Posts Tagged ‘comedian’

I’ve been a fan of the Minnesota Timberwolves since 2002.  I saw some good years, then sat through a decade and a half of BDSM with all of the bleeding and none of the enjoyment.  I went to games that were so sparsely attended that even though I bought upper bowl tickets, I sat in the third row courtside and nobody stopped me.  Hell, I could have played and nobody would have cared.  I slogged through Rambis, Kahn, Darko, knuckle push-ups and the Cream Team.  Still year in and year out I come back to this team, because I gave my heart to them.  I even made a video where I couldn’t burn Kevin Love’s jersey because I loved the Pups too much.

But after last night, I will only put in as much effort as the Timberwolves do.  And that currently is zero.  Players and coaches change over the years, but the one thing that remains constant is the fans.  And the Timberwolves fans deserve better than this.  My 98 year old grandma would have tried harder and she’s not alive.

So fuck you, Timberwolves.


Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, Taj & Teague – you’re cool, fuck you, fuck you.  I’m out.

(Yeah, yeah, yeah I’m not going anywhere and maybe after next game I’ll change my tune but I’m just completely disillusioned with this franchise right now.)

Darren Collison, Karl-Anthony Towns

(AP Photo/Jim Mone)

Well, that was some sad sack shit.

The Minnesota Timberwolves just got their nipples handed to them 130-107 by the headless husk of the Indiana Pacers, without Myles Turner, at HOME.  There are few words that accurately describe how embarrassing and disheartening this loss was.  Discommodious?  Unpropitious?  Timberwolvesian?

Yeah, we didn’t have Jimmy Butler, who was out with an upper respiratory illness and with our luck will be dead by Friday.  However, that doesn’t account for how bad we were without ONE player.  If we are going to make the Western Conference Playoffs for the first time since “The Notebook” was released in theaters, then we cannot lose games like this.  We have to be perfect from now on.  We have to go back in time and win every single game since 1989.  We have to steal Michael Beasley’s weed, convince Stephon Marbury that Minneapolis is China and then sign David Kahn up for adoption to Charles Lindberg circa 1912 or whenever he was born.  That’s how perfect we have to be.

How is it that year after year, no matter who the players or coaches are, we are still the same lousy Timberwolves?  We are like the town from “It”, where the faces change but the clown remains the same.  There were actually boos at the Target Center last night.  Do you know how hard it is to make Minnesotans boo?  We would rather cut off our fingers and put them in our lutefisk than show emotion in public.  All of our emoticons on our phones are the same blank face.  We booed these punks.  I’m pretty sure someone from St. Cloud is self-flagellating themselves in a closet right now for expressing sentiment in public.


The all-purpose, all-emotion emoticon of Minnesota.

Some of our bandwagon fans this year are probably wondering how us Minnesotans deal with all this year in and year out?  Here’s five quick, easy steps:

  1. Displace your anger –  Push it way, way down.  Don’t address it mentally or verbally.  Let it come out sideways towards your co-workers when they take too long at the copier.
  2. Get depressed – It’s gonna happen anyway due to lack of sunlight and vitamin D during the winter, so why not blame it on things that are out of your control like grown men who can’t achieve mediocrity at the sport they’re paid to play?
  3. Eat – Get fat.  Get real fat.
  4. Next year – Oh man, we’re gonna be good next year.

We play again tonight against the Pistons in Detroit.  Jimmy Butler is out again (RIP J-Buckets).  Let’s win this shit so we can all pretend, in true Minnesota fashion, like last night didn’t happen and everything’s fine.  Repress, rinse, repeat.


The Timberwolves currently have a bit of an issue at the point guard position.  Longtime fan-favorite/most-hated Timberwolf Ricky Rubio is clearly on the way out.  Personally, I love Rubio.  But like my non-existent hairline, sometimes it’s best to just realize there’s no saving things.  Kris Dunn appears to be Tom Thibodeau’s favorite for the future, which probably entails standing over his bed at night yelling “REST!  REST!!  NO NIGHTMARES!!!”  However, wee-little Tyus Jones is also coming on very strong.  What to do?


Ricky Rubio, possibly heading back to Mypos. 

