Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

TimberwolvesTwitter

Photo from twitter.com/Timberwolves

I literally say this every year, but WE ARE GOING TO BE AWESOME THIS YEAR!  Every time I’ve said that in the past has been a bullshit lie and I knew it.  I mean, yes, I believed it at the time.  Yet, deep down I knew we would never win with Alexey Shved at anything other than a “Saddest Russian” contest?  Every year leading up to this I’ve just been trying to justify spending large portions of my adult life staking my happiness on 12 random men who aren’t even really from Minnesota mostly (‘sup, Tyus).

But this year is different.  This year, we might actually play an NBA game in May.  Has there been a Timberwolves game played in warm weather since Kanye West’s first album?  Dude’s like 40 now.  90% of the league doesn’t even know we can grow deciduous trees.  Anyway, we had a SUPER busy off-season and I will now grade each major move we made one by one, because I am a super qualified judge of basketball:

Minnesota trades Zach LaVine, Kris Dunn and the #7 pick to the Chicago Bulls for Jimmy Butler and the #16 pick.  

A+

Zach LaVine is a slam-dunk champion who just wrecked his ACL.  That’s like a masseuse whose arms fell off.  Nobody wants a hook massage.  Kris Dunn is horrible.  Every single YouTube clip of him “breaking ankles” ends before the shot nears the rim because he shot like 2.5% from the field.  I think Kris Dunn is actually a Lacrosse player who accidentally walked into the NBA draft and they picked him anyway.  And the #7 pick ended up being some Finnish dude who I know next to nothing about but the Bulls chose him, so he surely sucks.  We fleeced these bitches!

Minnesota trades Ricky Rubio to the Utah Jazz for a 2018 1st round pick.  

G-

I made up a grade lower than F because I’m so upset.   I had to take my signed, framed Ricky Rubio photo out of my office and put it in the basement earlier this summer. I knew he was going to get traded and I had to start mentally distancing myself.  I’ll never change this face, Ricky!  I would have “Thelma & Louise”ed right off this cliff with you!

Minnesota renounces rights to Shabazz Muhammad, Brandon Rush, Adreian Payne, and Omri Casspi.

A+

Listen, anything that gets rid of Adreian Payne is an A+.  Drop Payne, Jimmy Butler and move the team to Belarus?  A+!  Not only does he look 45 at 25 somehow, but his ridiculously spelled first name has way too many vowels in it.  It’s like his mom was playing Scrabble when he was born and the doctor knocked the board over and she just went with it.  Oh, and he sucks.

Minnesota signs Taj Gibson 

B+

I like Taj.  Yeah, he’s kind of past his prime and a little expensive, but so is HBO and that shit is good for at least three months out of the year.

Minnesota signs Jeff Teague

No grade

I will not acknowledge Jeff Teague as a human being until he apologies for breathing the air that Ricky would be breathing if he were here.

Minnesota signs Jamal Crawford 

B-

Fuck it, why not? He’s super old and kind of like clicking on the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button on Google.  What’s the worst that can happen?  (Do NOT say Brandon Roy, Kevin Garnett 2.0 or Sam Cassell after the big nuts dance tore his hamstring.)

Minnesota signs Shabazz Muhammad for peanuts after he turned down a $44 million contract with us earlier in the summer. 

A+

One time I got addicted to Ebay and bought an Ullr (the Nordic god of skiing and archery) pendant for $250 after getting into a bidding war with what in retrospect was surely someone in cahoots with the owner.  A year later I sold it on Ebay for $5.  This is how Shabazz must feel.

Minnesota signs Albert Brooks for an undisclosed amount of money.  (It’s actually Aaron Brooks, but I accidentally typed Albert Brooks and I loved him in “Finding Dory” so I’m keeping it.)

A+ for Albert Brooks, C for Aaron Brooks.

Minnesota reportedly offers Andrew Wiggins a five-year $148 million contract.

A+

It’s a little high, but I love Wiggins and the good news is this is in Canadian money.  The exchange on this is actually $3 million USD and two Tragically Hip CDs.

The new jerseys 

A

I like them.  They kind of look like a gas station, but one that sells Pepsi Max.  Like…a GOOD gas station.  You can definitely get a fruit cup and poop in the toilet without getting hepatitis.

Our first preseason game of the year is on September 30 against the Lakers in Los Angeles.  Let’s see if Lonzo’s newest $500 shoes can make it through the exhibition season.

GO WOLVES!

 

 

 

WarriorsFan1

A Golden State Warriors fan celebrates having finally sold all his Miami Heat gear. Photo from media.10news.com

Fuck Golden State Warriors fans.

