Posts Tagged ‘dion waiters’

lanceblow

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The Minnesota Timberwolves have signed journeyman, famous ear-blower and Dion Waiters soulmate Lance Stephenson to a 10-day contract.  On the surface, this seems like it has no downside.  What can happen in ten days, anyway?  Oh yeah:

donald-trump

Stephenson is a bit of an anomaly.  He seemingly has all the physical talent in the world mixed with the maturity of a third-grader who didn’t get his Fruit Roll-Up.  He’s like Yosemite Sam without any guns or a hat or a home.

And yet, I’m optimistic.  I have to be, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  Optimism is all we have.  Every true Wolves fan is delusionally under the impression that “MAYBE THIS IS IT?”.  Michael Beasley, JJ Barea, Andrei Kirilenko…it always seems good on paper.  And then they smoke themselves silly (and leave an estate sale full of wine stains and decorative eggs), get into fights about who’s the alpha on the team even though they’re 4’2″ and physically crumble like a Russian tea cake someone left on Boris Yeltsin’s radiator.

BEST CASE SCENARIO:

Lance has a resurgence a la Dion Waiters in Miami and we sign him for the rest of the year.  He continues to blow in LeBron’s ear (because that is awesome).  His former mentor, Larry Bird, is so moved by Lance’s redemption story that he leaves the Pacers’ front office, gets a robotic spine and returns to basketball as a Timberwolves player, beginning our run of 33 consecutive NBA titles.

WORST CASE SCENARIO:

He accidentally kills Karl-Anthony Towns on Day 3 after bringing an ATV to practice.

WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN:

Lance will be Lance.  And by that I mean an idiot.  He’ll have a few amazing shots, but mostly will swing his dick around and possibly bring a Nintendo Switch onto the court.  We will sign him for the rest of the year, because we are Minnesota.  He’ll be in China by summer, which is where former Timberwolves go to feel better about themselves.  He’ll average 45 ppg until he blows into Chinese leader Xi Jinping’s ear, after which he’ll spend the rest of his life making LeBron James’ shoes in a basement in Beijing.

Next up we play the Raptors in Minneapolis.  Screw you, Toronto!  You’ll never get Maple Jordan back!

GO WOLVES!!!

 

You must forgive me for not updating until today.  I fell asleep during the Timberwolves/Cavaliers game last Friday and just woke up Sunday night.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally awesome to be bored to tears by a blow-out win.  But even so, this is a Cleveland team that sucked even when they DID have their two best players (Kyrie Irving and Dion Waiters.)  They were without them against us, and boy did everybody act like it.  It felt like a dress rehearsal for a 3rd grade musical about facial hair.  It didn’t seem natural.

But screw that game.  Here’s the real news: Ricky Rubio could be back as early as Wednesday!!!  It’s more likely that it’ll be Saturday, or perhaps a few days longer, but there is light at the end of the tunnel!  And we are 9-9 and currently in the 8th seed for the playoffs (yes, it’s a long, long season and the Lakers are behind us at the moment, but shut your face and let me be happy.)  Who would have thought we’d still be .500 in a season that saw us play the majority so far without our two best players.  The law of probability and statistics says that we should be without a single injury for the rest of the season.  We got them all out early.  So we are literally invincible after this.  Greg Stiesma could stick his face in an airplane propeller and be fine.  Nikola Pekovic could smoke crystal meth the rest of the year.  Malcolm Lee could eat both his legs.  We are untouchable!

Ricky Rubio was in high spirits after his surgery, even when his feet swelled to gigantic proportions.

Ricky Rubio was in high spirits after his surgery, even when his feet swelled to gigantic proportions.  Photo from tcstarlight.com.

I’m in such a good mood that I actually enjoyed watching Kevin Love’s “Coats – The Session” video today.  It’s a video he made with several other T-Wolves encouraging people to donate their coats.  Love is dressed up like Kenny G, even though Kenny G never wore a trench-coat, has curly hair instead of wonky straight hair and played a soprano sax, not an alto like Love does in the video.  (I hate Kenny G, I swear. I just seem to know a lot about him.  Everybody knows he plays a soprano. Shut up!)

Who knows, maybe Kevin Love isn’t even using the coats for homeless people.  It just says “Bring Your Coats For the Salvation Army.”  He never said anything about donating them to people.  Maybe he just wants you to bring your coats to the Salvation Army, where he’ll steal them and use them to smother the next person who doesn’t offer him a max contract.  KAHNNNNN!!!!!!