Posts Tagged ‘jabari parker’

Andrew Wiggins is putting on a hell of a show lately.  He’s been averaging over 20 ppg the last eight games on 50% shooting.  Even the dickweed that hates for writes the “NBA Rookie Ladder” for ESPN thinks he’s the Rookie Of The Year, finally.  Of course he is.  Everybody else is hurt.  Regardless, Wiggins is going to be a real superstar in the league and here are five reasons why:

1) The dude has an electric smile.  It looks like 500 puppies being each given a chew toy.  It’s seemingly incapable of doing harm to anybody.  I know a guy with a smile like that and he’s actually a humongous grifter.  It’s called a “courtesy smile/laugh” and it’s used to make people feel comfortable while you steal their french fries.  But the point is in the marketing.  Superstars are good at making hoops AND money.  Toothpaste, soda, gum, chocolate bugs, Viagra, anything you can put in your mouth he can sell the shit out of!

Nobody can really be this happy.

Nobody can really be this happy in a suit.

2) Canada.  He’s like the Yao Ming of Canada.  Yeah, there have been some good Canuck players before like Steve Nash and Neil Young, but none of them could jump over a basketball hoop. (Neil’s harmonica always got in the way.)  The entire Great North Country is going to go nuts for Wiggins with their wallets full of loonies, toonies and whale blubber. And don’t you think about poaching him, Toronto!  You just back off!  You already have Drake!

3) Kobe Bryant recently said that looking at Wiggins is “like looking at a reflection of myself 19 years ago.”  I said that to somebody once, but it was at AA.  Wasn’t received as well.

4) There is a precedence for superstardom in Minnesota.  Kevin Garnett played 12 years with us.  He didn’t become a superstar in Boston.  If anything, he was a year or two past his prime by then.  I believe that Wiggins has the athletic ability and charisma to return us to the magnificent days of losing every year in the first round of the playoffs.  WE CAN DO THIS!

5) Oh and THIS:

Next up the Wolves play the Bucks Friday night in Milwaukee.  Jabari Parker is ranked #6 on the NBA Rookie Ladder, even though he’s out for the season.  Maybe if he hiccups from traction in the hospital, that biased-ass writer will bump him up to #2 again?  Excitement!

The NBA Rookie Game bench. Photo from

The NBA Rookie Game bench. Photo from

Man, that’s rough news about Milwaukee’s Jabari Parker tearing his ACL.  I can’t remember a more injury laden rookie class in NBA history.  And that’s including when everybody wore cardboard Chuck Taylor’s and smoked cigarettes during games.  Seven out of the top eleven picks are out with injuries right now, many for the entire season.  What’s going on, Generation Y?  If Steve Nash and Tim Duncan can play through dialysis then you should make it when you’re still not old enough to rent a car.

It’s really a short, small race for Rookie of the Year right now.  Minnesota’s Andrew Wiggins, who I believed would eventually get ROY, is now the clear favorite.  He’s followed closely behind by KJ McDaniels.  However, KJ McDaniels plays for the Philadelphia 76ers.  Technically someone has to score and do things for them.  He’s like a kangaroo boxer.  Technically he’s doing what he’s supposed to do but only because someone shoved him out there.

Who else is realistically in the running?  Here’s my top ten:

1) Andrew Wiggins – I might be a homer, but he’s a future star for sure.  Right now he’s like the J-Lo of basketball.  Sorta good at everything but not great at any one thing.  In 3-5 years he’ll be the Beyoncé of basketball.  Which I think means he’ll be a Brooklyn Net?

2) KJ McDaniels – He plays for the Sixers.  Call me when you’re a real boy on a real team, Pinocchio.

3) Elfrid Payton – I would pay anything to have my name be “Elf”.  Elf Brody.  I’m 6’5″ so nobody could make “Santa’s Little Helper” jokes.  Also, nobody seems to acknowledge that Elfrid’s hair looks just like MC Hammer’s sidekick’s stupid diamond-shaped head.

Elfrid Payton (far left, bottom) getting ready for Orlando’s next game.

4) Jahill Okafor – He’s still in college but screw it, we got nothing.  Put him in already.

5) Nerlens Noel – He plays for the Sixers.  Call me when you’re a real boy on a real team, Pinocchio.

6) Henry Rowengartner from the movie “Rookie Of The Year” – “Did he just say ‘Funky butt lovin’?”  Hey, at least when this kid gets hurt he gets better!


7) Larry Bird – I think it’s fair.  Yeah, he already won ROY in 1980, but he’s older than Strom Thurmond and if he could actually average more than 13 points a game I think he should get it.