Warriors fans outside of California are like Canadians who tip.  They don’t exist.  These fake posers didn’t even know who the Warriors were until Dell Curry’s and Mychal Thompson’s sons showed up.  Wherever I go now I see every damn person wearing Golden State gear as if that beanie weren’t a Lakers one five years ago, a Heat one three years ago, a Cavs one two years ago.  Hey jerky, I got a safe team for you to sport:  Check out the Harlem Globetrotters.  They never lose!

And fuck Kevin Durant.

You don’t join the team that beat you.  Michael Jordan didn’t join the Pistons in 1989.  I didn’t join the people who depantsed me everyday in 3rd grade, pulling down my own pants trying to get approval just because I wanted to be on “the winning team”.  No.  I suffered alone and then carried all my baggage into my 30s, because that’s what adults do!

But fuck Golden State Warriors fans even more.

Seriously, you’re gonna act like this is “your team”?  Name one player that played for that sorry-sack team after Run TMC and before Babyface McGrossmouthguardchew.  And if you don’t know who Run TMC is  I swear I will find you and slap the Hatchimal out of your hands because you are 12 and I am threatened by youth!

And fuck Kevin Durant again.

When did this whole “I just have a favorite player” thing start?  What a gutless way to always be winning.  I’m a Timberwolves fan until I die (or Glen Taylor accidentally sells them to another state for more Cosby sweaters). Being a Timberwolves fan is grueling, confusing and disheartening.  We are the most excited we’ve been in 13 years and we’re 11 games under .500.  Jared from Subway is going to get out of prison before we make the playoffs.  But damnit, this is our TEAM.  We don’t jump ship.  We support our team and hang tight until that special moment when we’re 95 on our deathbeds and all the marine life in the world has died and the air looks like the sky from “The Matrix” and Vince Carter is finally retiring and we say “Did the Timberwolves make the playoffs yet?  No?  Okay good, I don’t like change” and then we die.

WarriorsFan2

Next up we play the Warriors at home on Friday.  Fuck you posers!

GO WOLVES!

 

thibsyelling

Photo from img.apmcdn.org

Minnesota Timberwolves head coach Tom Thibodeau is a loud son of a bitch.  His voice cuts through all the noise during a game and his is almost all you hear whether you’re watching at home, at the game or listening to a death metal band at the State Theater down the street.  He sounds like what I imagine Tom Waits would if you were punching him while he was taking a poop.

Thibs’ demeanor often gets judged, but what people don’t know is that underneath it all he’s just misunderstood.  I grew up in Iowa amongst farmers who didn’t know how to express their emotions except for grunts and barks and I am fluent in Cookie Monster.  So here’s my translation guide to understanding the true, surprisingly sensitive meaning of Thibodeau’s guttural outbursts on the sideline:

“GO GET IT!!!” – Translation:  “Our dreams are only obtainable if we go for them.  Find your spirit animal.  Mine’s a giant panda that yells at his bamboo.”

“ICE!” – Translation: “Ah shit, Dwight Howard is shooting free throws.  We’re all getting Cherry Berry!”

“RICKY!” – Translation:  Change this face.  Be happy.  Enjoy!

“KARL!!!” – Translation:  “You are the future of our team, Karl.  You’re a lovely human being and I want you to be my Tim Duncan.  That Karlito alter-ego thing is a bit weird but hey I don’t have any real human relationships because of my bunkering down Cold War era style watching constant loops of Jimmy Butler driving to the game in the hidden camera I installed in his car.  Also, please stop shooting those threes.”

“JOHN LUCAS III!!!” – Translation:  “Is John Lucas III still on our team?”

WHAT THE FUCK?! – Translation:  “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“Practice is important. The regular season is important. Your meetings are important. Your walk-through is important. Everything is important. You want to be a championship team, there’s a price to pay. And that’s what you have to do. There’s no shortcuts. You can’t shortcut your way to success.” – Translation: “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!”

“*gurgling noise*” – Translation:  “I had too much pastrami before the game and my heart-attack is imminent.”

Next up we play the Rockets at home on Wednesday.  If we can build a 25 point lead with 2 minutes left in regulation maybe we’ll only lose by ten?

GO WOLVES!

frostywolves

Timberpups Howl!

The Minnesota Timberwolves are going to be good this year.  Of course I say that every season, but this time I mean it.  Yeah, we haven’t had a winning season for the entirety of this blog’s existence and the first post was literally about how we were finally going to be good that year.  But no joke we are probably going to possibly maybe not suck this year.  Did I jinx it?  Crap, I think I just jinxed it.

