Posts Tagged ‘cleveland cavaliers’

Steph Curry is arguably the greatest and most marketable player currently in the NBA.  And now Curry has something that neither LeBron or Durant have: his own pair of Baby Boomer tennies.

StephCurryShoes

The hottest shoes at Bingo Night.

Listen, I’m no fashion expert.  I will go outside with a giant stain covering half of my shirt if my wife doesn’t stop me.  But I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing these unless I was a narc trying to infiltrate a Paul Simon concert.  These shoes should come with grass stains, because they are identical to the ones your dad wears when he mows the lawn.  I’m pretty sure these come with a free phone clip to attach to your belt.

Brodystain

Just another day for Mike Brody

How insane is it that a 38-year-old white guy with zero taste can sit here making fun of an NBA star’s signature shoes?   I’m convinced Under Armour had a warehouse shipping mistake and somewhere there’s a horde of Cocoon-aged retirees learning to play tennis for the first time wearing neon purple designer pimp shoes.  Did the guy who invented New Coke move into shoe design?  If lactose-free unflavored yogurt were a shoe, these would be it.

They should call these “The Matlocks”.  Better yet, they should call these the “Dell Curry’s” because they resemble something Steph’s dad would have worn to file his taxes in 1988.

DellCurry

Steph’s dad’s shoes were cooler and he wore shorts up to his nuts.

I talked to 7’3″ retired NBA player Randy Breuer once.  He said that Reebok gave him 100 pairs of size 18 Reebok Pumps in 1989 and he still has most of them.  He just wears a pair until they blow out and then puts on the next Bigfoot gurney.  So it stands to reason that Curry will have 100 or so in his basement until 2090.

Here’s a couple things he can do to fix the situation:

  • Attempt to return them to Kohl’s
  • Donate them to crazy old man gum-mouth Steve Kerr.
  • Make sure that Klay Thompson’s new shoes are white Crocs.

And yet, he’ll still make more money off these then I will make in a lifetime.

New life-plan: Steal Steph Curry’s 100 sneakers and sell them on Craigslist as George Mikan originals.  Hello retirement!

 

 

 

 

FARGO

Flip Saunders is acting like a jealous old girlfriend, spreading rumors and trying to piss everybody off in lieu of tonight’s Wolves/Cavs game.

Here’s what he had to say after practice on Monday about Kevin Love and Cleveland:  “Minnesota people are pretty loyal. You turn on Minnesota, they don’t forgive you. So I think people probably appreciated him while he was here. But you leave under the terms that he did, just the way Minnesota people are, they’re not pretty forgiving along those lines.”

Dude.  Flip.   Do you even live in Minnesota?  How do you not know how Minnesotans work?  We don’t get outwardly mad at people.  We get super pissed on the inside, push it way down into our bowels and then flog ourselves in a closet while staring at pictures of Kevin Love and LeBron James hugging.  We’ll boo him, but it won’t be at a game.  It’ll be three months later in the Macy’s Skyway.  We won’t be able to fit into any swimsuits for our Jamaican vacation and it’ll be the straw that broke the loon’s back and we’ll shove the swimsuit over our head and scream “Damn you, Kevin Love!  You ruined my waistline!” and cry and cry.

That’s how Minnesota works:  Passive-aggressive denial, rage bubbling to the surface, shame, repeat.

I, for one, would like to end this cycle.  As a Timberwolves fan and resident Minnesotan, I have decided to look at the man in the mirror and make that change.  I have been working diligently on being just flat-out AGGRESSIVE-aggressive.  When the Lakers were in town recently, I overhead a dude yelling at an employee at Target:

DUDE: Where are all your Lakers jerseys? 

EMPLOYEE: I’m sorry, we don’t have any.  

DUDE: What?!  But the Lakers are national, man!  

EMPLOYEE:  We only carry Minnesota teams.  

