Posts Tagged ‘glen taylor’

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Photo from thumbs.dreamstime.com

Okay, so the Timberwolves Nation got a little ahead of ourselves.  We won three in a row, anointed ourselves the new NBA Champions and then in truly Wolves-y fashion got our asses handed to us by a 55 year old German, Steph Curry’s supposed brother and JJ-freaking-Barea.  Getting schooled by Barea is like an ex-girlfriend suddenly dating George Clooney.  It’s confusing and they don’t deserve it.

A lot of Wolves fans are beginning to question whether Zach LaVine is the cause of this pendulum swing.  He got hurt, we won three, then he comes back and we lose badly.  It’s not LaVine.  It’s because we are a very talented, young team that is better at sharing Snapchat pics than the ball.  And as Wolves fans we’ve spent the better part of a decade and a half wildly blaming everything and everyone in the organization short of official Timberwolves DJ, Mad Mardigan, who admittedly I haven’t seen practicing free throws.  Here’s a list of people who’ve been blamed for all of our woes over the years and the criticisms lobbed at them:

Glen Taylor –  (Cheapskate, creepy, only hires friends, looks like an emaciated Kelsey Grammer)

Kevin Garnett’s supporting cast – (They were just KG’s friends signed to huge contracts, Troy Hudson’s rap album was the only thing worse than his game, Latrell Sprewell turned down a $14 million contract because “I need to feed my kids” which means his kids apparently ate diamonds, Sam Cassell hurt himself doing a “Big Balls” dance which is less a criticism than an awesome fact.)

Kevin McHale – (Gifted the Boston Celtics a championship by trading Kevin Garnett for two Bob Cousy basketball cards and Aerosmith’s “Get A Grip” CD, looks like Frankenstein if he left his clothes hanger in his sport coat)

David Kahn – (Everything you can possibly imagine and it’s all true)

Jonny Flynn – (We do not speak of him outloud but at least the “H” in “Johnny” knew what was up and got out)

Kurt Rambis – (A shitty version of Phil Jackson, wouldn’t even wear his dork glasses which is the only reason anybody ever really liked him)

Kevin Love – (Primadonna, two-faced, stat-stuffer, Benedict Arnold, won a championship without us and doesn’t seem sad enough about it)

Ricky Rubio – (Can’t shoot, drafted before Steph Curry, too handsome and huggable, doesn’t break ankles like Kris Dunn even though Kris Dunn hasn’t made one shot after those moves and you’re all 14 years old)

Andrew Wiggins – (Too Canadian/nice, isn’t LeBron James in his third year, analytics nerds who play more NBA 2K than actual basketball think he is the worst player since the chubby kid from “Teen Wolf”)

Thibs – (Hasn’t made us perfect after 41 games, somehow has hair and is bald at the same time, won’t play Brandon Rush for unknown reasons which maybe include Rush hitting on Thibs’ non-existent wife)

Zach LaVine – (Possibly made us lose one game against Dallas)

Relax, Wolves fans.  Someday we are going to be great.  Or we’ll screw it up, lose all our players and do the same thing for another 15 years.   Enjoy!

Next up we play the Spurs in San Antonio.  Maybe this will be one of those games where Popp sits all his players just to piss people off?

GO WOLVES!!!

 

Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

“And with the #1 Pick in the NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…”

Those are words that have never been said.  Officially.  I’ve said them outloud.  I said them 57 times yesterday.  I’m saying them right now while throwing confetti and giggling to myself as I type this.  Saying the Timberwolves have the #1 pick was about as much of a reality as pancakes being president.

Until yesterday.

Long live President Pancakes, because the MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES HAVE THE #1 PICK IN THE NBA DRAFT!

Who do we pick?  Do we take Jahlil Okafor?  Do we trade down and get D’Angelo Russell and another player?  What about that weird Eastern European guy whose name sounds like Portishead?  ARE YOU NUTS?!  We take Karl-Anthony Towns ten times out of ten. If Karl-Anthony Towns loses a leg, decides that Royce White is his spiritual advisor and insists on dressing like George Washington we STILL TAKE KARL-ANTHONY TOWNS!  Why?  I’m not Zach Lowe, but it’s pretty simple.  There are two potential franchise big men in the draft.  One is good at defense (Towns) and one guards the rim about as well as a Pomeranian guards a skyscraper (Okafor).  We are bad at defense.  Boom.  Towns!

