Posts Tagged ‘indiana pacers’

Darren Collison, Karl-Anthony Towns

(AP Photo/Jim Mone)

Well, that was some sad sack shit.

The Minnesota Timberwolves just got their nipples handed to them 130-107 by the headless husk of the Indiana Pacers, without Myles Turner, at HOME.  There are few words that accurately describe how embarrassing and disheartening this loss was.  Discommodious?  Unpropitious?  Timberwolvesian?

Yeah, we didn’t have Jimmy Butler, who was out with an upper respiratory illness and with our luck will be dead by Friday.  However, that doesn’t account for how bad we were without ONE player.  If we are going to make the Western Conference Playoffs for the first time since “The Notebook” was released in theaters, then we cannot lose games like this.  We have to be perfect from now on.  We have to go back in time and win every single game since 1989.  We have to steal Michael Beasley’s weed, convince Stephon Marbury that Minneapolis is China and then sign David Kahn up for adoption to Charles Lindberg circa 1912 or whenever he was born.  That’s how perfect we have to be.

How is it that year after year, no matter who the players or coaches are, we are still the same lousy Timberwolves?  We are like the town from “It”, where the faces change but the clown remains the same.  There were actually boos at the Target Center last night.  Do you know how hard it is to make Minnesotans boo?  We would rather cut off our fingers and put them in our lutefisk than show emotion in public.  All of our emoticons on our phones are the same blank face.  We booed these punks.  I’m pretty sure someone from St. Cloud is self-flagellating themselves in a closet right now for expressing sentiment in public.

emoticon

The all-purpose, all-emotion emoticon of Minnesota.

Some of our bandwagon fans this year are probably wondering how us Minnesotans deal with all this year in and year out?  Here’s five quick, easy steps:

  1. Displace your anger –  Push it way, way down.  Don’t address it mentally or verbally.  Let it come out sideways towards your co-workers when they take too long at the copier.
  2. Get depressed – It’s gonna happen anyway due to lack of sunlight and vitamin D during the winter, so why not blame it on things that are out of your control like grown men who can’t achieve mediocrity at the sport they’re paid to play?
  3. Eat – Get fat.  Get real fat.
  4. Next year – Oh man, we’re gonna be good next year.

We play again tonight against the Pistons in Detroit.  Jimmy Butler is out again (RIP J-Buckets).  Let’s win this shit so we can all pretend, in true Minnesota fashion, like last night didn’t happen and everything’s fine.  Repress, rinse, repeat.

GO WOLVES!!!

52

52 is a magical number.

It’s how old Axl Rose is.

It’s the highway in Minnesota where that creepy refinery/supervillain hideout is.

It’s how many Chicken McNuggets it takes for me to overdose and barf in the bathtub.

It’s also how many points goddamn Mo Williams had last night for the Timberwolves.  A new franchise record AND the highest point total from anyone in the NBA this year.  I missed the game and thought it was a typo when I saw the box score.  52 points sounds more like the total score for the team or the number of turnovers Zach LaVine had.  Nope.  Mo Williams.  Baller.

What got into Mo?  I’m fairly certain he graduated with Axl Rose.  He shouldn’t be putting up career/franchise highs at this point.  The answer is easy: We suck and somebody’s got to score!

And boy did he score.  From everywhere.  Mo made shots from feet behind the three point line.  He threw hook shots from the fifth row.  He had a no-look from Lickety Split down the street in full bondage gear.  He even scored in the opponents baskets’, traveled back in time, knocked the balls out of the rim and then scored again in our hoop, just for the fuck of it.  “Fourth dimension, bitch,” Mo was heard whispering to C.J. Watson.

It also ended our 15 game losing streak.  What’s better?  Winning a few extra and saving our dignity or going full-tank and getting the #1 pick in the draft?  Personally, it doesn’t matter to me.  I’m having fun watching the young guys like Wiggins and Muhammad.  A Rookie Of The Year and a Slam Dunk Champion will make this year just fine with me.  I’m from Iowa.  I’m used to being irrelevant.

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix on Friday.  Can the Suns hold on to their status as perennial “good enoughs”?  Will Mo get 53?  Let’s ride this one-game winning streak baby!

I’m depressed.

This season has sucked ass.  Two years ago sucked, but it was the beginning of hope.  A year ago sucked, but we hadn’t all played together yet.  This season just feels like time slipping away.  Next year Kevin Love can opt out after the season and what’s to keep him from doing it?

Well, there’s only one way for a true upper Midwesterner to combat depression that doesn’t involve a bathtub and a toaster: Pure, unadulterated passive-aggressive shit-talking.  Strap in, this one’s gonna get bitter.

