Posts Tagged ‘JJ Barea’

The rumor mill is speculating that Kevin Martin and Nikola Pekovic are returning to the Timberwolves line-up tonight. ¬†That’s fantastic! ¬†Unfortunately, I believe nothing anymore. ¬†Killer bees¬†were supposed to be here in 1985 and kill us all. ¬†Seven year old Mike Brody didn’t sleep at all that year. ¬†Players returning from injury? ¬†36 year old Mike Brody will believe it when he sees it.

It would be nice if they did come back, though. ¬†Three of our top four players (four out of five if you count Shabazz Muhammad) are out right now. ¬†It’s called being a Timberwolf. ¬†We are ALWAYS hurt. ¬†I don’t understand what our trainers are doing? ¬†If there is a PED/steroid scandal coming in the NBA then we will get off¬†scott-free. ¬†I don’t think our trainers even give our players band-aids. ¬†We have the only Christian Science medical staff. ¬†Kevin Love’s “knuckle push-up” injury was healed through spooning¬†and watching “Frozen” on repeat.

“Oh, your hands¬†hurt? ¬†LET IT GO…LET IT GOOOOOOOO!”

If Pek comes back, it would be nice to see him standing next to that other Transylvania bastard, Miroslav Raduljica,¬†that we signed last week. ¬†Miroslav! ¬†What a name! ¬†It sounds like the world’s worst condiment.

“Yeah, yeah…dry-ass bagels again. ¬†Put some of that Miroslav on there. No, no…gimme the radish kind.”

Look at how much more scary a full beard makes an Eastern-European:

Miroslav1

Miroslav before: “Hi guys, did you watch ‘Glee’ last night?”

"I smile because I've eaten three kneecaps today."

Miroslav after: “I smile because I’ve eaten three kneecaps today.”

So tonight we play the Dallas Mavericks in Minneapolis. ¬†I’m excited to see former Wolf¬†JJ Barea again. ¬†It’s like seeing an old girlfriend at the theater with their new boyfriend. ¬†Except you’re not jealous, you just watch and chuckle as they run around with their new nightmare¬†spilling Hawaii Punch on their Kanye West shirt¬†and stealing the non-electric vacuum. ¬†Enjoy the douchebag, Dallas!

It actually happened.  JJ Barea is gone.

The Wolves bought out his contract and waived him.¬† It’s all kind of bittersweet.¬† JJ was like an old recliner with pizza sauce crusted all over it.¬† Gross, embarrassing and definitely half covered in dog pee.¬† But also comfortable, because you can lean back on it or tilt it on it’s side and nobody cares if it snaps in half.¬† If he made a shot, great.¬† If he missed, well, you could curse him and expect to see him on the side of the curb by morning.

And now all our villains are gone.¬† Maniacally yelling at 1-2 Timberwolves is how I’ve survived these last few years.¬† Who is it going to be now?¬† I love the whole team.¬† Andrew Wiggins is the most likeable person on the planet.¬† I’m pretty sure Ronny Turiaf would find me and give me a hug and a $20 bill if I tweeted that I needed one.¬† Ricky Rubio farts Care Bears.¬† There’s always our idiot owner Glen Taylor, but that’s like getting mad at Daffy Duck for not wearing pants.¬† He wouldn’t even know what you mean.

I’ve reluctantly narrowed it down to three candidates:

Zach LaVine:¬† He’s a candidate because of his famous “Fuck me” incident.¬† He’s struggling to learn the point guard position and he seems pretty arrogant.¬† But damnit, I love that!¬† I love arrogant players. We’ve been too nice and awkward for too long.¬† We’re probably going to win 20-35 games, so in that process I want someone who will throw down a vicious dunk in a game while simultaneously filming it on his camera phone for Vine.¬† I want someone who probably kisses a velvet painting of himself before he goes to bed.¬† I want NBA Liberace!¬† Zach, you’re still cool.