Also, there’s this:

You had me at the quotation mark.

You had me at quotation marks.  Us Minnesotans are used to being shit on and snickered at.  This dude, whether he means it or not, just said all the right things.  He’s already fitting right in with Minnesotans.  Be super polite at first, push your pain and hatred deep down and then explode in uncontrollable rage seven years down the line.  THAT’S how we do it in Bunyon Town.

Now Flip just needs to draft the right player.  Minnesota has never drafted the wrong player before, right?  Who’s Steph Curry?  Never heard of him.

See you all on June 25th for the draft!

This is me if KG becomes the owner. Photo from lesterslegends.com

Great Sam Cassell’s head!  Kevin Garnett wants to buy the Wolves!

This must be what it’s like to dream of a fancy new step-dad.  Your current lame-ass dad likes to wear Cosby sweaters, forces you to mow the backyard for $1 a pop and keeps the house just together enough that it doesn’t get condemned.  Until Fancy New Step-Dad shows up.  He kicks Old Dad out and buys everybody an Escalade.  He hangs out with Jay Z and screams like a Braveheart warrior every time he eats a hamburger.  He’s perfect and makes everybody happy until the end of time.

These are only a few of the sky-high expectations I have for KG.  I know, it’s not realistic.  We don’t even know if he’d be a good owner type.  Look at some of the former NBA players who’ve made it into the front office:

  • Isiah Thomas – Destroyed teams from the inside out.  Basically was a more innocent-looking Clarence Thomas in short-shorts.  Shouldn’t advise a fork.
  • Larry Bird – Great front office guy with Indiana.  Uglier than Tom Petty.  Shorter shorts than Isiah.
  • Michael Jordan – Not a great owner, but everybody’s afraid to tell him.  Only a matter of time before he loses the team from a card game in Thailand.  Drafted Kwame Brown #1 in the draft.  (Read that last one 20 times.)
  • Michael Beasley – I believe he runs the 76ers.

It’s a messy, unpredictable transition, but who cares?  For all the bitching I’ve done on this blog, from the Kevin Love chicanery to the 500 injuries to human salamander David Kahn, no one is more responsible for our decade long irrelevance than owner Glen Taylor.  You can put all the spinning Sprewell rims on the car you want, but at it’s core it’s still a Dodge Omni full of mothballs.  Kevin Garnett is the weird new fancy hybrid car that runs on the pain of bitches and snitches.  It might catch fire and burn the garage down.  Or it might spew champagne from the radio right into your mouth, suckas!  I’m gonna go with blind, irrational optimism.  After all, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  MR. TAYLOR, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL AND GIVE KG THE TEAM!

We play the Pelicans tonight in the Big Easy.  This game hits a little close to home for me, because I’m on the road, forgot my razor and have a huge, freaky Anthony Davis unibrow.  Go Wolves!

Photo from blog.3dcart.com

Photo from blog.3dcart.com

Nobody’s ever been so happy to be 1-11!

Before the recent 121-120 win at Golden State, the Timberwolves were 0-11 in games decided by four points or less.  Imagine reaching into a box of donuts and eleven times in a row you accidentally grabbed dog poop.  Why are you still trying?  But then, boom!  12th time!  We got that sweet, sweet Eclair.  Party!  (Don’t eat it, it’s been touching poop.)

I’m in Iowa this weekend, so I had to watch the game on NBA TV.  While the “neutral” announcers didn’t come right out and say they were rooting for Golden State, they seemed a little perplexed that Minnesota exists as a state and a team.  Here’s my impression of the NBA TV announcers during nearly every Minnesota possession:

“Ricky Rubio, who was drafted before Stephen Curry, brings the ball up the court.  People say he’s good at dribbling but surely that’s only because he’s so bad at shooting, unlike Stephen Curry.”

“Future Laker Kevin Love gets the rebound.  Imagine how many boards he’ll get when he’s in a real market!”

“Nikita Petrovich sure is big for someone who nobody cares about.  Boy, he looks like the guy from Superman 2!  I’m the first person to think of that!”

