Posts Tagged ‘denver nuggets’

Earlier this week I made my totally well-researched Eastern Conference predictions.  Today it’s time for the “it’s-not-freaking-fair-that-the-Timberwolves-are-in-this-stupid-tough-ass-conference-a-goddamn-glob-of-coconut-oil-could-make-the-Eastern-Conference-playoffs” Western Conference predictions:

1) Oklahoma City Thunder – Half of me thinks I’m an idiot for picking them #1. The other half thinks that there’s no way a team with a healthy and angry Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook combo can’t tear the league up regardless of who else is on the team.  OKC is the USA of the Western Conference. Sure, stats and logic will tell you that they’re #4 or #5 realistically.  But we all know they’re really #1.  USA! USA! USA!

2) San Antonio Spurs – I’m still pissed that they didn’t win the title last year.  These guys manage to somehow be injury-ridden, old and immortal all at the same time.  Somewhere there’s a picture of Dorian Gray with Duncan, Ginobli and Parker scribbled into the corner.  (There wasn’t room for David Robinson.)

3) Golden State Warriors – Everybody gives the Timberwolves shit for drafting Jonny Flynn instead of Steph Curry.  Here’s the thing that people don’t know: Steph Curry is a Satanist.  Yeah, he sacrifices baby goats for Satan. Look, I know this hasn’t gotten a lot of press, but it’s true.  Sure, we could have drafted him and had the most exciting frontcourt in the league with Rubio/Curry, but then we would have had a practicing disciple of hell on our team.  No thanks.

4) Los Angeles Clippers – Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see any of these top four teams in the Finals.  But I picked the Clippers below Golden State for two very important reasons.  1) They’re the Clippers 2) I can’t stand those stupid Chris & Cliff Paul State Farm commercials.  Really?  You guys are “born to assist” and you become a fancy-pants basketball player and a freakin’ car insurance salesman?  Look out Mother Theresa!

5) Houston Rockets – Nobody will ever win a championship with Dwight Howard.

6) Memphis Grizzlies – I want these guys to be higher, but the coach firing worries me.  Their stadium is nicknamed the “Grindhouse” though, and that’s awesome.  It makes me feel like Napalm Death and Anal C#$% are going to come out and vomit all over the opposing team at any moment.  Is that just me?

7) Minnesota Timberwolves – Yeah, I’m a homer.  But I feel like I’m being very fair with #7 here.  Two years in a row we were on course to make the playoffs and then…injuries. This year, Chase Budinger is already hurt.  But that’s a minor thing and he’ll be back shortly.  So if things just stay the course, we can do this.  Please God?  Can we please make the playoffs?  I forgot what it’s like to care about a basketball game after April.  Please stop Satan’s minion, Steph Curry, and help us!

8) Dallas Mavericks – They won the championship in 2011, right?  How can that be?  That feels like a million years ago. They gambled their roster after the championship year to get Deron Williams and/or Dwight Howard and fell short on both.  Instead, they got Monta Ellis.  A guy who makes Brandon Jennings look like John Stockton.  My favorite addition by far is Renaldo Balkman.  How great is it that Renaldo Balkman is on the same team as the Mavs 2nd greatest player of all time, Rolando Blackman?  That’s like the Bulls picking up a player called “Scobbie Pipplen.”

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9) New Orleans Pelicans – I love that they’re Pelicans!  Best Mascot ever!  Give them a year or two to stretch their huge, disgusting wings and they’ll be a good team.

10) Denver Nuggets – I don’t even know who’s on this team anymore.  Talk about the definition of imploding.

11) Portland Trailblazers – These guys might end up higher on this list than where I have them, but they traded us Martell Webster when they knew he was hurt.  Screw them.

12) Sacramento Kings – It’s not a good sign when your best player has the mental maturity of 4th grader who’s been grounded from Xbox.

DeMarcus Cousins addressing the press in the preseason.  Photo from bp.blogspot.com

DeMarcus Cousins before a game this preseason. Photo from bp.blogspot.com

13) Los Angeles Lakers – I had a dream last night that the Lakers moved to San Diego.  I’m no Miss Cleo but I think this is a prophecy.  Maybe they aren’t moving down to “America’s Finest City,” but they’re definitely headed south in the wins department.  Ding dong, the witch tore her achilles tendon!

