Posts Tagged ‘fancy ray mccloney’

Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year. ¬†The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker. ¬†I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas. ¬†Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable? ¬† “G-String” McGee?

To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore. ¬†I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix. ¬†He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A. ¬†I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls. ¬†Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying. ¬†Enemies for life.

So¬†I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals. ¬†I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch¬†Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to¬†hire me straight out when he hears these:

Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry. 

Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school. ¬†We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math. ¬†But it works out for everybody. ¬†We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.

Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries. 

Hear me out. ¬†We need a guy to boo. ¬†Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.) ¬†Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people. ¬†But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas. ¬†We get a guy who is okay at basketball and¬†more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues. ¬†Hello ticket sales!

Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney. 

Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player. ¬†But hey, neither was Darko¬†Milińćińá. ¬†Just look at that last name. ¬†It looks like even Milińćińá’s letters are trying to leave him. ¬†If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too. ¬†But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team? ¬†Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray. ¬†We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch¬†after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes. ¬†And “G-String” McGee can join too! ¬†Win-Win!


“My my my! ¬†I am the BEST looking 12th man in the NBA!”

Thank me later, Thibs.

Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night. ¬†Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.

Go Wolves!!!


There a few NBA franchises that I consider kindred spirits.¬† I don’t root for these teams, but I feel their pain completely because their mismanagement, hopelessness and dumbassery feel oh so familiar to me.¬†¬†¬† It’s the exact opposite of the Lakers optimism/hubris that says “Of course we’ll be contenders next year.”¬† It’s the Milwaukee Bucks’ “Did you know we have a team?” vibe.¬† The Bobcats/Pistons “Oh shit, an NBA legend is running us into the ground and nobody can get rid of him” vibe.¬† The Clippers’ “Just give it four or five years and we’ll be the old Clippers again and nobody will care except Billy Crystal” vibe.¬† It’s the New York Knicks in general.

I’m talking about Donald Sterling, Joe Dumars, Michael Jordan, Jerry Dolan and whoever the hell is running the Milwaukee Bucks/future Supersonics right now.¬† (It’s rumored that David Kahn wants to buy the Bucks.¬† Don’t let it happen, Milwaukee!¬† Protest!¬† Riot!¬† Put up a camouflage shield so he can’t find your town.¬† He’s dumb, it’ll work!¬† Being last place in the league is preferable to being last place for the foreseeable future with him.)

Donald Sterling: Clippers' owner and hungry, hungry hippo. Photo from

Donald Sterling: Horrendous Clippers’ owner and hungry, hungry hippo. Photo from

As a Timberwolves fan who’s had to live through David Kahn, Flip Saunders and any other bumbling brain-dead Dodo bird with a clipboard that Glen Taylor hires, I understand.¬† It’s not our fault!¬† We’re just the fans, with no say in the decisions, but we suffer just the same.¬† Minnesota didn’t deserve a guy who drafted three point guards in the first round and still missed the good one.¬† Detroit didn’t deserve Josh Smith, the abandoned skyscraper of basketball players.¬† Get this: The Knicks acquired Andrea Bargnani on purpose!¬† I worked at Jimmy John’s in my 30s and even I’m put together enough to know that’s a bad idea.

So what to do?¬† We can sit here and let these numbskulls ruin the vicarious joy that we feel from other people accomplishing things, or we can put a stop to it.¬† You know how they elect sheriffs even though nobody seems to know why?¬† We need to do that with our owners and front office.¬† It’s election time, bitches.¬† Better start earning your jobs!

“What’s that, Mr. Kahn?¬† You’re thinking about signing Darko Milicic to a four-year 20 million dollar deal?¬† I don’t think that’s a good idea.¬† Midterm elections are coming up and Fancy Ray McCloney is rising in the polls.¬† He’s promised to sign Prince and make the players’ jerseys out of crushed velvet.”

"The Best Looking Man In Comedy!"

Fancy Ray McCloney – “The Best Looking Man In Comedy!”

Tonight we play our brothers in ineptitude, The New York Knicks.¬† Actually, I don’t want to admit it, but we’re 6-1 in the last seven games and five of our next six games are at home against losing teams.¬† The one away game is against the Boobcats.¬† I am not going to get optimistic, because every time I do, we lose.¬† So I’ll just leave you with something Fancy: