Posts Tagged ‘kevin love’

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Photo from thumbs.dreamstime.com

Okay, so the Timberwolves Nation got a little ahead of ourselves. ¬†We won three in a row, anointed ourselves the new NBA Champions¬†and then¬†in truly Wolves-y fashion got our asses handed to us by a 55 year old German, Steph Curry’s supposed brother and JJ-freaking-Barea. ¬†Getting schooled by Barea is like an ex-girlfriend suddenly dating George Clooney. ¬†It’s confusing and they don’t deserve it.

A lot of Wolves fans are beginning to question whether Zach LaVine is the cause of this pendulum swing. ¬†He got hurt, we won three, then he comes back and we lose badly. ¬†It’s not LaVine. ¬†It’s because we are a very talented, young team that is better at sharing Snapchat pics than the ball. ¬†And as¬†Wolves fans we’ve spent the better part of a decade and a half wildly blaming everything and everyone in the organization short of official Timberwolves DJ, Mad Mardigan, who admittedly I haven’t¬†seen practicing free throws. ¬†Here’s a list of people who’ve been blamed for all of our woes over the years and the criticisms lobbed at them:

Glen Taylor Р (Cheapskate, creepy, only hires friends, looks like an emaciated Kelsey Grammer)

Kevin Garnett’s supporting cast – (They were just KG’s friends signed to huge contracts,¬†Troy Hudson’s rap album was the only thing worse than his game, Latrell Sprewell turned down a $14 million contract because “I need to feed my kids” which means his kids apparently ate diamonds, Sam Cassell hurt himself doing a “Big Balls” dance which is less a criticism than an awesome fact.)

Kevin McHale – (Gifted the Boston Celtics a championship¬†by trading Kevin Garnett for two Bob Cousy basketball cards and Aerosmith’s “Get A Grip” CD, looks like Frankenstein if he left his clothes hanger in his sport coat)

David Kahn – (Everything you can possibly imagine and it’s all true)

Jonny Flynn – (We do not speak of him outloud¬†but at least the “H” in “Johnny” knew what was up and got out)

Kurt Rambis – (A shitty version of Phil Jackson, wouldn’t even wear his dork glasses which is the only reason anybody ever really liked him)

Kevin Love – (Primadonna, two-faced, stat-stuffer, Benedict Arnold, won a championship without us and doesn’t seem sad enough about it)

Ricky Rubio – (Can’t shoot, drafted before Steph Curry, too handsome and huggable, doesn’t break ankles like Kris Dunn even though Kris Dunn hasn’t made one shot after those moves and you’re all 14 years old)

Andrew Wiggins – (Too Canadian/nice, isn’t LeBron James¬†in his third year, analytics nerds who play more NBA 2K than actual basketball think he is the worst player since the chubby kid from “Teen Wolf”)

Thibs –¬†(Hasn’t made us perfect after 41 games, somehow has hair and is bald at the same time, won’t play Brandon Rush for unknown reasons which maybe¬†include Rush hitting on Thibs’ non-existent wife)

Zach LaVine – (Possibly made us lose one game against Dallas)

Relax, Wolves fans. ¬†Someday we are going to be great. ¬†Or we’ll screw it up, lose all our players and do the same thing for another 15 years. ¬† Enjoy!

Next up we play the Spurs in San Antonio.  Maybe this will be one of those games where Popp sits all his players just to piss people off?

GO WOLVES!!!

 

FARGO

Flip Saunders is acting like a jealous old girlfriend, spreading rumors and trying to piss everybody off in lieu of tonight’s Wolves/Cavs game.

Here’s what he had to say after practice on Monday about Kevin Love and Cleveland: ¬†“Minnesota people are pretty loyal. You turn on Minnesota, they don’t forgive you. So I think people probably appreciated him while he was here. But you leave under the terms that he did, just the way Minnesota people are, they’re not pretty forgiving along those lines.”

Dude. ¬†Flip. ¬† Do you even live in Minnesota? ¬†How do you not know how Minnesotans work? ¬†We don’t get outwardly mad at people. ¬†We get super pissed on the inside, push it way down into our bowels and then flog ourselves in a closet while staring at pictures of Kevin Love and LeBron James hugging. ¬†We’ll boo him, but it won’t be at a game. ¬†It’ll be three months later in¬†the Macy’s Skyway. ¬†We won’t be able to fit into any swimsuits for our Jamaican vacation and it’ll be the straw that broke the loon’s back and we’ll shove the swimsuit over our head and scream “Damn you, Kevin Love! ¬†You ruined my waistline!” and cry and cry.

That’s how Minnesota works: ¬†Passive-aggressive denial, rage bubbling to the surface, shame, repeat.

I, for one, would like to end this cycle.  As a Timberwolves fan and resident Minnesotan, I have decided to look at the man in the mirror and make that change.  I have been working diligently on being just flat-out AGGRESSIVE-aggressive.  When the Lakers were in town recently, I overhead a dude yelling at an employee at Target:

DUDE: Where are all your Lakers jerseys? 

