Posts Tagged ‘canis hoopus’


Photo from

I thought this would feel different.  I thought when the Wolves were finally in the playoff race for the first time since “Friends” got cancelled that I would be over the moon, like during KG’s return home game or when Burger King started selling Lucky Charm’s milkshakes.  Instead, I feel confused, conflicted and slightly lackadaisical, like I do after three Lucky Charms milkshakes.

Canis Hoopus posted a great article about how to enjoy the Timberwolves this season.  It was helpful, but I think they slightly underestimated how unfun the Wolves have been to watch this year.  Technically, at 16-11, we are getting the job done.  But it has been ugly and painful like a dentist who jabbed the Novocaine into your forehead, but still got your wisdom teeth out, then, for no apparent reason, made the dental technicians stay until midnight.

It’s kind of jarring to go from losing with the flash of Ricky Rubio and Zach LaVine to winning with…what?  Memphis 2.0?  We’re more Shit ‘N Blind than Grit ‘N Grind.  We’re not particularly good at anything as a team, but our top players are just so individually good that we can fluke our way into a win if the team’s top player is out for the night.  Which seems to be a trend.  Either Aaron Brooks’ actual purpose on this team is to Tanya Harding everybody’s knees before the game or else nobody is scared of us, because it feels like the last superstar we played against was Isiah Thomas.  The short pants one.

Here are some ideas that could help make our team fun to watch again:

  • Attach sleigh bells to Jeff Teague.  This will serve a double purpose by not only ringing in the Holiday Spirit to the team, but alerting Jeff that he should pass the ball after 2-3 jingles instead of the whole damn song.
  • Allow fans to punch Cole Aldrich in the face when we are frustrated.  It’s not personal.  He’s already missing teeth, he never plays and he’s making a ton of money.  Serve a greater purpose, Cole.
  • Instead of giving fans Cherry Berry when the opposing team misses two free throws in a row, give it to Thibs on the sideline and zoom in on the jumbotron until he gets brain freeze.  I’m too lazy to redeem that ice cream anyway and I’ve always wanted to know what a constipated rhino looks like.
  • Jimmy Butler karaoke at halftime.  Only Hootie songs.
  • Spectacular injuries.  How much drama did the Gordon Hayward injury add to the Celtics year?  I’m not saying any players should do this.  I’m thinking assistant coach Rick Brunson could perhaps get hit in the face with Crunch’s t-shirt gun and get carted off before returning Willis Reed style.  We get some much needed drama.  He gets some attention and a free shirt.  Win-win!
  • Stop losing to shit teams.

Next up we play the Philadelphia 76ers at home on Tuesday.  Aaron Brooks will have the night off from wacking knees because according to my sources half the team just fell into a swimming pool and broke their pelvises.


JJ Barea reminds me of my miniature dachshund:

Fearless.  Stubbornly persistent.  Able to get into tiny crevices whether you like it or not.  Humps things that he shouldn’t.

JJ Barea's Menudo audition photo.  From

JJ Barea’s Menudo audition photo. From

In a season full of surprises, one of the least shocking is JJ’s ability to completely take over in the 4th quarter.  But how the hell does he do it?!  He has the labored jump shot of a 7th grade girl heaving a medicine ball and he flails about like a Wet Willy toy sprinkler.  Yet it works.  I’m convinced that it’s because he’s so low to the ground that nobody can stop him.  It’s not fair to other players and there’s no end in sight unless David Stern instills a “No Oddjob” rule a la N64 Goldeneye.

What would JJ do with himself if he weren’t a basketball player?  Surely his indomitable spirit and competitive nature would spur him on to do something of importance.  In another world he could have played Tyrion Lannister on “A Game Of Thrones” or advanced penguin research by living as one of them.

Barea wasn’t the only Timberwolf who lit it up last night.  Alexey Shved, in particular, is really coming into his own.  I love these Russians!  We are 2-0 on the awesome Russian tip this year.  I think Ronald Reagan owes us all an apology for giving them a bad rap.  As far as I’m concerned, our starting five could consist of Shved, Andrei Kirilenko, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Mila Kunis and Mikhail Gorbachev’s red, bird-poop stain and we’d be good.

Oh and Kevin Love hurt himself again.  In other news basketballs bounce, Kareem Abdul-Jabar is tall and scoring more than your opponent wins the game.

Next up we play the Portland Trailblazers at home on Saturday.  Word on the street is Nikola Pekovic has a new tattoo of a grizzly bear on his forearm.  So my man crush continues.