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

14) Utah Jazz – Trey Burke is going to be the Damien Lillard of this year.  Except he’ll be on one of the worst teams in the league.  And he won’t be able to drink caffeine, smoke cigarrettes or have pre-marital sex with any of his nine girlfriends.

15) Phoenix Suns – Hey, they have twins on their team.  That’s neat.

Predicted NBA champion – Miami Heat.  It pains me to say it, but who’s going to stop them?  At least the Lakers will suck.

The Timberwolves’ season opener is Wednesday, October 30th, at home against Orlando.  Let’s go Wolves!

JJ Barea reminds me of my miniature dachshund:

Fearless.  Stubbornly persistent.  Able to get into tiny crevices whether you like it or not.  Humps things that he shouldn’t.

JJ Barea's Menudo audition photo.  From vidatraducida.wordpress.com

JJ Barea’s Menudo audition photo. From vidatraducida.wordpress.com

In a season full of surprises, one of the least shocking is JJ’s ability to completely take over in the 4th quarter.  But how the hell does he do it?!  He has the labored jump shot of a 7th grade girl heaving a medicine ball and he flails about like a Wet Willy toy sprinkler.  Yet it works.  I’m convinced that it’s because he’s so low to the ground that nobody can stop him.  It’s not fair to other players and there’s no end in sight unless David Stern instills a “No Oddjob” rule a la N64 Goldeneye.

What would JJ do with himself if he weren’t a basketball player?  Surely his indomitable spirit and competitive nature would spur him on to do something of importance.  In another world he could have played Tyrion Lannister on “A Game Of Thrones” or advanced penguin research by living as one of them.

Barea wasn’t the only Timberwolf who lit it up last night.  Alexey Shved, in particular, is really coming into his own.  I love these Russians!  We are 2-0 on the awesome Russian tip this year.  I think Ronald Reagan owes us all an apology for giving them a bad rap.  As far as I’m concerned, our starting five could consist of Shved, Andrei Kirilenko, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Mila Kunis and Mikhail Gorbachev’s red, bird-poop stain and we’d be good.

Oh and Kevin Love hurt himself again.  In other news basketballs bounce, Kareem Abdul-Jabar is tall and scoring more than your opponent wins the game.

Next up we play the Portland Trailblazers at home on Saturday.  Word on the street is Nikola Pekovic has a new tattoo of a grizzly bear on his forearm.  So my man crush continues.

Okay, Minnesota.  Let’s just prepare ourselves for the inevitable:

Kevin Love is not going to be here past 2015. 

He just signed a new contract with the Timberwolves and already he’s spouting off about the Timberwolves’ future.

This is why I love music.  “Abbey Road” never lets me down.  “Born To Run” never bitches about the records it’s surrounded by.  “London Calling” never insulted the temperature of my apartment and left for a warmer building.

Kevin Love at 60.

Kevin Love at 70. Photo from http://www.noisy.vice.com

You know what?  Fuck you, Los Angeles.  And fuck you, Miami.  Fuck you, Chicago and every single borough of New York.  Fuck the four towns that every basketball player wants to play in because it’s either warm or fancy.  What a bunch of pussies!  Oh, did your little toezy-woezies get cold?  Yeah, Minnesota is freezing.  So what?  You think Chicago’s wearing shorts in January?  New York’s snow is full of heroin.  How about standard of living?  Friendliness?  Murder rates?  Oh so bands play in LA?  You think you have the monopoly on the Foo Fighters, jackass?  And like Prince says (yeah, Prince…he still lives here!) the cold weather keeps the bad guys out.  So stick a giant purple androgynous guitar up your ass, big cities.

Oklahoma City, you don’t realize how lucky you are to have a class act like Kevin Durant.  You hold onto him and hold on tight and never let him go.  When he walks on the beach and is sad and asks why there’s only one set of footprints you tell him it’s because you carried him!

Okay.  Okay, I’m breathing deeply.  In, out, in, out.

Love’s comments about his future with Minnesota aren’t the end of the world .  We could make the playoffs this year and then be a 50 win team next year and then make the Western Conference Finals the next and maybe he’ll stay.  Damnit, why does this make me feel like an NBA wife who’s getting cheated on but won’t admit it?  “He loves me, he just gets frisky sometimes! I know I’m his favorite.”  Meanwhile, he’s making googly eyes at LA and trying to diddle Miami Beach.

But boy, all of this sure did make for an awkward game against the Denver Nuggets last night.  Especially since Love shot 3-17.  OOPS!  Not exactly the best way to prove you deserved more than 60 million, is it?

Minnesota loves you, Kevin Love.  We are willing to forgive this.  You already have a better team around you than KG did for most of his career.  Things are looking up.  Stop focusing on the negative, like our horrible owner and GM, the weather and the fact that our walls are harder than knuckles.  Okay?  Focus on the positive.  Minneapolis has one of the best art/theater/music/comedy scenes in the country.  We are the second highest rated bike-friendly city in the country (and that’s after being covered in snow half the year, too!)  Rachel Leigh Cook is from here and she used to be hot shit.  We are also very welcoming and forgiving of pampered rich kids from UCLA who punch walls and show up fat to training camp and complain after every call and suddenly can’t buy a free throw and are having a sub-par 2012-2013 season so far.

So you might like it here more than you think.

I yell because I love.

Don’t leave us, Kevin.  Los Angeles has herpes.

Photo by Trey Kirby

Very few things in the NBA surprise me anymore.  I knew DeMarcus Cousins would be a prick to everybody on Earth. I suspected that a rookie who’s afraid to get on airplanes wouldn’t play any games.  And I psychically predicted that Andrew Bynum would grow a Don King/Phil Spector hair-hybrid and get hurt while bowling.

But holy crap, Kevin Love is back already!  I didn’t see that coming at all.  He was supposed to be back in December.  Screw Thanksgiving, Christmas came early!

Now, the official story is that Love broke his hand doing “knuckle push-ups” several weeks ago, but I’ve heard numerous people insinuate that it was really from something else.  Nobody ever really clarified what “something else” was.  Punching a wall?  Sitting on his own hand?  Power Glove accident?  All I know is that Kevin Love supposedly can do two types of push-ups, normal and knuckly and I can’t even do the one (unless you count the bend-your-knees-wussy kind.)

Does it really matter how he got hurt?  Are you kidding me?  What matters is Santa Claus is in the house and he’s wearing #42.

I was on the road in North Dakota to perform stand-up comedy the night of the game, but I had enough time to catch the first half.  They had the game on there, because North Dakota lacks a team of any kind and just adopts all Minnesota culture as their own.  They stole our accent.  I’m not even sure that they have their own HIGH SCHOOL teams.  Bismarck just counts North Minneapolis’ record as their own.

So I watched the first half in my hotel room before the show and screamed things that probably aren’t too out of the ordinary at a Days Inn like “Put a body on him!” and “Throw it down!” Love was incredible with 22 points and eight rebounds in the first half alone while carrying us to a 17 point lead.  Surely that meant we were on pace for a 40 point win over a strong team.  As I went down to the club to do my show, I debated which team I wanted us to play in the playoffs.  I wondered what street the city of Minneapolis would have the NBA championship parade on.  We were going to win not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven….

And then we lost the game by seven.  Doh!  Classic Timberwolves.

Lesson learned:  Don’t get ahead of ourselves.  Yes, Kevin Love is back. He finished with 34 points and 14 rebounds even with the lousy second half and the Michael Jackson glove.  That kind of productivity while being limited physically is insane.  In comparison, I almost didn’t write this blog today because I didn’t get my nappy-wap.  If I had a broken hand I wouldn’t even leave the house.

Tonight we play the Portland Trailblazers on the road.  I predict nothing.  I am not going to jinx anything.  There is a slight possibility that basketballs will be dribbled.  Somewhere out there in the world DeMarcus Cousins will be a prick.  But that’s all I’ve got.  Christmas does not come early.

At least not without Rudolph.

Photo via basket4us.com