Posts Tagged ‘Crunch’

Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year. ¬†The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker. ¬†I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas. ¬†Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable? ¬† “G-String” McGee?

To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore. ¬†I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix. ¬†He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A. ¬†I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls. ¬†Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying. ¬†Enemies for life.

So¬†I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals. ¬†I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch¬†Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to¬†hire me straight out when he hears these:

Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry. 

Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school. ¬†We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math. ¬†But it works out for everybody. ¬†We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.

Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries. 

Hear me out. ¬†We need a guy to boo. ¬†Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.) ¬†Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people. ¬†But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas. ¬†We get a guy who is okay at basketball and¬†more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues. ¬†Hello ticket sales!

Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney. 

Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player. ¬†But hey, neither was Darko¬†Milińćińá. ¬†Just look at that last name. ¬†It looks like even Milińćińá’s letters are trying to leave him. ¬†If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too. ¬†But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team? ¬†Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray. ¬†We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch¬†after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes. ¬†And “G-String” McGee can join too! ¬†Win-Win!

fancyray

“My my my! ¬†I am the BEST looking 12th man in the NBA!”

Thank me later, Thibs.

Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night. ¬†Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.

Go Wolves!!!

 

Thank God for Sacramento!

There’s a sentence nobody’s ever said before.¬† It ranks on the unused list right between “Why are you touching me, Kate Upton?” and “I volunteer for experimental vasectomy surgery.”

Two out of our six wins were against Sacramento.¬† The importance of that can’t be overstated in a year that we’ve lost to both Charlotte and Toronto.¬† Gah.¬† Really?¬† The Bobcats and the Raptors?¬† The Bobcats’ best players are Kemba Walker and a sandwich and I’m pretty sure every Raptors’ home game happened because the crowd wandered in on accident. ¬† I cannot accept getting beaten by a team that named themselves after Jurassic Park.

It’s not like the Kings don’t have talent.¬† I fear the day that DeMarcus Cousins gets his head straightened out.¬† That guy is one of the most gifted basketball players to come into the league in years.¬† But he’s got some serious anger issues, especially for a third-year player who’s supposed to be paying his dues.¬† He’s been kicked out of practice for refusing to listen to the coach, removed from an airplane because of an altercation with a teammate and suspended two games for confronting Spurs’ announcer Sean Elliot after a game because he mentioned on-air that Cousins needs to learn a bit of humility.¬† Way to prove him wrong there, Gandhi.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a dick too.¬† But I don’t make 4 million dollars a year.¬† Drink some chamomile or something, buddy.¬† Put on some freak-sized yoga pants and get in touch with your inner sweetheart.¬† It’s not like someone ate your lasagna in the break-room at Walgreens.¬† You’re a famous, physically dominate millionaire.¬† Calm the crap down and don’t screw things up.¬† Then, when you’re done with the NBA and made your money, you can go asshole it up all over the world!¬†¬† Go punch every Australian you meet.¬† Piss on the Eiffel Tower because it doesn’t understand you.¬† Tell a dolphin you don’t love it.¬† Whatever!

Take our own Luke Ridnour:

Dude’s one bag of meth from being an extra on Breaking Bad.¬† I guarantee he’s had a street name like “Booby” before.¬† But he keeps his mouth shut.¬† Last night he had 18 points and five assists.¬† He knows he’s not Chris Paul, so he works his ass off just to stay around.¬† He’s not making trade demands.¬† He just keeps on working on his middle school mustache and making shots when we need him to.

So even though the Kings have as much, if not more, physical talent than the Timberwolves, we still beat them through our patented combination of hard work and luck.¬† And nobody embodied that combination more last night than Kevin Love.¬† He had 23 points and 24 rebounds, 21 of which were defensive rebounds.¬† 21!¬† That’s not just hard work, that’s John Henry.

And as far as the luck part goes.¬† Well, we’ve had more injuries than a Dance Dance Revolution party at a Crisco factory.¬† So if this is the shot that has to be the game-sealer for us, we’ll take it: