Posts Tagged ‘boston celtics’

KGKG

I am disproportionately excited¬†about Kevin Garnett returning to Minnesota. ¬†My wife even told me she doesn’t think I was this happy on our wedding day. ¬†I had to take a Tylenol PM last night just to fall asleep before 4am.

People who don’t follow basketball or the Timberwolves just don’t get it. ¬†“What’s the big deal? ¬†He’s a shell of his former self. ¬†He’s 95. ¬†Why not sign Betty White’s mom too?” ¬†I don’t care if Kevin Garnett had dementia,¬†progeria and lost both his arms and legs from diabetes. ¬†I would push him out there on a skateboard myself. ¬†Don’t you see? ¬†He came back to us. ¬†The greatest superstar in our history. ¬†The only superstar in our history. ¬†A giant¬†with whom we slogged through 12 years of pain, triumph, loss and glory. ¬†Our identity. ¬†And he chose to come back. ¬†Because he loves us and we love him. ¬†We never stopped loving him. ¬†He’s the Prodigal Son returned. ¬†Quick! ¬†Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ¬†Bring the fattened calf and kill it. ¬†Let‚Äôs have a feast and celebrate! ¬†

I told you I was disproportionately excited.

Let’s get something out of the way here: ¬†KG is not going to average 25 and 12. ¬†He’s been playing 20 minutes a game for the Nets this year and averaging 6.8 points and 6.8 rebounds. ¬†Who knows if he’ll even play 2/3 of the remaining 30 games? ¬†That’s not what bringing Kevin Garnett back is about. ¬†The Big Ticket is all about the big picture. ¬†Here’s what Kevin Garnett will do for us now and in the future: ¬†He will provide much needed leadership and competitive nature in the locker room and the bench. ¬†He will help guide Andrew Wiggins into superstardom. ¬†He will yell at Anthony Bennett for eating gravy-covered, fried¬†Twinkie pancakes¬†during halftime.¬† He will scare everybody into having pride. ¬†And then he will retire a Wolf, transition into a front office job and buy the team from Glen “Cosby Sweater” Taylor as a minority owner. ¬†He will be a fucking beast.

And he might just save our franchise.

No pressure, KG.

Next up we play the Phoenix Suns tonight at home.  Garnett will NOT be joining the team in time for this game, so no need for me to show up at the Target Center in my full-size KG adult footsie.  Yet.

Welcome back, Real Kevin.

GO WOLVES!!!  ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

Ricky Rubio is an amazing player. ¬†He also gets hurt more than Chevy Chase as President Ford on SNL. ¬†Rubio hasn’t¬†played a game in over two months and currently is planning a tailbone break¬†in March.

I’m not mad at him. ¬†If anything, it made me wonder what the poor guy’s been up lately? ¬†Here are the seven¬†things sources say Rubioops loves to do¬†when he’s not falling down, twisting his ankle¬†or tearing an ACL while twisting his ankle:

1)  Laying around in open shirts that match all of his pillows:

Rubio1

“Hey girl. This chest pelt took me 15 years to grow.” Photo from interbasket.net

2) Catching flies with his bare hands:

"I call this fly Kevin Love."

“I’m the #2 flycatcher in Espana after Pau Gasol’s beard!” Photo from media.tumblr.com

3) Looking at cameras like “Whaaaat?”:

"Whaaaaaat?" Photo from s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

“Whaaaaaat?” Photo from s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

4) Snapping the necks of basketballs that he pretends are David Kahn for making him live in Minnesota:

"Damn you Basketballhead Kahn!" Photo from pitihurtado.com/

“Damn you Basketballhead Kahn! I have to salt my salt to get to my mailbox!” Photo from pitihurtado.com/

5) Pretending he needs to shave more than once a year:

"I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!" Photo from images2.fanpop.com

“I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!” Photo from images2.fanpop.com

6) Ummmm…resting his head inside of a piece of lettuce:

"Setting my head on a pile of lettuce gives my broken limbs time to heal without disruption!" Photo from thetangential.com/

“It’s an ancient Spanish secret: Setting your¬†head on a pile of lettuce gives your¬†broken limbs time to heal without disruption! Plus, no carbs!” Photo from thetangential.com/

7) Being meticulously stalked and possibly murdered by this woman:

"Please help me.  I've been locked in her basement for two weeks now." Photo from cdn.inquisitr.com/

“Please help me. I’ve been locked in her basement for two weeks now. ¬†She makes me watch ‘Misery’ while I¬†bobble my head.” Photo from cdn.inquisitr.com/

Next up we play the Celtics in Boston on Wednesday. ¬†If it’s canceled due to the snowstorm we should get the win automatically. ¬†Minnesotans don’t cancel anything for snow, unless it’s because there’s not enough snow. ¬†Go Wolves! ¬†Let’s beat those frost-bitten gingers!

