Posts Tagged ‘david kahn’

basketball-eggs-2290821

Photo from thumbs.dreamstime.com

Okay, so the Timberwolves Nation got a little ahead of ourselves.  We won three in a row, anointed ourselves the new NBA Champions and then in truly Wolves-y fashion got our asses handed to us by a 55 year old German, Steph Curry’s supposed brother and JJ-freaking-Barea.  Getting schooled by Barea is like an ex-girlfriend suddenly dating George Clooney.  It’s confusing and they don’t deserve it.

A lot of Wolves fans are beginning to question whether Zach LaVine is the cause of this pendulum swing.  He got hurt, we won three, then he comes back and we lose badly.  It’s not LaVine.  It’s because we are a very talented, young team that is better at sharing Snapchat pics than the ball.  And as Wolves fans we’ve spent the better part of a decade and a half wildly blaming everything and everyone in the organization short of official Timberwolves DJ, Mad Mardigan, who admittedly I haven’t seen practicing free throws.  Here’s a list of people who’ve been blamed for all of our woes over the years and the criticisms lobbed at them:

Glen Taylor –  (Cheapskate, creepy, only hires friends, looks like an emaciated Kelsey Grammer)

Kevin Garnett’s supporting cast – (They were just KG’s friends signed to huge contracts, Troy Hudson’s rap album was the only thing worse than his game, Latrell Sprewell turned down a $14 million contract because “I need to feed my kids” which means his kids apparently ate diamonds, Sam Cassell hurt himself doing a “Big Balls” dance which is less a criticism than an awesome fact.)

Kevin McHale – (Gifted the Boston Celtics a championship by trading Kevin Garnett for two Bob Cousy basketball cards and Aerosmith’s “Get A Grip” CD, looks like Frankenstein if he left his clothes hanger in his sport coat)

David Kahn – (Everything you can possibly imagine and it’s all true)

Jonny Flynn – (We do not speak of him outloud but at least the “H” in “Johnny” knew what was up and got out)

Kurt Rambis – (A shitty version of Phil Jackson, wouldn’t even wear his dork glasses which is the only reason anybody ever really liked him)

Kevin Love – (Primadonna, two-faced, stat-stuffer, Benedict Arnold, won a championship without us and doesn’t seem sad enough about it)

Ricky Rubio – (Can’t shoot, drafted before Steph Curry, too handsome and huggable, doesn’t break ankles like Kris Dunn even though Kris Dunn hasn’t made one shot after those moves and you’re all 14 years old)

Andrew Wiggins – (Too Canadian/nice, isn’t LeBron James in his third year, analytics nerds who play more NBA 2K than actual basketball think he is the worst player since the chubby kid from “Teen Wolf”)

Thibs – (Hasn’t made us perfect after 41 games, somehow has hair and is bald at the same time, won’t play Brandon Rush for unknown reasons which maybe include Rush hitting on Thibs’ non-existent wife)

Zach LaVine – (Possibly made us lose one game against Dallas)

Relax, Wolves fans.  Someday we are going to be great.  Or we’ll screw it up, lose all our players and do the same thing for another 15 years.   Enjoy!

Next up we play the Spurs in San Antonio.  Maybe this will be one of those games where Popp sits all his players just to piss people off?

GO WOLVES!!!

 

There a few NBA franchises that I consider kindred spirits.  I don’t root for these teams, but I feel their pain completely because their mismanagement, hopelessness and dumbassery feel oh so familiar to me.    It’s the exact opposite of the Lakers optimism/hubris that says “Of course we’ll be contenders next year.”  It’s the Milwaukee Bucks’ “Did you know we have a team?” vibe.  The Bobcats/Pistons “Oh shit, an NBA legend is running us into the ground and nobody can get rid of him” vibe.  The Clippers’ “Just give it four or five years and we’ll be the old Clippers again and nobody will care except Billy Crystal” vibe.  It’s the New York Knicks in general.

