Posts Tagged ‘Derrick Williams’

Hello Minnesota,

This is Derrick Williams.  You may remember me as the Timberwolves’ #2 pick in the 2011 draft, as well as being a generally confused and out of breath bench player.

A lot of people had high expectations for me because I was drafted so high, but I don’t think the circumstances were fair.  Everybody knows the only two franchise players in that draft were Kyrie Irving and Chukwudiebere Maduabum.  It’s not my fault!  In a normal draft I would have been picked 27th by the Iowa Energy.

Minnesota, I can’t lie to you.  I miss you.  It’s really not been working out like I’d hoped in Sacramento.  Jimmer farts a lot and DeMarcus Cousins punches me in the stomach every night so the bruises won’t show.  Rudy Gay keeps making me buy him lunch and paying me back with Canadian Loonies.  All of my paychecks have bounced.  I’ve had to find temporary employment at Keep It Clean Carpet Tile & Upholstery on Sunrise and Ascot.  Cleaning carpets is even more impossible than shooting a wide open layup without first double-pumping and then missing because of it!

Derrick Williams 2nd birthday party.  Photo from

Derrick Williams 2nd birthday party. Photo from

Take me back, Minnesota.  I have carpet cleaning experience and can get Alexey Shved’s sad, Russian tears off of a rug faster than the Wolves bench can put the team down by ten.  I’ll be Crunch.  Whatever you need!

I’m on a train home to Minneapolis right now.  You don’t have to take me back, but if you feel like it I’ll be Hubert’s Bar & Grill signing autographs.  But mostly serving drinks.  See you soon!


Derrick Williams

Derrick Williams, who struggled for playing time and often had too much glue on his hands, has been traded to the Sacramento Kings. Photo from

Derrick Williams is pulled from a game after accidentally gluing his hand to his jersey.  Photo from

A lot of Timberwolves fans are upset about the Derrick Williams for Luc Mbah a Moute trade with the Sacramento Kings.  Unless those people have a phobia of mispronouncing names, they should just calm down.

Derrick Williams is talented.  Unfortunately, most of those talents don’t equate being a good team basketball player.  If the league had a double-pump contest, or a “Who can make the most bone-headed play immediately after doing something good?” showdown, Derrick would probably win.  Other than that, he was mostly useless to us.  Yeah, he’s talented.  But guess what?  So is every player in the NBA.  If that wasn’t the case then I’d be suited up in my Larry Bird/John Stockton shorts doing whirly-bird hook-shots from half-court.  Another airball!  Where’s my paycheck?  Ca-ching!

Maybe Williams will go on to super-stardom in the happy, functional, mature, totally not cursed, non-violent family that is the Sacramento Kings?  I hope you understand sarcasm, son, because you just got bitch-slapped with it.  This is vicious Western Conference.  Almost literally every team is .500 or higher, while in the East you make the playoffs if you have a pulse and a can name which team Michael Jordan was on.  If you’re not with us, you’re against us.  I hope that DeMarcus Cousins headbutts Derrick Williams and he ricochets into Ben Mclemore, giving them all soap opera style amnesia and they forget how to play basketball.

So how long before we trade Shabazz?

Go Wolves.

"Hey tiny lady.  Wanna sneak into the Rookie Symposium together?" Photo by

“Hey tiny lady. Wanna sneak into the Rookie Symposium together?” Photo by

I missed last night’s game against the Phoenix Suns because stupid Comcast/Fox Sports North decided to give up and show hockey instead.  All I know is that we lost by one point in overtime.  Here’s how it went down in my head:

1st Quarter:

We started off strong.  Pekovic looks like a beast and debuts a new tattoo on his forehead of Wesley Johnson getting peed on by Arizona snow-bird senior citizens.  Ridnour made some shots that makes you feel like we should keep him forever.  Then Ridnour missed some shots that make you think we should trade him the first chance we get.

2nd Quarter:

Adelmann has to be restrained from hanging himself with Chris Johnson’s shoe-laces (Chris doesn’t need them) when we go down by 30 to the Suns.  Steimsma gets punched in the throat by Arizona senator John McCain when Steamer’s bright yellow hair reminded him of the flashlight the Vietcong shoved in his face in 1971.  Michael Beasley smokes a blunt on the bench and nobody notices.