EMPLOYEE: I’m sorry, we don’t have any.¬†¬†

DUDE: What?!  But the Lakers are national, man!  

EMPLOYEE:  We only carry Minnesota teams.  

ME (Running by, pointing my fingers and yelling at full volume): FUCK THE LAKERS AND FUCK YOU!  GO WOLVES! 

DUDE: Not funny, man.   

It felt good. ¬†So even though Flip is confused (especially since tonight’s Wolves/Cavs game is in CLEVELAND), I think we should try and fulfill the¬†vision and drop the passive-aggressiveness. ¬†Let’s take it at Kevin Love when the game IS played here. ¬†Let’s burn Mike Love solo albums in the parking lot. ¬†Let’s steal coats from homeless people.¬† Let’s start a GoFundMe, buy the Cleveland Cavaliers and only offer him a four-year contract worth Ricky Rubio’s jockstrap.

No more Minnesota nice. ¬†Let’s bring some Minnesota ice.

Also, they’re going to kill us. ¬†We suck really bad.

GO WOLVES!!!

It actually happened.  JJ Barea is gone.

The Wolves bought out his contract and waived him.¬† It’s all kind of bittersweet.¬† JJ was like an old recliner with pizza sauce crusted all over it.¬† Gross, embarrassing and definitely half covered in dog pee.¬† But also comfortable, because you can lean back on it or tilt it on it’s side and nobody cares if it snaps in half.¬† If he made a shot, great.¬† If he missed, well, you could curse him and expect to see him on the side of the curb by morning.

And now all our villains are gone.¬† Maniacally yelling at 1-2 Timberwolves is how I’ve survived these last few years.¬† Who is it going to be now?¬† I love the whole team.¬† Andrew Wiggins is the most likeable person on the planet.¬† I’m pretty sure Ronny Turiaf would find me and give me a hug and a $20 bill if I tweeted that I needed one.¬† Ricky Rubio farts Care Bears.¬† There’s always our idiot owner Glen Taylor, but that’s like getting mad at Daffy Duck for not wearing pants.¬† He wouldn’t even know what you mean.

I’ve reluctantly narrowed it down to three candidates:

Zach LaVine:¬† He’s a candidate because of his famous “Fuck me” incident.¬† He’s struggling to learn the point guard position and he seems pretty arrogant.¬† But damnit, I love that!¬† I love arrogant players. We’ve been too nice and awkward for too long.¬† We’re probably going to win 20-35 games, so in that process I want someone who will throw down a vicious dunk in a game while simultaneously filming it on his camera phone for Vine.¬† I want someone who probably kisses a velvet painting of himself before he goes to bed.¬† I want NBA Liberace!¬† Zach, you’re still cool.

Shabazz Muhammad:¬† Shabazz would have been perfect except for two complications: He never plays and he’s been working super hard in the off-season.¬† How do you hate that?¬† I fear that my biggest chance for a heel will just be sitting on the sidelines all season, looking ripped and innocent.¬† Have you seen his abs lately?¬† His stomach looks like a giant, unused roll of giant bubble wrap.¬† And everybody loves bubble wrap!¬† I just want to squeeze it and pop him until he can’t even stand up, for lack of stomach muscles.¬† I can’t stay mad at Shabubble!¬† Next!

Chase Budinger:¬† Ug, Chase Budinger.¬† It’s gotta be you, buddy.¬† Sorry, man.¬† You’re a good player and you’re supposedly getting your wheels back.¬† I don’t want to do this, but it’s for the good of the whole team and my own well-being.¬† So forgive me for having to pull a Harry & The Hendersons goodbye scene, but I have no choice.¬† Oh god this is hard:¬† “Get out of here, Chase Budinger!¬† Don’t you see we don’t want you anymore?¬† Why don’t you go back where you came from?¬† Now, leave us alone! *punches Chase in the face* Go. Go!”

Oh my god, that clip is so sad.¬† I’m still traumatized.¬† Come back, Chase.

harry

Tonight is the first night of the NBA season!¬† Wednesday is the Timberwolves’ season opener on the road against Memphis and then Thursday is the home opener against Detroit.¬† Go Wolves!

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

The T-Wolves season is about to begin!¬† I’ll be posting regularly once it does, but in the meantime I am freaking out.¬† KEVIN LOVE MENTIONED AND LINKED MY “Kevin Love Jersey Burning – MN Nice Style” video in his letter to Wolves fans/Cavs fans/himself/LeBron James/Mike Love.¬† I can die happy.¬† Famous people don’t seem real to me, but he’s real!¬† I will now be writing letters/making videos to the drummer from Iron Maiden, Kermit the Frog and Abraham Lincoln to try and continue this streak.

See you guys soon.

 

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar earlier this summer.  Photo from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uVIOjsZ-s0

Anthony Bennett as depicted by Asian Pixar. Photo from youtube.com/watch?v=2uVIOjsZ-s0

There are two thoughts that always give me comfort:

One: That there are still current NBA players older than me. (God bless you, Steve Nash.)

Two: That I’m less fat than Anthony Bennett.

