died and the air looks like the sky from “The Matrix” and Vince Carter is finally retiring and we say “Did the Timberwolves make the playoffs yet?  No?  Okay good, I don’t like change” and then we die.

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Tom Thibodeau Is Our Coach!

OMG OMG OMG!  Tom Thibodeau is our coach!

I realize this is a few days late, but I live in Minneapolis.  Prince died and everything officially shut down while a giant chunk of downtown became a three-day dance party.  We lost our purple president.  It’s like if 69 Kevin Garnetts died.

However, I’ve had a moment to regroup and it’s time to re-commence my excitement:

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Yes, there are concerns about his overplaying players, driving them into the ground and therefore causing unneeded injuries.  That may or may not be true, but it’s a small concern.  If you’ve been driving a Ford Focus for 15 years, you don’t complain because your new Ferrari doesn’t have a cup-holder.

Many people are wondering how our young team is going to fit in with this hard-nosed workhorse.  Will they fall apart under the pressure or flourish with the new discipline? Here’s how I predict it will go with each player individually:

Karl-Anthony Towns – KAT is going to be a 25ppg/12 rpg player next year.  Thibs’ intensity will only make him work harder and he’ll become a top ten player on his way to eventually becoming the greatest big man in NBA history.  Basketball will be renamed “KATball” and every player will be required to have an imaginary friend.  He’ll be elected ruler of the new world when we colonize Mars and will rule over 1000 years of peace.  I’m freaking out!  I LOVE KAT!!!

Andrew Wiggins – This will go either one of two ways.  Either his nice-guy Canadian DNA will cause him to wither in the face of a screamy, meany-face coach or it’ll unlock his inner mutant like Deadpool. I’m hoping for the latter. In fact, Wiggins won’t fully arrive until he becomes so enraged that he rips Thibs’ throat out like a vampire and sets the Cannuck flag on fire, screaming “I denounce everything Canadian and hereby proclaim my home as HELL!”

Ricky Rubio – It’s really hard to imagine our little Care Bear Ricky with tough-guy Thibs.  It’s also hard to imagine his knees holding up under the work.  The good news is, Ricky could never jump before, so he can blow his knees out 250 times and still have the same speed/vertical.  I think Thibs is going to execute 45 shooting coaches to make this work.

Zach LaVine – LaVine is the only one out of this group that I think will be unfazed by all the ferocity.  LaVine is just too chill and oblivious.  I’m pretty sure Thibs could strangle LaVine’s hamster in front of him and he’d still be wondering if he set his DVR to record “Empire”.

Kevin Garnett – Thibs is Garnett.  Garnett is Thibs.  They are a match made in heaven.  If these two men were mob bosses and I got caught ratting on them, I’d hang myself so I wouldn’t have to get skinned alive, rolled in honey, thrown to a genetically modified killer bear, then beaten to death with a folding chair on fire.

Shabazz Muhammad – Guess who’s not going to be sneaking girls into hotel rooms when he’s not supposed to anymore?

Gorgui Dieng – Dieng runs like a choo-choo train. Look at him next time he plays.  He doesn’t move up or down when he runs and his arms hang low like they’re on the tracks.  This has nothing to do with Tom Thibodeau but I’ve been wanting to say that for a while.

Nikola Pekovic – Upon hearing about Thibs’ hiring, Pek’s legs immediately turned to dust.  Pek is currently a $20 million cloud floating over Yellowstone National Park.

Nemanja Bjelica – One soft European + one insanely psychotic, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen coach = What could go wrong?

Adreian Payne – Adreian has a lot of talent.  Maybe Thibs can unlock that and scare away some of those stupid extra vowels in the process?

Tyus Jones – Probably the only player who, if Thibs makes him sad, can run back to their mother in Burnsville.  Nothing a Karmelkorn Treat Center stop at the Burnsville Mall can’t fix.

Tayshaun Prince – Thibs and Tayshaun will spend most of the year reminiscing about graduating high school together.

Damjan Rudez – Rudez also looks forward to being introduced to the team.

Greg Smith – 10 day contract guys are like handjobs.  Are they really worth counting?

Next up for us is a lottery pick and free-agency.  Let’s sign all of them!

Go Wolves!

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Early NBA Rookie Of The Year Candidates

I’m not an analytics guy.  I don’t understand math and I don’t give a crap what PER is, because it makes my head hurt and it feels like reading Latin backwards.  I watch the NBA to be entertained, not figure out if Zach LaVine would get to St. Cloud faster on a train heading west at 75mph from ten miles away versus Gorgui Dieng two feet away on roller skates.

I’m an emotional NBA fan.  I judge players like my mother judges me: On a day-by-day basis depending on how “neat” they are.  Steph Curry could have a five point, 1-12 night and I’d be ready to consider him the next Kwame Brown.  In other words, I’m an idiot.  So here’s this idiot’s emotional, irrational list of the best rookies in the NBA so far.

1) Karl-Anthony Towns

This one’s in the bag.  KAT is a beast and once his minutes get past the length of a Daily Show clip he’s going to lead the rookies in most categories.  My favorite things about KAT include his intensity and the fact that at 20 years old he has an imaginary friend.  I’m 37 and go on ghost hunts so any time a successful person is crazy it makes me feel like I’ve got a shot.

2) Kristaps Porzingis

I still can’t pronounce his name so I just call him “Portishead”.  A lot of people think Portishead looks like Dolph Lundgren in “Rocky IV” but I see him in more of a Dolph Lundren in “Kindergarten Cop 2” light.  I didn’t know it existed until recently but sign me the fuck up.

3) Larry Nance Jr.