3rd Quarter:

The Wolves have their best third quarter of the year and lose the period by 20 points.  A bored Kevin Love gives free coats to homeless people in Phoenix, who then burst into flames from the heat.  John McCain personally thanks him.  Brandon Roy successfully undergoes knee transplant surgery using the hide of a gila monster and his own nose.

4th Quarter:

The Wolves come roaring back to pull within a few points.  JJ Barea does a flip off of Luis Scola’s mullet and does 40 spins in the air while the ball bursts into flames and the backboard shatters.  Derrick Williams gets called for a charge against a statue of Steve Nash.  The Suns try their hardest to get Wesley Johnson a point but he misses all of his attempts.  With 1 second left, Pekovic calls Wesley’s name and purposely passes the ball to his opponent.  Wesley makes the shot from one foot and the fans storm the court.  Overtime!

NBA Jam Fire Dunk


The Timberwolves forget that the point of overtime is to score more than your opponent and lose while comparing surgery scars by the free throw line.

Was I far off?

Well, the Academy Awards were last night.

You know it’s a depressing season when that’s my opening line.  This year’s Timberwolves feels more like the Razzies.

We lost again yesterday by one point to Golden State after leading most of the game.  If Minnesota were a movie, we’d be Water World.  Lots of money spent and a questionable Kevin.

If we’re going to be doling out awards, I’d like to give a few to the Timberwolves.  Welcome to the First Annual Tony Campbell Awards!

The Tony Campbell Award.  This is not the Tony Campbell from the Timberwolves but he's the only Tony Campbell I could find on Google holding an award.  Photo from

The Tony Campbell Award. I couldn’t find a photo of former Minnesota Timberwolf Tony Campbell holding an award so this Tony Campbell will have to do.  To excellence!  Photo from

Best Gimp:

And the Tony goes to Kevin Love for getting significantly injured not once, but twice in the same season.  When Love broke his hand doing knuckle push-ups/punching a wall, we thought the season was over.  But then, like Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects, he surprised everyone by shuffling his way back to the team before breaking it again by waving hi to his mom or not bracing himself against the wind or something.  Can he come back and break his hand a third time this season to complete the elusive hat-trick of pussy injuries?

Best Last Resort:

And the Tony goes to Luke Ridnour for not missing any long stretches of time this year.  Luke is the Kevin Bacon of basketball.  He’s nobody’s first choice, but he’ll do.

Best Extra:

Chris Johnson.  He’s actually just a former mannequin for Jack Sikma’s sport coat that they roll out to make the roster official.

"Um, Chris?  It's Family Night man, can you put some clothes on please?"  Photo from

“Um, Chris? It’s Family Night, can you put some clothes on please?” Photo from

Best Foreign Player:


Best Failed Lottery Pick:

Derrick Williams.  Derrick narrowly beat out Jonny Flynn, Corey Brewer and Wesley Johnson for this honor.  He was the #2 pick in the 2011 draft and I bet he would go at least in the second round of the 2013 draft.  For a Timberwolves pick, that’s amazing!

And finally, the Tony for most likely not to be here next year (i.e. The Michael Beasley Award) goes to:

Wow!  It’s a seven way tie between Derrick Williams, Greg Steimsma, Brandon Roy, Nikola Pekovic, Chris Johnson, JJ Barea and the entire Timberwolves fanbase.  The only guarantee for next year is that we will be called the Timberwolves and that putting the ball in the hoop is optional.

Next up we play one of the few teams with a more depressing future than us: the Suns in Phoenix.  Maybe a roving pack of havalinas will steal us all away and end the misery.

Well, the NBA trade deadline came and went and the Timberwolves sat on their damn dumb hands and did nothing.  Come on! I need something more entertaining!  This season totally blows.  I need David Kahn to do something insane to keep it interesting, like get Paul Millsap in exchange for the entire Target Center.

“But David, where are we going to play?”

“Two words: Ice Palace.  We will dominate the league unless somebody brings a bag of salt.”

I guess we need to keep Derrick Wiliams, because Kevin Love is out for most of the season.  Brandon Roy would have been nice to get off the books since he’s really just taking up $5 million or so in contract.  JJ would have been bad or good to see go, depending on which one we’re talking about.  If it’s the one that destroyed the Oklahoma City Thunder earlier this year, then boo sad-face.  If it’s the one that runs around in circles and thinks he’s a 7-footer, then adios Jose!  Luke is the only guy who’s been there consistently for us all season without injuries.  He’s like an old couch that’s full of rips, smells like your grandma and may have an old french dip somewhere in the cushion but you’ve had it for so long that you can’t stand to take it to Goodwill.  Man, I hope nobody ever says that about me.

