Posts Tagged ‘kevin garnett’

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Photo from thumbs.dreamstime.com

Okay, so the Timberwolves Nation got a little ahead of ourselves.  We won three in a row, anointed ourselves the new NBA Champions and then in truly Wolves-y fashion got our asses handed to us by a 55 year old German, Steph Curry’s supposed brother and JJ-freaking-Barea.  Getting schooled by Barea is like an ex-girlfriend suddenly dating George Clooney.  It’s confusing and they don’t deserve it.

A lot of Wolves fans are beginning to question whether Zach LaVine is the cause of this pendulum swing.  He got hurt, we won three, then he comes back and we lose badly.  It’s not LaVine.  It’s because we are a very talented, young team that is better at sharing Snapchat pics than the ball.  And as Wolves fans we’ve spent the better part of a decade and a half wildly blaming everything and everyone in the organization short of official Timberwolves DJ, Mad Mardigan, who admittedly I haven’t seen practicing free throws.  Here’s a list of people who’ve been blamed for all of our woes over the years and the criticisms lobbed at them:

Glen Taylor –  (Cheapskate, creepy, only hires friends, looks like an emaciated Kelsey Grammer)

Kevin Garnett’s supporting cast – (They were just KG’s friends signed to huge contracts, Troy Hudson’s rap album was the only thing worse than his game, Latrell Sprewell turned down a $14 million contract because “I need to feed my kids” which means his kids apparently ate diamonds, Sam Cassell hurt himself doing a “Big Balls” dance which is less a criticism than an awesome fact.)

Kevin McHale – (Gifted the Boston Celtics a championship by trading Kevin Garnett for two Bob Cousy basketball cards and Aerosmith’s “Get A Grip” CD, looks like Frankenstein if he left his clothes hanger in his sport coat)

David Kahn – (Everything you can possibly imagine and it’s all true)

Jonny Flynn – (We do not speak of him outloud but at least the “H” in “Johnny” knew what was up and got out)

Kurt Rambis – (A shitty version of Phil Jackson, wouldn’t even wear his dork glasses which is the only reason anybody ever really liked him)

Kevin Love – (Primadonna, two-faced, stat-stuffer, Benedict Arnold, won a championship without us and doesn’t seem sad enough about it)

Ricky Rubio – (Can’t shoot, drafted before Steph Curry, too handsome and huggable, doesn’t break ankles like Kris Dunn even though Kris Dunn hasn’t made one shot after those moves and you’re all 14 years old)

Andrew Wiggins – (Too Canadian/nice, isn’t LeBron James in his third year, analytics nerds who play more NBA 2K than actual basketball think he is the worst player since the chubby kid from “Teen Wolf”)

Thibs – (Hasn’t made us perfect after 41 games, somehow has hair and is bald at the same time, won’t play Brandon Rush for unknown reasons which maybe include Rush hitting on Thibs’ non-existent wife)

Zach LaVine – (Possibly made us lose one game against Dallas)

Relax, Wolves fans.  Someday we are going to be great.  Or we’ll screw it up, lose all our players and do the same thing for another 15 years.   Enjoy!

Next up we play the Spurs in San Antonio.  Maybe this will be one of those games where Popp sits all his players just to piss people off?

GO WOLVES!!!

 

Photo from nba.com

Photo from nba.com

Exciting rookies, new veterans and a blueprint for success in the years to come…my first post of the season was supposed to be a happy one.  Instead, I find myself in shambles with the recent news that Flip Saunders lost his fight with cancer.

It’s strange to be so broken up about a man you never met and it’s difficult to explain to someone not from Minnesota what he meant to this team and this state and why we are so palpably devastated. After all, it’s just a game, right? But you see, we catch a lot of flak for being a lousy team in a cold ass state.  When people say they don’t want to live or play in this tundra and that the Timberwolves are a joke, we take it personally. Flip wanted to change all that.  He wanted to make this team great and maybe he couldn’t change the weather but he could warm up the atmosphere with a winning culture.

Flip may have been from Ohio but he was an Honorary Minnesotan and a spokesperson for us and we loved him for it.

Here are my favorite, fondest memories of Flip and his tenure with the Minnesota Timberwolves.

The 2004 Western Conference Finals – Otherwise known as the Zenith.  This is the greatest moment inTimberwolves history, even though we actually  lost.  But damnit, we were close.  Flip took this team to the brink and in my opinion the only thing that kept us from taking it all was Sam Cassell LITERALLY injuring himself doing the “Big Balls Dance“.  I can’t think of a more Minnesotan way of losing.  Flip was never pissed about it, though.  He understood the mind and soul of a player and got that sometimes you just have to grab your imaginary oversized balls in a gesture of supreme joy.  I just wish Cassell had done his big ball stretches beforehand.