I’m talking about Donald Sterling, Joe Dumars, Michael Jordan, Jerry Dolan and whoever the hell is running the Milwaukee Bucks/future Supersonics right now.  (It’s rumored that David Kahn wants to buy the Bucks.  Don’t let it happen, Milwaukee!  Protest!  Riot!  Put up a camouflage shield so he can’t find your town.  He’s dumb, it’ll work!  Being last place in the league is preferable to being last place for the foreseeable future with him.)

Donald Sterling: Clippers' owner and hungry, hungry hippo. Photo from jsportsblogger.files.wordpress.com

Donald Sterling: Horrendous Clippers’ owner and hungry, hungry hippo. Photo from jsportsblogger.files.wordpress.com

As a Timberwolves fan who’s had to live through David Kahn, Flip Saunders and any other bumbling brain-dead Dodo bird with a clipboard that Glen Taylor hires, I understand.  It’s not our fault!  We’re just the fans, with no say in the decisions, but we suffer just the same.  Minnesota didn’t deserve a guy who drafted three point guards in the first round and still missed the good one.  Detroit didn’t deserve Josh Smith, the abandoned skyscraper of basketball players.  Get this: The Knicks acquired Andrea Bargnani on purpose!  I worked at Jimmy John’s in my 30s and even I’m put together enough to know that’s a bad idea.

So what to do?  We can sit here and let these numbskulls ruin the vicarious joy that we feel from other people accomplishing things, or we can put a stop to it.  You know how they elect sheriffs even though nobody seems to know why?  We need to do that with our owners and front office.  It’s election time, bitches.  Better start earning your jobs!

“What’s that, Mr. Kahn?  You’re thinking about signing Darko Milicic to a four-year 20 million dollar deal?  I don’t think that’s a good idea.  Midterm elections are coming up and Fancy Ray McCloney is rising in the polls.  He’s promised to sign Prince and make the players’ jerseys out of crushed velvet.”

"The Best Looking Man In Comedy!"

Fancy Ray McCloney – “The Best Looking Man In Comedy!”

Tonight we play our brothers in ineptitude, The New York Knicks.  Actually, I don’t want to admit it, but we’re 6-1 in the last seven games and five of our next six games are at home against losing teams.  The one away game is against the Boobcats.  I am not going to get optimistic, because every time I do, we lose.  So I’ll just leave you with something Fancy:

Kevin Love Game Winner

Kevin Love’s last minute buzzer beater against the Clips. (Ignore non-current Wolf Wayne Ellington in this picture.) Photo from jocksandstilettojill.com 

“Hey Mike Brody, that buzzer beater is from almost two years ago. Last night Kevin Love actually missed a point blank game-tying bunny at the buzzer. And we lost to the Clippers.”

See, that might seem true to you right now, but what you don’t realize is that I have a Minnesota Timberwolves time machine.  I actually went back in time and physically replaced November 2013 Clippers game Kevin Love with January 2012 Clippers game-winning shot Kevin Love and replaced them for the last ten seconds.  2012 Love made the shot and we won.  Then I swapped them back because 2012 Love wanted doughnuts.

While I was at it, I decided to go back further in the space/time vortex and create my own superteam, a la Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  It was a little awkward leaving Christian Laettner sitting there at the IDS Center Jamba Juice in 1994, but he made the Dream Team so screw that fratboy.

The All-Time Timberwolves team:

Starting PG: Ricky Rubio – “Change This Face…Be happy…Enjoy!” gets you on the all-time team.

Starting SG: Kevin Martin – Kevin is a brand new Wolf, but our second best shooting guard ever was Clyde Drexler, so it was an easy one.

Starting SF: Latrell Sprewell – Latrell helped take us to the 2004 WCF even though he couldn’t afford to feed his kids.  How selfless!

Starting PF: Kevin Love – I also went into the future and just so you know, Kevin Love will retire a Timberwolf.  In fact, he’ll be buried at 95 years old clutching his “I love Minnesota!” plateware set.

Starting C: Kevin Garnett – I know he was really a tall PF for us, but he played C for the Celtics too and can you just imagine the combo of Love and KG together?  It’d be like pizza made out of money that is also your chauffeur.