What concerns me is that by not making a trade, we didn’t clear up any salary space to sign Nikola Pekovic for what he’s worth this summer.  He’s expressed interest in staying, but there’s now a semi-decent chance he could sign as a free agent with the Portland Trailblazers.

Pekovic, don’t go!  Where else are you going to find a freezing cold place that feels just like your homeland of Montenegro?

Okay, so I just google imaged Montenegro and it looks nothing like Minnesota.  But all the swords and skulls makes more sense now.  Photo from

Okay, so I just google imaged Montenegro and it looks nothing like Minnesota. But all of Pek’s sword and skull tattoos make more sense now.  Hazzah!  Photo from

Sigh.  So this is it.  This is the team we’re going to have for the rest of the year.  Gimps, rejects and hobos.  If only we were in the East!  We beat Philly last night and they freaking suck.  So do we, but they’re in the East so they are still in the playoff race.  If we were in the East we would be 48-3 right now.  The East consists of the Miami Heat, New York Knicks and 13 other teams full of off-season soccer players, retired mechanics and last year’s losers from Project Runway.  The Charlotte Bobcats are actually just 12 holograms of 2-Pac that nobody’s noticed yet.

Next up, the Timberwolves play the Thunder in Oklahoma on Friday.  That’s great!  The third best record in the league against a team that’s excited just to not have an injury in the last week.  They should let us have Russell Westbrook for the night just to make it interesting.  Or make Kevin Durant play with his shoelaces tied together.

We’re going to get annihilated.

Technically, the Minnesota Timberwolves still have a shot at the playoffs.  But technically, I also have a shot at winning a break-dancing competition in Harlem while dressed like Kramer from Seinfeld.  In other words, NBA Lottery Draft here we come.  Summer just wouldn’t be summer in Minnesota without a suped-up hopper full of ping-pong balls.

I refuse to totally give up on this season, though.  Not because I am a hopeful little angel of light and joy, but because I am stubborn as a ice-fisherman in April and mildly obsessive-compulsive (self-diagnosed) and have pinned my entire happiness on how well the Timberwolves do.  Last season sucked shit.  The season before that sucked shit.  Everything that didn’t have Kevin Garnett’s name on it has sucked shit (and even a couple of those have too).  This was supposed to be the season of the ceasing of the shit.  Instead, shit got real.  So I have two options:  Cry and complain that I am a fan of the new Clippers.  Or smile big and wide and Stepford Wife my way through another goddamn Timberwolves season.

So…big smiles everyone!  There’s a lot left in this Timberwolves season to enjoy.  Ricky Rubio is really starting to up his play in the last half-dozen games.  At some point this season, believe it or not, we may even have all of our players back.  Except for Brandon Roy.  Let’s be honest, unless the NBA allows him to push himself around on a skateboard, that dude’s never coming back.  And then there’s a possibility of some kind of trade(s) happening before the February 21st trade deadline.  If one thing makes having a cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs tolerable it’s having a slightly different cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs.  To the trade scenarios!

Luke Ridnour for Raja Bell – According to 1500 ESPN Twin Cities, this trade with the Utah Jazz has been in discussion.  Oh Luke.  You know this poor bastard just wants to play on a contender just once in his career.  Just once!  Can we just trade him to Miami as a Make-A-Wish?  He’ll get a championship and we’ll get Juwan Howard’s ancient bones and his Cosby sweater.  Who cares?  He’d play as much as Kevin Love does.

Speaking of Kevin Love – The Minnesota Timberwolves WILL NOT trade Kevin Love.  All you bloggers/Bleacher Report hacks can just shut your faces about that.  I read some dude’s blubbery malarkey on RantSports about the Wolves trading Love for Carlos Boozer and a Bulls’ draft pick.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I know Glen Taylor and David Kahn are stupid, but that’s like dunking the ball at the buzzer when we’re down by three level stupid.  (I will never forgive you, Martell Webster!)  How insulting is it to us that people assume that since we have a superstar player, we just have to trade them because surely they’re not happy here?  Kevin Love is plenty happy, alright? His beard wouldn’t work in Los Angeles anyway, with all the heat and smog and spray-tanning.