“It’s -10 in Minneapolis right now.  Did you know it snowed there in May last year?  How do people live anywhere but California?  I heard they survive off of whale blubber and sleep inside of tauntuans like in “Empire Strikes Back”.

We get it, NBA.  Glen Taylor shouldn’t have illegally signed Joe Smith.  We’re sorry!  We don’t like Taylor either.  But it’s been almost 15 years!  Stop making the refs screw us on every play, stop making the announcers talk like the state of Minnesota is gross like Indiana and stop making fun of “Grumpy Old Men” (and to a lesser extent: “Grumpier Old Men”.)  I propose a deal:  We will convince Taylor, through some sort of mind-control, that he’s better off selling the team to Prince and you let us get to the playoffs.  We all remember the 2002 Kings/Lakers series.  We know you can do it.

Next up, the Timberwolves take part in the only front-office rivalry in the world:  Minnesota vs. Portland.  Come for LeMarcus Alridge vs. Kevin Love, stay for the passive-aggressive billionaire mud-pit!

Shabazz Mohammad. Photo from twincities.com

The Timberwolves’ #14 pick: Shabazz Muhammad. Photo from twincities.com

We suck at drafting.  Like super suck.  I was trying to think of an analogy like “We are the _____ of drafting” and then I realized it’s already right in front of me.  We are the Minnesota Timberwolves of drafting.  David Kahn, Flip Saunders, it doesn’t matter.  We treat each draft like it’s a meat raffle and yet we come home with Twinkies.

Positives first: We drafted guys with fantastically comic booky names Shabazz and Gorgui.  Too bad Magneto and Doctor Octopus were already taken.  In addition, Shabazz can be used as a verb like “Smurf”, as in “He goes up!  And yes!  With the SHABAZZ!” and  “You really shouldn’t Shabazz in public.”  Also, neither draft pick is white, which lowers our Cape Cod percentage to 85% bleached.  Phew!

Negatives: We could have had Trey Burke, arguably the best point guard in the draft.  Granted, we have 45 point guards, but in a weak draft like this you take what you can get.  Instead, we basically swapped for Michael Beasley with less talent.  Shabazz has allegedly lied about his age, sulked when a teammate scored a game-winning basketball instead of him and de-pantsed elderly people in public on their birthdays.  That last one might not be true, but that’s how poorly he’s being portrayed.

It really comes as no surprise if you pay attention to our history.  We’ve flubbed way more than we’ve hit.  Here are our top lottery pick selections since our very first year.  Try not to be blown away by the star-power:

1989 – Pooh Richardson #10 (Pooh!)

1990 – Felton Spencer #5 (Swing and a miss.)

1991 – Luc Longley #7 (An avocado tree could have played center for the Bulls and won those titles.)

1992 – Christian Laettner #3 (No comment necessary.)

1993 – Isaiah “J.R.” Rider #5 (Our first go-around with a mega-talented pile of shit.)

1994 – Donyell Marshall #4 (Who?)

1995 – Kevin Garnett #5 (YAY!! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer!  Good job, Wolves!)

1996 – Ray Allen #5 (YAY! A grand slam and a future Hall-Of-Famer!  Oh, wait.  Traded to Milwaukee.  For Stephon Marbury.  Feeling…sad…)

1999 – Wally Szczerbiak #6 (Pick traded From New Jersey.  Wayzata embodied in human form. If only his game stood up as much as his intensely gelled hair.)

2006 – Brandon Roy #6 (Traded to Portland.  Booo!  No, yay!  No, wait…I’m not sure.)

2007 – Corey Brewer #7 (Clank.)

2008 – O.J. Mayo #3 (Traded to Memphis for Kevin Love.  YAY!  Good job, Kevin McHale!  Maybe you aren’t so bad, after all.  Hey, where are you?)

2009 – Ricky Rubio #5 (Real-life anime teddy bear and hopefully the face of our franchise for years to come.  Either way, I could really use a Ricky Rubio “Change this face!” pick-me-up right now.)

2009 – Jonny Flynn #6 (Sucks so bad that his name tried to spell “no” several times.)

2010 – Wesley Johnson #4 (To this day, I’m partially convinced that Wesley Johnson was just a tall usher in the audience who got mistaken for an NBA player and drafted.)

2011 – Derrick Williams #2 (T.B.D. Best case scenario: We trade him for something.  Worst case scenario: Kevin Love breaks his knuckles on his face.  KABLAM!  CHA-POW!  SHABAZZ!)

2013 – Drafted Trey Burke #9, then traded him for the picks that became Shabazz Muhammad, Gorgui Dieng and Sassafras Tinklytoots.

2014- Grumpy Cat #1 and David Kahn #9?  Why not?

Grumpy Mike - Frighteningly, I swear to God this picture was taken before I'd even heard of Grumpy Cat.  Photo by Ryan Wisniewski

Grumpy Mike – Frighteningly, I swear to God this picture was taken before I’d even heard of Grumpy Cat. Photo by Ryan Wisniewski

Let’s face it, Wolves fans (those of you still out there) – It doesn’t matter who our GM or President or head coach is.  Glen Taylor is the owner and will be for a long, long time.  As long as he holds the reigns:  We.  Are.  Screwed.  Who’s really to blame?  The idiots and their idiot decisions?  Or the King Idiot who keeps hiring all the idiots?  Or the idiot like me who keeps watching?

Shabummer.

Foreshadowing by Flea? Photo from dimemag.com

Flea foreshadowing Shabazz’s 2015 panda smuggling prison stint. Photo from dimemag.com

Okay, Minnesota.  Let’s just prepare ourselves for the inevitable:

Kevin Love is not going to be here past 2015. 

He just signed a new contract with the Timberwolves and already he’s spouting off about the Timberwolves’ future.

This is why I love music.  “Abbey Road” never lets me down.  “Born To Run” never bitches about the records it’s surrounded by.  “London Calling” never insulted the temperature of my apartment and left for a warmer building.

Kevin Love at 60.

Kevin Love at 70. Photo from http://www.noisy.vice.com

You know what?  Fuck you, Los Angeles.  And fuck you, Miami.  Fuck you, Chicago and every single borough of New York.  Fuck the four towns that every basketball player wants to play in because it’s either warm or fancy.  What a bunch of pussies!  Oh, did your little toezy-woezies get cold?  Yeah, Minnesota is freezing.  So what?  You think Chicago’s wearing shorts in January?  New York’s snow is full of heroin.  How about standard of living?  Friendliness?  Murder rates?  Oh so bands play in LA?  You think you have the monopoly on the Foo Fighters, jackass?  And like Prince says (yeah, Prince…he still lives here!) the cold weather keeps the bad guys out.  So stick a giant purple androgynous guitar up your ass, big cities.

Oklahoma City, you don’t realize how lucky you are to have a class act like Kevin Durant.  You hold onto him and hold on tight and never let him go.  When he walks on the beach and is sad and asks why there’s only one set of footprints you tell him it’s because you carried him!

Okay.  Okay, I’m breathing deeply.  In, out, in, out.

Love’s comments about his future with Minnesota aren’t the end of the world .  We could make the playoffs this year and then be a 50 win team next year and then make the Western Conference Finals the next and maybe he’ll stay.  Damnit, why does this make me feel like an NBA wife who’s getting cheated on but won’t admit it?  “He loves me, he just gets frisky sometimes! I know I’m his favorite.”  Meanwhile, he’s making googly eyes at LA and trying to diddle Miami Beach.

But boy, all of this sure did make for an awkward game against the Denver Nuggets last night.  Especially since Love shot 3-17.  OOPS!  Not exactly the best way to prove you deserved more than 60 million, is it?

Minnesota loves you, Kevin Love.  We are willing to forgive this.  You already have a better team around you than KG did for most of his career.  Things are looking up.  Stop focusing on the negative, like our horrible owner and GM, the weather and the fact that our walls are harder than knuckles.  Okay?  Focus on the positive.  Minneapolis has one of the best art/theater/music/comedy scenes in the country.  We are the second highest rated bike-friendly city in the country (and that’s after being covered in snow half the year, too!)  Rachel Leigh Cook is from here and she used to be hot shit.  We are also very welcoming and forgiving of pampered rich kids from UCLA who punch walls and show up fat to training camp and complain after every call and suddenly can’t buy a free throw and are having a sub-par 2012-2013 season so far.

So you might like it here more than you think.

I yell because I love.

Don’t leave us, Kevin.  Los Angeles has herpes.