Posts Tagged ‘dallas mavericks’


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Okay, so the Timberwolves Nation got a little ahead of ourselves.  We won three in a row, anointed ourselves the new NBA Champions and then in truly Wolves-y fashion got our asses handed to us by a 55 year old German, Steph Curry’s supposed brother and JJ-freaking-Barea.  Getting schooled by Barea is like an ex-girlfriend suddenly dating George Clooney.  It’s confusing and they don’t deserve it.

A lot of Wolves fans are beginning to question whether Zach LaVine is the cause of this pendulum swing.  He got hurt, we won three, then he comes back and we lose badly.  It’s not LaVine.  It’s because we are a very talented, young team that is better at sharing Snapchat pics than the ball.  And as Wolves fans we’ve spent the better part of a decade and a half wildly blaming everything and everyone in the organization short of official Timberwolves DJ, Mad Mardigan, who admittedly I haven’t seen practicing free throws.  Here’s a list of people who’ve been blamed for all of our woes over the years and the criticisms lobbed at them:

Glen Taylor –  (Cheapskate, creepy, only hires friends, looks like an emaciated Kelsey Grammer)

Kevin Garnett’s supporting cast – (They were just KG’s friends signed to huge contracts, Troy Hudson’s rap album was the only thing worse than his game, Latrell Sprewell turned down a $14 million contract because “I need to feed my kids” which means his kids apparently ate diamonds, Sam Cassell hurt himself doing a “Big Balls” dance which is less a criticism than an awesome fact.)

Kevin McHale – (Gifted the Boston Celtics a championship by trading Kevin Garnett for two Bob Cousy basketball cards and Aerosmith’s “Get A Grip” CD, looks like Frankenstein if he left his clothes hanger in his sport coat)

David Kahn – (Everything you can possibly imagine and it’s all true)

Jonny Flynn – (We do not speak of him outloud but at least the “H” in “Johnny” knew what was up and got out)

Kurt Rambis – (A shitty version of Phil Jackson, wouldn’t even wear his dork glasses which is the only reason anybody ever really liked him)

Kevin Love – (Primadonna, two-faced, stat-stuffer, Benedict Arnold, won a championship without us and doesn’t seem sad enough about it)

Ricky Rubio – (Can’t shoot, drafted before Steph Curry, too handsome and huggable, doesn’t break ankles like Kris Dunn even though Kris Dunn hasn’t made one shot after those moves and you’re all 14 years old)

Andrew Wiggins – (Too Canadian/nice, isn’t LeBron James in his third year, analytics nerds who play more NBA 2K than actual basketball think he is the worst player since the chubby kid from “Teen Wolf”)

Thibs – (Hasn’t made us perfect after 41 games, somehow has hair and is bald at the same time, won’t play Brandon Rush for unknown reasons which maybe include Rush hitting on Thibs’ non-existent wife)

Zach LaVine – (Possibly made us lose one game against Dallas)

Relax, Wolves fans.  Someday we are going to be great.  Or we’ll screw it up, lose all our players and do the same thing for another 15 years.   Enjoy!

Next up we play the Spurs in San Antonio.  Maybe this will be one of those games where Popp sits all his players just to piss people off?



The rumor mill is speculating that Kevin Martin and Nikola Pekovic are returning to the Timberwolves line-up tonight.  That’s fantastic!  Unfortunately, I believe nothing anymore.  Killer bees were supposed to be here in 1985 and kill us all.  Seven year old Mike Brody didn’t sleep at all that year.  Players returning from injury?  36 year old Mike Brody will believe it when he sees it.

It would be nice if they did come back, though.  Three of our top four players (four out of five if you count Shabazz Muhammad) are out right now.  It’s called being a Timberwolf.  We are ALWAYS hurt.  I don’t understand what our trainers are doing?  If there is a PED/steroid scandal coming in the NBA then we will get off scott-free.  I don’t think our trainers even give our players band-aids.  We have the only Christian Science medical staff.  Kevin Love’s “knuckle push-up” injury was healed through spooning and watching “Frozen” on repeat.

