Posts Tagged ‘god hates ugly’

darko-milicic

I’m convinced that God hates Minnesota.

Maybe it’s because we have a town named Odin?  Maybe he hates the Mall Of America because having four magnet stores is the modern day Tower of Babel?  Maybe he thinks Atmosphere is wack?  All I know is that the Minnesota Timberwolves are 27-16 right now and we can’t jinx this shit by acting like we’re all fancy pants.

Whenever a Minnesotan thinks we’re doing all right, we get the rug pulled out from under us.  Think 2004 Wolves, think 2016 Vikings, think season 2 of the TV show “Vikings”, think Prince after the Batman soundtrack because fight me that shit was awesome, think me in yoga class when I finally got crow pose and then fell on my face and possibly farted.  We haven’t had this good of a record since I had hair and I’ve been bald for a really long time.  If we screw this season up I’m gonna lose my eyebrows from stress and then how am I supposed to act surprised when Shabazz Muhammad passes the ball?

So I’m gonna take one for the team.  Literally.

We suck.

We deserve to lose and surely this is not reverse psychology towards God and the universe.  Jimmy Butler?  Dude’s horrible.  We’d be better off with that Finnish guy who looks like Screech.  Karl-Anthony Towns plays Twitch so much because he’s trying to drown out the voices that tell him to strangle baby ducks.  Andrew Wiggins is the Defensive Player Of The Year (<— reverse psychology inside of reverse psychology, bitches!) and has a really gross smile.  Taj Gibson is LAZY.  Tyus Jones is actually from Des Moines.  Jamal Crawford is afraid to shoot because all of his tattoos are fake and they might smudge off when he moves.  Jeff Teague voted for Trump.  Gorgui Dieng’s arms are physically incapable of leaving his hips while running (this one’s actually true).  Marcus Georges-Hunt hates “Gorgeous Gorgui” because he thinks HIS nickname should be “Gorgeous Georges”, which does make more sense phonetically, but SCREW THAT LOCKER ROOM POISONER!  Belly doesn’t shovel his sidewalk in the winter and just puts down salt that hurts your dogs.  Cole Aldrich hates “Mighty Ducks”.  Aaron Brooks puts “Smooth Move” herbal laxative tea in Shabazz Muhammad’s Gatorade and it doesn’t matter because Shabazz plays three minutes a game.  Justin Patton and Anthony Brown are conspiracy theories made up by Kyrie Irving.  Tom Thibodeau is just a tree stump that someone drew a face on.  And all Timberwolves fans think Nikola Jokic is better than Towns, miss David Kahn and Kurt Rambis dearly and can’t wait until the most exciting thing at the Target Center is the Cherry Berry give-away again.

Phew.

You’re welcome.

Up next we play the Knicks in Minneapolis, where we’ll surely lose because we really screwed up by getting rid of Michael Beasley.

GO KNICKS!