Flip’s Diamond Store Commercials – This may sound like a joke but I’m being serious.  Those diamond store commercials are usually so cheesy and gross, but when Flip was in them you felt his sincerity. Normally, having a personal jeweler for over 20 years sounds about as fun as being Ricky Rubio’s shooting coach but Flip made it feel as warm as Paul Bunyon’s bosom.

The Wiggins-Love Trade – While the Conference Finals was the franchise’s greatest moment, I think this is Flip’s personal highmark.  Having the patience and balls (without any dance!) to pull off this trade without flinching is hugely underrated.  If this trade was up done by David Kahn, we would have gotten a 55-year-old Sam Bowie and a free box of Icy Hots.  Instead, we got the future of our team and Flip’s good decisions will live on.

Flip’s Blue Suits – Flip looked like the fanciest bell-hop in the world in those things.  I am always jealous of people who can wear skinny suits, because I’m built like a pear-shaped inner tube.  Flip may have worn the same suit 77% of the time but he pulled it off in style.  Also, I’ve been wearing the same jeans for two weeks so I can’t talk.

Everything – Honestly, I can list a million things about Flip that I loved.  The Gorgui Dieng pick, the Shabazz Muhammad-Trey Burke swap, his desire to run every front office position in the Timberwolves organization or his legendary humor and friendliness.  I never had the pleasure of meeting the dude but I can say that he was truly beloved by Minnesota sports fans.  He may never have gotten that NBA championship ring, but he made us feel pride in ourselves and we’ll be forever grateful for that.

Rest In Peace, Flip.

KGKG

I am disproportionately excited about Kevin Garnett returning to Minnesota.  My wife even told me she doesn’t think I was this happy on our wedding day.  I had to take a Tylenol PM last night just to fall asleep before 4am.

People who don’t follow basketball or the Timberwolves just don’t get it.  “What’s the big deal?  He’s a shell of his former self.  He’s 95.  Why not sign Betty White’s mom too?”  I don’t care if Kevin Garnett had dementia, progeria and lost both his arms and legs from diabetes.  I would push him out there on a skateboard myself.  Don’t you see?  He came back to us.  The greatest superstar in our history.  The only superstar in our history.  A giant with whom we slogged through 12 years of pain, triumph, loss and glory.  Our identity.  And he chose to come back.  Because he loves us and we love him.  We never stopped loving him.  He’s the Prodigal Son returned.  Quick!  Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it.  Let’s have a feast and celebrate!  

I told you I was disproportionately excited.

Let’s get something out of the way here:  KG is not going to average 25 and 12.  He’s been playing 20 minutes a game for the Nets this year and averaging 6.8 points and 6.8 rebounds.  Who knows if he’ll even play 2/3 of the remaining 30 games?  That’s not what bringing Kevin Garnett back is about.  The Big Ticket is all about the big picture.  Here’s what Kevin Garnett will do for us now and in the future:  He will provide much needed leadership and competitive nature in the locker room and the bench.  He will help guide Andrew Wiggins into superstardom.  He will yell at Anthony Bennett for eating gravy-covered, fried Twinkie pancakes during halftime.  He will scare everybody into having pride.  And then he will retire a Wolf, transition into a front office job and buy the team from Glen “Cosby Sweater” Taylor as a minority owner.  He will be a fucking beast.

And he might just save our franchise.

No pressure, KG.

Next up we play the Phoenix Suns tonight at home.  Garnett will NOT be joining the team in time for this game, so no need for me to show up at the Target Center in my full-size KG adult footsie.  Yet.

Welcome back, Real Kevin.

GO WOLVES!!!  ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

This is me if KG becomes the owner. Photo from lesterslegends.com

Great Sam Cassell’s head!  Kevin Garnett wants to buy the Wolves!

This must be what it’s like to dream of a fancy new step-dad.  Your current lame-ass dad likes to wear Cosby sweaters, forces you to mow the backyard for $1 a pop and keeps the house just together enough that it doesn’t get condemned.  Until Fancy New Step-Dad shows up.  He kicks Old Dad out and buys everybody an Escalade.  He hangs out with Jay Z and screams like a Braveheart warrior every time he eats a hamburger.  He’s perfect and makes everybody happy until the end of time.