Bench:

Jonny Fynn – Just kidding.

Nikola Pekovic – He’s my all-time favorite Wolf, so I feel guilty about benching him.  But KG, dude.

Sam Cassell – Alien-headed clutch machine.

Sam Mitchell – The blue-collar work horse!  The very spirit of the Timberwolves!

Wally Gugliotta – I combined Wally Szczerbiak and Tom Gugliotta to conserve space. Meet the whitest player ever.

Tony Campbell – The OG.

JR Rider – The actual OG, even though the “Jailwolves” never really had a good ring to it.

Al Jefferson – Eh, why not?

In suits:

Joe Smith – So he can pay us back all the money he owes us.

Pooh Richardson – His name is Pooh.

Troy Hudson –  Just so he doesn’t have time to pursue his rap career.

Ballboy – Stephon Marbury

Ballboy’s assistant – David Kahn

Next up, we get revenge on the Cleveland Comic Sans.  Go Wolves!

Shabazz Mohammad. Photo from twincities.com

The Timberwolves’ #14 pick: Shabazz Muhammad. Photo from twincities.com

We suck at drafting.  Like super suck.  I was trying to think of an analogy like “We are the _____ of drafting” and then I realized it’s already right in front of me.  We are the Minnesota Timberwolves of drafting.  David Kahn, Flip Saunders, it doesn’t matter.  We treat each draft like it’s a meat raffle and yet we come home with Twinkies.

Positives first: We drafted guys with fantastically comic booky names Shabazz and Gorgui.  Too bad Magneto and Doctor Octopus were already taken.  In addition, Shabazz can be used as a verb like “Smurf”, as in “He goes up!  And yes!  With the SHABAZZ!” and  “You really shouldn’t Shabazz in public.”  Also, neither draft pick is white, which lowers our Cape Cod percentage to 85% bleached.  Phew!

Negatives: We could have had Trey Burke, arguably the best point guard in the draft.  Granted, we have 45 point guards, but in a weak draft like this you take what you can get.  Instead, we basically swapped for Michael Beasley with less talent.  Shabazz has allegedly lied about his age, sulked when a teammate scored a game-winning basketball instead of him and de-pantsed elderly people in public on their birthdays.  That last one might not be true, but that’s how poorly he’s being portrayed.

It really comes as no surprise if you pay attention to our history.  We’ve flubbed way more than we’ve hit.  Here are our top lottery pick selections since our very first year.  Try not to be blown away by the star-power:

1989 – Pooh Richardson #10 (Pooh!)

1990 – Felton Spencer #5 (Swing and a miss.)

1991 – Luc Longley #7 (An avocado tree could have played center for the Bulls and won those titles.)

1992 – Christian Laettner #3 (No comment necessary.)

1993 – Isaiah “J.R.” Rider #5 (Our first go-around with a mega-talented pile of shit.)

1994 – Donyell Marshall #4 (Who?)

1995 – Kevin Garnett #5 (YAY!! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer!  Good job, Wolves!)

1996 – Ray Allen #5 (YAY! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer!  Oh, wait.  Traded to Milwaukee.  For Stephon Marbury.  Feeling…sad…)

1999 – Wally Szczerbiak #6 (Pick traded From New Jersey.  Wayzata embodied in human form. If only his game stood up as much as his intensely gelled hair.)

2006 – Brandon Roy #6 (Traded to Portland.  Booo!  No, yay!  No, wait…I’m not sure.)

2007 – Corey Brewer #7 (Clank.)

2008 – O.J. Mayo #3 (Traded to Memphis for Kevin Love.  YAY!  Good job, Kevin McHale!  Maybe you aren’t so bad, after all.  Hey, where are you?)

2009 – Ricky Rubio #5 (Real-life anime teddy bear and hopefully the face of our franchise for years to come.  Either way, I could really use a Ricky Rubio “Change this face!” pick-me-up right now.)

