Posts Tagged ‘basketball’

 

WarriorsFan1

A Golden State Warriors fan celebrates having finally sold all his Miami Heat gear. Photo from media.10news.com

Fuck Golden State Warriors fans.

Warriors fans outside of California are like Canadians who tip.  They don’t exist.  These fake posers didn’t even know who the Warriors were until Dell Curry’s and Mychal Thompson’s sons showed up.  Wherever I go now I see every damn person wearing Golden State gear as if that beanie weren’t a Lakers one five years ago, a Heat one three years ago, a Cavs one two years ago.  Hey jerky, I got a safe team for you to sport:  Check out the Harlem Globetrotters.  They never lose!

And fuck Kevin Durant.

You don’t join the team that beat you.  Michael Jordan didn’t join the Pistons in 1989.  I didn’t join the people who depantsed me everyday in 3rd grade, pulling down my own pants trying to get approval just because I wanted to be on “the winning team”.  No.  I suffered alone and then carried all my baggage into my 30s, because that’s what adults do!

But fuck Golden State Warriors fans even more.

Seriously, you’re gonna act like this is “your team”?  Name one player that played for that sorry-sack team after Run TMC and before Babyface McGrossmouthguardchew.  And if you don’t know who Run TMC is  I swear I will find you and slap the Hatchimal out of your hands because you are 12 and I am threatened by youth!

And fuck Kevin Durant again.

When did this whole “I just have a favorite player” thing start?  What a gutless way to always be winning.  I’m a Timberwolves fan until I die (or Glen Taylor accidentally sells them to another state for more Cosby sweaters). Being a Timberwolves fan is grueling, confusing and disheartening.  We are the most excited we’ve been in 13 years and we’re 11 games under .500.  Jared from Subway is going to get out of prison before we make the playoffs.  But damnit, this is our TEAM.  We don’t jump ship.  We support our team and hang tight until that special moment when we’re 95 on our deathbeds and all the marine life in the world has died and the air looks like the sky from “The Matrix” and Vince Carter is finally retiring and we say “Did the Timberwolves make the playoffs yet?  No?  Okay good, I don’t like change” and then we die.

WarriorsFan2

Next up we play the Warriors at home on Friday.  Fuck you posers!

GO WOLVES!

 

Carmelo Anthony's patented "Mime In a Box" defense failed to stop the Wolves on Sunday.  Photo from mediamrs.com

Carmelo Anthony’s patented “Angry Mime In a Box” defense failed to stop the Wolves on Sunday. Photo from mediamrs.com

Somebody pinch me.

We’re 3-0 for the first time since 2001, something even the 2004 Western Conference Finals Timberwolves with KG couldn’t do.  We’re not just winning either, we’re really sticking it to teams.  At one point in the Oklahoma City Thunder and New York Knicks games we were up 34 and 23 respectively.  Kevin Love and Kevin Martin are playing like beasts.  Even the perennially confused and goat-faced Derrick Williams is looking good.

To be fair, Derrick Williams spent the whole summer training against the toughest competition.  Photo from 1.bp.blogspot.com

To be fair, Derrick Williams spent the whole summer training against the toughest competition. Photo from 1.bp.blogspot.com

“Yeah,” you say.  “But the Philadelphia 76ers are also 3-0 and they’re worse than the fat kid from Teen Wolf.”  Shut up!  Philly is just a fluke, okay?  They’re in the Eastern Conference.  They’ve played against two marching bands and a sock.  (Actually, the Bulls, Wizards and Heat. But I still stand by my Wizards/sock comparison.)

Here’s the part that really freaked me out: I went on Twitter and found tons of tweets of surprise and intrigue, like “Wow, the Timberwolves are for real this year!  They’re stomping the Knicks!”  But there were also a lot of “I’m jumping on the T-Wolves bandwagon!”  Now, it should be known that we need bandwagon fans.  The more popular and “cool” the Wolves seem, the better chances of Kevin Love staying.  That said, who are these spineless, trendy, fairweather fans that come out of nowhere?  For the last ten years, the Timberwolves have been about as appealing as Bill Laimbeer in a boy band.  I’m sorry, but you don’t get to call yourselves a real Timberwolves fan unless you either live in Minnesota or the very idea of Kurt Rambis makes you want to barf all over Troy Hudson’s rap album.

Enough of the negatives.  Here’s the positive: We’re healthy and we’re going to prove ourselves to a ton of people this year.  And most importantly, we got a bit of swagger.  After we went up big on the Knicks on Sunday, they came back and we still fought them off.  Kevin Love hit a crazy, off balance shot to pretty much seal it for us.  And when he ran down the sideline he shoved his hand in Knicks’ superfan Spike Lee’s face and yanked a high five from him.  I love it.  It sums up this Minnesota Timberwolves team perfectly: We’ve been overlooked to the point of non-existence.  But we’re here, we’re whooping your team’s ass and your lousy movie-directing ass can’t ignore us anymore.  So do the right thing and watch us get ours this year.

Up next, we play the team that LeBron James definitely won’t be going back to.  Will the Wolves go 4-0? Or will Kyrie Irving and the corpse of Andrew Bynum stop our streak?  Go Wolves!

Rolando Blackman - Forgotten 80s superstar.  Photo from tumblr.com/tagged/rolandoblackman.

Rolando Blackman – Forgotten superstar. Photo from tumblr.com/tagged/rolandoblackman.

Rolando Blackman was my favorite basketball player when I was a kid.

