Posts Tagged ‘injury’

sadpanda

I am a sad panda. Photo from kym-cdn.com

Ricky Rubio is out indefinitely and I’m in a depression spiral. We are never going to be good.  And even if we start to be a hole will form in center court and Dieng, Wiggins and a visiting Dalai Lama/Pope Francis duo will fall in and ruin all hope for all of mankind ever.

Argh!  I knew we weren’t going to win 50 games but at least it was going to be entertaining.  There were going to be alley-oops and fibbity-doos and things that only Dr. Seuss could name.  But now we lost to the Orlando Magic.  The fucking Orlando Magic!  Their fourth best player is an alligator.  Now we enter a BRUTAL two week stretch where we play Miami, Houston and the ’96 Bulls all on the road.  Like I said, I knew we weren’t going to make the playoffs but could we have at least made it 20 games without all hope being squashed like a mosquito under Anthony Bennett’s butt.

The worst part is the uncertainty of Ricky’s injury.  He’s already had ACL problems.  Is this just going to be 1-2 months out or are we going to find out that he’s actually made out of Spanish toffee?  We won’t even find out for a few weeks.  How does God let someone like Ricky Rubio get hurt?  I get Derrick Rose and Kevin Durant.  They’re warriors. They’re meant for that.  Ricky Rubio is a lost lhasa apso who needs a little coat to keep him warm.  In the arms of an angel, Ricky.  Fly away!

I guess we’re going to see how Zach Lavine plays now.  The good news is he can dunk.  The bad news is so can literally every player in the NBA.  I’ll be more impressed if he suddenly learns how to pass and dribble.  We. Are. Screwed.

Next up we play the Heat in Miami.  Dwayne Wade has the body of King Tut but Chris Bosh is playing with a chip on his shoulder.  Are they any good?  Who knows but they’re sure going to kick our ass.  Go….Wolves….:(

Photo from a.espncdn.com

Photo from a.espncdn.com

Oh, Chicago Bulls fans. You’re the only fan-base that can truly grasp the pain that Minnesota has felt over the last couple years.  Instead of time spent celebrating playoff berths, or in your case potential championships, it’s time spent checking the injured list, battling seasonal depression and setting your Thorazine dosage to “drool.”  So in the spirit of Midwestern camaraderie, allow me to share a couple coping mechanisms and tips that I’ve learned from years spent supporting one of the most injured, disappointing and confused teams in league history:

Tip #1 – Lower your standards:

Yes, you have six championships with Michael Jordan.  But the last time he wore a Chicago uniform The Prodigy was popular and the internet still looked like Pong.  Greg Oden, a man who Rip Van Winkle would call rusty, is currently getting more minutes than your superstar heir, Derrick Rose.  You guys are screwed.  You have Brandon Roy 2.0.  It sucks and I feel bad for you.  But here’s the good news: We will take him off your hands, sign him for $10 million and get five games out of him before he retires again for good.  The Minnesota Timberwolves front office is the garage-saler of the NBA.

Tip #2 – Get excited about marginal players:

When Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Chase Budinger or any one of our porcelain players (that’s not a white joke) got hurt, we had to force ourselves to be elated for random, lackluster signings.  When we signed Mickaël Gelabale halfway through last season, I got super amped up.  Not just because it allowed the rare opportunity to type an umlaut in a basketball situation, or because he looks super funny in hats, but because I GODDAMN HAD TO.  Distract yourself, Chicago.  Re-sign an elderly Bill Cartwright.  Or go get Jud Buechler Jr.  It doesn’t matter that he’s only 12.  It’s about the memories!

Tip #3 – Find one person in the front office and blame them mercilessly:

Last year it was David Kahn, before that it was Kevin McHale.  Right now Flip’s KG years are buying him some time, but tick-tock, motherfucker.  All Minnesota Timberwolves fans hate our owner, Glen Taylor.  He’s the root of all evil and a pariah for all sentient beings.  He would draft a Dodge Omni hatchback over Michael Jordan and then piss the hatchback off for not paying it enough.

Tip #4 – Root against yourself:

Just for a year!  Don’t get a new team, just support every team that plays against you.  It’ll feel like winning. Besides, you know you’ve always wanted to boo Carlos Boozer.

Next up, the Timberwolves play the New Orleans Pelicans in Minneapolis.  BOO TIMBERWOLVES!!!  GO PELICANS!  Let’s rub that unibrow all over everybody!

Gee, it sure would have been nice to have had our superstar player last night.

I hate Kobe Bryant, but you can’t stop that man from playing.  You could cut his head off and dangle it from the Hollywood sign and he’d still find a way to Headless Horseman to the game and have 33 points.  When Kobe retires eventually, somebody’s going to tap his knee with a tiny hammer and he’s going to crumble into a pile of dust from the collective strain of ignoring injuries for 20 years.

Kevin Love is the opposite of Kobe Bryant.  I can’t count how many big games he’s missed over the years due to hands, thumbs, knees, voodoo curses, Breaking Bad season finales and “flu-like symptoms.”  God help him when he gets a real flu.  He’ll miss a minimum of five years.

This time, he had an eye injury.  Sure!  Why not?  Didn’t he watch The Three Stooges ever?  Everybody knows you put your hand up straight on your nose and block that shit.

I think us fans are just tired of his surprise injuries.  So, to combat this, I consulted the tea leaves (I went to Starbucks) and made some predictions about what injuries Kevin Love will sustain the rest of the year:

JAN 17 – Flesh-eating virus

JAN 23 – Arm stuck in candy machine

FEB 1 – Amnesia

FEB 23 – Server at T.G.I. Friday’s made him feel bad

MARCH 1 – Rickets

MARCH 24 – Shark bite

MARCH 31 – Beach ball to the face (Damnit Kev, stay away from the beaches!)

APRIL 3 – Gets trapped in the astral plane

APRIL 4 – Knuckle push-ups while bowling with Andrew Bynum

APRIL 12 – Fork to the eye

APRIL 13 – Yeast infection

APRIL  14 – Fork to the other eye

APRIL 15 – Hunger-like symptoms

APRIL 16 – Fork to the first eye again

APRIL 17 – The farts

APRIL 20  – Falls off couch watching the NBA playoffs at home

Kevin Love hurts himself bathing.  Photo from jocksandstilettojill.com

Kevin Love hurts himself bathing. Photo from jocksandstilettojill.com