Posts Tagged ‘golden state warriors’

 

WarriorsFan1

A Golden State Warriors fan celebrates having finally sold all his Miami Heat gear. Photo from media.10news.com

Fuck Golden State Warriors fans.

Warriors fans outside of California are like Canadians who tip. ¬†They don’t exist. ¬†These fake posers didn’t even know who the Warriors were until Dell Curry’s and Mychal Thompson’s sons showed up. ¬†Wherever¬†I go now I see every damn person¬†wearing Golden State gear as if that¬†beanie weren’t a Lakers one five years ago, a Heat one three years ago, a Cavs one two years ago. ¬†Hey jerky, I got a safe team for you to sport: ¬†Check out the Harlem Globetrotters. ¬†They never lose!

And fuck Kevin Durant.

You don’t join the team that beat you. ¬†Michael Jordan didn’t join the Pistons in 1989. ¬†I didn’t join the people who depantsed me everyday in 3rd grade, pulling down my own pants trying to get approval just because I wanted to be on “the winning team”. ¬†No. ¬†I suffered alone and then carried all my baggage into my 30s, because that’s¬†what adults do!

But fuck Golden State Warriors fans even more.

Seriously, you’re gonna act like this is “your team”? ¬†Name one player that played for that sorry-sack team after Run TMC and before Babyface McGrossmouthguardchew. ¬†And if you don’t know who Run TMC is ¬†I swear I will find you and slap¬†the Hatchimal out of your hands because you are 12 and I am threatened by youth!

And fuck Kevin Durant again.

When did this whole “I just have a favorite player” thing start? ¬†What a gutless way to always be winning. ¬†I’m a Timberwolves fan until I die (or Glen Taylor accidentally sells them to another state for more Cosby sweaters). Being a Timberwolves fan is grueling, confusing and disheartening. ¬†We are the most excited we’ve been in 13 years and we’re 11 games under .500. ¬†Jared from Subway is going to get out of prison before we make the playoffs. ¬†But damnit, this is our TEAM. ¬†We don’t jump ship. ¬†We support our team and hang tight until that special moment when we’re 95 on our deathbeds and all the marine life in the world has died and the air looks like the sky from “The Matrix”¬†and Vince Carter is finally retiring and we say “Did the Timberwolves make the playoffs yet? ¬†No? ¬†Okay good, I don’t like change” and then we die.

WarriorsFan2

Next up we play the Warriors at home on Friday.  Fuck you posers!

GO WOLVES!

 

Photo from layovertips.com/

Photo from layovertips.com/

The Minnesota Timberwolves are ass-backwards right now. ¬†4-0 on the road and 0-3 at home. ¬†My first instinct is to burn the Target Center down, but I’m pretty sure it’s full of 1989 asbestos and Tony Campbell’s spare tires. ¬†We can’t risk poisoning Prince on the one day a year¬†he goes out to buy purple shoes.

It’s all perfectly explainable.

November 2 against the Portland Trailblazers –¬†

Even Blazers fans know the referees screwed us. ¬†OJ’s verdict made more sense. ¬†We can only hope that the Blazers end up stealing some sports memorabilia, go to prison for 20 years and write a book called “If We Did It – The Story Of Paying The Refs”. ¬†Glen Taylor must have dry-humped Adam Silver’s mom at the sweetheart’s¬†dance in 1916 to warrant this kind of hate.

November 5 against the Miami Heat –¬†

Sam Mitchell played Rubio, Towns and Wiggins a total of negative three minutes that game.  Dwayne Wade had 150 points.  Goran Dragic summoned Veles, the Slovenian dragon god of cattle and trickery, to intercede and make us forget how to play basketball.  Tom Brady deflated our balls.

November 7 against the Charlotte Hornets –

We didn’t have Rubio, Wiggins or KG in the line-up. ¬†We also had to go up against Jeremy Lin and his giant, cartoonish¬†fauxhawk, which should be illegal because it gives him three feet more space to flop with. ¬†Lin is a devout Christian. ¬†Well, buddy, the Ninth Commandment says “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” ¬†And according to this Wikipedia page I just read, the punishment for bearing false witness was having the same thing done back to you. ¬†So…I guess if you’re a good Christian you will come back to Minneapolis and let 30 people pretend to get hit in the head by you. ¬†That’ll show you!