“Oh, your hands hurt?  LET IT GO…LET IT GOOOOOOOO!”

If Pek comes back, it would be nice to see him standing next to that other Transylvania bastard, Miroslav Raduljica, that we signed last week.  Miroslav!  What a name!  It sounds like the world’s worst condiment.

“Yeah, yeah…dry-ass bagels again.  Put some of that Miroslav on there. No, no…gimme the radish kind.”

Look at how much more scary a full beard makes an Eastern-European:


Miroslav before: “Hi guys, did you watch ‘Glee’ last night?”

"I smile because I've eaten three kneecaps today."

Miroslav after: “I smile because I’ve eaten three kneecaps today.”

So tonight we play the Dallas Mavericks in Minneapolis.  I’m excited to see former Wolf JJ Barea again.  It’s like seeing an old girlfriend at the theater with their new boyfriend.  Except you’re not jealous, you just watch and chuckle as they run around with their new nightmare spilling Hawaii Punch on their Kanye West shirt and stealing the non-electric vacuum.  Enjoy the douchebag, Dallas!

Earlier this week I made my totally well-researched Eastern Conference predictions.  Today it’s time for the “it’s-not-freaking-fair-that-the-Timberwolves-are-in-this-stupid-tough-ass-conference-a-goddamn-glob-of-coconut-oil-could-make-the-Eastern-Conference-playoffs” Western Conference predictions:

1) Oklahoma City Thunder – Half of me thinks I’m an idiot for picking them #1. The other half thinks that there’s no way a team with a healthy and angry Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook combo can’t tear the league up regardless of who else is on the team.  OKC is the USA of the Western Conference. Sure, stats and logic will tell you that they’re #4 or #5 realistically.  But we all know they’re really #1.  USA! USA! USA!

2) San Antonio Spurs – I’m still pissed that they didn’t win the title last year.  These guys manage to somehow be injury-ridden, old and immortal all at the same time.  Somewhere there’s a picture of Dorian Gray with Duncan, Ginobli and Parker scribbled into the corner.  (There wasn’t room for David Robinson.)

3) Golden State Warriors – Everybody gives the Timberwolves shit for drafting Jonny Flynn instead of Steph Curry.  Here’s the thing that people don’t know: Steph Curry is a Satanist.  Yeah, he sacrifices baby goats for Satan. Look, I know this hasn’t gotten a lot of press, but it’s true.  Sure, we could have drafted him and had the most exciting frontcourt in the league with Rubio/Curry, but then we would have had a practicing disciple of hell on our team.  No thanks.

4) Los Angeles Clippers – Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see any of these top four teams in the Finals.  But I picked the Clippers below Golden State for two very important reasons.  1) They’re the Clippers 2) I can’t stand those stupid Chris & Cliff Paul State Farm commercials.  Really?  You guys are “born to assist” and you become a fancy-pants basketball player and a freakin’ car insurance salesman?  Look out Mother Theresa!

5) Houston Rockets – Nobody will ever win a championship with Dwight Howard.

6) Memphis Grizzlies – I want these guys to be higher, but the coach firing worries me.  Their stadium is nicknamed the “Grindhouse” though, and that’s awesome.  It makes me feel like Napalm Death and Anal C#$% are going to come out and vomit all over the opposing team at any moment.  Is that just me?

7) Minnesota Timberwolves – Yeah, I’m a homer.  But I feel like I’m being very fair with #7 here.  Two years in a row we were on course to make the playoffs and then…injuries. This year, Chase Budinger is already hurt.  But that’s a minor thing and he’ll be back shortly.  So if things just stay the course, we can do this.  Please God?  Can we please make the playoffs?  I forgot what it’s like to care about a basketball game after April.  Please stop Satan’s minion, Steph Curry, and help us!