ME (Running by, pointing my fingers and yelling at full volume): FUCK THE LAKERS AND FUCK YOU!  GO WOLVES! 

DUDE: Not funny, man.   

It felt good.  So even though Flip is confused (especially since tonight’s Wolves/Cavs game is in CLEVELAND), I think we should try and fulfill the vision and drop the passive-aggressiveness.  Let’s take it at Kevin Love when the game IS played here.  Let’s burn Mike Love solo albums in the parking lot.  Let’s steal coats from homeless people.  Let’s start a GoFundMe, buy the Cleveland Cavaliers and only offer him a four-year contract worth Ricky Rubio’s jockstrap.

No more Minnesota nice.  Let’s bring some Minnesota ice.

Also, they’re going to kill us.  We suck really bad.

GO WOLVES!!!

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

The T-Wolves season is about to begin!  I’ll be posting regularly once it does, but in the meantime I am freaking out.  KEVIN LOVE MENTIONED AND LINKED MY “Kevin Love Jersey Burning – MN Nice Style” video in his letter to Wolves fans/Cavs fans/himself/LeBron James/Mike Love.  I can die happy.  Famous people don’t seem real to me, but he’s real!  I will now be writing letters/making videos to the drummer from Iron Maiden, Kermit the Frog and Abraham Lincoln to try and continue this streak.

See you guys soon.

 

MNrise

This is not an anti-Kevin Love post.

I’ve focused so much mental energy on that man.  I wrote blog after angry blog cursing him out.  I begged him to stay.  I even made a video about Minnesotans being too nice to burn his jersey.

But I’m done complaining. Kevin Love is gone and what we got back is probably the best haul for a superstar forcing his way out, ever:

Andrew Wiggins: Holy Moses Malone, we got Wiggins!  I’ve been so worried for the past month that we’d screw it up or that the league would veto the trade.  But it actually worked out and we now have arguably (and that’s a big arguably) the most touted talent since LeBron James joining our team.  And he’s Canadian!  People always bitch about our cold weather, but that’s nothing to a Canuck!  Minnesota winters are Fiji to them!  And we live close enough that we can import poutine and Tim Horton’s relatively cheaply to make him happy.  The dude is chill and smiley and just wants to be on a team that wants him.  Well guess what, Andrew?  Minnesota wants you!  We’re desperate and friendly and we’ll take you to our cabins up north to make you feel less homesick. Seriously, if you’d have told me a year ago that we’d have Andrew Freakin’ Wiggins right now I’d have punched you in the throat and demanded to know who sent you. But now, like KG said: “Anything is possible!”  Let’s get Kevin Durant in 2016 and then maybe an android version of 1996 Scottie Pippen!  Our starting center can be Bowser from Mario Kart!

Anthony Bennett: Okay, let’s be honest: Anthony Bennett had literally the worst season ever for a #1 overall pick last year. Like Nicki Minaj singing the national anthem and changing it to about butts bad.  It’s not even worth going into Bennett’s stats.  My high school varsity b-ball stats were better and I only scored two points total and even I was surprised the ball went in. However, there are reports all over the league that he’s really gotten into shape and is actually trying and doing pretty well in the summer league. If the fat kid from Teen Wolf can get better, then a former #1 player can too.  Oh, and he’s also Canadian!  Share the maple leafs, Wiggins, you got a Mountie buddy!

Thaddeus Young: I actually don’t know much about Thaddeus Young.  I know he averaged 17ppg last year and everybody from Philly seemed to love him. More importantly, his name is incredible. Thaddeus sounds like the name an alien overlord would give himself to try to blend in and be more likeable.  And according to Wikipedia, it’s the 611th most popular male name in America. (#610 is “Boy”.) But hey, Overlord Gladius Thaddeus will likely be our new starting PF and he has a reputation for NOT complaining, so count me in!

Throw these three fellas names in with other newcomers to our team like Zach Lavine and Mo Williams, then mix ’em up with our carry-over players like Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer, Chase Budinger, Gorgui Dieng and even Shabazz Muhammad and we’ve got a pretty dang good team.

