Posts Tagged ‘anthony davis’


You made his cat sad. Photo from

There’s been some vicious snubs in the world lately.  Donald Trump’s replacement pick for National Security Advisor turned him down because he doesn’t know anybody from Russia.  People flipped out that Adele beat Beyonce because everybody forgot that the Grammys are a steaming pile of manatee poop and mean about as much as a Hug Award from your mom.  My body said no to me just now when I tried to go for a jog because I run like a duck and gummy bears are not a good warm-up snack.

But no snub is more vicious than Karl-Anthony Towns being left off the 2017 NBA All-Star team.  What does a bitch have to do?!  He’s averaging 23.7 ppg, 11.8 rpg, 2.9 asp, 1.4 bpg and has the third best smile in the league after fellow Timberwolf Andrew Wiggins and former Timberwolf Corey Brewer.  (Most underrated smile is Tom Thibodeau’s, which comes out as often as Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog, but looks like a drunken badger that just discovered Scientology.)

Who are all these chumps that got the nod over Towns?  Allow me to go through the list and break down why they don’t deserve it.  I’m only going to go through the Western Conference because 1) Towns plays in the West and 2) Literally anybody who can dribble in a straight line and doesn’t have 4 DUIs gets into the All-Star Game in the East.  Kurt Rambis is playing in the East.  Fuck the East.

Stephen Curry – If Stephen Curry is so hot then why was he drafted after Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn, huh?  Overrated!  You’ll always just be Dell Curry’s son to me!

James Harden – Has anybody bothered to ask why James Harden’s beard is so big?  I’ll tell you: PEDs.  He hides PEDs in his beard during games and when he does that little “mix it up” pantomine after scoring points he’s literally mixing up his meds.  Illegal!

Kevin Durant – I don’t know if I can even talk about Kevin Durant in the West because if the East wins he’ll just go over there next year.

Kawhi Leonard – Kawhi Leonard is not a real person.  He’s an emotionless robot created by Gregg Popovich using spare salsa he found in Texas for organic matter and the extra “Gs” in Gregg’s stupid first name.  SHOULD NOT PLAY.

Anthony Davis – Anthony Davis looks like the kind of guy who’d have really wet palms.  Just a creepy dude standing in the corner with his (literally) trademarked unibrow getting everything slimy with his disgusting swamp hands.  It makes the balls greasy and unusable.

Russell Westbrook – This man is a danger to everything and everyone around him.  If you thought Anthony Davis was creepy, wait until you see Westbrook’s “Silence Of The Lambs” dungeon where he keeps and tortures all the people who looked at him sideways or cut him off in traffic or stole his Urkel glasses.  Unsafe!

Klay Thompson – I hate Klay Thompson’s stupid face so much.  It looks like the thing they lay terrorists on when they waterboard them.  He looks like Screech if his dad were rich.  So what, you can shoot threes.  I saw Manute Bol hit six threes once.  You ain’t special!

Gordon Hayward – Who?

DeMarcus Cousins – I actually think DeMarcus Cousins might physically track me down and hurt me if I write something here so I’m leaving it blank.

DeAndre Jordan – Really?  We’re letting insurance salesmen in now?

Marc Gasol – Token European.

Draymond Green – Draymond Green is 100% an All-Star of kicking people in the balls.  He’s that punk from Duke if he were somehow less likeable than Duke.

None of you are better than Karl-Anthony Towns!  KAT is Michael Jordan mixed with Hakeem Olajuwon mixed with Megan Fox and BBQ chicken with extra BBQ.  I have issues!

Next up the Wolves play Dallas in Minneapolis on the Friday after the All-Star break.  KAT WILL PLAY THE MAVS 1-ON-12 AND WIN!!!



At least last year our season wasn’t ruined until March.  How is this season turning out to be worse?  We have eight and a half uninjured players if you count Ricky Rubio.  If we keep at this pace pretty soon we’ll be able to fit all our players into a bobsled.  Dear God, I just wished we still had Michael Beasley.  My brain is turning on me!

We had an 18 point lead (!!!) in the first quarter and ended up losing by 12 because our players were tired.  Luke Ridnour fell asleep in his jammies by the bench like it was Christmas morning.  We need to trade for anyone or anything, pronto.  The Birdman, Rudy Gay and his ginormous contract, a sack of potatoes that we throw at opposing players.  Glen Taylor and David Kahn themselves wouldn’t be as bad as seeing Steimsma and Amundson doucheball it up out there.  Let Kahn run around for 40 minutes and get plowed over by that weirdo with the unibrow. Seriously, am I the only one who is freaked out by Anthony Davis?

This pic is not photoshopped in any way.  Think about that.  Photo from

This pic is not photoshopped in any way. Think about that. Photo from

Alright, we can’t let ourselves lose hope.  Things can happen.  All the other teams’ stadiums could fall into a sinkhole and we could win the championship by default.  The 2004 Lakers, Pacers and Pistons could be found guilty of giving their players PCP and the title could be retroactively given to us.  You never know!

I am just full of delusional optimism.  I have to be.  I’m a Timberwolves fan.  So here’s a few things to remind yourself of, so as to not fall into a Timberwolves induced depression:

1) Remember that all of our players are eventually coming back.  Well, except Brandon Roy probably.  I’m pretty sure his knees are held together by gum and soggy spit-wads.  But nobody’s dead.  Right?  Wait, has anybody seen Lazar Haywood lately?

2) Good seats will most likely be much easier to get soon.  During the Rambis era, I would just buy upper level seats and sneak down to the floor.  Nobody bothered to stop me.  I’m pretty sure I could have coached if I’d wanted.  Two more months without Kevin Love means I might even be able to buy the team soon and make Jack Sikma run me around in a rickshaw.

3) If (when) we don’t make the playoffs we will have a fancy lottery pick to use on Shawn Bradley Jr. or some conjoined twins from St. Cloud.

4) It could be worse: We could be Sacramento