Posts Tagged ‘draft’

Shabazz Mohammad. Photo from twincities.com

The Timberwolves’ #14 pick: Shabazz Muhammad. Photo from twincities.com

We suck at drafting.¬† Like super suck.¬† I was trying to think of an analogy like “We are the _____ of drafting” and then I realized it’s already right in front of me.¬† We are the Minnesota Timberwolves of drafting.¬† David Kahn, Flip Saunders, it doesn’t matter.¬† We treat each draft like it’s a meat raffle and yet we come home with Twinkies.

Positives first: We drafted guys with fantastically comic booky names Shabazz and Gorgui.¬† Too bad Magneto and Doctor Octopus were already taken.¬† In addition, Shabazz can be used as a verb like “Smurf”, as in “He goes up!¬† And yes!¬† With the SHABAZZ!” and¬† “You really shouldn’t Shabazz in public.”¬† Also, neither draft pick is white, which lowers our Cape Cod percentage to 85% bleached.¬† Phew!

Negatives: We could have had Trey Burke, arguably the best point guard in the draft.¬† Granted, we have 45 point guards, but in a weak draft like this you take what you can get.¬† Instead, we basically swapped for Michael Beasley with less talent.¬† Shabazz has allegedly lied about his age, sulked when a teammate scored a game-winning basketball instead of him and de-pantsed elderly people in public on their birthdays.¬† That last one might not be true, but that’s how poorly he’s being portrayed.

It really comes as no surprise if you pay attention to our history.¬† We’ve flubbed way more than we’ve hit.¬† Here are our top lottery pick selections since our very first year.¬† Try not to be blown away by the star-power:

1989 – Pooh Richardson #10 (Pooh!)

1990 – Felton Spencer #5 (Swing and a miss.)

1991 – Luc Longley #7 (An avocado tree could have played center for the Bulls and won those titles.)

1992 – Christian Laettner #3 (No comment necessary.)

1993 – Isaiah “J.R.” Rider #5 (Our first go-around with a mega-talented pile of shit.)

1994 – Donyell Marshall #4 (Who?)

1995 РKevin Garnett #5 (YAY!! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer!  Good job, Wolves!)

1996 – Ray Allen #5 (YAY! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer!¬† Oh, wait.¬† Traded to Milwaukee.¬† For Stephon Marbury.¬† Feeling…sad…)

1999 РWally Szczerbiak #6 (Pick traded From New Jersey.  Wayzata embodied in human form. If only his game stood up as much as his intensely gelled hair.)

2006 – Brandon Roy #6 (Traded to Portland.¬† Booo!¬† No, yay!¬† No, wait…I’m not sure.)

2007 – Corey Brewer #7 (Clank.)

2008 – O.J. Mayo #3 (Traded to Memphis for Kevin Love.¬† YAY!¬† Good job, Kevin McHale!¬† Maybe you aren’t so bad, after all.¬† Hey, where are you?)

2009 – Ricky Rubio #5 (Real-life anime teddy bear and hopefully the face of our franchise for years to come.¬† Either way, I could really use a Ricky Rubio “Change this face!” pick-me-up right now.)

2009 – Jonny Flynn #6 (Sucks so bad that his name tried to spell “no” several times.)

2010 – Wesley Johnson #4 (To this day, I’m partially convinced that Wesley Johnson was just a tall usher in the audience who got mistaken for an NBA player and drafted.)

2011 РDerrick Williams #2 (T.B.D. Best case scenario: We trade him for something.  Worst case scenario: Kevin Love breaks his knuckles on his face.  KABLAM!  CHA-POW!  SHABAZZ!)

2013 – Drafted Trey Burke #9, then traded him for the picks that became Shabazz Muhammad, Gorgui Dieng and Sassafras Tinklytoots.

2014- Grumpy Cat #1 and David Kahn #9?  Why not?

Grumpy Mike - Frighteningly, I swear to God this picture was taken before I'd even heard of Grumpy Cat.  Photo by Ryan Wisniewski

Grumpy Mike – Frighteningly, I swear to God this picture was taken before I’d even heard of Grumpy Cat. Photo by Ryan Wisniewski

Let’s face it, Wolves fans (those of you still out there) – It doesn’t matter who our GM or President or head coach is.¬† Glen Taylor is the owner and will be for a long, long time.¬† As long as he holds the reigns:¬† We.¬† Are.¬† Screwed.¬† Who’s really to blame?¬† The idiots and their idiot decisions?¬† Or the King Idiot who keeps hiring all the idiots?¬† Or the idiot like me who keeps watching?