Since Rubio will surely be out of the picture no later than this summer, I’m going to analyze the pros and cons of Kris Dunn vs. Tyus Jones and try to figure out who is best suited to start.



Kris Dunn, while still at Providence, doing some kind of Licorice Whip or something?  I don’t know how kids dance these days. Photo from




  • Those amazing ankle-breakers?  Well, he’s made like one of the shots that followed those.  That’s about as useful as doing a hand-stand on a car that’s driving into Lake Minnetonka.
  • He’s a rookie but is already almost 23, which makes him the oldest player on the Timberwolves. (Okay, not really, but kinda.  The Timberwolves probably couldn’t rent a car between the 12 of them.)
  • He’s the reason I am probably going to have to take my autographed Ricky Rubio poster and put it down in the basement next to the mouse traps and the giant painting of myself that I’m too embarrassed to display but am too egotistical to throw away.



Somebody made it for me and I gave them $50, okay?  Shut up. 


Tyus really needs to quit vaping. Photo from


  • One of the best shooters on the Timberwolves.  Did I make the prettiest girl at the meth clinic joke already?
  • Minnesota native like Bob Dylan, Kevin McHale and Tay Zonday.
  • Looks like a Furby.



  • Nikola Pekovic almost gets more playing time than him this year and Pek is somewhere in Montenegro right now laying on a couch drinking blood from a cauldron.
  • Minnesota native.  Nobody wants to criticize a hometown prodigy.  I’m from Iowa and we’ve had to pretend like we like Slipknot for like 20 years.  Nobody deserves that.
  • Has not returned any of my tweets asking if I can have his seat on the bench when he doesn’t play for 10 games straight.


In conclusion, we’re screwed.  Business as usual!

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.  They’re on a bit of a hot streak right now.  Here’s to hoping a wild herd of javelinas drags Eric Bledsoe off before the game.




The NBA season isn’t over yet, but it sure as shit is for the Timberwolves.  Stick a rusty, injured, confused, teenage, non-defense playing fork in it!  But hey, what better time to roll out the end of the season Timberwolves Awards than right when the rest of the basketball world is gearing up to start playing for realsies?

Here are my awards for each Timberwolves player currently on the roster.  Someday I’ll get to do this when there’s actual leaves on the trees:

MVP: Ricky Rubio – We simply need this wobbly noodle of a man-boy.  Only Minnesota and Spain seem to realize how good he is.  Maybe if we got on national television more often than chimpanzees go to space, the rest of the world would catch on?  Rubio to Wiggins forever!

Brightest Future Award: Andrew Wiggins – Speaking of forever, I want to use this space to say FUCK YOU to Toronto and everybody associated with it that thinks they’re going to steal him from us.  Oh you guys think you’re so cool because you got Drake?  Well, we got Bob Dylan, Prince and sometimes Josh Harnett so go suck on that you mountie-butted syrup-lickers!  Do you really think we’re going to let Wiggins go after the whole Kevin Love debacle?  NEVER!  Rob Ford has a better chance of being elected President or Premier or His Holiness or whatever the fuck you guys call your leaders there but nobody knows because nobody cares about Canada.

Most Likely To Become A Bag Of Pencil Shavings Next Year Award: Kevin Garnett – Dear god, he’s old.  He’s older than me and I don’t even play pick-up basketball anymore for fear of needing a hip replacement.  I love KG.  I love him like my dog loves pooping on a very specific piece of paneling on our floor.  It’s direct and special.  But I believe we are going to sign him to a two-year contract and that is going to be interesting.  One-Eyed Willy has got more in the tank than KG.  Let’s just hope he buys this damn team.

Most Likely To Shoot No Matter What Award: Kevin Martin – Well, I guess somebody’s got to score.  It’d be nice if Wiggins could get more of those shots, but you just can’t seem to stop K-Mart from lobbing up his weird sideways rubber-band sling-shot.  I know it usually goes in, but it’s like he shoots it from his belly button somehow.  It gives me a seizure.

Somehow Managed To Play Less Games Than Kevin Garnett Award: Nikola Pekovic – People always say that Pekovic looks like Non The Destroyer from Superman 2, but at least Non was in the whole movie.  Lose some weight, you giant walrus.  At least the 500lb women of Walmart know when to get on a Rascal.

