Posts Tagged ‘demarcus cousins’

kat

You made his cat sad. Photo from nbacatwatch.com

There’s been some vicious snubs in the world lately.  Donald Trump’s replacement pick for National Security Advisor turned him down because he doesn’t know anybody from Russia.  People flipped out that Adele beat Beyonce because everybody forgot that the Grammys are a steaming pile of manatee poop and mean about as much as a Hug Award from your mom.  My body said no to me just now when I tried to go for a jog because I run like a duck and gummy bears are not a good warm-up snack.

But no snub is more vicious than Karl-Anthony Towns being left off the 2017 NBA All-Star team.  What does a bitch have to do?!  He’s averaging 23.7 ppg, 11.8 rpg, 2.9 asp, 1.4 bpg and has the third best smile in the league after fellow Timberwolf Andrew Wiggins and former Timberwolf Corey Brewer.  (Most underrated smile is Tom Thibodeau’s, which comes out as often as Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog, but looks like a drunken badger that just discovered Scientology.)

Who are all these chumps that got the nod over Towns?  Allow me to go through the list and break down why they don’t deserve it.  I’m only going to go through the Western Conference because 1) Towns plays in the West and 2) Literally anybody who can dribble in a straight line and doesn’t have 4 DUIs gets into the All-Star Game in the East.  Kurt Rambis is playing in the East.  Fuck the East.

Stephen Curry – If Stephen Curry is so hot then why was he drafted after Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn, huh?  Overrated!  You’ll always just be Dell Curry’s son to me!

James Harden – Has anybody bothered to ask why James Harden’s beard is so big?  I’ll tell you: PEDs.  He hides PEDs in his beard during games and when he does that little “mix it up” pantomine after scoring points he’s literally mixing up his meds.  Illegal!

Kevin Durant – I don’t know if I can even talk about Kevin Durant in the West because if the East wins he’ll just go over there next year.

Kawhi Leonard – Kawhi Leonard is not a real person.  He’s an emotionless robot created by Gregg Popovich using spare salsa he found in Texas for organic matter and the extra “Gs” in Gregg’s stupid first name.  SHOULD NOT PLAY.

Anthony Davis – Anthony Davis looks like the kind of guy who’d have really wet palms.  Just a creepy dude standing in the corner with his (literally) trademarked unibrow getting everything slimy with his disgusting swamp hands.  It makes the balls greasy and unusable.

Russell Westbrook – This man is a danger to everything and everyone around him.  If you thought Anthony Davis was creepy, wait until you see Westbrook’s “Silence Of The Lambs” dungeon where he keeps and tortures all the people who looked at him sideways or cut him off in traffic or stole his Urkel glasses.  Unsafe!

Klay Thompson – I hate Klay Thompson’s stupid face so much.  It looks like the thing they lay terrorists on when they waterboard them.  He looks like Screech if his dad were rich.  So what, you can shoot threes.  I saw Manute Bol hit six threes once.  You ain’t special!

Gordon Hayward – Who?

DeMarcus Cousins – I actually think DeMarcus Cousins might physically track me down and hurt me if I write something here so I’m leaving it blank.

DeAndre Jordan – Really?  We’re letting insurance salesmen in now?

Marc Gasol – Token European.

Draymond Green – Draymond Green is 100% an All-Star of kicking people in the balls.  He’s that punk from Duke if he were somehow less likeable than Duke.

None of you are better than Karl-Anthony Towns!  KAT is Michael Jordan mixed with Hakeem Olajuwon mixed with Megan Fox and BBQ chicken with extra BBQ.  I have issues!

Next up the Wolves play Dallas in Minneapolis on the Friday after the All-Star break.  KAT WILL PLAY THE MAVS 1-ON-12 AND WIN!!!

GO WOLVES!

sweet-care-bear

Dear Ricky Rubio,

In my last blog I said that it was time to trade you.  I didn’t mean it.  I mean, I meant it for like three days.  But three days in six years isn’t that big of a deal.  One time in college I lost my mind and thought I liked The Counting Crows for a week.  Mistakes were made.  Sometimes I get depressed and forget what’s real and if white people with dreads is a good idea.

I’m firmly back on the Ricky Rubio Is Embodiment Of The Minnesota Timberwolves Train.  That’s a compliment, if you’re wondering.  You’re not perfect.  But who is?  The greatest team in the history of the NBA was the Chicago Bulls and they did it with Luc Longley and Bill Cartwright, a Judge Reinhold lookalike and a man who I believe was physically incapable of bending his elbows, respectively.

You’ve been playing like the Ricky of old the last half dozen games, and we’re starting to show signs of life.  Somehow, we are only three games behind the #8 spot in the playoff race.  I don’t know how that is even possible.  It feels about as deserving as Hayden Christensen getting for an Oscar for his “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere” scene as Anakin Skywalker. But I’ll take it!