Shabummer.

Foreshadowing by Flea? Photo from dimemag.com

Flea foreshadowing Shabazz’s 2015 panda smuggling prison stint. Photo from dimemag.com

Photo from sotasports.files.wordpress.com/

Photo from sotasports.files.wordpress.com/

31 wins, 51 losses.

Soak it in, Timberwolves fans.¬† This asinine, infuriating, brain-melting shit-pocket of a season is the best record we’ve ever had without Kevin Garnett.¬† We’ve been a team since 1989, when Hypercolor and Milli Vanilli were popular.¬† We are a sad, cursed bunch.

Our core group of Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio and Nikola Pekovic played a total of 13 minutes together this season.¬† That’s a real stat.¬† The drum solo in “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” is longer than that.¬† That’s not even mentioning the injuries to Chase Budinger, Brandon Roy, Malcolm Lee and Andrei Kirilenko.¬† And still we won 31 games.

There’s so many questions about next year that I don’t even want to open myself up for the disappointment.¬† Will Kevin Love be 100%?¬† Will Rick Adelman return as head coach?¬† Will David Kahn be fired and if so will he be replaced by Jesse Ventura?¬† Can we move to the East already, so we can lose 85% of our games and still make the playoffs.¬† Fuck you, Milwaukee.¬† You’re Chicago’s gimpy, dirty cousin and nobody likes you.¬† You’re where people go when they’ve been run out of town but still have meth to sell.¬† You’re the North Vegas of the Midwest.¬† You smell like cabbage.¬† I hope Miami wins by 150 while watching re-runs of “Laverne & Shirley” because that’s how easy it is to beat you.

By sheer probability and statistics, we have to be good again sooner or later, right?¬† They say that if a monkey types on a typewriter infinitely that it’ll eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare.¬† I don’t know what’s scarier, this immortal, ADHD monkey or the fact that chimpanzee King Lear will probably exist before the headline “NBA Champions – The Minnesota Timberwolves” does.

I love the Minnesota Timberwolves.¬† I will continue to support them rain or shine.¬† Here’s my Timberwolves wishlist for the summer:

1) Be healthy.

2) Draft a player who doesn’t suck.

3) Fire people who are stupid.

4) Re-sign Pekovic.

5) Meet Prince and steal his high heels.

6) Find more Russians.¬† They don’t hate snow.

7) Remove all walls, fridges and anything punchable from Kevin Love’s apartment.¬† Preferable: House him in a sponge bubble.

8) Erect a statue of Pooh Richardson and Tony Campbell holding hands.

9) Sign Dwight Howard.

10) Inject Dwight Howard with PCP-laced heroin and leave him at Hazeldon with a note saying “I do bath-salts if nobody punches me in the balls.”

Thanks for reading this season.¬† I’ll post when things of interest happen this off-season, but otherwise see you next year.¬† Go Wolves!

I don’t think I have to tell you how much I hate the Los Angeles Lakers, because I already have.

And we have a chance to completely ruin their season.¬† The Lakers and the Utah Jazz are in a dogfight for the last spot in the Western Conference playoffs.¬† There’s only about a half dozen games left in the season and every single one counts.¬† And lo and behold, guess who plays the Jazz TWICE before the season’s out?¬† Your very own Minnesota Timberwolves.

I love that Minnesotans are honest and hard-working people.¬† I love that we pride ethics in our lives.¬† But the Minnesota Timberwolves are not from Minnesota.¬† Luke Ridnour’s from Oregon, Ricky Rubio’s from Spain, Kevin Love was born at sea on Dennis Wilson’s house boat and Nikola Pekovic was born and raised on the Berlin Wall, I think.¬† And therefore, I say fuck it!¬† Let’s throw these damn games.

What’s the worst that could happen?¬† The 1919 White Sox purposely lost the World Series for money and what happened to them?¬† I think they got banned for life or something, but they made it onto the Field Of Dreams!¬† And that’s all anybody really remembers or cares about.¬† Does anybody remember Shoeless Joe Jackson’s nemesis, Pointy-Boots LaRue?¬† No, they don’t.¬† They remember the famous cheater who hung out with Kevin Costner.

