Posts Tagged ‘kevin martin’

Alzheimer patient Sam Mitchell tries to remember who's on his team. Photo from

Alzheimer patient Sam Mitchell tries to remember who’s on his team. Photo from

The difference between two games can be startling.  One minute you’re hopelessly falling into Kurt Rambis 2.0 Land and the next you’re beating a Eastern Conference contender on the road and dreaming of 80-2.  Damnit Wolves, you’re never boring.

After Thursday’s game, I was in a depression spiral about our team.  I could never be an NBA coach.  I couldn’t even coach third graders shooting at a Nerf hoop.  But I think I could be a better coach than Sam Mitchell.

How in the hell do you play Karl-Anthony Towns for only 22 minutes?  And Ricky Rubio for 24?  It’s like we’re driving this fancy SUV to dinner and 1/4 of the way there we go “Fuck it, let’s take the unicycle.  No, no, let the drunk guy steer.”

It must be hard being an NBA coach, having idiots like me telling you how to do your occupation.  It’s a high-pressure, high-blame job and he got thrust into it out of necessity because of Flip’s passing.  BUT WHAT THE HELL, SAM?!   You don’t start someone if they’re old enough to have starred in Space Jam, okay?  I’ll give you a pass on KG because he’s the heart and soul of the team but the only thing Tayshaun Prince should be starting is his AARP subscription.

I wasn’t expecting a championship this year, or even making the playoffs.  But I expected to watch entertaining basketball where we got to see our young studs earn their chops in the fire.  Instead, we got mind-boggling rotations that seem to be picked by a drunk parakeet pecking at pictures taped to a wall.

I began to feel that familiar feeling of “we’re totally fucked and we’re going to have to sit through another long season of Kevin Martin holding onto the ball longer than it takes to charge a cellphone and Zach LaVine exhibiting the control of a methed-out Roller Girl.”

Then Saturday happened AND WE ARE THE GREATEST!

Karl-Anthony Towns is the next Tim Duncan/Karl Malone/Shaq/Jordan/Jesus!  Wiggins is literally made of superpowered maple leaves from Hell!  Zach LaVine is exactly the same!

And get this:  Ol’ Black Hole Chicken Wing Shot Kevin Martin misses a game and suddenly everybody gets the ball.  Unfortunately, he was out because of personal reasons involving his family.  That’s sad and I don’t like that, but I do think we can find a way to make him miss more games without personal tragedy or getting hurt.  I understand Martin is very polite.  I suggest we start inviting him to every birthday party, going away party and bris we can think of.  Tell him Pooh Richardson invited him to Burning Man, Crunch is getting married, Milt Newton is building a Kevin Martin shrine in Madagascar and he has to cut the ribbon.  I think if we do this right we can make him miss at least 75 out of the next 77 games.

Next up we play the 7-1 Hawks in Atlanta.  We’re 3-0 on the road but this is going to be a rough one.  Hopefully Dominique Wilkins will punch a guy again for non-payment on a suit and it’ll throw them off.

Go Wolves!

The rumor mill is speculating that Kevin Martin and Nikola Pekovic are returning to the Timberwolves line-up tonight.  That’s fantastic!  Unfortunately, I believe nothing anymore.  Killer bees were supposed to be here in 1985 and kill us all.  Seven year old Mike Brody didn’t sleep at all that year.  Players returning from injury?  36 year old Mike Brody will believe it when he sees it.

It would be nice if they did come back, though.  Three of our top four players (four out of five if you count Shabazz Muhammad) are out right now.  It’s called being a Timberwolf.  We are ALWAYS hurt.  I don’t understand what our trainers are doing?  If there is a PED/steroid scandal coming in the NBA then we will get off scott-free.  I don’t think our trainers even give our players band-aids.  We have the only Christian Science medical staff.  Kevin Love’s “knuckle push-up” injury was healed through spooning and watching “Frozen” on repeat.

“Oh, your hands hurt?  LET IT GO…LET IT GOOOOOOOO!”

If Pek comes back, it would be nice to see him standing next to that other Transylvania bastard, Miroslav Raduljica, that we signed last week.  Miroslav!  What a name!  It sounds like the world’s worst condiment.

“Yeah, yeah…dry-ass bagels again.  Put some of that Miroslav on there. No, no…gimme the radish kind.”

Look at how much more scary a full beard makes an Eastern-European:


Miroslav before: “Hi guys, did you watch ‘Glee’ last night?”

"I smile because I've eaten three kneecaps today."

Miroslav after: “I smile because I’ve eaten three kneecaps today.”

So tonight we play the Dallas Mavericks in Minneapolis.  I’m excited to see former Wolf JJ Barea again.  It’s like seeing an old girlfriend at the theater with their new boyfriend.  Except you’re not jealous, you just watch and chuckle as they run around with their new nightmare spilling Hawaii Punch on their Kanye West shirt and stealing the non-electric vacuum.  Enjoy the douchebag, Dallas!

Photo from

Photo from

Nobody’s ever been so happy to be 1-11!