Shabazz Muhammad:¬† Shabazz would have been perfect except for two complications: He never plays and he’s been working super hard in the off-season.¬† How do you hate that?¬† I fear that my biggest chance for a heel will just be sitting on the sidelines all season, looking ripped and innocent.¬† Have you seen his abs lately?¬† His stomach looks like a giant, unused roll of giant bubble wrap.¬† And everybody loves bubble wrap!¬† I just want to squeeze it and pop him until he can’t even stand up, for lack of stomach muscles.¬† I can’t stay mad at Shabubble!¬† Next!

Chase Budinger:¬† Ug, Chase Budinger.¬† It’s gotta be you, buddy.¬† Sorry, man.¬† You’re a good player and you’re supposedly getting your wheels back.¬† I don’t want to do this, but it’s for the good of the whole team and my own well-being.¬† So forgive me for having to pull a Harry & The Hendersons goodbye scene, but I have no choice.¬† Oh god this is hard:¬† “Get out of here, Chase Budinger!¬† Don’t you see we don’t want you anymore?¬† Why don’t you go back where you came from?¬† Now, leave us alone! *punches Chase in the face* Go. Go!”

Oh my god, that clip is so sad.¬† I’m still traumatized.¬† Come back, Chase.

harry

Tonight is the first night of the NBA season!¬† Wednesday is the Timberwolves’ season opener on the road against Memphis and then Thursday is the home opener against Detroit.¬† Go Wolves!

I missed last night’s game against the Phoenix Suns because stupid Comcast/Fox Sports North decided to give up and show hockey instead.¬† All I know is that we lost by one point in overtime.¬† Here’s how it went down in my head:

1st Quarter:

We started off strong.  Pekovic looks like a beast and debuts a new tattoo on his forehead of Wesley Johnson getting peed on by Arizona snow-bird senior citizens.  Ridnour made some shots that makes you feel like we should keep him forever.  Then Ridnour missed some shots that make you think we should trade him the first chance we get.

2nd Quarter:

Adelmann has to be restrained from hanging himself with Chris Johnson’s shoe-laces (Chris doesn’t need them) when we go down by 30 to the Suns.¬† Steimsma gets punched in the throat by Arizona senator John McCain when Steamer’s bright yellow hair reminded him of the flashlight the Vietcong shoved in his face in 1971.¬† Michael Beasley smokes a blunt on the bench and nobody notices.

3rd Quarter:

The Wolves have their best third quarter of the year and lose the period by 20 points.  A bored Kevin Love gives free coats to homeless people in Phoenix, who then burst into flames from the heat.  John McCain personally thanks him.  Brandon Roy successfully undergoes knee transplant surgery using the hide of a gila monster and his own nose.

4th Quarter:

The Wolves come roaring back to pull within a few points.¬† JJ Barea does a flip off of Luis Scola’s mullet and does 40 spins in the air while the ball bursts into flames and the backboard shatters.¬† Derrick Williams gets called for a charge against a statue of Steve Nash.¬† The Suns try their hardest to get Wesley Johnson a point but he misses all of his attempts.¬† With 1 second left, Pekovic calls Wesley’s name and purposely passes the ball to his opponent.¬† Wesley makes the shot from one foot and the fans storm the court.¬† Overtime!

NBA Jam Fire Dunk

Overtime:

The Timberwolves forget that the point of overtime is to score more than your opponent and lose while comparing surgery scars by the free throw line.

Was I far off?

Well, the NBA trade deadline came and went and the Timberwolves sat on their damn dumb hands and did nothing.  Come on! I need something more entertaining!  This season totally blows.  I need David Kahn to do something insane to keep it interesting, like get Paul Millsap in exchange for the entire Target Center.

“But David, where are we going to play?”

“Two words: Ice Palace. ¬†We will dominate the league unless somebody brings a bag of salt.”