2009 – Jonny Flynn #6 (Sucks so bad that his name tried to spell “no” several times.)

2010 – Wesley Johnson #4 (To this day, I’m partially convinced that Wesley Johnson was just a tall usher in the audience who got mistaken for an NBA player and drafted.)

2011 – Derrick Williams #2 (T.B.D. Best case scenario: We trade him for something.  Worst case scenario: Kevin Love breaks his knuckles on his face.  KABLAM!  CHA-POW!  SHABAZZ!)

2013 – Drafted Trey Burke #9, then traded him for the picks that became Shabazz Muhammad, Gorgui Dieng and Sassafras Tinklytoots.

2014- Grumpy Cat #1 and David Kahn #9?  Why not?

Grumpy Mike - Frighteningly, I swear to God this picture was taken before I'd even heard of Grumpy Cat.  Photo by Ryan Wisniewski

Grumpy Mike – Frighteningly, I swear to God this picture was taken before I’d even heard of Grumpy Cat. Photo by Ryan Wisniewski

Let’s face it, Wolves fans (those of you still out there) – It doesn’t matter who our GM or President or head coach is.  Glen Taylor is the owner and will be for a long, long time.  As long as he holds the reigns:  We.  Are.  Screwed.  Who’s really to blame?  The idiots and their idiot decisions?  Or the King Idiot who keeps hiring all the idiots?  Or the idiot like me who keeps watching?

Shabummer.

Foreshadowing by Flea? Photo from dimemag.com

Flea foreshadowing Shabazz’s 2015 panda smuggling prison stint. Photo from dimemag.com

David Kahn Fired

Photo from blogimages.thescore.com

David Kahn is gone!

This must be how old people felt when the Polio vaccine came out.  Or when a killer whale feels when it eats it’s trainer.  Freedom!

I can’t believe he’s finally out of here.  Who’s going to sign a 41-year-old Shawn Bradley next year or draft a toaster?  Who’s going to chase our only superstar away?  Who’s going to slowly apply lotion to his hands while watching reruns of Silver Spoons.  That last one was speculation.

They didn’t even fire him, they just didn’t renew his contract.  That’s some straight-up middle-school “I’m not even going to call her because it’s easier to just stand her up at the food court” style break-up.  Okay, I only had one girlfriend in middle school and she dumped me, but I know how it feels and David Kahn is going to be crying in his Hypercolor t-shirt tonight.

But now that he’s gone, he’s got to do something with his life, right?  What’s next in the career of a failed lawyer, sports writer and NBA executive?  Here’s a few suggestions:

President of the Animal Planet Puppy Bowl: “Um, David, you can’t play turtles in the puppy bowl.  They’re not even cute.”

Darko Milicic entourage member:  “Hey Darko, can I borrow some manna from heaven?  I haven’t eaten today. Do we have to live in Serbia?”

Renaissance Festival dork:  He should actually do this.  Ren Festers are as confused about history as Kahn is about basketball.  He’d fit right in.  Are Ren Festers the David Kahn of life or is David Kahn the Ren Fest of basketball?

Wu-Tang Clan tribute band manager:  Only hires white rappers.  Trades white RZA and GZA for Vanilla Ice.  Signs the dude who did Barney Rubble’s rap for Flinstone’s cereal.  Pays White Method Man the least amount of money.

New GM/President for the Los Angeles Lakers:  Signs a 30-year contact with a no-fire clause.  I can dream, can’t I?

Rumor has it that Flip Saunders could be the next GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves, replacing David Kahn this summer.

“Oh no,” many Timberwolves fans might gasp.  “Flip Saunders is an ineffective idiot with a dumb name and a stupid face!”

What?  Are you paying attention?  Forget the line about Flip Saunders.  Focus on the “replacing David Kahn” part.  Ding-dong, the worst GM in the history of the NBA is almost dead.  It’s pathetic that as Timberwolves fans we’ve been relegated to “lesser of the evils” scenarios, but anybody is better than David Kahn as GM.  Anybody.  Kwame Brown, Michael Jackson’s doctor, James Worthy’s prostitute, James Worthy’s prostitute’s doctor.  Anybody!