The “Their Mom Was Definitely Drunk When They Spelled His Name On The Birth Certificate” Award: Adreian Payne – Really?  Adreian?  What’re you saving up all those vowels for?  Was your mom Vanna White?  That’s not fair, though.  My favorite basketball players ever were Miechaeol Jordan, Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl Malone and AEIOU Johnson.

He Sucks Now But He’ll Definitely Be Better Next Year Award: Gorgui Dieng – This is Gorgui’s second time winning this award.  He’s slated to win it every year until he retires.

Best Dunker/Worst Player Award:  Zach LaVine – Hey, it worked for Harold Miner, right?

The “He’s Definitely Gone Next Year” Award: Gary Neal – Gary wants to live in Minnesota about as bad as Kim Kardashian.

Most Fun Name To Say Award: Shabazz Muhammad – Gorgui is fun to say, but Shabazz Muhammad is like taking your mouth on a motorcycle over a field of bubble-wrap.  SHABAZZ!  It makes me feel like Batman throwing smoke-pellet onto the ground.  SHABAZZ!!!!

The “Hey, Go Ahead And Take THIS One, Canada” Award: Anthony Bennett – Fuck you, Toronto.

Whitest Dude Alive Award MVP: Chase Budinger

Whitest Dude Alive Award Runner-up: Robbie Hummel

Whitest Dude Alive Newcomer Award: Justin Hamilton

The “I Totally Forgot That Lorenzo Brown Is On Our Team” Award: Lorenzo Brown 

Next up we play the Brooklyn Nets here in Minnesota.  I’m disappointed that it’s not in Brooklyn.  I was really looking forward to seeing their two year highlight video of KG’s 6 ppg for them.  Go Wolves!

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar earlier this summer.  Photo from

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar. Photo from

There are two thoughts that always give me comfort:

One: That there are still current NBA players older than me. (God bless you, Steve Nash.)

Two: That I’m less fat than Anthony Bennett.

Well damnit, AB screwed it all up and got into shape.  What am I supposed to do now?!  Soon Nash will retire to Canada and his $20,000,000 maple tree mansion and I’ll just be old and floppy.  Can we force Oliver Miller out of retirement?  Thanks Tony, now I can’t eat these Gummy Bear pancakes just because you decided to fulfill your potential.

However, if last night is any indication of how AB’s destiny is going to pan out, we’re in good shape ourselves.  Bennett scored 13 points and grabbed eight rebounds in just under 25 minutes of play in his Timberwolves preseason debut.  He threw down a couple thunderous dunks, had a killer spin move and did not once try and order a mashed potato pizza or eat JJ Barea.  (We would have allowed it.)

I wouldn’t be a true Minnesotan if doubt and pessimism didn’t creep back in.  This is only one preseason game.  People get lucky.  I’m sure Kwame Brown has had accidentally good games before.  Human Ent Manute Bol once hit six three pointers in a one half.  I won $100 in a Cap’n Crunch box in 6th grade (and spent it on a basketball, a Bell Biv Devoe tape, a Risk board game that I played by myself because I had no friends and the rest on Twix candy bars.  I haven’t won a damn thing since.)  And after all, we were playing the lowly 76ers without Joel Embiid, Noel Nerlens and Michael Carter-Williams, which officially puts them at 7th grade recess level, if the kids had never played basketball before and were all napping.

But screw it!  This is the season of unfamiliar optimism.  We have no players pushing their way out (knock on wood, knock on wood), our bench is actually way better than last year, we have potentially limitless Rubioops to Andrew Wiggins and Anthony Bennett is currently not strapped to a custard/jelly donut dialysis machine.  He may not be the next Karl Malone, but he might just live up to that #1 pick status after all.

AH SHIT!  I can’t write an article and not be pissy about something!  It feels so weird!  I hate JJ!  My taco doesn’t have enough sauce!  Glen Taylor hates puppies and thinks that Croatians aren’t people!  Phew, that’s better.  Now I’m ready to watch a Timberwolves season.

Go Wolves!