“Finish him!” Photo from chocolateinformed.com

Next up we play Golden State Warriors at home. Oh boy. ¬†Nothing says breaking a home losing streak like playing arguably the most dominant team since the ’96 Bulls. ¬†Veles, be with us!

Great¬†Sprewell’s spinning rims! ¬†The Minnesota Timberwolves are healthy! ¬†We haven’t been injury-free since Troy Hudson’s first rap album. ¬†I don’t know what this feeling is. ¬†For the last umpteenth years we’ve been able to blame everything on injuries. ¬†Lost a game? ¬†Ricky hurt his ankle. ¬†Didn’t make the playoffs? ¬†Kevin Love broke his hand. ¬†Didn’t find a parking spot at the Target Center? ¬†Oliver Miller wrecked¬†himself pooping.

But now we’re uninjured. ¬†And the irony is it’s probably going to hurt us. ¬†I’m convinced that we are a slightly below .500 team when healthy. ¬†However, there is a person named¬†Jahlil Okafor that we want and we need loser-loser lottery¬†ping-pong balls to get him. ¬†What to do? ¬†How do we tank without looking blatantly sad and lonely like Philadelphia?

I have a few secretly sad and lonely ideas:

This bastard better be good. Photo from cbssports.com

This bastard better be good. Photo from cbssports.com

1) Play Zach LaVine a bunch –¬†¬†Zach LaVine is the “Beats By Dre” of basketball. ¬†He looks good,¬†but when you hit play it’s just a bunch of expensive rattling. ¬†LaVine holds onto the ball about as well as a newborn golden retriever with a wet bar of soap. ¬†Statistics have shown that we’d play better with a makeup-less, pantless Gene Simmons than Zach LaVine. ¬†We get points for building hype/fanbase with Zach’s crazy jumping and get one ping-pong ball closer to a¬†number one pick that’s not from Canada. ¬†Win-win. ¬†And by that I mean losing.

2) ¬†Drug Flip Saunders on the bench –¬†Not like a ton. ¬†I don’t want any accidental overdoses here. ¬†But look at Flip’s eyes. ¬†You can’t tell me he doesn’t eat a brick of weed at least twice a week. ¬†Put some salvia in his Gatorade cup. ¬†That stuff’s supposed to make you go bat-shit for five minutes at a time. ¬†Perfect! ¬†Just enough to mess up a few plays here and there and spoil the game. ¬†Maybe we’ll even get some bonus video of a half-there Flip pawing at Sam Mitchell’s face “Face-Off” style.

3) Falsely accuse owner Glen Taylor of being senile and imprison him in a 50s style insane asylum¬†– Taylor will live out the rest of his days drooling, playing checkers with¬†David Kahn and being forced to watch draft footage of him selecting Jonny Flynn over Steph Curry until the apocalypse comes. ¬†This actually won’t make our team any worse but I just think it’s something that he deserves.

Two games ago we played the best team in the league, Atlanta.  Then we played the second best team, Golden State.  Next we play the 1992 Dream Team, Pac-Man after eating his roid pills and Jesus.  Go Wolves!

Photo from blog.3dcart.com

Photo from blog.3dcart.com

Nobody’s ever been so happy to be 1-11!

Before the recent 121-120 win at Golden State, the Timberwolves were 0-11 in games decided by four points or less.¬† Imagine reaching into a box of donuts and eleven times in a row you accidentally grabbed dog poop.¬† Why are you still trying?¬† But then, boom!¬† 12th time!¬† We got that sweet, sweet Eclair.¬† Party!¬† (Don’t eat it, it’s been touching poop.)

I’m in Iowa this weekend, so I had to watch the game on NBA TV.¬† While the “neutral” announcers didn’t come right out and say they were rooting for Golden State, they seemed a little perplexed that Minnesota exists as a state and a team.¬† Here’s my impression of the NBA TV announcers during nearly every Minnesota possession:

“Ricky Rubio, who was drafted before Stephen Curry, brings the ball up the court.¬† People say he’s good at dribbling but surely that’s only because he’s so bad at shooting, unlike Stephen Curry.”

“Future Laker Kevin Love gets the rebound.¬† Imagine how many boards he’ll get when he’s in a real market!”

“Nikita Petrovich sure is big for someone who nobody cares about.¬† Boy, he looks like the guy from Superman 2!¬† I’m the first person to think of that!”

