Posts Tagged ‘injuries’

Ricky Rubio is an amazing player.  He also gets hurt more than Chevy Chase as President Ford on SNL.  Rubio hasn’t played a game in over two months and currently is planning a tailbone break in March.

I’m not mad at him.  If anything, it made me wonder what the poor guy’s been up lately?  Here are the seven things sources say Rubioops loves to do when he’s not falling down, twisting his ankle or tearing an ACL while twisting his ankle:

1)  Laying around in open shirts that match all of his pillows:


“Hey girl. This chest pelt took me 15 years to grow.” Photo from

2) Catching flies with his bare hands:

"I call this fly Kevin Love."

“I’m the #2 flycatcher in Espana after Pau Gasol’s beard!” Photo from

3) Looking at cameras like “Whaaaat?”:

"Whaaaaaat?" Photo from

“Whaaaaaat?” Photo from

4) Snapping the necks of basketballs that he pretends are David Kahn for making him live in Minnesota:

"Damn you Basketballhead Kahn!" Photo from

“Damn you Basketballhead Kahn! I have to salt my salt to get to my mailbox!” Photo from

5) Pretending he needs to shave more than once a year:

"I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!" Photo from

“I have a secret: The blades are made of yarn. My beard falls out when I get sad!” Photo from

6) Ummmm…resting his head inside of a piece of lettuce:

"Setting my head on a pile of lettuce gives my broken limbs time to heal without disruption!" Photo from

“It’s an ancient Spanish secret: Setting your head on a pile of lettuce gives your broken limbs time to heal without disruption! Plus, no carbs!” Photo from

7) Being meticulously stalked and possibly murdered by this woman:

"Please help me.  I've been locked in her basement for two weeks now." Photo from

“Please help me. I’ve been locked in her basement for two weeks now.  She makes me watch ‘Misery’ while I bobble my head.” Photo from

Next up we play the Celtics in Boston on Wednesday.  If it’s canceled due to the snowstorm we should get the win automatically.  Minnesotans don’t cancel anything for snow, unless it’s because there’s not enough snow.  Go Wolves!  Let’s beat those frost-bitten gingers!

The NBA Rookie Game bench. Photo from

The NBA Rookie Game bench. Photo from

Man, that’s rough news about Milwaukee’s Jabari Parker tearing his ACL.  I can’t remember a more injury laden rookie class in NBA history.  And that’s including when everybody wore cardboard Chuck Taylor’s and smoked cigarettes during games.  Seven out of the top eleven picks are out with injuries right now, many for the entire season.  What’s going on, Generation Y?  If Steve Nash and Tim Duncan can play through dialysis then you should make it when you’re still not old enough to rent a car.

It’s really a short, small race for Rookie of the Year right now.  Minnesota’s Andrew Wiggins, who I believed would eventually get ROY, is now the clear favorite.  He’s followed closely behind by KJ McDaniels.  However, KJ McDaniels plays for the Philadelphia 76ers.  Technically someone has to score and do things for them.  He’s like a kangaroo boxer.  Technically he’s doing what he’s supposed to do but only because someone shoved him out there.

Who else is realistically in the running?  Here’s my top ten:

1) Andrew Wiggins – I might be a homer, but he’s a future star for sure.  Right now he’s like the J-Lo of basketball.  Sorta good at everything but not great at any one thing.  In 3-5 years he’ll be the Beyoncé of basketball.  Which I think means he’ll be a Brooklyn Net?

2) KJ McDaniels – He plays for the Sixers.  Call me when you’re a real boy on a real team, Pinocchio.

3) Elfrid Payton – I would pay anything to have my name be “Elf”.  Elf Brody.  I’m 6’5″ so nobody could make “Santa’s Little Helper” jokes.  Also, nobody seems to acknowledge that Elfrid’s hair looks just like MC Hammer’s sidekick’s stupid diamond-shaped head.

Elfrid Payton (far left, bottom) getting ready for Orlando’s next game.