I’m depressed.

This season has sucked ass.¬† Two years ago sucked, but it was the beginning of hope.¬† A year ago sucked, but we hadn’t all played together yet.¬† This season just feels like time slipping away.¬† Next year Kevin Love can opt out after the season and what’s to keep him from doing it?

Well, there’s only one way for a true upper Midwesterner to combat depression that doesn’t involve a bathtub and a toaster: Pure, unadulterated passive-aggressive shit-talking.¬† Strap in, this one’s gonna get bitter.

My top ten least favorite NBA teams and why:

10) Boston Celtics – Last summer I read a comment from a Boston fan on a sports page that said “It’s going to be really hard to see Kevin Garnett playing in a different jersey.”¬† Oh really, Boston?¬† We had him for 12 versus your six.¬† Cry us a goddamn river.¬† Then freeze it, cut a hole in it, stick your head in it and get kicked in your drunk, freckly ass.

9) Indiana Pacers – I’ll admit, this has more to do with the actual state than this team.¬† The team itself is impressively put together and has a shot at the championship this year.¬† But the state is full of peach-fuzz mustachioed racists, unnecessary toll-booths and enthusiastic inbreeding.¬† This is the state that brought us the town of Gary.¬† Have you ever seen the movie “Hoosiers”?¬† That movie is actually set in 2014 Indiana.

8) Washington Wizards РThis is the Island Of Misfits Toys for basketball players if you added guns and made all the toys completely unlikeable.  The only bright spot is that my friend John Conroy is a Wizards fan for some reason and was in this Gilbert Arenas commercial.

7) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, you could watch two NBA teams regularly: The Chicago Bulls on WGN or the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.¬† The choice was obvious: The greatest team/player ever or the soul-sucking echo chamber that was the Omni Center.¬† I’m pretty sure Dominique Wilkins played his entire prime in front of four bribed fans who may have actually been the janitors.

6) Miami Heat – The trust-fund kids of the NBA. I’ve never met a current Miami Heat fan who knows who Willie Burton or Bimbo Coles is.¬† I miss the days when the thought of Miami brought up images of Gloria Estefan or killing a hooker and taking your money back on “Grand Theft Auto – Vice City.”

5) Houston Rockets – ARGH!¬† Nothing pisses me off more than a team that takes like one year to rebuild!¬† You’re supposed to do it like us: lose the 2004 Western Conference Finals, eventually trade your superstar for peanuts, suck for ten years, start to show glimmers of hope and then potentially lose your new superstar to a forced trade/free agency.¬† Repeat.¬† Also, their jerseys are McDonald’s uniforms.

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jersey. Photo from foodrepublic.com

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jerseys. Photo from foodrepublic.com

4) Bill Simmons Yeah, he’s not a team but he’s such a piece of shit that I had to include him.¬† I used to like Boston until this elitist prick homer started blabbering about.¬† He sucks on-air and the only time he’ll write now is about how great the fucking Eagles are.¬† The Eagles are the Indiana of music!¬† And the ONLY time he mentions Minnesota is to talk massive shit for no real reason that I can discern other than that it’s cold here.¬† I’d rather have a frozen lake than three million Marky Marks, dickweed.

GIF from img.gawkerassets.com

3) Utah Jazz – Worst. Announcers. Ever.¬† There are homers and then there are the douchebag Jazz announcers.¬† I remember watching an inconsequential game a few years back and Paul Millsap (who is now an Atlanta Hawk) had a decent game.¬† The announcers preened and swooned about him and gushed that “Paul Millsap should bronze the ball to remember this game forever!”¬† Bronze MY balls, and put them on your face.¬† I hope you enjoyed the 90s, Utah, because Malone-Stockton will never happen again.