I guess we need to keep Derrick Wiliams, because Kevin Love is out for most of the season. ¬†Brandon Roy would have been nice to get off the books since he’s really just taking up $5 million or so in contract. ¬†JJ would have been bad or good to see go, depending on which one we’re talking about. ¬†If it’s the one that destroyed the Oklahoma City Thunder earlier this year, then boo sad-face. ¬†If it’s the one that runs around in circles and thinks he’s a 7-footer, then adios Jose! ¬†Luke is the only guy who’s been there consistently for us all season without injuries. ¬†He’s like an old couch that’s full of rips, smells like your grandma and may have an old french dip somewhere in the cushion but you’ve had it for so long that you can’t stand to take it to Goodwill. ¬†Man, I hope nobody ever says that about me.

What concerns me is that by not making a trade, we didn’t clear up any salary space to sign Nikola Pekovic for what he’s worth this summer.¬† He’s expressed interest in staying, but there’s now a semi-decent chance he could sign as a free agent with the Portland Trailblazers.

Pekovic, don’t go! ¬†Where else are you going to find a freezing cold place that feels just like your homeland of Montenegro?

Okay, so I just google imaged Montenegro and it looks nothing like Minnesota.  But all the swords and skulls makes more sense now.  Photo from nationalgeographic.com

Okay, so I just google imaged Montenegro and it looks nothing like Minnesota. But all of Pek’s sword and skull tattoos make more sense now. ¬†Hazzah! ¬†Photo from nationalgeographic.com

Sigh. ¬†So this is it. ¬†This is the team we’re going to have for the rest of the year. ¬†Gimps, rejects and hobos. ¬†If only we were in the East! ¬†We beat Philly last night and they freaking suck. ¬†So do we, but they’re in the East so they are still in the playoff race. ¬†If we were in the East we would be 48-3 right now. ¬†The East consists of the Miami Heat, New York Knicks and 13 other teams full of off-season soccer players, retired mechanics and last year’s losers from Project Runway. ¬†The Charlotte Bobcats are actually just 12 holograms of 2-Pac that nobody’s noticed yet.

Next up, the Timberwolves play the Thunder in Oklahoma on Friday. ¬†That’s great! ¬†The third best record in the league against a team that’s excited just to not have an injury in the last week. ¬†They should let us have Russell Westbrook for the night just to make it interesting. ¬†Or make Kevin Durant play with his shoelaces tied together.

We’re going to get¬†annihilated.

Technically, the Minnesota Timberwolves still have a shot at the playoffs.¬† But technically, I also have a shot at winning a break-dancing competition in Harlem while dressed like Kramer from Seinfeld.¬† In other words, NBA Lottery Draft here we come.¬† Summer just wouldn’t be summer in Minnesota without a suped-up hopper full of ping-pong balls.

I refuse to totally give up on this season, though.¬† Not because I am a hopeful little angel of light and joy, but because I am stubborn as a ice-fisherman in April and mildly obsessive-compulsive (self-diagnosed) and have pinned my entire happiness on how well the Timberwolves do.¬† Last season sucked shit.¬† The season before that sucked shit.¬† Everything that didn’t have Kevin Garnett’s name on it has sucked shit (and even a couple of those have too).¬† This was supposed to be the season of the ceasing of the shit.¬† Instead, shit got real.¬† So I have two options:¬† Cry and complain that I am a fan of the new Clippers.¬† Or smile big and wide and Stepford Wife my way through another goddamn Timberwolves season.

So…big smiles everyone!¬† There’s a lot left in this Timberwolves season to enjoy.¬† Ricky Rubio is really starting to up his play in the last half-dozen games.¬† At some point this season, believe it or not, we may even have all of our players back.¬† Except for Brandon Roy.¬† Let’s be honest, unless the NBA allows him to push himself around on a skateboard, that dude’s never coming back.¬† And then there’s a possibility of some kind of trade(s) happening before the February 21st trade deadline.¬† If one thing makes having a cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs tolerable it’s having a slightly different cast of gimpy, ill-equipped scrubs.¬† To the trade scenarios!