“It’s -10 in Minneapolis right now.¬† Did you know it snowed there in May last year?¬† How do people live anywhere but California?¬† I heard they survive off of whale blubber and sleep inside of tauntuans like in “Empire Strikes Back”.

We get it, NBA.¬† Glen Taylor shouldn’t have illegally signed Joe Smith.¬† We’re sorry!¬† We don’t like Taylor either.¬† But it’s been almost 15 years!¬† Stop making the refs screw us on every play, stop making the announcers talk like the state of Minnesota is gross like Indiana and stop making fun of “Grumpy Old Men” (and to a lesser extent: “Grumpier Old Men”.)¬† I propose a deal:¬† We will convince Taylor, through some sort of mind-control, that he’s better off selling the team to Prince and you let us get to the playoffs.¬† We all remember the 2002 Kings/Lakers series.¬† We know you can do it.

Next up, the Timberwolves take part in the only front-office rivalry in the world:  Minnesota vs. Portland.  Come for LeMarcus Alridge vs. Kevin Love, stay for the passive-aggressive billionaire mud-pit!

Earlier this week I made my totally well-researched Eastern Conference predictions.¬† Today it’s time for the “it’s-not-freaking-fair-that-the-Timberwolves-are-in-this-stupid-tough-ass-conference-a-goddamn-glob-of-coconut-oil-could-make-the-Eastern-Conference-playoffs” Western Conference predictions:

1) Oklahoma City Thunder – Half of me thinks I’m an idiot for picking them #1. The other half thinks that there’s no way a team with a healthy and angry Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook combo can’t tear the league up regardless of who else is on the team.¬† OKC is the USA of the Western Conference. Sure, stats and logic will tell you that they’re #4 or #5 realistically.¬† But we all know they’re really #1.¬† USA! USA! USA!

2) San Antonio Spurs – I’m still pissed that they didn’t win the title last year.¬† These guys manage to somehow be injury-ridden, old and immortal all at the same time.¬† Somewhere there’s a picture of Dorian Gray with Duncan, Ginobli and Parker scribbled into the corner.¬† (There wasn’t room for David Robinson.)

3) Golden State Warriors – Everybody gives the Timberwolves shit for drafting Jonny Flynn instead of Steph Curry.¬† Here’s the thing that people don’t know: Steph Curry is a Satanist.¬† Yeah, he sacrifices baby goats for Satan. Look, I know this hasn’t gotten a lot of press, but it’s true.¬† Sure, we could have drafted him and had the most exciting frontcourt in the league with Rubio/Curry, but then we would have had a practicing disciple of hell on our team.¬† No thanks.

4) Los Angeles Clippers – Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see any of these top four teams in the Finals.¬† But I picked the Clippers below Golden State for two very important reasons.¬† 1) They’re the Clippers 2) I can’t stand those stupid Chris & Cliff Paul State Farm commercials.¬† Really?¬† You guys are “born to assist” and you become a fancy-pants basketball player and a freakin’ car insurance salesman?¬† Look out Mother Theresa!

5) Houston Rockets – Nobody will ever win a championship with Dwight Howard.

6) Memphis Grizzlies – I want these guys to be higher, but the coach firing worries me.¬† Their stadium is nicknamed the “Grindhouse” though, and that’s awesome.¬† It makes me feel like Napalm Death and Anal C#$% are going to come out and vomit all over the opposing team at any moment.¬† Is that just me?

7) Minnesota Timberwolves – Yeah, I’m a homer.¬† But I feel like I’m being very fair with #7 here.¬† Two years in a row we were on course to make the playoffs and then…injuries. This year, Chase Budinger is already hurt.¬† But that’s a minor thing and he’ll be back shortly.¬† So if things just stay the course, we can do this.¬† Please God?¬† Can we please make the playoffs?¬† I forgot what it’s like to care about a basketball game after April.¬† Please stop Satan’s minion, Steph Curry, and help us!

8) Dallas Mavericks – They won the championship in 2011, right?¬† How can that be?¬† That feels like a million years ago. They gambled their roster after the championship year to get Deron Williams and/or Dwight Howard and fell short on both.¬† Instead, they got Monta Ellis.¬† A guy who makes Brandon Jennings look like John Stockton.¬† My favorite addition by far is Renaldo Balkman.¬† How great is it that Renaldo Balkman is on the same team as the Mavs 2nd greatest player of all time, Rolando Blackman?¬† That’s like the Bulls picking up a player called “Scobbie Pipplen.”