2) Portland Trailblazers – The Blazers are our arch-nemesis.¬† Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “That dude definitely roofies people.”¬† That’s Portland.

1) Los Angeles Lakers –

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

And the big Kevin Love better not go to LA Exhibit C

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.¬† Maybe they’ll remember they’re supposed to be the Sixers this year and we’ll win!

I think this map might overestimate the pull of the Minnesota Timberwolves' fanbase. Photo from hdwallpapers3d.com

Oh sweet, we get Wyoming! Photo from hdwallpapers3d.com

Hot damn, it’s NBA time again!

This season is full of question marks after last season’s screwball bowling injuries and salsa dancing controversies.¬† And that was just Andrew Bynum!¬† The only seemingly sure thing is the Miami Heat.¬† But much like Pat Riley’s perfectly coiffed, unmoving Lego hair, it feels like the whole thing could come tumbling down if all the pieces aren’t perfectly placed.

So, without further ado, my surely on-the-nose predictions for the 2013-2014 season.  Starting with the slightly improved from last year Eastern Conference:

1) Miami Heat – What can I say?¬† They’re the new LA Lakers. They’re monsters and even though losing Mike Miller makes them just a titch less good than last year, there still seems to be no end in sight to their domination.¬† That’s not even considering the low-risk, high-reward signings of Michael Beasley and Greg Oden.¬† And you can just forget about LeBron going back to Cleveland next year.¬† That’s like Miley Cyrus going back to Hannah Montana.¬† It’s too late.¬† We’ve already see your molly.

2) Chicago Bulls – Derrick Rose’s knee is either going to win a championship or explode like a pinata filled with liberals at an NRA convention.¬† Being a Timberwolves fan, my inclination is to believe that all injuries that can happen, will happen.¬† So in my mind, Derrick Rose has three weeks before a Looney Tunes anvil falls on him or he runs off a cliff.¬† Good luck, Chicago!¬† Bring an umbrella and don’t look down.

3) Indiana Pacers – I want to like the Indiana Pacers.¬† They’re a good team.¬† But they’re unfortunately located in the most wretched, backwards state in the union.¬† I got my car window busted out there for no reason other than that they were jealous that I was able to leave.¬† I would rather drink out of a BP oil slick than watch some angry hoosier talk with their peach-fuzz mustaches flapping and their John Cougar Mellancamp blasting.¬† “Little ditty, ’bout Jack and Diane…” Kill me.

4) Brooklyn Nets – Another team I want to like, but just don’t see it happening.¬† The Grim Reaper is coming for Kevin Garnett’s career this year.¬† Mark my words!¬† That dude has had a phenomenal run (his best statistical years were here in MN!) but I just believe that he’s going to be crestfallen and brittle this year. By the way, it’s been pathetic hearing Boston Celtics fans go “It’ll be so hard to see Kevin Garnett in another jersey!”¬† Oh yeah?¬† Cry me a river, Paddy.¬† Ask MN what that’s like!¬† At least you guys got a title out of it.¬† And you don’t get to mourn a player whose name you can’t even fully pronounce.¬† “Gahhhhhnett! Don’t leave, Gahhhhhhnet!”

5) New York Knicks – Here’s the problem: No way Carmelo Anthony is having that good of a season two years in a row.¬† Amare Stoudemire makes Greg Oden look like Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable.”¬† And they just signed a guy who couldn’t get decent stats in Toronto.¬† With Metta World Peace in the picture now, maybe the Knicks can relive some of those psychotic Charles Oakley/Anthony Mason “Sometimes we play basketball while we’re destroying souls” days.¬† Could Anthony Mason even raise his arms above his head?

Anthony Mason during the Knicks' 90s heyday.  Photo from comicvine.com

Anthony Mason’s 1995 Knicks team photo. Photo from comicvine.com

6) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, there were literally only two NBA teams you could watch regularly.¬† The Chicago Bulls on WGN and the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.¬† One had the greatest player of all time and rattled off six championships.¬† The other had an average of 10 fans in the stadium who accidentally stumbled in because they thought it was monster truck night.¬† Even with ‘Nique, the choice was obvious.¬† Water-polo in the North Pole has more fans.