These are only a few of the sky-high expectations I have for KG.  I know, it’s not realistic.  We don’t even know if he’d be a good owner type.  Look at some of the former NBA players who’ve made it into the front office:

  • Isiah Thomas – Destroyed teams from the inside out.  Basically was a more innocent-looking Clarence Thomas in short-shorts.  Shouldn’t advise a fork.
  • Larry Bird – Great front office guy with Indiana.  Uglier than Tom Petty.  Shorter shorts than Isiah.
  • Michael Jordan – Not a great owner, but everybody’s afraid to tell him.  Only a matter of time before he loses the team from a card game in Thailand.  Drafted Kwame Brown #1 in the draft.  (Read that last one 20 times.)
  • Michael Beasley – I believe he runs the 76ers.

It’s a messy, unpredictable transition, but who cares?  For all the bitching I’ve done on this blog, from the Kevin Love chicanery to the 500 injuries to human salamander David Kahn, no one is more responsible for our decade long irrelevance than owner Glen Taylor.  You can put all the spinning Sprewell rims on the car you want, but at it’s core it’s still a Dodge Omni full of mothballs.  Kevin Garnett is the weird new fancy hybrid car that runs on the pain of bitches and snitches.  It might catch fire and burn the garage down.  Or it might spew champagne from the radio right into your mouth, suckas!  I’m gonna go with blind, irrational optimism.  After all, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  MR. TAYLOR, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL AND GIVE KG THE TEAM!

We play the Pelicans tonight in the Big Easy.  This game hits a little close to home for me, because I’m on the road, forgot my razor and have a huge, freaky Anthony Davis unibrow.  Go Wolves!

Well, this is awkward.

Current Nets coach Jason Kidd is one of the greatest point guards ever, a guaranteed future Hall of Famer and an NBA champion.  He is also possibly the worst coach in NBA history.  Like Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in a pole-vault contest bad. With the exception of Bill Russell, who was a player/coach, nobody has risen faster to the conductor’s stand than Kidd.  He literally had zero coaching experience before this year.  And unfortunately, it’s looking likely that he’ll be the first coach kicked to the curb this year, as well.

"Say, you guys wouldn't want to coach an NBA team for just a second, would you?  I'll be right back." Photo from assets.nydailynews.com

“Say, you guys wouldn’t want to coach an NBA team for just a second, would you? I’ll be right back.” Photo from assets.nydailynews.com

The Timberwolves played the Nets on Friday and ended up squashing them 111-81.  Nothing that Kidd tried worked.  His staring?  Did nothing.  His nervous pacing?  Didn’t even result in a basket.  His desperate pleas for acceptance and hugs?  Not reciprocated. For a second he thought the standing ovation for KG was for him, but then he sat down quietly whispering to himself “Hey, I know that guy. We’re friends. Somebody…help me.”

Look, everybody respects Jason Kidd as a player.  He was one of the best.  But just because Ron Jeremy was good at boinkin’, it doesn’t mean you want him directing you in bed, okay?  It’s super early in the season.  Maybe Brooklyn can get an annulment?  They can just mulligan the whole beginning of the season and pretend that this never happened.  And Jason Kidd can just get in his car, (provided there’s no bottles in it) and drive away into the non-coaching sunset.

Just make sure that Net’s owner Mikhail Prokhorov actually hires a real coach, instead of Kwame Brown or Prince or Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV.  I understand bad decisions.  I live in a state that purposely elected Jesse Ventura.  But listen up, Brooklyn: You don’t hire a bartender who’s never had a drink.  Now go to your room and don’t come out until you’ve got George Karl.

Next up, the Wolves play Houston and that little bitch Dwight Howard.  All Pek has to do is punch him in the kidneys and tell him he’s not funny.  Go Wolves!

Kevin Love Game Winner

Kevin Love’s last minute buzzer beater against the Clips. (Ignore non-current Wolf Wayne Ellington in this picture.) Photo from jocksandstilettojill.com 

“Hey Mike Brody, that buzzer beater is from almost two years ago. Last night Kevin Love actually missed a point blank game-tying bunny at the buzzer. And we lost to the Clippers.”

See, that might seem true to you right now, but what you don’t realize is that I have a Minnesota Timberwolves time machine.  I actually went back in time and physically replaced November 2013 Clippers game Kevin Love with January 2012 Clippers game-winning shot Kevin Love and replaced them for the last ten seconds.  2012 Love made the shot and we won.  Then I swapped them back because 2012 Love wanted doughnuts.

While I was at it, I decided to go back further in the space/time vortex and create my own superteam, a la Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  It was a little awkward leaving Christian Laettner sitting there at the IDS Center Jamba Juice in 1994, but he made the Dream Team so screw that fratboy.

The All-Time Timberwolves team:

Starting PG: Ricky Rubio – “Change This Face…Be happy…Enjoy!” gets you on the all-time team.

Starting SG: Kevin Martin – Kevin is a brand new Wolf, but our second best shooting guard ever was Clyde Drexler, so it was an easy one.