My top ten least favorite NBA teams and why:

10) Boston Celtics – Last summer I read a comment from a Boston fan on a sports page that said “It’s going to be really hard to see Kevin Garnett playing in a different jersey.”  Oh really, Boston?  We had him for 12 versus your six.  Cry us a goddamn river.  Then freeze it, cut a hole in it, stick your head in it and get kicked in your drunk, freckly ass.

9) Indiana Pacers – I’ll admit, this has more to do with the actual state than this team.  The team itself is impressively put together and has a shot at the championship this year.  But the state is full of peach-fuzz mustachioed racists, unnecessary toll-booths and enthusiastic inbreeding.  This is the state that brought us the town of Gary.  Have you ever seen the movie “Hoosiers”?  That movie is actually set in 2014 Indiana.

8) Washington Wizards – This is the Island Of Misfits Toys for basketball players if you added guns and made all the toys completely unlikeable.  The only bright spot is that my friend John Conroy is a Wizards fan for some reason and was in this Gilbert Arenas commercial.

7) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, you could watch two NBA teams regularly: The Chicago Bulls on WGN or the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.  The choice was obvious: The greatest team/player ever or the soul-sucking echo chamber that was the Omni Center.  I’m pretty sure Dominique Wilkins played his entire prime in front of four bribed fans who may have actually been the janitors.

6) Miami Heat – The trust-fund kids of the NBA. I’ve never met a current Miami Heat fan who knows who Willie Burton or Bimbo Coles is.  I miss the days when the thought of Miami brought up images of Gloria Estefan or killing a hooker and taking your money back on “Grand Theft Auto – Vice City.”

5) Houston Rockets – ARGH!  Nothing pisses me off more than a team that takes like one year to rebuild!  You’re supposed to do it like us: lose the 2004 Western Conference Finals, eventually trade your superstar for peanuts, suck for ten years, start to show glimmers of hope and then potentially lose your new superstar to a forced trade/free agency.  Repeat.  Also, their jerseys are McDonald’s uniforms.

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jersey. Photo from foodrepublic.com

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jerseys. Photo from foodrepublic.com

4) Bill Simmons Yeah, he’s not a team but he’s such a piece of shit that I had to include him.  I used to like Boston until this elitist prick homer started blabbering about.  He sucks on-air and the only time he’ll write now is about how great the fucking Eagles are.  The Eagles are the Indiana of music!  And the ONLY time he mentions Minnesota is to talk massive shit for no real reason that I can discern other than that it’s cold here.  I’d rather have a frozen lake than three million Marky Marks, dickweed.

GIF from img.gawkerassets.com

3) Utah Jazz – Worst. Announcers. Ever.  There are homers and then there are the douchebag Jazz announcers.  I remember watching an inconsequential game a few years back and Paul Millsap (who is now an Atlanta Hawk) had a decent game.  The announcers preened and swooned about him and gushed that “Paul Millsap should bronze the ball to remember this game forever!”  Bronze MY balls, and put them on your face.  I hope you enjoyed the 90s, Utah, because Malone-Stockton will never happen again.

2) Portland Trailblazers – The Blazers are our arch-nemesis.  Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “That dude definitely roofies people.”  That’s Portland.

1) Los Angeles Lakers –

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

And the big Kevin Love better not go to LA Exhibit C

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.  Maybe they’ll remember they’re supposed to be the Sixers this year and we’ll win!

I think this map might overestimate the pull of the Minnesota Timberwolves' fanbase. Photo from hdwallpapers3d.com

Oh sweet, we get Wyoming! Photo from hdwallpapers3d.com

Hot damn, it’s NBA time again!

This season is full of question marks after last season’s screwball bowling injuries and salsa dancing controversies.  And that was just Andrew Bynum!  The only seemingly sure thing is the Miami Heat.  But much like Pat Riley’s perfectly coiffed, unmoving Lego hair, it feels like the whole thing could come tumbling down if all the pieces aren’t perfectly placed.

So, without further ado, my surely on-the-nose predictions for the 2013-2014 season.  Starting with the slightly improved from last year Eastern Conference:

1) Miami Heat – What can I say?  They’re the new LA Lakers. They’re monsters and even though losing Mike Miller makes them just a titch less good than last year, there still seems to be no end in sight to their domination.  That’s not even considering the low-risk, high-reward signings of Michael Beasley and Greg Oden.  And you can just forget about LeBron going back to Cleveland next year.  That’s like Miley Cyrus going back to Hannah Montana.  It’s too late.  We’ve already see your molly.

2) Chicago Bulls – Derrick Rose’s knee is either going to win a championship or explode like a pinata filled with liberals at an NRA convention.  Being a Timberwolves fan, my inclination is to believe that all injuries that can happen, will happen.  So in my mind, Derrick Rose has three weeks before a Looney Tunes anvil falls on him or he runs off a cliff.  Good luck, Chicago!  Bring an umbrella and don’t look down.