Well, that’s not true.  Michael Jordan was.  But everybody loved Jordan.  Jordan wasn’t human.  He was Zeus mixed with Willy Wonka splashed with Dr. J and Flubber.

In actuality, Rolando Blackman was my first non-superhuman basketball hero.  And what a forehead!  Little known fact: Germany almost accidentally knocked down Rolando Blackman’s forehead in 1989, mistakenly thinking it was the Berlin Wall.  Luckily, they spotted his tiny, tiny green shorts and stopped before anybody was hurt.

"Close your eyes, QUICK, Kareem!" Photo from bleacherreport.com.

“Close your eyes, QUICK, Kareem!” The shortest shorts of all.  Photo from bleacherreport.com.

Really, I love Rolando Blackman for one reason and one reason only:  He was the first athlete to ever sign a basketball card for me.

When I was 12, in 1991, I became obsessed with the NBA and basketball cards.  I memorized every single player’s stat that was available in the early 90s.  Don’t believe me?  Shawn Kemp averaged 15.0 and 8.5 rebounds per game in the 90-91 season.  Boom.  How’d I know that?  No, not Google.  I had zero friends.  I had a basketball board game that involved dice and a calculator that I played by myself.  You could ride a chuckwagon to Oregon faster than you could finish a game.  Another thing about Shawn Kemp: He fathered more illegitimate children than Bob Marley and Dominique Wilkins combined. And ‘Nique allegedly paid money on 20 paternity suits.  “Human Highlight Reel” indeed!

I used to mail out self-addressed stamped envelopes and basketball cards to all the NBA teams (or index cards when my allowance/can recycling fund was depleted) and waited months, years, decades for them to send something back.  It was probably only a few weeks, but you know how time moves when you’re a kid.  Rolando Blackman was the first one to send a card back.  Almost suspiciously fast.  I actually checked a couple times to make sure he wasn’t squatting in my garage.  He beat the second fastest by a good three months.  And screw you, Kevin Johnson.  You think I can’t spot a stamped signature when I see one?  I hope your assistant got carpal tunnel from doing all your dirty-work and sued your autograph-avoiding ass.  I bet you’re a lousy mayor!

So yeah, the Timberwolves got stomped by the Dallas Mavericks on Monday.  But Rolando Blackman was a Maverick.  Twelve year old Mike Brody is giving you a pass.  Thanks Rolando.

Nikola Pekovic – Photo from blogs.citypages.com

Nikola Pekovic is my favorite Timberwolf.

He’s huge, he’s tough and he has a giant tattoo on his upper arm of a large cloaked warrior holding a broadsword that is crushing a pile of skulls.   I once mentioned on Facebook that only a 6’11”, 290 giant from Eastern European cold pull that tattoo off.  A stranger who had just friended me commented “Yeah, let’s hope he ‘pulls it off’ because that tattoo is lame-o.'”  Blocked!  You’d be better off insulting my kids in front of me than Big Pek.  (I don’t have any kids, but if I did I would force them…no, no, that’s wrong…encourage them to get the Pekovic tattoo in 6th grade as a way to fend off bullies.)

Honestly, I don’t get star-struck.  I’ve met a fair share of famous people and they usually just seem like regular human beings to me.

That said, if I met Pek I’d probably turn into a shaky-kneed little girl who just found out that One Direction is coming over for dinner.  I’ve already planned out what I’d do if I met him, where it would be and how many pictures/autographs I’d get.  (I’d scream and it would be in the the skyway.  One autograph and two pictures.)

Even a green-screen backdrop and a Crocodile Hunter hat can’t make Pek not look tough. Photo from thepwe.com

But dammnit, Pek, where the hell was your head last night?  His box score doesn’t look horrible at first glance.  He had a double-double with 11 points, 10 rebounds, two steals and a block.  But during a big stretch of the first half he fumbled, turned over and flat-out goofed everything up play after play.  He shot 5-13 and missed a handful of easy, gimme shots.  He looked horrible.

I’m not one of those people who thinks I can do better.  Yeah, I’m 6’5″ and 225.  But I’m shaped like a Weeble Wobble.  And I do fall down.  A lot.  I find it difficult to hold my arms in the air for more than three seconds at a time.  If my teeth get hit I get a headache and need to sit down for the rest of the day.  I am a pussy.  But when a professional athlete can’t do something that is supposed to be a given, it drives me insane.

And for Pek, that something is bunny shots.  He’s supposed to catch the ball and either pass it or take a shot that is preferably two inches from the rim.  But last night he couldn’t do either.  He looked like an Amish kid who just got tossed an Iphone.

Other noteworthy things from last night: Andrei Kirilenko didn’t play due to back spasms, which were apparently brought on by his horrible dragon back tattoo.  Derrick Williams threw down a thunderous one-handed dunk and then proceeded to play like an idiot for the rest of the game, Malcolm Lee showed some of his potential and Ricky Rubio was cleared for full-contact practice!!!

That is intensely positive news for the Timberwolves.  Everything changed last year after Rubio went down.  The air went out of the team, the fans, even Michael Beasley’s water-bong.  It does make me a little nervous, though.  I don’t want to rush him back only to have him crumble again like a fragile little Spanish Christmas ornament.  Cuidado, Ricky Rubio, cuidado.  Take your vitamins, stay away from Kobe Bryant and if a blue Robin Williams genie gives you some wishes, ask for three knees.

Photo from ology.com