This isn’t like the time I thought Anthony Bennett was going to learn how to play basketball, or the time I pretended like Nikola Pekovic wasn’t Greg Oden with none of the talent and more of the drinking problem.  This is legit.  We are just like the 2009 Oklahoma City Thunder.  A very young team bursting with talent, who gradually grew from phenoms to a perennial title contender, only to be inevitably decimated and broken up by egos and Big Market aspirations.  Shit.

Here’s why I think we’re actually going to be awesome this year:  Damnit, it’s our turn.  I know that life isn’t about fairness but our season has ended in April for so many years that I’m not even sure that NBA players know Minnesota has warm weather anymore.  I don’t think the NBA is rigged, but they should 100% rig this season to give us at least a 45 win season.  45 wins!  I don’t think that’s greedy.   Just enough to give us an 8th seed in the Western Conference.  Then everybody will get to see Minneapolis in the springtime.  We’ll show everybody Dinkytown and the 30,000 apartment buildings that Bob Dylan might have slept in according to all the landlords.  We’ll take people pontooning and warn them about the dangers of speading Zebra Mussels.  Hell, we can even let people see St. Paul if they’re into trees or sleeping or something.  You know, the Minnesota experience.

This is our year.

Knock on wood.

wolves2017

Photo from hofmag.com

First game of the season is against The Grizzlies in Memphis on October 26.  Remember when they were the Vancouver Grizzlies before cell phones existed?  We were good then!

GO WOLVES!

 

Steph Curry is arguably the greatest and most marketable player currently in the NBA.  And now Curry has something that neither LeBron or Durant have: his own pair of Baby Boomer tennies.

StephCurryShoes

The hottest shoes at Bingo Night.

Listen, I’m no fashion expert.  I will go outside with a giant stain covering half of my shirt if my wife doesn’t stop me.  But I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing these unless I was a narc trying to infiltrate a Paul Simon concert.  These shoes should come with grass stains, because they are identical to the ones your dad wears when he mows the lawn.  I’m pretty sure these come with a free phone clip to attach to your belt.

Brodystain

Just another day for Mike Brody

How insane is it that a 38-year-old white guy with zero taste can sit here making fun of an NBA star’s signature shoes?   I’m convinced Under Armour had a warehouse shipping mistake and somewhere there’s a horde of Cocoon-aged retirees learning to play tennis for the first time wearing neon purple designer pimp shoes.  Did the guy who invented New Coke move into shoe design?  If lactose-free unflavored yogurt were a shoe, these would be it.

They should call these “The Matlocks”.  Better yet, they should call these the “Dell Curry’s” because they resemble something Steph’s dad would have worn to file his taxes in 1988.

DellCurry

Steph’s dad’s shoes were cooler and he wore shorts up to his nuts.

I talked to 7’3″ retired NBA player Randy Breuer once.  He said that Reebok gave him 100 pairs of size 18 Reebok Pumps in 1989 and he still has most of them.  He just wears a pair until they blow out and then puts on the next Bigfoot gurney.  So it stands to reason that Curry will have 100 or so in his basement until 2090.

Here’s a couple things he can do to fix the situation:

  • Attempt to return them to Kohl’s
  • Donate them to crazy old man gum-mouth Steve Kerr.
  • Make sure that Klay Thompson’s new shoes are white Crocs.

And yet, he’ll still make more money off these then I will make in a lifetime.

New life-plan: Steal Steph Curry’s 100 sneakers and sell them on Craigslist as George Mikan originals.  Hello retirement!

 

 

 

 

OMG OMG OMG!  Tom Thibodeau is our coach!

I realize this is a few days late, but I live in Minneapolis.  Prince died and everything officially shut down while a giant chunk of downtown became a three-day dance party.  We lost our purple president.  It’s like if 69 Kevin Garnetts died.

However, I’ve had a moment to regroup and it’s time to re-commence my excitement:

tomthibodeau2

Come on ride the Thibs Train! Yeehaw! (Photo: Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

Yes, there are concerns about his overplaying players, driving them into the ground and therefore causing unneeded injuries.  That may or may not be true, but it’s a small concern.  If you’ve been driving a Ford Focus for 15 years, you don’t complain because your new Ferrari doesn’t have a cup-holder.

Many people are wondering how our young team is going to fit in with this hard-nosed workhorse.  Will they fall apart under the pressure or flourish with the new discipline? Here’s how I predict it will go with each player individually:

Karl-Anthony Towns – KAT is going to be a 25ppg/12 rpg player next year.  Thibs’ intensity will only make him work harder and he’ll become a top ten player on his way to eventually becoming the greatest big man in NBA history.  Basketball will be renamed “KATball” and every player will be required to have an imaginary friend.  He’ll be elected ruler of the new world when we colonize Mars and will rule over 1000 years of peace.  I’m freaking out!  I LOVE KAT!!!