4) Jahill Okafor – He’s still in college but screw it, we got nothing.  Put him in already.

5) Nerlens Noel – He plays for the Sixers.  Call me when you’re a real boy on a real team, Pinocchio.

6) Henry Rowengartner from the movie “Rookie Of The Year” – “Did he just say ‘Funky butt lovin’?”  Hey, at least when this kid gets hurt he gets better!


7) Larry Bird – I think it’s fair.  Yeah, he already won ROY in 1980, but he’s older than Strom Thurmond and if he could actually average more than 13 points a game I think he should get it.

8) Michael Carter-WIlliams – While we’re in the business of letting players re-play their ROY campaign, let’s make MCW do his over again.  He plays for the Sixers and well…you know.

9) Shabazz Napier – It’s a fun name to say.  Try it.  SHABAZZ!  NAPIER!  It sounds like fireworks if you yell it loud and fast enough.  That’s good enough for #9 for me.

10) Me – I think I can do it.  I’m 36, wildly out of shape and don’t currently have insurance but I really think I can make a run for at least #4.  After all, I don’t play for the Sixers, I haven’t been injured in 20 years (possibly due to lack of physical movement) and I know everything about basketball.

Next up the Wolves play the Celtics in Boston on Friday.  I can’t wait to see Larry Bird’s first geriatric rookie game.  Hope he’s been to the chiropractor.  Go Wolves!

Photo from

Photo from

Oh, Chicago Bulls fans. You’re the only fan-base that can truly grasp the pain that Minnesota has felt over the last couple years.  Instead of time spent celebrating playoff berths, or in your case potential championships, it’s time spent checking the injured list, battling seasonal depression and setting your Thorazine dosage to “drool.”  So in the spirit of Midwestern camaraderie, allow me to share a couple coping mechanisms and tips that I’ve learned from years spent supporting one of the most injured, disappointing and confused teams in league history:

Tip #1 – Lower your standards:

Yes, you have six championships with Michael Jordan.  But the last time he wore a Chicago uniform The Prodigy was popular and the internet still looked like Pong.  Greg Oden, a man who Rip Van Winkle would call rusty, is currently getting more minutes than your superstar heir, Derrick Rose.  You guys are screwed.  You have Brandon Roy 2.0.  It sucks and I feel bad for you.  But here’s the good news: We will take him off your hands, sign him for $10 million and get five games out of him before he retires again for good.  The Minnesota Timberwolves front office is the garage-saler of the NBA.

Tip #2 – Get excited about marginal players:

When Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Chase Budinger or any one of our porcelain players (that’s not a white joke) got hurt, we had to force ourselves to be elated for random, lackluster signings.  When we signed Mickaël Gelabale halfway through last season, I got super amped up.  Not just because it allowed the rare opportunity to type an umlaut in a basketball situation, or because he looks super funny in hats, but because I GODDAMN HAD TO.  Distract yourself, Chicago.  Re-sign an elderly Bill Cartwright.  Or go get Jud Buechler Jr.  It doesn’t matter that he’s only 12.  It’s about the memories!

Tip #3 – Find one person in the front office and blame them mercilessly:

Last year it was David Kahn, before that it was Kevin McHale.  Right now Flip’s KG years are buying him some time, but tick-tock, motherfucker.  All Minnesota Timberwolves fans hate our owner, Glen Taylor.  He’s the root of all evil and a pariah for all sentient beings.  He would draft a Dodge Omni hatchback over Michael Jordan and then piss the hatchback off for not paying it enough.

Tip #4 – Root against yourself:

Just for a year!  Don’t get a new team, just support every team that plays against you.  It’ll feel like winning. Besides, you know you’ve always wanted to boo Carlos Boozer.

Next up, the Timberwolves play the New Orleans Pelicans in Minneapolis.  BOO TIMBERWOLVES!!!  GO PELICANS!  Let’s rub that unibrow all over everybody!

Well, stick a fork in this season.