Luke Ridnour for Raja Bell – According to 1500 ESPN Twin Cities, this trade with the Utah Jazz has been in discussion.¬† Oh Luke.¬† You know this poor bastard just wants to play on a contender just once in his career.¬† Just once!¬† Can we just trade him to Miami as a Make-A-Wish?¬† He’ll get a championship and we’ll get Juwan Howard’s ancient bones and his Cosby sweater.¬† Who cares?¬† He’d play as much as Kevin Love does.

Speaking of Kevin Love – The Minnesota Timberwolves WILL NOT trade Kevin Love.¬† All you bloggers/Bleacher Report hacks can just shut your faces about that.¬† I read some dude’s blubbery malarkey on RantSports about the Wolves trading Love for Carlos Boozer and a Bulls’ draft pick.¬† Are you fucking kidding me?¬† I know Glen Taylor and David Kahn are stupid, but that’s like dunking the ball at the buzzer when we’re down by three level stupid.¬† (I will never forgive you, Martell Webster!)¬† How insulting is it to us that people assume that since we have a superstar player, we just have to trade them because surely they’re not happy here?¬† Kevin Love is plenty happy, alright? His beard wouldn’t work in Los Angeles anyway, with all the heat and smog and spray-tanning.

Derrick Williams for Kyrie Irving – This trade involves a bit of mind-control and a mulligan on an entire year of basketball.¬† But I know a hypnotist/magician who might be able to convince someone to swap last year’s #1 pick/star of the future for last year’s #2 pick/Wes Johnson of the future.¬† All I need is some candles, a stereo that can play New Age subliminal messages on tape and someone willing to kidnap Dan Gilbert.

Greg Steimsma for Bigfoot  РHear me out, okay?  First off, ticket sales would spike.  And Bigfoot would serve the exact same purpose as the Steamer by running around all willy-nilly and blocking a shot here or there seemingly by accident.  He also might freak out some of the more germophobic NBA stars.  And he kind of looks like Teen Wolf and that story ended with a championship.

He would foul out slower than Greg Steimsma.  Photo from deathandtaxesmag.com

He would foul out slower than Greg Steimsma. Photo from deathandtaxesmag.com

Our last game before the All-Star break is this Wednesday against the Utah Jazz at home.  Will the Jazz show up with a salty pair of magic underwear just for Luke Ridnour?  Stay tuned, sports fans!

JJ Barea reminds me of my miniature dachshund:

Fearless.¬† Stubbornly persistent.¬† Able to get into tiny crevices whether you like it or not.¬† Humps things that he shouldn’t.

JJ Barea's Menudo audition photo.  From vidatraducida.wordpress.com

JJ Barea’s Menudo audition photo. From vidatraducida.wordpress.com

In a season full of surprises, one of the least shocking is JJ’s ability to completely take over in the 4th quarter.¬† But how the hell does he do it?!¬† He has the labored jump shot of a 7th grade girl heaving a medicine ball and he flails about like a Wet Willy toy sprinkler.¬† Yet it works.¬† I’m convinced that it’s because he’s so low to the ground that nobody can stop him.¬† It’s not fair to other players and there’s no end in sight unless David Stern instills a “No Oddjob” rule a la N64 Goldeneye.

What would JJ do with himself if he weren’t a basketball player?¬† Surely his indomitable spirit and competitive nature would spur him on to do something of importance.¬† In another world he could have played Tyrion Lannister on “A Game Of Thrones” or advanced penguin research by living as one of them.

Barea wasn’t the only Timberwolf who lit it up last night.¬† Alexey Shved, in particular, is really coming into his own.¬† I love these Russians!¬† We are 2-0 on the awesome Russian tip this year.¬† I think Ronald Reagan owes us all an apology for giving them a bad rap.¬† As far as I’m concerned, our starting five could consist of Shved, Andrei Kirilenko, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Mila Kunis and Mikhail Gorbachev’s red, bird-poop stain and we’d be good.

Oh and Kevin Love hurt himself again.  In other news basketballs bounce, Kareem Abdul-Jabar is tall and scoring more than your opponent wins the game.