David Kahn called this man "Manna From Heaven."  Photo from thethirdcity.org

David Kahn called this man “Manna From Heaven.” Photo from thethirdcity.org

Flip wasn’t the best coach in the world.  But he was there for the golden Kevin Garnett years.  Maybe this is what it’s come to?  The Timberwolves are an old maid who passed on too many suitors as a young lass.  And now we’re middle-aged and flabby, calling old flames trying to rekindle past romances.

“Hey baby, remember when we went to the Western Conference Finals?  And then lost.  And then illegally signed Joe Smith and lost our draft picks for five years when we got caught?  That wasn’t so bad, was it?  I’m at the Super 8 by the off-track betting if you’re interested.  Bring some pull-tabs!”

All I care about at this point is that we get rid of David Kahn and we keep the team in Minnesota.  I can deal with everything else.  I can deal with 25 win seasons being our best in years.  I can live with Kevin Love leaving.  I’m okay with only arctic Inuits signing with us because everybody’s afraid of our winters.  The only thing I can’t stomach is the Seattle Timberwolves. 

We just lost to the Miami Heat, who have now won 15 in a row.  That’s neat.  Next up we play the Washington Wizards on Wednesday at home.  Only 25 games to go!

Make it stop.

Well, the NBA trade deadline came and went and the Timberwolves sat on their damn dumb hands and did nothing.  Come on! I need something more entertaining!  This season totally blows.  I need David Kahn to do something insane to keep it interesting, like get Paul Millsap in exchange for the entire Target Center.

“But David, where are we going to play?”

“Two words: Ice Palace.  We will dominate the league unless somebody brings a bag of salt.”

I guess we need to keep Derrick Wiliams, because Kevin Love is out for most of the season.  Brandon Roy would have been nice to get off the books since he’s really just taking up $5 million or so in contract.  JJ would have been bad or good to see go, depending on which one we’re talking about.  If it’s the one that destroyed the Oklahoma City Thunder earlier this year, then boo sad-face.  If it’s the one that runs around in circles and thinks he’s a 7-footer, then adios Jose!  Luke is the only guy who’s been there consistently for us all season without injuries.  He’s like an old couch that’s full of rips, smells like your grandma and may have an old french dip somewhere in the cushion but you’ve had it for so long that you can’t stand to take it to Goodwill.  Man, I hope nobody ever says that about me.

What concerns me is that by not making a trade, we didn’t clear up any salary space to sign Nikola Pekovic for what he’s worth this summer.  He’s expressed interest in staying, but there’s now a semi-decent chance he could sign as a free agent with the Portland Trailblazers.

Pekovic, don’t go!  Where else are you going to find a freezing cold place that feels just like your homeland of Montenegro?

Okay, so I just google imaged Montenegro and it looks nothing like Minnesota.  But all the swords and skulls makes more sense now.  Photo from nationalgeographic.com

Okay, so I just google imaged Montenegro and it looks nothing like Minnesota. But all of Pek’s sword and skull tattoos make more sense now.  Hazzah!  Photo from nationalgeographic.com

Sigh.  So this is it.  This is the team we’re going to have for the rest of the year.  Gimps, rejects and hobos.  If only we were in the East!  We beat Philly last night and they freaking suck.  So do we, but they’re in the East so they are still in the playoff race.  If we were in the East we would be 48-3 right now.  The East consists of the Miami Heat, New York Knicks and 13 other teams full of off-season soccer players, retired mechanics and last year’s losers from Project Runway.  The Charlotte Bobcats are actually just 12 holograms of 2-Pac that nobody’s noticed yet.

Next up, the Timberwolves play the Thunder in Oklahoma on Friday.  That’s great!  The third best record in the league against a team that’s excited just to not have an injury in the last week.  They should let us have Russell Westbrook for the night just to make it interesting.  Or make Kevin Durant play with his shoelaces tied together.

We’re going to get annihilated.