8) Dallas Mavericks – They won the championship in 2011, right?  How can that be?  That feels like a million years ago. They gambled their roster after the championship year to get Deron Williams and/or Dwight Howard and fell short on both.  Instead, they got Monta Ellis.  A guy who makes Brandon Jennings look like John Stockton.  My favorite addition by far is Renaldo Balkman.  How great is it that Renaldo Balkman is on the same team as the Mavs 2nd greatest player of all time, Rolando Blackman?  That’s like the Bulls picking up a player called “Scobbie Pipplen.”


9) New Orleans Pelicans – I love that they’re Pelicans!  Best Mascot ever!  Give them a year or two to stretch their huge, disgusting wings and they’ll be a good team.

10) Denver Nuggets – I don’t even know who’s on this team anymore.  Talk about the definition of imploding.

11) Portland Trailblazers – These guys might end up higher on this list than where I have them, but they traded us Martell Webster when they knew he was hurt.  Screw them.

12) Sacramento Kings – It’s not a good sign when your best player has the mental maturity of 4th grader who’s been grounded from Xbox.

DeMarcus Cousins addressing the press in the preseason.  Photo from

DeMarcus Cousins before a game this preseason. Photo from

13) Los Angeles Lakers – I had a dream last night that the Lakers moved to San Diego.  I’m no Miss Cleo but I think this is a prophecy.  Maybe they aren’t moving down to “America’s Finest City,” but they’re definitely headed south in the wins department.  Ding dong, the witch tore her achilles tendon!

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from

14) Utah Jazz – Trey Burke is going to be the Damien Lillard of this year.  Except he’ll be on one of the worst teams in the league.  And he won’t be able to drink caffeine, smoke cigarrettes or have pre-marital sex with any of his nine girlfriends.

15) Phoenix Suns – Hey, they have twins on their team.  That’s neat.

Predicted NBA champion – Miami Heat.  It pains me to say it, but who’s going to stop them?  At least the Lakers will suck.

The Timberwolves’ season opener is Wednesday, October 30th, at home against Orlando.  Let’s go Wolves!

Rolando Blackman - Forgotten 80s superstar.  Photo from

Rolando Blackman – Forgotten superstar. Photo from

Rolando Blackman was my favorite basketball player when I was a kid.

Well, that’s not true.  Michael Jordan was.  But everybody loved Jordan.  Jordan wasn’t human.  He was Zeus mixed with Willy Wonka splashed with Dr. J and Flubber.

In actuality, Rolando Blackman was my first non-superhuman basketball hero.  And what a forehead!  Little known fact: Germany almost accidentally knocked down Rolando Blackman’s forehead in 1989, mistakenly thinking it was the Berlin Wall.  Luckily, they spotted his tiny, tiny green shorts and stopped before anybody was hurt.

"Close your eyes, QUICK, Kareem!" Photo from

“Close your eyes, QUICK, Kareem!” The shortest shorts of all.  Photo from

Really, I love Rolando Blackman for one reason and one reason only:  He was the first athlete to ever sign a basketball card for me.

When I was 12, in 1991, I became obsessed with the NBA and basketball cards.  I memorized every single player’s stat that was available in the early 90s.  Don’t believe me?  Shawn Kemp averaged 15.0 and 8.5 rebounds per game in the 90-91 season.  Boom.  How’d I know that?  No, not Google.  I had zero friends.  I had a basketball board game that involved dice and a calculator that I played by myself.  You could ride a chuckwagon to Oregon faster than you could finish a game.  Another thing about Shawn Kemp: He fathered more illegitimate children than Bob Marley and Dominique Wilkins combined. And ‘Nique allegedly paid money on 20 paternity suits.  “Human Highlight Reel” indeed!