No playoffs for you this year, Lakers!¬† Because if it’s one thing the Timberwolves are good at, it’s losing.¬† I want to see Lakers fans jumping ship like it’s the Titanic.¬† And the last three people on board are Kobe, Dwight and Nash playing their stupid million dollar violins.¬† Kobe will turn to those two and say “Gentlemen, it’s been an honor playing with you this season.¬† And when I say honor, I mean it was the worst.¬† God, you guys suck.”

We created you guys.¬† The Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers.¬† There’s no lakes in California, just black tar heroin pits and stripper glitter reservoirs.¬† You stole our team.¬† And now 50 years later we’re repaying the debt by ruining your season.¬† Greg Steimsma will be starting at point guard in both games against Utah.¬† JJ Barea will be playing center.¬† A sad and lonely Christian Laettner will be coming out of retirement and starting at PF.¬† We’re going down, Los Angeles.¬† And there’s nothing you can do about it.

See you in the Lottery, bitches.

Minneapolis Lakers

With eight games left in the season, I figured now was as good of time as any to cart out the end of the season grades for the Minnesota Timberwolves.¬† Maybe someday I’ll be doing these in June?¬† Right.¬† Maybe someday I’ll be the Princess of Wales too?¬† I keep leaving glass slippers everywhere, but I live downtown so people keep smoking crack out of them.

What qualifies me to judge and grade professional basketball players on their skill when I averaged 0.01 minutes a game on my high school team?¬† Well, I’m crazy.¬† I punched a guy in the face at the Y during a pick-up game at noon when I was 34.¬† (I use that reasoning for everything.)

In alphabetical order:

JJ Barea: B-

A lot of people hate JJ, but I love his spark and his super hot wife.¬† He’s a 4’5″ man who thinks he’s 7’6″.¬† Obviously, Freaky Friday happened for real.¬† Somewhere there’s a Manute Bol looking motherfucker who thinks he’s a horse jockey.

Chase Budinger: B-

Would have gotten an A-, except that he was spotted at the House of Comedy in Bloomington, MN, at a Steve-O show.¬† I performed stand-up there only weeks later and I never saw Chase’s Jared-Leto-from-Fight-Club head there the whole time.¬† B-!

Dante Cunningham: B+

Dante gets a B+ just for not having any kind of significant injury.

Mickael Gelabale & Chris Johnson:  TBD

Like your grandpa’s new fling at the nursing home, you just want to see if they’ll survive before you invest yourself emotionally.

Andrei Kirilenko: A-

I love Kirilenko because he doesn’t seem human.¬† His body is all boxy and ragged corners, like when the Muppets put on a trenchcoat and pretended to be one big human.¬† Combine that, Drago from Rocky IV and a scarecrow and you have the most consistent player on the Wolves this year.

Malcolm Lee: N/A

It’s been so long since he played that I actually forgot who he was or what he did.

Kevin Love: D-

For music nerds:¬† Kevin Love’s season was supposed to be “Smile” and ended up being “Smiley Smile.”

For Game of Thrones nerds: Kevin Love’s season was supposed to be Tyrion Lannister but ended up being Joffrey Baratheon.

For Mike Brody nerds: Kevin Love’s season was supposed to be how Mike Brody views himself, but ended up being how Mike Brody really is.

Nikola Pekovic: A+

I blocked a guy on Facebook once for talking shit about Pekovic’s tattoo.¬† That’s all you need to know.¬† Greatest. Ever.

Luke Ridnour: C+

Not good or bad.  Like a day old doughnut.  Just there.

Brandon Roy: F

Oscar Pistorius’ legs are more real than yours.¬† Time to quit, Brandon.

Ricky Rubio: A

“Change this face.¬† Be Happy.¬† Enjoy!”¬† When Ricky’s done being our last true hope, he can retire and record soundbites for Mario Brothers games.¬† “Itsa ME!¬† RICKY!”

Alexey Shved: B-

Alexey’s first half of the season was great and the second half sucked.¬† So, the prototypical Timberwolf.

Greg Steimsma: C

Steimsma Fight

Steamer’s greatest accomplishment this year.

Derrick Williams: C

If the Timberwolves are having a garage sale this summer then Derrick Williams is the vibrator hidden in the box of batteries.  Somebody might have wanted it new, but good luck getting anything for it now.