Starting SF: Latrell Sprewell – Latrell helped take us to the 2004 WCF even though he couldn’t afford to feed his kids.  How selfless!

Starting PF: Kevin Love – I also went into the future and just so you know, Kevin Love will retire a Timberwolf.  In fact, he’ll be buried at 95 years old clutching his “I love Minnesota!” plateware set.

Starting C: Kevin Garnett – I know he was really a tall PF for us, but he played C for the Celtics too and can you just imagine the combo of Love and KG together?  It’d be like pizza made out of money that is also your chauffeur.

Bench:

Jonny Fynn – Just kidding.

Nikola Pekovic – He’s my all-time favorite Wolf, so I feel guilty about benching him.  But KG, dude.

Sam Cassell – Alien-headed clutch machine.

Sam Mitchell – The blue-collar work horse!  The very spirit of the Timberwolves!

Wally Gugliotta – I combined Wally Szczerbiak and Tom Gugliotta to conserve space. Meet the whitest player ever.

Tony Campbell – The OG.

JR Rider – The actual OG, even though the “Jailwolves” never really had a good ring to it.

Al Jefferson – Eh, why not?

In suits:

Joe Smith – So he can pay us back all the money he owes us.

Pooh Richardson – His name is Pooh.

Troy Hudson –  Just so he doesn’t have time to pursue his rap career.

Ballboy – Stephon Marbury

Ballboy’s assistant – David Kahn

Next up, we get revenge on the Cleveland Comic Sans.  Go Wolves!

“Minnesota Timberwolves” and “All-Star” don’t pop up in the same sentence very often.  In 25 years as an organization, the T-Wolves have sent five players to the All-Star game for a grand total of 15 appearances.  Michael Beasley’s been to the Hennepin County Courthouse more than that.  And if you take away Kevin Garnett and Kevin Love (Stephon Marbury somehow never made the team), that leaves you with three All-Star appearances total for the Timberpuppies.  Latrell Sprewell’s choked more coaches than that.

These past non-Kevin All-Stars have been all but forgotten.  What are the odds of a young NBA fan even remembering these guys?  There’s a better chance of LeBron James choosing Minnesota in free agency.  “I’m going to take my talents to Lake Minnetonka.  Me and Kent Hrbek are going to win not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven ice-fishing championships together.”

Tom Gugliotta – 1997 All-Star Game

GOOGS!

The Timberwolves have a long history of playing frat-boy looking players, and Googs is the Godfather of Greek.  Don’t get me wrong, Googs was a great player.  But all I can think about when he comes to mind is that god-awful late-90s barbed wire tattoo on his arm.  So Pamela Anderson.  Big Baywatch fan, Googs was.  Did he get a tramp-stamp too?  Hopefully he covered it up with something more timeless like a tribal tattoo.  Wait…

Googs!  Oh god, that late-90s barbed wire tattoo is killing me.  So embarrasing.  Hopefully he covered it up with something timeless like a tribal tattoo.  Wait.  Photo from bleacherreport.com

Where’s your pooka shells, Googs?   Photo from bleacherreport.com

Wally Szcerbiak – 2002 All-Star Game

It actually took me a few years to figure out that Wally wasn’t Gugliotta with a different haircut.  If Googs was a frat-boy then Wally was the guy who paddles the pledges and makes them drink goat’s blood.  Szczerbiak also has the most impossible name in the world to spell.  It takes five letters to get to a vowel.  Unacceptable.  If it weren’t for cut and paste, he’d just be Wally S to me.

I was googling Mr. Consonants to see what he was up to when I realized that he is the exact same age as me.  We’re both 35.  I am so depressed.  What have I done with my life? By his early 30s, Wally Szczerbiak had already achieved a successful career in the NBA.  In that same time frame, I worked at Jimmy John’s, went bald and unsuccessfully sued my landlord.

"Hey guys, do you wanna play Light As A Feather Stiff As a Board?" Photo from shamasportsheadliners.com

Wally Szcerbiak’s band camp picture.  Photo from shamasportsheadliners.com

Sam Cassell – 2004 All-Star Game

Sam Cassell was old and looked like ET.  But between him, KG and the coach-choker/spinning rims-maker we could have won a championship in 2004.  Unfortunately, he got lost in a forest and woke up half-dead by a storm-drain.  And even though I saw his flower clearly come back to life, our championship hopes disappeared right there like a trail of Reese’s Pieces into Oliver Miller’s mouth.  And it’s been “Next year!” ever since.  OUCH!

Sam Cassell chillin’ with his buddy Michael Jackson. Photo from postcarbon.org

The All-Star game is on tonight.  Hopefully the Timberwolves will be represented for years by future Kevins of all shapes, sizes and colors.