Posts Tagged ‘atlanta hawks’

Great¬†Sprewell’s spinning rims! ¬†The Minnesota Timberwolves are healthy! ¬†We haven’t been injury-free since Troy Hudson’s first rap album. ¬†I don’t know what this feeling is. ¬†For the last umpteenth years we’ve been able to blame everything on injuries. ¬†Lost a game? ¬†Ricky hurt his ankle. ¬†Didn’t make the playoffs? ¬†Kevin Love broke his hand. ¬†Didn’t find a parking spot at the Target Center? ¬†Oliver Miller wrecked¬†himself pooping.

But now we’re uninjured. ¬†And the irony is it’s probably going to hurt us. ¬†I’m convinced that we are a slightly below .500 team when healthy. ¬†However, there is a person named¬†Jahlil Okafor that we want and we need loser-loser lottery¬†ping-pong balls to get him. ¬†What to do? ¬†How do we tank without looking blatantly sad and lonely like Philadelphia?

I have a few secretly sad and lonely ideas:

This bastard better be good. Photo from cbssports.com

This bastard better be good. Photo from cbssports.com

1) Play Zach LaVine a bunch –¬†¬†Zach LaVine is the “Beats By Dre” of basketball. ¬†He looks good,¬†but when you hit play it’s just a bunch of expensive rattling. ¬†LaVine holds onto the ball about as well as a newborn golden retriever with a wet bar of soap. ¬†Statistics have shown that we’d play better with a makeup-less, pantless Gene Simmons than Zach LaVine. ¬†We get points for building hype/fanbase with Zach’s crazy jumping and get one ping-pong ball closer to a¬†number one pick that’s not from Canada. ¬†Win-win. ¬†And by that I mean losing.

2) ¬†Drug Flip Saunders on the bench –¬†Not like a ton. ¬†I don’t want any accidental overdoses here. ¬†But look at Flip’s eyes. ¬†You can’t tell me he doesn’t eat a brick of weed at least twice a week. ¬†Put some salvia in his Gatorade cup. ¬†That stuff’s supposed to make you go bat-shit for five minutes at a time. ¬†Perfect! ¬†Just enough to mess up a few plays here and there and spoil the game. ¬†Maybe we’ll even get some bonus video of a half-there Flip pawing at Sam Mitchell’s face “Face-Off” style.

3) Falsely accuse owner Glen Taylor of being senile and imprison him in a 50s style insane asylum¬†– Taylor will live out the rest of his days drooling, playing checkers with¬†David Kahn and being forced to watch draft footage of him selecting Jonny Flynn over Steph Curry until the apocalypse comes. ¬†This actually won’t make our team any worse but I just think it’s something that he deserves.

Two games ago we played the best team in the league, Atlanta.  Then we played the second best team, Golden State.  Next we play the 1992 Dream Team, Pac-Man after eating his roid pills and Jesus.  Go Wolves!

The Atlanta Hawks are for sale. ¬†And as you would expect, the Seattle Supersonics are the #1 contender to steal them away. ¬†Granted, it’s possible that someone could buy the Hawks and choose to keep them in Atlanta. ¬†But that person would be really stupid, because the Atlanta Hawks have three fans, two of which may¬†be vendors. ¬†They had one of the greatest offensive threats of all time in Dominique Wilkins and the town¬†paid more attention to the Atlanta Center For Puppetry Arts.

But Seattle isn’t the only defunct NBA team waiting around to grab a spot¬†again. ¬†Here’s a handful of real former teams that could possibly throw their hat in the ring and steal the Supersonics’ Thunder:

The Waterloo Hawks (Waterloo, IA) – The Waterloo Hawks were an NBA team from 1949 to 1950. ¬†So there’s not a ton of history there. ¬†Waterloo isn’t even the biggest town in Iowa, much less one that people go to on purpose. ¬†The most famous fact about Waterloo is that John Wayne Gacy lived there for a spell. ¬†However, the serendipity of the Hawks turning into the Hawks is kind of convenient. ¬†And it’s not like they’ll have less fans than Atlanta did.

Pittsburgh Ironmen (Pittsburgh, PA) – I like the machismo of “Ironmen”. ¬†The town already has a football team called the Steelers, so all they’d need is a¬†soccer team named the “AluminuMEN” to complete the super manly trifecta. ¬†Who let those damn pussy Penguins in anyway?!

Sheboygan Red Skins (Sheboygan, WI) РAbort!  Abort!

Providence Steamrollers (Providence, RI) – I would be fine with the smallest state in the Union having a team, but only if their players were all 5’7″ or shorter. ¬†Plus, short players always have hilariously great names like Spud Webb, Mugsy Bogues and Earl Boynkins. ¬†So let’s make some stars out of people¬†named Dimples Tinytoons and Shrimp McShrimp Jr.

St. Louis Bombers (St. Louis, MO) – St. Louis has gotten some bad press lately, but it’s a BBQ town and I would eat a basketball if it were covered in BBQ sauce. ¬†If I were a congressman, that’s all I would take for bribes.¬† Get that town a team!

Maulls_xl

Congressman Mike Brody was arrested today after receiving 25 jugs of BBQ sauce as a bribe.  Brody says he regrets nothing and plans on eating his way out of prison with more BBQ sauce. Photo from wikipedia.org.

Tonight we play the Utah Jazz at home. ¬†The Jazz suck and they have twice as many wins as us, but their coach makes faces like Slimer from “Ghostbusters”, so tune in!

I’m depressed.

This season has sucked ass.¬† Two years ago sucked, but it was the beginning of hope.¬† A year ago sucked, but we hadn’t all played together yet.¬† This season just feels like time slipping away.¬† Next year Kevin Love can opt out after the season and what’s to keep him from doing it?

Well, there’s only one way for a true upper Midwesterner to combat depression that doesn’t involve a bathtub and a toaster: Pure, unadulterated passive-aggressive shit-talking.¬† Strap in, this one’s gonna get bitter.

My top ten least favorite NBA teams and why:

10) Boston Celtics – Last summer I read a comment from a Boston fan on a sports page that said “It’s going to be really hard to see Kevin Garnett playing in a different jersey.”¬† Oh really, Boston?¬† We had him for 12 versus your six.¬† Cry us a goddamn river.¬† Then freeze it, cut a hole in it, stick your head in it and get kicked in your drunk, freckly ass.

9) Indiana Pacers – I’ll admit, this has more to do with the actual state than this team.¬† The team itself is impressively put together and has a shot at the championship this year.¬† But the state is full of peach-fuzz mustachioed racists, unnecessary toll-booths and enthusiastic inbreeding.¬† This is the state that brought us the town of Gary.¬† Have you ever seen the movie “Hoosiers”?¬† That movie is actually set in 2014 Indiana.

8) Washington Wizards РThis is the Island Of Misfits Toys for basketball players if you added guns and made all the toys completely unlikeable.  The only bright spot is that my friend John Conroy is a Wizards fan for some reason and was in this Gilbert Arenas commercial.

7) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, you could watch two NBA teams regularly: The Chicago Bulls on WGN or the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.¬† The choice was obvious: The greatest team/player ever or the soul-sucking echo chamber that was the Omni Center.¬† I’m pretty sure Dominique Wilkins played his entire prime in front of four bribed fans who may have actually been the janitors.

6) Miami Heat – The trust-fund kids of the NBA. I’ve never met a current Miami Heat fan who knows who Willie Burton or Bimbo Coles is.¬† I miss the days when the thought of Miami brought up images of Gloria Estefan or killing a hooker and taking your money back on “Grand Theft Auto – Vice City.”

5) Houston Rockets – ARGH!¬† Nothing pisses me off more than a team that takes like one year to rebuild!¬† You’re supposed to do it like us: lose the 2004 Western Conference Finals, eventually trade your superstar for peanuts, suck for ten years, start to show glimmers of hope and then potentially lose your new superstar to a forced trade/free agency.¬† Repeat.¬† Also, their jerseys are McDonald’s uniforms.

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jersey. Photo from foodrepublic.com

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jerseys. Photo from foodrepublic.com

4) Bill Simmons Yeah, he’s not a team but he’s such a piece of shit that I had to include him.¬† I used to like Boston until this elitist prick homer started blabbering about.¬† He sucks on-air and the only time he’ll write now is about how great the fucking Eagles are.¬† The Eagles are the Indiana of music!¬† And the ONLY time he mentions Minnesota is to talk massive shit for no real reason that I can discern other than that it’s cold here.¬† I’d rather have a frozen lake than three million Marky Marks, dickweed.

GIF from img.gawkerassets.com

3) Utah Jazz – Worst. Announcers. Ever.¬† There are homers and then there are the douchebag Jazz announcers.¬† I remember watching an inconsequential game a few years back and Paul Millsap (who is now an Atlanta Hawk) had a decent game.¬† The announcers preened and swooned about him and gushed that “Paul Millsap should bronze the ball to remember this game forever!”¬† Bronze MY balls, and put them on your face.¬† I hope you enjoyed the 90s, Utah, because Malone-Stockton will never happen again.

2) Portland Trailblazers – The Blazers are our arch-nemesis.¬† Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “That dude definitely roofies people.”¬† That’s Portland.

1) Los Angeles Lakers –

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

And the big Kevin Love better not go to LA Exhibit C

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.¬† Maybe they’ll remember they’re supposed to be the Sixers this year and we’ll win!