We just lost back-to-back games against the weak-ass Wizards and the bottom-of-the-barrel Bobcats.  Pathetic.  I’m pretty sure a team consisting of Andy Dick, Chris Christie, Betty White and the cast of Glee could beat us right now.

Chase Budinger

The Minnesota Timberwolves “Catfished” its fans.  We were promised this amazing, hot, sexy woman of a season.  She said she’d be with us forever.  But when we met her she didn’t have an arm.  That’s okay, we thought.  Those are the girls we can get: The ones that are missing something.  But then her other arm fell off.  Then her nose.  Then her butt swiveled like a picture frame falling off a nail and dropped to the floor.  Three months later she’s just a torso that you have to carry around in a BabyBjörn.  Enjoy your new girlfriend!  I’m sure she’ll be better next year.

Sexy Kevin Love

I love the NBA and I love the Timberwolves.  I don’t ask for much in this world.  But by the laws of probability and statistics, aren’t we supposed to be good again eventually?  When in the name of God is that going to happen?  How can we still suck after all these years?  Don’t tell me it’s that nobody wants to play here because of the weather.  We have Russians!  They are descended from polar bears and yetis.  Minnesota is Cancun to them.

It’s just hard to imagine the Timberwolves ever having a winning season again.  We’ll get the #1 pick in the Lottery and accidentally draft a volleyball player.  We’ll trade for Kobe Bryant when he’s 55.  Kevin Love will decide to re-sign with us and then the training staff will accidentally remove his frontal lobe while he’s stretching.

Brandon Roy

We’re screwed.  We’re cursed.  We’re %#$@ed.

Next up we play the Los Angeles Clippers at home.  Even the Clippers managed to get good.  The. Clippers.  Dear God, make it stop.

We got a sympathy player!!!

We actually had so many hurt players that the NBA left us sign a 16th player for an injury exception.  In addition to that, we also signed a legit for-realsies 15th player.  We are 1-1 with these noobs and they’ve actually shot 75% from the field.  Granted, that’s like ten shots total but screw it!  New blood!

So who are these mystery men and how long will they last?

Meet your new Timberwolves:

Mickael Gelabale

Mickael Gelabale

NAME: Mickael Gelabale

HEIGHT: 6’7″

WEIGHT: 215 lb.



LIKES: Balancing hats on his head like a thimble.

DISLIKES: When people call him Jellybelly.

Chris Johnson

Chris Johnson

NAME: Chris Johnson

HEIGHT: 6’11”

WEIGHT: 210 lb.



LIKES: Refusing to look at cameras.

DISLIKES:  Being on a team for more than 10 days at a time.

When I saw that we were going to sign another European (and a French one at that) I thought “Oh, here we go…another white dude.”  But oh snap, he’s BLACK!  BOOM!  Throw in Chris Johnson and we just raised our black player ratio by 200%!  Granted, we just raised our PLAYER ratio by 400%.  Whatever.

Remember in the movie Jaws when all the shark attacks happened and the mayor and the rest of the town refused to acknowledge that it was happening because there was money to be made?  I feel like that’s the Timberwolves season right now.  Just switch “Oh, there’s no shark.  Keep swimming” to:

“Oh, they’re just a little injured.  Keep paying for tickets.  See, we got this French dude!  They’re totally known for being good at basketball.  And this other guy that’s bounced around the league like a beach ball at a stupid Phish concert.  Playoffs here we come!  Never mind what’s floating in the water there.  No that’s not Brandon Roy’s leg.  Of course that’s not Kevin Love’s hand.  Don’t be silly, that’s not Chase Budinger, that’s a clown wig.  How’d that get in there?!”

I’m running out of injury jokes.

This is pathetic.  Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Chase Budinger, Brandon Roy, Josh Howard, Malcolm Lee, JJ Barea, Andrei Kirilenko and Lazar Haywood have all been injured significantly this season or are completely out for the rest of the year.  Now add to the pile: Nikola Pekovic and Alexey Shved, who both got hurt last night.  Our goddamn coach has missed half a dozen games.  Derrick Williams and Luke Ridnour are the only major players to not get hurt and that’s because Luke can’t afford to miss a game and Derrick’s too dumb to realize that’s the thing to do.   I say we bring back our Muskie jerseys from last season.  Maybe the curse of those jerseys will negate the curse of this season and we’ll magically heal?