Maybe not playoffs good yet, but hey…why start now?

Photo from inflexwetrust.com

Photo from inflexwetrust.com

The NBA Draft will be held on June 26 and while it’s widely considered the deepest draft in ten years, there are still many question marks about who will go where and in what order.  I’m here to help.

Here are the top 14 picks and (with 100% certainty) the way the picks will go:

#1) Cleveland Cavaliers – Joel Embiid, C, Kansas

As a Minnesota Timberwolves fan I can’t talk too much trash about bad drafting, but holy cow did they crap the bed last year. Anthony Bennett is the fifth #1 pick since 1988 to not make the All-Rookie team (the others: Peanut brittle tough Elijah Price clones Greg Oden and Danny Manning as well as flat-out flops “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison and Kwame “Jordan’s Bitch” Brown.) Even Michael Olowokandi made the All-Rookie 2nd team!  My prediction: The Cavs, being stupid and superstitious, will freak out about drafting two Canadians in a row and pass on Andrew Wiggins, taking Embiid.  Or they trade the pick altogether and swap it for Kevin Love.  Either way, they’ll still be the Cavs. 

#2) Milwaukee Bucks – Andrew Wiggins, SF/SG, Kansas

Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated! So Wisconsin isn’t exactly a sexy destination for Andrew Wiggins.  But did you see the owner’s daughter at the draft!? Oshkosh B’gosh!  If I were Milwaukee, I’d dowry up that chick to Andrew faster than a Laverne & Shirley assembly line.  Riggin’ for Wiggins indeed!  Besides, I saw creepy-ass Nate Wolters making moves on her, so you better lock that shit down!

"Oh hi Mallory, I was wondering if you wanted to look at my antique turtle shell collection? It's quite sensual." Photo from pictures.zimbio.com

“Oh hi Mallory, this is the face I make when I’m in my human-sized turtle shell. Wanna race?” Photo from pictures.zimbio.com

#3) Philadelphia 76ers – Jabari Parker, SF, Duke

Whoever gets picked here better be good, because Dr. J looked like he wanted to strangle the world with Earl The Pearl’s neck chain.

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from http://larrybrownsports.com

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from http://larrybrownsports.com

#4) Orlando Magic – Dante Exum, PG/SG, Australia

How do we know this guy is even any good?  Has anyone ever seen Australia basketball before?  For all we know he punts wallabies into baskets of Vegemite stacked on-top of prison colony watchtowers. “Aye mate, that’s Australian rules basketball!  Now take the zip-line koala to the Outback before the didgeridoo buzzer goes off! AC/DC!”

#5) Utah Jazz – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana-Lafayette

Honestly, most mock drafts didn’t have this guy going higher than #29, but there’s nothing Utah loves more than a person with a stupid name.  And since Dante Exum is gone and there’s nobody in the draft named Wealtho McRomney, then Elfrid it is!  Sorry, Kristaps Porzingis.  You were so close. (Real pick: Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana)

#6) Boston Celtics – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky

I checked.  Julius Randle has no prior record of cocaine use.  Go for it, Boston!

#7) Los Angeles Lakers – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma State

Jack Nicholson’s started going to Clippers’ games.  Better make it a good one, LA.  Tick-tock, bitches.

#8) Sacramento Kings – Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona

I appreciate any team that makes my Timberwolves seem any less depressing. When the brightest spot in a decade is that your team didn’t literally pack up and move to another town, you are possibly in trouble.  But yeah, I’m sure drafting a dude named Aaron will fix everything.

#9) Charlotte Hornets – White guy

#10) Philadelphia 76ers – White guy

#11) Denver Nuggets – James Young, SF/SG, Kentucky

I spent some time in Colorado recently and it’s impossible to breathe there.  I can’t believe that it’s legal for a team in the mountains to have a home game.  God help the league if they ever draft a Kenyan.  James Young sounds pretty American, so it’s cool for now.

