Posts Tagged ‘george mikan’

Tyus Jones, Alex Caruso

AP Photo/Jim Mone

In case you didn’t know, the Los Angeles Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers.  Granted, this was back when it was almost all whites dudes and people still played with peach baskets and medicine balls.  Shoes were worn on the court solely because exposed toes were considered too sexual.  A highlight reel consisted of George Mikan scoring eight million points without ever leaving his feet.  BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT TO.


Remember when all the kids wore their flat-footed “Vern Mikkelson” Converses? From

Still, that team belonged to us.  We won five of the Lakers 16 championships in Minneapolis.  You know, the land of LAKES.  And then the team left.  I honestly don’t know the full story because I didn’t have time to read the telegrams, but I understand it wasn’t exactly acrimonious.  Think of how Seattle feels about Oklahoma City now, except with the NBA fanship roughly the size of curling.

Flash forward past civil rights and the discovery that smoking is bad during halftime to last night.  The L.A. Lakers were in town to play the Minnesota Timberwolves and these SUMSOFBITCHES wore their throw-back “MPLS. Lakers” jerseys.  That’s like if Seattle actually did get a team again and OKC showed up wearing a Shawn Kemp style “Supersonics” jersey to rub it in.  Or if the New Orleans Pelicans played the Charlotte Hornets and wore their retro jerseys as the New Orleans Hornets, even though technically they aren’t considered a part of that franchise anymore even though they drafted people as Hornets that ended up as Pelicans.  No, wait.  I’m confused. THE POINT IS, IT WAS SHITTY and there are only one of two explanations for the Lakers’ rationale in doing so:

  1. They are so egocentric as a team that they thought they were honoring us by wearing the name of our city in OUR HOUSE, even though it was ripped from our hands back when people ate lead for fun.
  2. It was a direct “F-You!” to Timberwolves fans.

Being a Minnesotan with a passive-aggressive inferiority complex, I’m going with #2.  So “F-You!” back, L.A.  You have 11 championships.  Those other five were won in a rollerskating rink in Minnesota when there were three teams in the league.  The finals were decided by a coin toss and you don’t get to claim them unless you are intimately familiar with Hubert Humphrey or at the very least Louie Anderson.

My how the roles have flipped.  Minnesota is looking like a #4 seed and the Lakers are a place that Dwight Howard’s sad sack doesn’t even want to go to, so you definitely ain’t getting LeBron.  The only new big name you guys are getting is Jack Nicholson’s gastroenterologist. So suck it, Los Angeles.  You snowbirds couldn’t take the cold anyway.

Next up we play the Nets in Brooklyn, a team that will never ever attempt to wear a throw-back jersey:


Photo from




I can’t take this anymore.

All I have to say about the game is that the Phoenix Suns are disturbingly for real, Gerald Green makes Matt Barnes seem like a swell dude and new Suns coach Jeff Hornacek looks weird without his short-shorts on.

So, in honor of Jeff Hornacek (and my desperate need to distract my sadness,) I give to you the all-time All-NBA Short-Shorts Team:

HONORABLE MENTION:  Kevin McHale, Ralph Sampson, Kurt Rambis, Tom Chambers, Bill Walton, Mark Price, Manute Bol

"Quick! Squash that man with the spray-on beard's head between our thighs!"

“Quick! Squash the spray-on beard guy’s head between our thighs!” Photo from

“Hey, why does Manute Bol only get honorable mention?  Look at his leg-to-shorts ratio!”  True enough.  But he was 7’7″.  Those shorts actually were big enough cover a Cirque du Soleil tent.  They were short the way the Arctic Ocean is “small.”

6) SIXTH MAN – George Mikan

Back when the shoes were flat and the taints were gaping.  Photo from

Back when the shoes were flat and the taints were gaping. Photo from

To be fair, I’m pretty sure even trousers went up to your balls back then, but it doesn’t change the fact that Mikan was the first Nair Superstar.  And that’s for the MINNEAPOLIS Lakers, bitches. So just imagine how cold his ass (literally) was.

5) Isiah Thomas

Isiah accidentally wore his wrestling unitard to the game.  Photo from

Isiah accidentally wore his wrestling unitard to the game. Photo from

As evidenced by Jordan’s attire in this photo, we were solidly in the mid-level length shorts era.  But Zeke refused to go along with it.  His championships and shorts were products of the 80s and no amount of chafing would change that.