—————————————

9) New Orleans Pelicans – I love that they’re Pelicans!¬† Best Mascot ever!¬† Give them a year or two to stretch their huge, disgusting wings and they’ll be a good team.

10) Denver Nuggets – I don’t even know who’s on this team anymore.¬† Talk about the definition of imploding.

11) Portland Trailblazers РThese guys might end up higher on this list than where I have them, but they traded us Martell Webster when they knew he was hurt.  Screw them.

12) Sacramento Kings – It’s not a good sign when your best player has the mental maturity of 4th grader who’s been grounded from Xbox.

DeMarcus Cousins addressing the press in the preseason.  Photo from bp.blogspot.com

DeMarcus Cousins before a game this preseason. Photo from bp.blogspot.com

13) Los Angeles Lakers – I had a dream last night that the Lakers moved to San Diego.¬† I’m no Miss Cleo but I think this is a prophecy.¬† Maybe they aren’t moving down to “America’s Finest City,” but they’re definitely headed south in the wins department.¬† Ding dong, the witch tore her achilles tendon!

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

14) Utah Jazz – Trey Burke is going to be the Damien Lillard of this year.¬† Except he’ll be on one of the worst teams in the league.¬† And he won’t be able to drink caffeine, smoke cigarrettes or have pre-marital sex with any of his nine girlfriends.

15) Phoenix Suns – Hey, they have twins on their team.¬† That’s neat.

Predicted NBA champion – Miami Heat.¬† It pains me to say it, but who’s going to stop them?¬† At least the Lakers will suck.

The Timberwolves’ season opener is Wednesday, October 30th, at home against Orlando.¬† Let’s go Wolves!

My name is Mike Brody and I’m a diehard Minnesota Timberwolves fan.

That really feels like an AA introduction.¬† Actually, being a Wolves fan is a lot like being an alcoholic. Years of crying, frustration, denial and blame followed by moments of clarity and giving up.¬† Then the relapses.¬† “This year’s going to be different!”¬† Sure it is.¬† Just keep telling yourself that while you pee your pants at Denny’s.

So for the sake of my sanity, I needed an outlet to vent about the highs and lows of being a fan of the boys in blue.  But mostly the lows.

Dear God, the lows.

Remember 2004?¬† Wasn’t that a great year?¬† We were so happy then.¬† We made the Western Conference Finals and then lost to a Lakers team that had a 65 year old Karl Malone on it.¬† Even our best memory sucks.

As I type this we are already eight games into the 2012-2013 NBA season and the Timberwolves are 5-3. Technically, we are massively over-achieving, even with the soft schedule.¬† And yet our injuries are almost at a maliciously bad level.¬† Five out of our top six players are hurt. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Here’s an incredibly brief run-down of each game of the season and my corresponding emotion:

Fri Nov 2 – vs. Sacramento Kings W 92-80 – Excitement
Sun Nov 4 – @ Toronto Rapters L 86-105 – Disappointment
Mon Nov 5 – @ Brooklyn Nets W 107-96 – Delighted shock
Wed Nov 7 – vs. Orlando Magic W 90-75 – Contentment
Fri Nov 9 – vs. Indiana Pacers W 96-94 – (Brandon Roy goes down with an injury) Worried but optimistic
Sat Nov 10 – @ Chicago Bulls L 80-87 – (Chase Budinger goes down with an injury) Panic
Mon Nov 12 – @ Dallas Mavericks W 90-82 – (Nikola Pekovic goes down with an injury) Incredulous exasperation
Wed Nov 14 – vs Charlotte Bobcats L 87-89 – Depression with a touch of understanding

Which brings us to tonight’s home game against the Golden State Warriors.¬† Who else can get injured?¬† Do we even have enough people for a game?¬† Can Crunch play in his mascot suit?¬† What are the odds of Jack Sikma straining his taint while reaching for a clipboard?

God, grant the Timberwolves the serenity to accept the things they cannot change (injuries), the courage to change the things they can (Derrick Williams) and the wisdom to know the difference (please win).  Peace.

The Timberwolves’ history summed up in one picture (AP Photo/Gregory Smith)