The Minnesota Timberwolves' prospects for the future.  Photo from

The newest addition to the Timberwolves team. Photo from

I will continue to watch and root for the Timberwolves, because they are my team and I’m not going to stop now.  But the season has become about two things for me:

1) I hope the Lakers don’t make the playoffs.  Or, at the very least, I just want them to continue to in-fight and suck and cry like a rich kid that doesn’t get their own helicopter.  God, I hate the Lakers.  I hate their spoiled, pampered, bandwagon-fake fans.  I hate Kobe Bryant and his wishing-he’s-Jordan, wannabe ass.  I hate Lamar Odom and he doesn’t even play for them anymore.  And guess what, bitches?  Five of your 16 championships are from the MINNEAPOLIS Lakers, so as far as I’m concerned the Celtics are up six rings on you.

2) Let’s get a lottery pick.  Is it even possible to make a bad choice?  We just need bodies.  Throw a dart at a dartboard.  Draft a baseball player.  Draft a crash test dummy.  Draft THE Crash Test Dummies.

Once there was this boy who
Got into an accident while doing knuckle push-ups
But when he finally came back
His hand re-broke again in the same place
They said that it was from when
His hand smashed the wall so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this boy who
Tore his ACL while colliding with a rapist
But when he finally came back
He seemed to forget how to play basketball
He couldn’t quite explain it
He’d always just known how

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both of those boys were glad
Cause one kid had it worse than that

Cause then there was this boy whose
team made him retire because he had no cartilege in his knees
And when he tried to come back
His knees said are you fucking kidding me
He couldn’t quite explain it
He didn’t know that knees talked

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Next up, we play the Houston Rockets, who’ve also lost five games in a row.  What’s their excuse?  I guess I’d rather suck by acts of God instead of just plain sucking.

"Well, your basketball line is looking distressed, but your beard line is great!" Photo from

“Your basketball line is looking short, but your beard line is great!” Photo from

Well, talk about a shit sandwich of a season.  Kevin Love broke his hand again.  It’s what we do.  If Greg Oden was a giant Voltron robot and broke up into a dozen players, he would turn into the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Screw it.  This is Minnesota.  And Minnesotans don’t give up.  Instead, we passive-aggressively deny reality and make irrational, ill-planned decisions that backfire in our face.

So, as a Minnesotan, I would like to officially sign up to be a Timberwolf.

Come on, David Kahn, it’s not like you have many more options.  You need me.

The cons first:

  1. I am not good at basketball.

The pros:

  1. This has never stopped Kahn before.
  2. I am cheap.  (My price is a $100 giftcard to Potbelly Sandwich Shop, a season ticket-holder scarf and a declaration of BFFs from Pekovic.)
  3. I am approximately Ricky Rubio’s height.  So they can dress me up as him and use me as a decoy in case anybody ever threatens his life.  All I need is a Beatles wig and a limp.
  4. I am better than Greg Steimsma.

Unfortunately, this is what it’s come to.  Somewhere along the line Minnesota pissed off the basketball gods and they are taking raving vengeance on the team.  The Minotaur demands a sacrifice.

Therefore, I volunteer to have my knees clobbered, hands smashed and eyes poked before every game to placate the heavens.  I will absorb all injuries that have been raining down on the Wolves this year.  Maybe David Kahn doesn’t believe in any of that stuff.  I don’t either!  But I’m crazy and so is David Kahn.  After all, he did call Darko Milicic “Manna From Heaven.” He drafted Wesley Johnson over DeMarcus Cousins.  I’m pretty sure he got his entire understanding of basketball from Harlem Globetrotters cameos on Scooby Doo.  But that’s okay.  Because I’m here to help.

We play Atlanta on Tuesday.  Hopefully nobody gets decapitated.