Next up we play the Portland Trailblazers at home on Saturday.  Word on the street is Nikola Pekovic has a new tattoo of a grizzly bear on his forearm.  So my man crush continues.

JJ Barea, you sweet little Puerto Rican prince, you!

Okay, okay…I’m a hypocrite.¬† Barea’s made me curse more times than Christian Bale at a sound guy convention.¬† When he bounces around like a pinball in the lane I just want to shake him and yell “You’re 4’2″!¬† What are you doing!¬† You should be a jockey!”

But holy moley, did he vindicate himself last night.  14 of his 18 points came in the fourth quarter, including two threes in a row.  Against the best team in the NBA.  Who were riding a 12 game winning streak.

So congratulations, Jose Juan Barea…I award you with my “Favorite Timberwolf of the Week Award.”

This award entitles you to a few gifts:

1) A week’s worth of unlimited shoulder rides.¬† (You’ll finally see the world!)

2)  $5 gift card to Chipotle.

3) One free Middle Age warrior tattoo (Sorry, Pekovic has had this award for a while now.  Tattoo will also be done prison-style by me, with a pen.)

All of these wonderful gifts are yours, pending your signing of my handwritten document swearing that you will never make a stupid basketball mistake again.  In the event of said mistake, I am then entitled to:

1) A week’s worth of unlimited shoulder rides from you.¬† (Suck it up, Tiny…you’re a pro athlete!)

2) One free hug from your wife, Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera.

3) Another longer, more heartfelt hug from your wife.

That said, how amazing is it that we beat Oklahoma City on national television?¬† This was the first time the Wolves have been on TNT in SIX YEARS!¬† The world was a different place!¬† The economy was still fine as far as we knew it, smart phones were just a glimmer in Steve Jobs super-villain eyes and I lived in a shit-hole hovel that couldn’t convince an IHOP waitress to come over, much less Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera.¬† (Don’t mess up, JJ.)

I think I know why we beat them.¬† Partially it was the combo of Kevin Love’s big game, JJ’s fourth quarter heroics and Pekovic’s slap-down of Serge Ibaka.¬† But really, it was because the Thunder wore their dark-blue alternate jerseys last night.¬† Alternate jerseys, a clever ploy by the NBA to up sales, are cursed.¬† Look no further than our own ill-fated Muskies jerseys from last year.¬† Not only did we lose most of our games wearing those god-awful rags, but Ricky Rubio went down for the season in one.¬† I’d rather see a crowd of screaming Deliverance extras burning an effigy of me on my front lawn than see these jerseys again.

I'd rather see a crowd of screaming people burning an effigy of me on my front lawn than these jerseys again.  Photo from heythatsmine-bigd.blogspot.com

Let us never speak of them again. Photo from heythatsmine-bigd.blogspot.com

I really like the Oklahoma City Thunder.¬† They’re young, out-of-this-world talented and have a stellar attitude.¬† And they’re from a small market that has a ravenous fan-base.¬† They’re like the San Antonio Spurs, if they didn’t make you want to eat your own face out of sheer boredom.

But today?¬† Suck it, Thunder!¬† Oh, Kevin Martin was hurt?¬† You really going to talk to the Minnesota Timberwolves about injuries?¬† We are the most injured team in the history of the NBA. Rick Adelman considered hiring a necromancer to conjure George Mikan’s bones from the grave.¬† Our center for a week was a cardboard cut-out of Jared from Subway.¬† We won!

Next up is another super tough team.¬† We play the New York Knicks and a guy named after a candy bar.¬† Fortunately, Rick Adelman is a big fan of my blog.¬† Yo Rick, I know how we beat these guys.¬† Before the game, have JJ roll into the NY locker room like Sonic the Hedgehog and swap out their jerseys with the Muskies ones.¬† We will win by a minimum of 45 points.¬† You’re welcome.¬† Yes, I’ll consider assistant coach duties.