Well damnit, AB screwed it all up and got into shape.¬† What am I supposed to do now?!¬† Soon Nash will retire to Canada and his $20,000,000 maple tree mansion and I’ll just be old and floppy.¬† Can we force Oliver Miller out of retirement?¬† Thanks Tony, now I can’t eat these Gummy Bear pancakes just because you decided to fulfill your potential.

However, if last night is any indication of how AB’s destiny is going to pan out, we’re in good shape ourselves.¬† Bennett scored 13 points and grabbed eight rebounds in just under 25 minutes of play in his Timberwolves preseason debut.¬† He threw down a couple thunderous dunks, had a killer spin move and did not once try and order a mashed potato pizza or eat JJ Barea.¬† (We would have allowed it.)

I wouldn’t be a true Minnesotan if doubt and pessimism didn’t creep back in.¬† This is only one preseason game.¬† People get lucky.¬† I’m sure Kwame Brown has had accidentally good games before.¬† Human Ent Manute Bol once hit six three pointers in a one half.¬† I won $100 in a Cap’n Crunch box in 6th grade (and spent it on a basketball, a Bell Biv Devoe tape, a Risk board game that I played by myself because I had no friends and the rest on Twix candy bars.¬† I haven’t won a damn thing since.)¬† And after all, we were playing the lowly 76ers without Joel Embiid, Noel Nerlens and Michael Carter-Williams, which officially puts them at 7th grade recess level, if the kids had never played basketball before and were all napping.

But screw it!  This is the season of unfamiliar optimism.  We have no players pushing their way out (knock on wood, knock on wood), our bench is actually way better than last year, we have potentially limitless Rubioops to Andrew Wiggins and Anthony Bennett is currently not strapped to a custard/jelly donut dialysis machine.  He may not be the next Karl Malone, but he might just live up to that #1 pick status after all.

AH SHIT!¬† I can’t write an article and not be pissy about something!¬† It feels so weird!¬† I hate JJ!¬† My taco doesn’t have enough sauce!¬† Glen Taylor hates puppies and thinks that Croatians aren’t people!¬† Phew, that’s better.¬† Now I’m ready to watch a Timberwolves season.

Go Wolves!

MNrise

This is not an anti-Kevin Love post.

I’ve focused so much mental energy on that man.¬† I wrote blog after angry blog cursing him out.¬† I begged him to stay.¬† I even made a video about Minnesotans being too nice to burn his jersey.

But I’m done complaining. Kevin Love is gone and what we got back is probably the best haul for a superstar forcing his way out, ever:

Andrew Wiggins: Holy Moses Malone, we got Wiggins!¬† I’ve been so worried for the past month that we’d screw it up or that the league would veto the trade.¬† But it actually worked out and we now have arguably (and that’s a big arguably) the most touted talent since LeBron James joining our team.¬† And he’s Canadian!¬† People always bitch about our cold weather, but that’s nothing to a Canuck!¬† Minnesota winters are Fiji to them!¬† And we live close enough that we can import poutine and Tim Horton’s relatively cheaply to make him happy.¬† The dude is chill and smiley and just wants to be on a team that wants him.¬† Well guess what, Andrew?¬† Minnesota wants you!¬† We’re desperate and friendly and we’ll take you to our cabins up north to make you feel less homesick. Seriously, if you’d have told me a year ago that we’d have Andrew Freakin’ Wiggins right now I’d have punched you in the throat and demanded to know who sent you. But now, like KG said: “Anything is possible!”¬† Let’s get Kevin Durant in 2016 and then maybe an android version of 1996 Scottie Pippen!¬† Our starting center can be Bowser from Mario Kart!

Anthony Bennett: Okay, let’s be honest: Anthony Bennett had literally the worst season ever for a #1 overall pick last year. Like¬†Nicki Minaj singing the national anthem and changing it to about butts bad.¬† It’s not even worth going into Bennett’s stats.¬† My high school varsity b-ball stats were better and I only scored two points total and even I was surprised the ball went in. However, there are reports all over the league that he’s really gotten into shape and is actually trying and doing pretty well in the summer league. If the fat kid from Teen Wolf can get better, then a former #1 player can too.¬† Oh, and he’s also Canadian!¬† Share the maple leafs, Wiggins, you got a Mountie buddy!

Thaddeus Young: I actually don’t know much about Thaddeus Young.¬† I know he averaged 17ppg last year and everybody from Philly seemed to love him. More importantly, his name is incredible. Thaddeus sounds like the name an alien overlord would give himself to try to blend in and be more likeable.¬† And according to Wikipedia, it’s the 611th most popular male name in America. (#610 is “Boy”.) But hey, Overlord Gladius Thaddeus will likely be our new starting PF and he has a reputation for NOT complaining, so count me in!

Throw these three fellas names in with other newcomers to our team like Zach Lavine and Mo Williams, then mix ’em up with our carry-over players like Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Kevin Martin, Corey Brewer, Chase Budinger, Gorgui Dieng and even Shabazz Muhammad and we’ve got a pretty dang good team.

Maybe not playoffs good yet, but hey…why start now?