I don’t care that you can’t shoot.  I can’t cook or fix things around the house or perform basic adult functions but my wife lets me stay married to her.  What kind of hypocrite would I be for blaming you for doing just one thing badly?  Hell, you still TRY and shoot at least.  I have not attempted to clear the gutters due to my deathly fear of ladders and the squishy hill by the garage that certainly has a hidden ninja dog poop that I’d fall onto.

So brick away, Ricky.  You have my blessing.  Throw up shots that risk hitting the nosebleed section more than the rim.  You’re amazing at assists, steals and looking like a Hatchimal.  I love you.  Minnesota loves you.

Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Love,

Mike Brody

Next up we play the Kings at home on Friday.  Let’s try and limit DeMarcus Cousins to only 54 points and four ejections.

 

Hello Minnesota,

This is Derrick Williams.  You may remember me as the Timberwolves’ #2 pick in the 2011 draft, as well as being a generally confused and out of breath bench player.

A lot of people had high expectations for me because I was drafted so high, but I don’t think the circumstances were fair.  Everybody knows the only two franchise players in that draft were Kyrie Irving and Chukwudiebere Maduabum.  It’s not my fault!  In a normal draft I would have been picked 27th by the Iowa Energy.

Minnesota, I can’t lie to you.  I miss you.  It’s really not been working out like I’d hoped in Sacramento.  Jimmer farts a lot and DeMarcus Cousins punches me in the stomach every night so the bruises won’t show.  Rudy Gay keeps making me buy him lunch and paying me back with Canadian Loonies.  All of my paychecks have bounced.  I’ve had to find temporary employment at Keep It Clean Carpet Tile & Upholstery on Sunrise and Ascot.  Cleaning carpets is even more impossible than shooting a wide open layup without first double-pumping and then missing because of it!

Derrick Williams 2nd birthday party.  Photo from a.espncdn.com

Derrick Williams 2nd birthday party. Photo from a.espncdn.com

Take me back, Minnesota.  I have carpet cleaning experience and can get Alexey Shved’s sad, Russian tears off of a rug faster than the Wolves bench can put the team down by ten.  I’ll be Crunch.  Whatever you need!

I’m on a train home to Minneapolis right now.  You don’t have to take me back, but if you feel like it I’ll be Hubert’s Bar & Grill signing autographs.  But mostly serving drinks.  See you soon!

Sincerely,

Derrick Williams

Thank God for Sacramento!

There’s a sentence nobody’s ever said beforeIt ranks on the unused list right between “Why are you touching me, Kate Upton?” and “I volunteer for experimental vasectomy surgery.”

Two out of our six wins were against Sacramento.  The importance of that can’t be overstated in a year that we’ve lost to both Charlotte and Toronto.  Gah.  Really?  The Bobcats and the Raptors?  The Bobcats’ best players are Kemba Walker and a sandwich and I’m pretty sure every Raptors’ home game happened because the crowd wandered in on accident.   I cannot accept getting beaten by a team that named themselves after Jurassic Park.

It’s not like the Kings don’t have talent.  I fear the day that DeMarcus Cousins gets his head straightened out.  That guy is one of the most gifted basketball players to come into the league in years.  But he’s got some serious anger issues, especially for a third-year player who’s supposed to be paying his dues.  He’s been kicked out of practice for refusing to listen to the coach, removed from an airplane because of an altercation with a teammate and suspended two games for confronting Spurs’ announcer Sean Elliot after a game because he mentioned on-air that Cousins needs to learn a bit of humility.  Way to prove him wrong there, Gandhi.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a dick too.  But I don’t make 4 million dollars a year.  Drink some chamomile or something, buddy.  Put on some freak-sized yoga pants and get in touch with your inner sweetheart.  It’s not like someone ate your lasagna in the break-room at Walgreens.  You’re a famous, physically dominate millionaire.  Calm the crap down and don’t screw things up.  Then, when you’re done with the NBA and made your money, you can go asshole it up all over the world!   Go punch every Australian you meet.  Piss on the Eiffel Tower because it doesn’t understand you.  Tell a dolphin you don’t love it.  Whatever!

Take our own Luke Ridnour:

Dude’s one bag of meth from being an extra on Breaking Bad.  I guarantee he’s had a street name like “Booby” before.  But he keeps his mouth shut.  Last night he had 18 points and five assists.  He knows he’s not Chris Paul, so he works his ass off just to stay around.  He’s not making trade demands.  He just keeps on working on his middle school mustache and making shots when we need him to.

So even though the Kings have as much, if not more, physical talent than the Timberwolves, we still beat them through our patented combination of hard work and luck.  And nobody embodied that combination more last night than Kevin Love.  He had 23 points and 24 rebounds, 21 of which were defensive rebounds.  21!  That’s not just hard work, that’s John Henry.

And as far as the luck part goes.  Well, we’ve had more injuries than a Dance Dance Revolution party at a Crisco factory.  So if this is the shot that has to be the game-sealer for us, we’ll take it: