Posts Tagged ‘1-17’

Great Drunk Dirk Nowitzki, how did we lose to such a turdcan of a team?!  I could have pooled together 12 random people from the DMV and beaten the Sixers.  They were 0-17 coming in and possibly the most atrocious collaboration of humans since the Metallica/Lou Reed album.

Nobody even really knows who these guys are. ¬†Who is this team and how could they possibly have beat anybody at all? ¬†Let’s take a closer look at¬†the 2014-15 Sixers line-up:

Point¬†guard:¬†Michael Carter-Williams –

He’s okay.

Philadelphia 76ers Media Day

Shooting guard: Anthony¬†“Cracker Hands” Giavanni¬†–

Tiny & violent. ¬†Giavanni has recorded¬†a league high 85 technicals from outbursts and attempted bribes. ¬†His signature move is throwing a flask at the defense’s face and granny-shotting the ball into the stands. ¬†Last¬†seen running hooch on the corner of Hindenburg & Malarkey.


Small forward:¬†Hip-Hop, the 76ers mascot –

Hip-Hop is technically 95% blind in his rat costume and glasses, yet his trampoline dunk is incredibly difficult to block.


Power forward:¬†Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot –

Like most Heat fans, Burnie didn’t want to stick around after LeBron James left.


Center:¬†Nerlens “Narwhal” Noel –

While a great talent, Noel has missed the last five games after accidentally glueing his hands to his head.


Sixth man:¬†A frightened, falling, elderly¬†Paul McCartney –


This is the team that beat us. ¬†It’s going to be a long rebuilding process. ¬†Hopefully we’ll sign the Jazz mascot next year. ¬†That thing looks like Teen Wolf.

Next up we play…ah, who cares. ¬†We’re going to lose.