Andrew Wiggins – This will go either one of two ways.  Either his nice-guy Canadian DNA will cause him to wither in the face of a screamy, meany-face coach or it’ll unlock his inner mutant like Deadpool. I’m hoping for the latter. In fact, Wiggins won’t fully arrive until he becomes so enraged that he rips Thibs’ throat out like a vampire and sets the Cannuck flag on fire, screaming “I denounce everything Canadian and hereby proclaim my home as HELL!”

Ricky Rubio – It’s really hard to imagine our little Care Bear Ricky with tough-guy Thibs.  It’s also hard to imagine his knees holding up under the work.  The good news is, Ricky could never jump before, so he can blow his knees out 250 times and still have the same speed/vertical.  I think Thibs is going to execute 45 shooting coaches to make this work.

Zach LaVine – LaVine is the only one out of this group that I think will be unfazed by all the ferocity.  LaVine is just too chill and oblivious.  I’m pretty sure Thibs could strangle LaVine’s hamster in front of him and he’d still be wondering if he set his DVR to record “Empire”.

Kevin Garnett – Thibs is Garnett.  Garnett is Thibs.  They are a match made in heaven.  If these two men were mob bosses and I got caught ratting on them, I’d hang myself so I wouldn’t have to get skinned alive, rolled in honey, thrown to a genetically modified killer bear, then beaten to death with a folding chair on fire.

Shabazz Muhammad – Guess who’s not going to be sneaking girls into hotel rooms when he’s not supposed to anymore?

Gorgui Dieng – Dieng runs like a choo-choo train. Look at him next time he plays.  He doesn’t move up or down when he runs and his arms hang low like they’re on the tracks.  This has nothing to do with Tom Thibodeau but I’ve been wanting to say that for a while.

Nikola Pekovic – Upon hearing about Thibs’ hiring, Pek’s legs immediately turned to dust.  Pek is currently a $20 million cloud floating over Yellowstone National Park.

Nemanja Bjelica – One soft European + one insanely psychotic, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen coach = What could go wrong?

Adreian Payne – Adreian has a lot of talent.  Maybe Thibs can unlock that and scare away some of those stupid extra vowels in the process?

Tyus Jones – Probably the only player who, if Thibs makes him sad, can run back to their mother in Burnsville.  Nothing a Karmelkorn Treat Center stop at the Burnsville Mall can’t fix.

Tayshaun Prince – Thibs and Tayshaun will spend most of the year reminiscing about graduating high school together.

Damjan Rudez – Rudez also looks forward to being introduced to the team.

Greg Smith – 10 day contract guys are like handjobs.  Are they really worth counting?

Next up for us is a lottery pick and free-agency.  Let’s sign all of them!

Go Wolves!

Well I’ll be damned.  Glen Taylor can make good decisions after all. All it took was for him to pay someone else to make them.  Mr. Peanut just hired some fancy-pants consulting firm, who I’ve never heard of but I know they’re fancy because someone told me they were, to vet and choose the next Wolves coach and president.

I’ve heard that when he’s not busy being a Magneto double, Taylor’s actually a really nice guy.  But is this really the dude you want making basketball decisions for your team?

glen

“You guys listening to the rippity-rap? No, I’m not a cop.”

Do you realize what this means?  This means someone who is good at decisions will be making them.  My god!  What’s that like?  And he fired Mitchell!  Taylor doesn’t fire his friends, he gives them bonuses for being stupid and then buys them a bathtub gin and a Model-T Ford.  “Ah woo gah!”

So who’s going to be the replacement?  There are a few candidates for the new Timberwolves coaching position:

  1. Tom Thibodeau – He’s a workhorse and he stresses defense, which is something we’re as familiar with as Mongolian literature.  However, I recently talked to a retired Timberwolf who played with Thibs when he was an assistant for us and he called him “Dumb as shit.”  That really has nothing to do with anything but it’s awesome.
  2. Scott Brooks – He kind of looks like Steve Kerr.  Maybe that’ll translate into a 73 win season next year?
  3. Dave Joerger – Minnesota guy.  That’s all it takes for Minnesotans to want someone around.  Minnesotans would take Jerry Sandusky if he were from Maplewood.
  4. Jeff Van Gundy – Only if this happens every game.
  5. Mark Jackson – Eh, who needs a coach  anyway?

That’s it for our season!  We ended up with 29 wins, which is disappointing if Flip were still in the picture but really great considering he wasn’t.  We have a potential top five lottery pick coming up this summer and the Target Center is getting renovated.  I say this every year but NEXT YEAR WE’RE GOING TO BE AWESOME!  See you next season when I come up with all the other excuses for why we still suck.

GO WOLVES!