4) Clyde “The Glyde” Drexler

Isiah taking up-close fabric measurements while getting dunked on.  Photo from

Isiah taking up-close fabric measurements while getting dunked on. Photo from

Without question, Clyde Drexler is the most high-flying nut-flasher on this list.  He was like a speedy hot-air balloon, soaring over his opponents and displaying high-region thigh hair to all who dared try and stop him.

3) Magic Johnson & Larry Bird

The toughest of rivals and the (almost) shortest of shorts. Photo from

The toughest of rivals and the (almost) shortest of shorts. Photo from

It’s impossible to talk about Magic Johnson or Larry Bird without mentioning the other.  They were like Bennifer, except rivals.  Every single thing about them was different, besides their britches.  In that they whole-hardheartedly agreed: If it ain’t tight it ain’t right.  Notice how Magic’s are just a titch shorter, indicating that he won more championships.

2) Kelly Tripucka

Kelly Tripucka nuts shorts

There’s nothing that needs to be said about Kelly Tripucka that can’t be seen dangling from his somehow league-approved uniform.

1) John Stockton

The Michael Jordan of short shorts.  Photo from

The Michael Jordan of short shorts. Photo from

John Stockton is the undisputed king of short-shorts.  Look at those things.  Peter Dinklage would be swimming in them.  Not only did Stockton reign supreme in the 80s, when most players also kept it up-top and tight too, but he defiantly refused to adjust in the middle-length era and even into the below-the-knees Allen Iverson years.  He was like a folk artist who refused to plug in, or a parent who won’t text.  Stockton’s popularity remains high in Utah, where to-scale replicas of his shorts are used as elbow patches in his honor.

Next up the Wolves play the Bobcats, where we’ll either win by 30 or lose by one at the buzzer.  Go Wolves and stuff.

Did David Duke play for the Dallas Mavericks?  Photo from

Did David Duke play for the Dallas Mavericks?  You should be concerned if you out-hillbilly Larry Bird.  Photo from

I don’t think I have to tell you how much I hate the Los Angeles Lakers, because I already have.

And we have a chance to completely ruin their season.  The Lakers and the Utah Jazz are in a dogfight for the last spot in the Western Conference playoffs.  There’s only about a half dozen games left in the season and every single one counts.  And lo and behold, guess who plays the Jazz TWICE before the season’s out?  Your very own Minnesota Timberwolves.

I love that Minnesotans are honest and hard-working people.  I love that we pride ethics in our lives.  But the Minnesota Timberwolves are not from Minnesota.  Luke Ridnour’s from Oregon, Ricky Rubio’s from Spain, Kevin Love was born at sea on Dennis Wilson’s house boat and Nikola Pekovic was born and raised on the Berlin Wall, I think.  And therefore, I say fuck it!  Let’s throw these damn games.

What’s the worst that could happen?  The 1919 White Sox purposely lost the World Series for money and what happened to them?  I think they got banned for life or something, but they made it onto the Field Of Dreams!  And that’s all anybody really remembers or cares about.  Does anybody remember Shoeless Joe Jackson’s nemesis, Pointy-Boots LaRue?  No, they don’t.  They remember the famous cheater who hung out with Kevin Costner.

No playoffs for you this year, Lakers!  Because if it’s one thing the Timberwolves are good at, it’s losing.  I want to see Lakers fans jumping ship like it’s the Titanic.  And the last three people on board are Kobe, Dwight and Nash playing their stupid million dollar violins.  Kobe will turn to those two and say “Gentlemen, it’s been an honor playing with you this season.  And when I say honor, I mean it was the worst.  God, you guys suck.”

We created you guys.  The Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers.  There’s no lakes in California, just black tar heroin pits and stripper glitter reservoirs.  You stole our team.  And now 50 years later we’re repaying the debt by ruining your season.  Greg Steimsma will be starting at point guard in both games against Utah.  JJ Barea will be playing center.  A sad and lonely Christian Laettner will be coming out of retirement and starting at PF.  We’re going down, Los Angeles.  And there’s nothing you can do about it.

See you in the Lottery, bitches.

Minneapolis Lakers