Derrick Williams for Kyrie Irving – This trade involves a bit of mind-control and a mulligan on an entire year of basketball.  But I know a hypnotist/magician who might be able to convince someone to swap last year’s #1 pick/star of the future for last year’s #2 pick/Wes Johnson of the future.  All I need is some candles, a stereo that can play New Age subliminal messages on tape and someone willing to kidnap Dan Gilbert.

Greg Steimsma for Bigfoot  – Hear me out, okay?  First off, ticket sales would spike.  And Bigfoot would serve the exact same purpose as the Steamer by running around all willy-nilly and blocking a shot here or there seemingly by accident.  He also might freak out some of the more germophobic NBA stars.  And he kind of looks like Teen Wolf and that story ended with a championship.

He would foul out slower than Greg Steimsma.  Photo from

He would foul out slower than Greg Steimsma. Photo from

Our last game before the All-Star break is this Wednesday against the Utah Jazz at home.  Will the Jazz show up with a salty pair of magic underwear just for Luke Ridnour?  Stay tuned, sports fans!

Well, we have a losing record again.

It’s actually kind of comforting.  Like a pair of ratty sweat pants, it’s familiar and screams “I give up!”  Spill some mustard on it.  Who cares?  It’s not like you’re going anywhere.

Okay, I think I’m taking this a little too hard.  Nobody’s giving up just yet.  5-6 isn’t the end of the world.  As we all know, we still have a lot of injuries and that will correct itself.  Plus, it takes time to work your superstar back into the rotation.

But there is one giant elephant in the room that needs to be addressed: Michael Beasley 2.0.

Otherwise known as Derrick Williams.

Photo from

D-Will has played zero minutes the last two games.  NOT ONE minute.  And he’s not injured.  That’s the #2 pick in the 2011 draft we’re talking about here.  And LOU AMUNDSON played for crying out loud!  Dude looks like a NARC from 21 Jump Street.

Rick Adelman always seems to have one or two players that he’s not fond of and this year that player is clearly Williams.  It’s actually one of the many things I love about our coach.  He does not suffer bad playing and lousy attitudes.  If you aren’t helping, you sit.  End of story.  Barring the possibility that Adelman had a senior moment and simply forgot Williams existed for two games, I’d say that somebody’s in the dog house.  Or on the trading block.  Or both.

Should we trade him?  Yes, yes and yes.  There has been a much rumored deal for a while now about some kind of Pau Gasol for Williams-plus-someone deal.  I would love for that to happen.  Gasol still has a lot of juice in him and he’s boys with Ricky Rubio.  That’d give us two sets of Russian/Spaniard Super-Friends.  And each of those two groups would have one ugly person and one heart-throb, like an athletic Hall & Oates times two.  It’s perfect.  Except unfortunately Gasol would push our awkward white guy level to Defcon 5.  There’s only so many times we can say “We’re diverse!  We’re GLOBAL!” before it starts to get suspect.  (But quit calling JJ Barea white.  He’s Puerto Rican!  Yeah, he’d look completely at home at a Toby Keith concert but his name is JOSE!)

Derrick Williams has the potential to be a really good player.  I think he’s got tons of talent and most likely has a good future in the NBA as a third or maybe even second option.  He can jump through the roof and has flashes of brilliance.  But he plays the same position as the best power forward in the league and his key competitor for back-up minutes at the 4 (Dante Cunningham) has proven he has the heart of a lion.  Williams had all summer to learn how to play the 3 and seemingly either couldn’t or wouldn’t do it.

So how can Derrick Williams turn things around, get on Adelman’s good side and save his season?  I brainstormed for an hour and this is what I came up with:

Suggestion #1) Learn to play basketball better.

That’s all I’ve got.

Oh, so you were awesome in college?  Guess what, so was everybody else.  This is the NBA.  When I was in fifth grade I was a damn good saxophone player.  Some might even say the best at Jefferson Elementary.  Nobody could play the Batman theme or “We’re Not Going To Take It” by Twisted Sister better than me.  But then I moved on to middle school, and suddenly I wasn’t the best.  Kevin Deal (the LeBron James of early-90s northern Iowa middle-school saxophonists) was the undisputed king.  And do you know what I did?  I did what any self-respecting American would do:  I quit. I quit and then opted to throw M&Ms at the marching bands’ helmets from the bleachers during football games instead.

So shit or get off the pot, Derrick Williams.  We don’t need you.  Either be more of a team player and less of an inconsistent cry-baby, or start working on your estate sale.