3) Indiana Pacers – I want to like the Indiana Pacers.  They’re a good team.  But they’re unfortunately located in the most wretched, backwards state in the union.  I got my car window busted out there for no reason other than that they were jealous that I was able to leave.  I would rather drink out of a BP oil slick than watch some angry hoosier talk with their peach-fuzz mustaches flapping and their John Cougar Mellancamp blasting.  “Little ditty, ’bout Jack and Diane…” Kill me.

4) Brooklyn Nets – Another team I want to like, but just don’t see it happening.  The Grim Reaper is coming for Kevin Garnett’s career this year.  Mark my words!  That dude has had a phenomenal run (his best statistical years were here in MN!) but I just believe that he’s going to be crestfallen and brittle this year. By the way, it’s been pathetic hearing Boston Celtics fans go “It’ll be so hard to see Kevin Garnett in another jersey!”  Oh yeah?  Cry me a river, Paddy.  Ask MN what that’s like!  At least you guys got a title out of it.  And you don’t get to mourn a player whose name you can’t even fully pronounce.  “Gahhhhhnett! Don’t leave, Gahhhhhhnet!”

5) New York Knicks – Here’s the problem: No way Carmelo Anthony is having that good of a season two years in a row.  Amare Stoudemire makes Greg Oden look like Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable.”  And they just signed a guy who couldn’t get decent stats in Toronto.  With Metta World Peace in the picture now, maybe the Knicks can relive some of those psychotic Charles Oakley/Anthony Mason “Sometimes we play basketball while we’re destroying souls” days.  Could Anthony Mason even raise his arms above his head?

Anthony Mason during the Knicks' 90s heyday.  Photo from comicvine.com

Anthony Mason’s 1995 Knicks team photo. Photo from comicvine.com

6) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, there were literally only two NBA teams you could watch regularly.  The Chicago Bulls on WGN and the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.  One had the greatest player of all time and rattled off six championships.  The other had an average of 10 fans in the stadium who accidentally stumbled in because they thought it was monster truck night.  Even with ‘Nique, the choice was obvious.  Water-polo in the North Pole has more fans.

7) Washington Wizards – It’s troubling that Emeka Okafor is already out indefinitely, but this is definitely a team on the rise.  John Wall hasn’t quite made the leap to superstar level, and this is the year he needs to do it.  If they can get Okafor back eventually and stay healthy otherwise, they should make the playoffs.  And poor Glen Rice Jr. has so much to live up to. His dad was an NBA all-star AND had sex with Sarah Palin. Maybe Jr. should try Michele Bachmann?

8) Detroit Pistons – There is a glimmer of hope in Detroit.  Andre Drummond, Greg Monroe, Josh Smith, Brandon Jennings, Chauncey Billups, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope III Esquire Jr.  The Pistons look great in theory!  Unfortunately, so did a stripper party at Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s house.  Thank you Detroit, for making Minnesota feel better about electing Jesse Ventura.  But I’m not going to rain on Detroit’s parade too much.  I’m rooting for them in the East.

—————————————

9) Cleveland Cavaliers – Any team relying on Andrew Bynum will fall short.

10) Milwaukee Bucks –  The Bucks made the playoffs last year with a losing record.  I’m almost positive it was on accident, because they ended up missing the lottery because of it.  The good news is, since Wisconsin is a football state, nobody will notice when they become the Seattle Supersonics.

11) Toronto Raptors – Basketball in Canada.  Need I say more?

12) Boston Celtics – Unlike the Lakers, the Celtics are used to dipping down into Awful Town for a few years.  They’ll get make it back eventually in ten years or so.

13) Charlotte Bobcats – The Minnesota Timberwolves won 22, 24 and 15 in the years that Al Jefferson played with us.  Why do the Bobcats think that Al Jefferson is their answer when they have an arguably worse team than we did?  Because they’re actually deceptively tanking to get Andrew Wiggins in the draft but don’t want to look like they’ve given up.  Well played, Charlotte.  Give me a call when you’re the Hornets again.

14) Orlando Magic – Hey, when I kept getting rejected for the prom I just stopped trying.  Take a hint, Orlando.  You’re screwed.

15) Philadelphia 76ers – I’m surprised the 76ers are even attempting to put basketball players in. I don’t recall a team giving up so completely as this one.  Two pizza dudes, my grandma and an unmanned kayak could beat this team.  Contender #1 for the “Riggin’ for Wiggins” sweepstakes.

That’s it for the Eastern Conference. Stay tuned for my predictions for the less depressing and infuriatingly tough Western Conference!