8) Michael Carter-WIlliams – While we’re in the business of letting players re-play their ROY campaign, let’s make MCW do his over again.  He plays for the Sixers and well…you know.

9) Shabazz Napier – It’s a fun name to say.  Try it.  SHABAZZ!  NAPIER!  It sounds like fireworks if you yell it loud and fast enough.  That’s good enough for #9 for me.

10) Me – I think I can do it.  I’m 36, wildly out of shape and don’t currently have insurance but I really think I can make a run for at least #4.  After all, I don’t play for the Sixers, I haven’t been injured in 20 years (possibly due to lack of physical movement) and I know everything about basketball.

Next up the Wolves play the Celtics in Boston on Friday.  I can’t wait to see Larry Bird’s first geriatric rookie game.  Hope he’s been to the chiropractor.  Go Wolves!


The day after the NBA Draft is a lot like December 26th for most NBA fans. Everybody is flush with serotonin after opening goodies like Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker or (a partially factory defected) Joel Embiid.  Even the rich kid who had everything (San Antonio) got a new fancy bike (Kyle Anderson). Who knows how it’ll all work out, but fans of Cleveland, Milwaukee, Philly and more all have visions of 60 win seasons dancing in their heads for now.

Not the Minnesota Timberwolves.

If the draft is Christmas then we are Jehovah’s Witnesses. No presents for us.  We aren’t allowed them.  Why not?  Because the pagan god Mithra‘s birthday is on Christmas.  What?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Exactly.  Nothing makes sense for us, ever.  It makes more sense to me that Flip Saunders makes his decisions based on the Zoroastrian guardian of cattle than actual basketball scouting.

So what to think about last night’s Wolves picks?

That’s Zach LaVine, our #1 pick (13th overall) mouthing the words “Fuck me” after being selected by us.  Wonderful!  There has been some argument over whether he really said “Fuck me” or “Fuck man” or “Fun meat”.  Personally, I think he thinks he’s a superhero and said “Duckman” like Captain Marvel yelling “Shazaam!”  He was simply activating his powers.  You’ve heard of the Eurostep?  Just wait for the Duckstep, bitches!  DUCKMAN!

Then we took Glenn Robinson III at #40.  I was unaware that OG Big Dog was a “Junior”.  Personally, this kind of frightens me, as I believe there are already 15 Shawn Kemp VII’s out there.  What if all these kids form a team and consume all the mashed potatoes and cocaine in the world?  What will happen to the economy?!

So here’s what I think: Just go with the flow, man.  You can’t really affect the way our team is run, so why let it upset you?  Don’t try to get all Zach Lowe on this shit.  We’re the Minnesota Timberwolves.  Don’t think “Hey, we could really use a power forward to replace Kevin Love, because he’s leaving.”  No, no.  That’s wrong.  You’re not thinking like a Timberwolf big-wig.  Think “Sometimes boats get zebra mussels on the bottom of them. I want a Mars Bar.”  Now you’re thinking like a bat-shit crazy Timberwolf.  Go Minnesota!

(Alright, I think Glenn Robinson III is a nice pick and potentially a big steal in the 2nd round.  I think time will tell on LaVine.  Give the kid a chance.  If anything, it’ll give Ricky Rubio someone to throw alley-oops to.  And his agent has said 400 times now that they knew the Wolves were going to draft him and that he’s ecstatic to be here, so I think the “Fuck me” part is a misinterpretation.  Probably just a kid caught up in the emotion of the biggest moment of his life.)

As far as the rest of the league goes, I think Milwaukee is the big winner.  They got who they wanted (Jabari Parker) and he’s going to be a stud and probably the biggest statistical star of next year.  I’m furious that the Lakers got a great pick (Randle).  I think that Denver is killing it this off-season.  I love that there’s a real human being named Bogdan Bogdanovic.  (That’s some real Roseanne Roseannadanna shit right there.)  I think Philadelphia thinks it’s 2016.  I also think they better start stockpiling human growth hormone.  I think that San Antonio is never going to go bad, like a box of Twinkies that loves to share itself.

Oh and most importantly: FUCK BILL SIMMONS.

Bogdan Bogdanovic receiving word of his being drafted.  Photo from

Bogdan Bogdanovic receiving word of his being drafted. Photo from

Photo from

Photo from

The NBA Draft will be held on June 26 and while it’s widely considered the deepest draft in ten years, there are still many question marks about who will go where and in what order.  I’m here to help.