Larry is not a super great rookie, but for some reason I find it hilarious that Larry Nance has a son in the NBA.  Other sons of former NBA stars I’d like to see in the league include Spud Webb Jr., Andrew Bynum Jr., George Mikan Jr. (he’s 65) and Shawn Kemp IX.

4) Jahlil Okafor

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Okafor got into a street fight last week and unfortunately it’s the most exciting thing the 76ers have been associated with in years.  Was Okafor a dick before Philadelphia or is there just something about the City of Brotherly Love that turns people into raging psychopaths?  Turns out the fight started when someone came up to Okafor and his teammates and started talkin’ about PRACTICE.

5) Justice Winslow

I would pay $10,000 to have Justice Winslow’s name.  It sounds like an old-timey street-vigilante’s moniker.  “Hey mac, drop the diamonds.  Justice Winslow is coming!”  BIFF PAFF BLOP!  When he’s not busy being a promising NBA rookie, Justice Winslow shoots judge gavels from his fingertips fighting his notorious gangster arch-enemies Mugsy Bogues, Tiny Archibald and Vinny “The Microwave” Johnson.

Next up the Timberwolves play the Clippers in Los Angeles.  DeAndre Jordan has said he’ll be there, which means he won’t be playing.

Go Wolves!

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Grading the Timberwolves’ Offseason

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I literally say this every year, but WE ARE GOING TO BE AWESOME THIS YEAR!  Every time I’ve said that in the past has been a bullshit lie and I knew it.  I mean, yes, I believed it at the time.  Yet, deep down I knew we would never win with Alexey Shved at anything other than a “Saddest Russian” contest?  Every year leading up to this I’ve just been trying to justify spending large portions of my adult life staking my happiness on 12 random men who aren’t even really from Minnesota mostly (‘sup, Tyus).

But this year is different.  This year, we might actually play an NBA game in May.  Has there been a Timberwolves game played in warm weather since Kanye West’s first album?  Dude’s like 40 now.  90% of the league doesn’t even know we can grow deciduous trees.  Anyway, we had a SUPER busy off-season and I will now grade each major move we made one by one, because I am a super qualified judge of basketball:

Minnesota trades Zach LaVine, Kris Dunn and the #7 pick to the Chicago Bulls for Jimmy Butler and the #16 pick.  

A+

Zach LaVine is a slam-dunk champion who just wrecked his ACL.  That’s like a masseuse whose arms fell off.  Nobody wants a hook massage.  Kris Dunn is horrible.  Every single YouTube clip of him “breaking ankles” ends before the shot nears the rim because he shot like 2.5% from the field.  I think Kris Dunn is actually a Lacrosse player who accidentally walked into the NBA draft and they picked him anyway.  And the #7 pick ended up being some Finnish dude who I know next to nothing about but the Bulls chose him, so he surely sucks.  We fleeced these bitches!

Minnesota trades Ricky Rubio to the Utah Jazz for a 2018 1st round pick.  

G-

I made up a grade lower than F because I’m so upset.   I had to take my signed, framed Ricky Rubio photo out of my office and put it in the basement earlier this summer. I knew he was going to get traded and I had to start mentally distancing myself.  I’ll never change this face, Ricky!  I would have “Thelma & Louise”ed right off this cliff with you!

Minnesota renounces rights to Shabazz Muhammad, Brandon Rush, Adreian Payne, and Omri Casspi.

A+

Listen, anything that gets rid of Adreian Payne is an A+.  Drop Payne, Jimmy Butler and move the team to Belarus?  A+!  Not only does he look 45 at 25 somehow, but his ridiculously spelled first name has way too many vowels in it.  It’s like his mom was playing Scrabble when he was born and the doctor knocked the board over and she just went with it.  Oh, and he sucks.

Minnesota signs Taj Gibson 

B+

I like Taj.  Yeah, he’s kind of past his prime and a little expensive, but so is HBO and that shit is good for at least three months out of the year.

Minnesota signs Jeff Teague

No grade

I will not acknowledge Jeff Teague as a human being until he apologies for breathing the air that Ricky would be breathing if he were here.

Minnesota signs Jamal Crawford 

B-

Fuck it, why not? He’s super old and kind of like clicking on the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button on Google.  What’s the worst that can happen?  (Do NOT say Brandon Roy, Kevin Garnett 2.0 or Sam Cassell after the big nuts dance tore his hamstring.)

Minnesota signs Shabazz Muhammad for peanuts after he turned down a $44 million contract with us earlier in the summer. 

A+

One time I got addicted to Ebay and bought an Ullr (the Nordic god of skiing and archery) pendant for $250 after getting into a bidding war with what in retrospect was surely someone in cahoots with the owner.  A year later I sold it on Ebay for $5.  This is how Shabazz must feel.

Minnesota signs Albert Brooks for an undisclosed amount of money.  (It’s actually Aaron Brooks, but I accidentally typed Albert Brooks and I loved him in “Finding Dory” so I’m keeping it.)

A+ for Albert Brooks, C for Aaron Brooks.

Minnesota reportedly offers Andrew Wiggins a five-year $148 million contract.

A+

It’s a little high, but I love Wiggins and the good news is this is in Canadian money.  The exchange on this is actually $3 million USD and two Tragically Hip CDs.

The new jerseys 

A

I like them.  They kind of look like a gas station, but one that sells Pepsi Max.  Like…a GOOD gas station.  You can definitely get a fruit cup and poop in the toilet without getting hepatitis.

Our first preseason game of the year is on September 30 against the Lakers in Los Angeles.  Let’s see if Lonzo’s newest $500 shoes can make it through the exhibition season.

GO WOLVES!

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