#12) Orlando Magic – Rodney Hood, SF, Duke

Am I the only person who thinks that Rodney Hood sounds like Robin Hood’s lousy younger brother that went to Duke?  “Hi, I’m Rodney Hood.  I steal from the rich and give to Christian Laettner.  He’s very lonely.”

#13) Minnesota Timberwolves – Nik Stauskas, SG, Michigan

Hey Kevin Love!  Unpack your bags!  Nik Stauskas is coming!  *self-inflicted gunshot*

#14) Phoenix Suns – Jusuf Nurkic, C, Bosnia

LESSON #1 for Jusuf Nurkic in the NBA.  YOU MUST WEAR PANTS!!!  A basketball is not enough to cover your junk!

"Get Real, Jusuf. The ball doesn't need to be THAT far out." Photo from cdn.fansided.com

“Uh, Jusuf? The ball doesn’t need to be THAT far out.” Photo from cdn.fansided.com

So those are my picks. If the 14 lottery teams just take my advice and pick exactly like I say, none of them will ever be in the draft ever again.  You’re welcome, NBA.

Photo from comicsforge.com

Photo from comicsforge.com

There’s not much I can say about Kevin Love that I haven’t already said.  He’s a snake and a whiner and he’s going to leave us.  Sure as Wally Szczerbiak is white, David Kahn is stupid and Sam Cassell has fetal alcohol syndrome.

BUT HERE’S THE RUB, MINNESOTA:  We. Don’t. Need. Him.

Yeah, he’s a superstar and a one of a kind talent.  But in six years with him we didn’t make the playoffs once.  Not once!  What’s the worst that can happen without him?  We continue to still not make the playoffs?  That’s like being afraid that your motorless Omni Hatchback won’t start.  I’d rather have 12 Ricky Rubios that actually want to be here than one superstar who’s got one foot on the beach and the other up our ass.

Well, it’s time to put his foot where it belongs: Up his own ass.

Send him to Cleveland.

You got a problem with being on an inept team there, Kevvy?  You don’t even KNOW ineptitude. Meet Dan Gilbert.  He makes David Kahn look like Keyser Soze.  And they’re just stupid enough to trade for you and think they can convince you to stay with pipedreams of luring LeBron James the next year.  Please, please fall for that.  It will be so amazing to see your face drop when that doesn’t happen.  When your paychecks are written in Comic Sans and you realize you’re in a town who’s slogan is literally “We’re Not Detroit“, then please think of Minneapolis and how we nurtured you.  How we took you in when you were just a fat, puffy white dude who liked to collect coats and pad your stats.  We adopted you.  We believed in you.  We laughed at your jokes and ignored your non-existent defense.  We pretended like you were the first Kevin who ever won our hearts.  We considered you a #1 option when you’re clearly only a #2.  Because it could have been worse.

Give him worse.

Send him to goddamn Cleveland.

Dan Gilbert must have made Anthony Bennett give Adam Silver one big sloppy Ohio blowjob for them to get the #1 pick again.  Unreal.  They don’t deserve it.  We do.  Make them trade it to us along with Dion Waiters for Kevin Love, JJ Barea and Glen Taylor.  Just like that, everything is right in the world again.  Cleveland gets the whiny bitch, Lakers fans are sad and we make the playoffs exactly as much as we did with Kevin Love: Zero.

Yeah, Andrew Wiggins would just end up leaving us, too.  But he’s from Canada.  Minnesota is like Texas to those weirdos.  Our weather is tropical in comparison and yet we’re still on the border, so he can skip over to get Tim Horton’s, watch Avril Lavigne concerts and buy maple leaf underwear.  And it’d take at least six years before he could push his way out, anyway.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Smells like Cleveland. Photo from sbnation.com

Smells like Cleveland. Photo from sbnation.com