7) Washington Wizards – It’s troubling that Emeka Okafor is already out indefinitely, but this is definitely a team on the rise.¬† John Wall hasn’t quite made the leap to superstar level, and this is the year he needs to do it.¬† If they can get Okafor back eventually and stay healthy otherwise, they should make the playoffs.¬† And poor Glen Rice Jr. has so much to live up to. His dad was an NBA all-star AND had sex with Sarah Palin. Maybe Jr. should try Michele Bachmann?

8) Detroit Pistons – There is a glimmer of hope in Detroit.¬† Andre Drummond, Greg Monroe, Josh Smith, Brandon Jennings, Chauncey Billups, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope III Esquire Jr.¬† The Pistons look great in theory!¬† Unfortunately, so did a stripper party at Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s house.¬† Thank you Detroit, for making Minnesota feel better about electing Jesse Ventura.¬† But I’m not going to rain on Detroit’s parade too much.¬† I’m rooting for them in the East.

—————————————

9) Cleveland Cavaliers – Any team relying on Andrew Bynum will fall short.

10) Milwaukee Bucks –¬† The Bucks made the playoffs last year with a losing record.¬† I’m almost positive it was on accident, because they ended up missing the lottery because of it.¬† The good news is, since Wisconsin is a football state, nobody will notice when they become the Seattle Supersonics.

11) Toronto Raptors РBasketball in Canada.  Need I say more?

12) Boston Celtics – Unlike the Lakers, the Celtics are used to dipping down into Awful Town for a few years.¬† They’ll get make it back eventually in ten years or so.

13) Charlotte Bobcats – The Minnesota Timberwolves won 22, 24 and 15 in the years that Al Jefferson played with us.¬† Why do the Bobcats think that Al Jefferson is their answer when they have an arguably worse team than we did?¬† Because they’re actually deceptively tanking to get Andrew Wiggins in the draft but don’t want to look like they’ve given up.¬† Well played, Charlotte.¬† Give me a call when you’re the Hornets again.

14) Orlando Magic – Hey, when I kept getting rejected for the prom I just stopped trying.¬† Take a hint, Orlando.¬† You’re screwed.

15) Philadelphia 76ers – I’m surprised the 76ers are even attempting to put basketball players in. I don’t recall a team giving up so completely as this one.¬† Two pizza dudes, my grandma and an unmanned kayak could beat this team.¬† Contender #1 for the “Riggin’ for Wiggins” sweepstakes.

That’s it for the Eastern Conference. Stay tuned for my predictions for the less depressing and infuriatingly tough Western Conference!

1) Make Kevin Garnett forget he ever played for the Timberwolves

There’s got to be a way that we can wipe Garnett’s memory clean so he doesn’t destroy us every time he gets into the same gym as us.¬† I’m not suggesting we erase OUR memories of him.¬† Those Garnett years are special, special times for Timberwolves fans.¬† But if we can just Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind him somehow, or even lightly hit him with a shovel that’d be great.

2) Stop bitching after every call that doesn’t go your way

Kevin Love, I’m looking at you.¬† You’re not Tim Duncan yet, buddy.

These are the moments that remind me that he’s the nephew of evil Beach Boy Mike Love.¬† Yeah, he’s the best power forward in the league.¬† He works his ass off and he’s got an amazing career ahead of him.¬† But shut the fuck up out there, you whiny little teapot. He does get hacked a lot, but quit throwing your arms wide open like the singer of Creed and get back on defense.

3) MAKE YOUR FREE THROWS!

The Timberwolves shot 14-30 from the free throw line.  46.7%!

It’s inexcusable.¬† These guys get paid millions of dollars a year to play and they can’t even make more than half?¬† A drunken Shaquille O’Neal with his Kazaam pants pulled over his head could have done better.¬† Even I could have.¬† I have proof.¬† I kept the yearly stat sheet from the 1993-94 Mason City, IA, sophomore B-team and I shot 74.5%.¬† Boom!¬† (I also had short-pants that would’ve made John Stockton cringe.)

4) MAKE YOUR DAMN FREE THROWS!

5) THAT’S IT! NO FACIAL HAIR UNTIL YOU START MAKING YOUR SON-OF-A-BITCHING FREE THROWS!¬† (KIRILENKO, YOU HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR HOCKEY HAIR!)

All You Need Is Love – Photo posted on http://www.canishoopus.com by user E-6