Here are the top 14 picks and (with 100% certainty) the way the picks will go:

#1) Cleveland Cavaliers – Joel Embiid, C, Kansas

As a Minnesota Timberwolves fan I can’t talk too much trash about bad drafting, but holy cow did they crap the bed last year. Anthony Bennett is the fifth #1 pick since 1988 to not make the All-Rookie team (the others: Peanut brittle tough Elijah Price clones Greg Oden and Danny Manning as well as flat-out flops “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison and Kwame “Jordan’s Bitch” Brown.) Even Michael Olowokandi made the All-Rookie 2nd team!  My prediction: The Cavs, being stupid and superstitious, will freak out about drafting two Canadians in a row and pass on Andrew Wiggins, taking Embiid.  Or they trade the pick altogether and swap it for Kevin Love.  Either way, they’ll still be the Cavs. 

#2) Milwaukee Bucks – Andrew Wiggins, SF/SG, Kansas

Schlemeel, schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated! So Wisconsin isn’t exactly a sexy destination for Andrew Wiggins.  But did you see the owner’s daughter at the draft!? Oshkosh B’gosh!  If I were Milwaukee, I’d dowry up that chick to Andrew faster than a Laverne & Shirley assembly line.  Riggin’ for Wiggins indeed!  Besides, I saw creepy-ass Nate Wolters making moves on her, so you better lock that shit down!

"Oh hi Mallory, I was wondering if you wanted to look at my antique turtle shell collection? It's quite sensual." Photo from

“Oh hi Mallory, this is the face I make when I’m in my human-sized turtle shell. Wanna race?” Photo from

#3) Philadelphia 76ers – Jabari Parker, SF, Duke

Whoever gets picked here better be good, because Dr. J looked like he wanted to strangle the world with Earl The Pearl’s neck chain.

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from

Making Dr. Kevorkian seem like a better option. Photo from

#4) Orlando Magic – Dante Exum, PG/SG, Australia

How do we know this guy is even any good?  Has anyone ever seen Australia basketball before?  For all we know he punts wallabies into baskets of Vegemite stacked on-top of prison colony watchtowers. “Aye mate, that’s Australian rules basketball!  Now take the zip-line koala to the Outback before the didgeridoo buzzer goes off! AC/DC!”

#5) Utah Jazz – Elfrid Payton, PG, Louisiana-Lafayette

Honestly, most mock drafts didn’t have this guy going higher than #29, but there’s nothing Utah loves more than a person with a stupid name.  And since Dante Exum is gone and there’s nobody in the draft named Wealtho McRomney, then Elfrid it is!  Sorry, Kristaps Porzingis.  You were so close. (Real pick: Noah Vonleh, PF, Indiana)

#6) Boston Celtics – Julius Randle, PF, Kentucky

I checked.  Julius Randle has no prior record of cocaine use.  Go for it, Boston!

#7) Los Angeles Lakers – Marcus Smart, PG, Oklahoma State

Jack Nicholson’s started going to Clippers’ games.  Better make it a good one, LA.  Tick-tock, bitches.

#8) Sacramento Kings – Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona

I appreciate any team that makes my Timberwolves seem any less depressing. When the brightest spot in a decade is that your team didn’t literally pack up and move to another town, you are possibly in trouble.  But yeah, I’m sure drafting a dude named Aaron will fix everything.

#9) Charlotte Hornets – White guy

#10) Philadelphia 76ers – White guy

#11) Denver Nuggets – James Young, SF/SG, Kentucky

I spent some time in Colorado recently and it’s impossible to breathe there.  I can’t believe that it’s legal for a team in the mountains to have a home game.  God help the league if they ever draft a Kenyan.  James Young sounds pretty American, so it’s cool for now.

#12) Orlando Magic – Rodney Hood, SF, Duke

Am I the only person who thinks that Rodney Hood sounds like Robin Hood’s lousy younger brother that went to Duke?  “Hi, I’m Rodney Hood.  I steal from the rich and give to Christian Laettner.  He’s very lonely.”

#13) Minnesota Timberwolves – Nik Stauskas, SG, Michigan

Hey Kevin Love!  Unpack your bags!  Nik Stauskas is coming!  *self-inflicted gunshot*

#14) Phoenix Suns – Jusuf Nurkic, C, Bosnia

LESSON #1 for Jusuf Nurkic in the NBA.  YOU MUST WEAR PANTS!!!  A basketball is not enough to cover your junk!

"Get Real, Jusuf. The ball doesn't need to be THAT far out." Photo from

“Uh, Jusuf? The ball doesn’t need to be THAT far out.” Photo from

So those are my picks. If the 14 lottery teams just take my advice and pick exactly like I say, none of them will ever be in the draft ever again.  You’re welcome, NBA.