I used to mail out self-addressed stamped envelopes and basketball cards to all the NBA teams (or index cards when my allowance/can recycling fund was depleted) and waited months, years, decades for them to send something back.  It was probably only a few weeks, but you know how time moves when you’re a kid.  Rolando Blackman was the first one to send a card back.  Almost suspiciously fast.  I actually checked a couple times to make sure he wasn’t squatting in my garage.  He beat the second fastest by a good three months.  And screw you, Kevin Johnson.  You think I can’t spot a stamped signature when I see one?  I hope your assistant got carpal tunnel from doing all your dirty-work and sued your autograph-avoiding ass.  I bet you’re a lousy mayor!

So yeah, the Timberwolves got stomped by the Dallas Mavericks on Monday.  But Rolando Blackman was a Maverick.  Twelve year old Mike Brody is giving you a pass.  Thanks Rolando.


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Minnesota Timberwolves big man Nikola Pekovic had a career high 31 points last night against the New Orleans Hornets.  I caught up with the 6’11”, 290 lb Montenegro Mountain after the game and chatted with him about basketball, life and what it’s like being Non from Superman 2.

MB: So, Nikola…how does it feel to come in on a night where Kevin Love clearly struggled once again and have a career night?

NP: It….very….good.  Me…strong.

MB: Um…okay.  How do you feel about the Timberwolves chances for the playoffs?  You guys are currently in the 6th seed right now, but there’s still 3/4 of the season left to go.

NP:  Chance…feel…nice.  Ha!  I’m only kidding, of course.  Why does no one think I’m capable of stringing together multi-syllable words into a meaningful sentence? Not to sound supercilious, but I do have a degree in Bio-engineering, from the University of Montenegro.  Anyway, personally I do believe we are performing quite well this season.  We have truly over-achieved through bleak circumstances and once all our pieces fall back into place, we have a really stupendous chance to make a push in the playoffs.

MB: Oh, phew.  You really had me for a second there.  Anyway, you have a really gnarly tattoo of some kind of warrior on your arm.  What’s that all about?

NP:  Naturally, the cape represents the cloak of illusion that blankets us all from birth.  The shield is the ego, which we all use to cover ourselves from the real truth of existence.  The broadsword is the weapon we use to cut through the five disturbing human emotions as Buddha tells us in the Dharma.

MB:  Right.  That’s what I was thinking too.

NP:  Also, I just really like skulls.

Photo by Rocky Widner/NBAE via Getty Images

MB:  Wow, there really is more to you then I ever imagined.  I gotta be honest, I just thought you were a big, awesome brute.  But you’re really wise and sensitive.

NP:  Thank you.  Really, thank you.  You’ve no idea the relief that brings my heart.  Some nights I’ll stay up late reading Dostoevsky and listening to Gotye and wonder why nobody sees the true me.

MB:  Well, hopefully this interview will help shed some light on the real Nikola Pekovic.  But back to basketball.  Tonight you guys play the Dallas Mavericks.  How do you prepare yourself for a game like this?

NP:  The first thing I do is I imagine every single player on the opposing team dying a horrible, vicious death at my hands.  Sometimes I strangle them despondently with ice-cold gloves.  Sometimes I slowly dip them into a vat of acid and laugh as their eyes melt into gelatinous pools and their hair singes into nothingness.  Other times I make their hearts stop beating out of sheer fear of being next to me, while the angels above cry out of helplessness.  Then I imagine that I reanimate their pitiful bodies with my superior mind, not because I feel sympathy for their weak, desperate souls, but only so I can annihilate them again…on the basketball court.

MB: HA!  God, you’re so funny, Nikola!

NP:  *Stares unsmilingly*

MB:  Well….okay then.

NP:  *Does not respond or break eye contact*

MB:  Alright, I think that’s about enough for questions.  Good luck tonight Pek.


MB:  Okay, great.  Bye!  *runs out the door*

Tonight the Minnesota Timberwolves play the Dallas Mavericks at home.  Tune in to see Nikola Pekovic crush some dandy men.  Also, the return of RICKY RUBIO!