Before the recent 121-120 win at Golden State, the Timberwolves were 0-11 in games decided by four points or less.  Imagine reaching into a box of donuts and eleven times in a row you accidentally grabbed dog poop.  Why are you still trying?  But then, boom!  12th time!  We got that sweet, sweet Eclair.  Party!  (Don’t eat it, it’s been touching poop.)

I’m in Iowa this weekend, so I had to watch the game on NBA TV.  While the “neutral” announcers didn’t come right out and say they were rooting for Golden State, they seemed a little perplexed that Minnesota exists as a state and a team.  Here’s my impression of the NBA TV announcers during nearly every Minnesota possession:

“Ricky Rubio, who was drafted before Stephen Curry, brings the ball up the court.  People say he’s good at dribbling but surely that’s only because he’s so bad at shooting, unlike Stephen Curry.”

“Future Laker Kevin Love gets the rebound.  Imagine how many boards he’ll get when he’s in a real market!”

“Nikita Petrovich sure is big for someone who nobody cares about.  Boy, he looks like the guy from Superman 2!  I’m the first person to think of that!”

“It’s -10 in Minneapolis right now.  Did you know it snowed there in May last year?  How do people live anywhere but California?  I heard they survive off of whale blubber and sleep inside of tauntuans like in “Empire Strikes Back”.

We get it, NBA.  Glen Taylor shouldn’t have illegally signed Joe Smith.  We’re sorry!  We don’t like Taylor either.  But it’s been almost 15 years!  Stop making the refs screw us on every play, stop making the announcers talk like the state of Minnesota is gross like Indiana and stop making fun of “Grumpy Old Men” (and to a lesser extent: “Grumpier Old Men”.)  I propose a deal:  We will convince Taylor, through some sort of mind-control, that he’s better off selling the team to Prince and you let us get to the playoffs.  We all remember the 2002 Kings/Lakers series.  We know you can do it.

Next up, the Timberwolves take part in the only front-office rivalry in the world:  Minnesota vs. Portland.  Come for LeMarcus Alridge vs. Kevin Love, stay for the passive-aggressive billionaire mud-pit!

It's November, Corey. Put on a coat! Photo from

It’s November, Corey. Put on a coat! Kevin’s got some. Photo from

Hey, we’re 7-4!  Not bad!  And it’s not just the usual faces like Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio and Nikola Pekovic who are helping this time around.  We’ve got a handful of new additions on the Timberwolves this year.  Let’s see how they’ve stacked up:

Corey Brewer

PRO – He’s hit some much needed corner 3’s, leaks out the back for outlet passes from Kevin Love and has made some nice hustle/defensive plays.  And he has a nice smile.

CON – He’s balding a little prematurely.  Not sure what his opinions on the Orchestra strike are.


Gorgui Dieng

PRO – He can block a shot.

CON – He can also manage to foul out of a game during pre-game warm-ups.  Seriously, the dude just walks around hitting things and hopes it turns into a block.  But he’s young.


Robbie Hummel

PRO – He has the heart of a lion, after coming back from two, count ’em, two ACL injuries in college.

CON – He looks like he should be working concessions instead of playing pro ball.  Also, “Robbie” is a drug-dealer’s name, like “Traintrack Robbie” or “Robbie Bathsalts.”


Kevin Martin

PRO – Jesus has returned and his name is K-MART!  He’s everything we’ve needed at the shooting guard position.  Screw defense!  I LOVE KEVIN MARTIN!

CON – He has probably the weirdest looking shot since Bill Cartwright, but it goes in.  I wouldn’t care if he vomited blood and played the Insane Clown Posse from his ears, belly button and butt as long as the shot went in.

GRADE – A+++++++

Shabazz Muhammad

PRO – He has arms and legs.

CON – He has arms and legs.


A.J. Price

PRO – Who?

CON – Who?

GRADE – N/A – Because I’m not convinced he’s actually a Timberwolf.

Ronny Turiaf

PRO – A friend of mine who works at Jimmy John’s delivered to him in his fancy-pants apartment and he said that he tipped well, called him sir and was the nicest guy in the world.

CON – He’s from the Caribbean and February in Minnesota hasn’t hit yet.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on the nearest jet ski out of town once it does.


We’ve got a rough stretch of games coming up involving the Clippers, Nets, Rockets, Pacers, Nuggets, Mavs, Thunder and Spurs.  YIKES.   But first up we play the Wizards and the perennially “He’s going to be a superstar next year” John Wall.  We got this.  Go Wolves!

Kevin Love Game Winner

Kevin Love’s last minute buzzer beater against the Clips. (Ignore non-current Wolf Wayne Ellington in this picture.) Photo from 

“Hey Mike Brody, that buzzer beater is from almost two years ago. Last night Kevin Love actually missed a point blank game-tying bunny at the buzzer. And we lost to the Clippers.”

See, that might seem true to you right now, but what you don’t realize is that I have a Minnesota Timberwolves time machine.  I actually went back in time and physically replaced November 2013 Clippers game Kevin Love with January 2012 Clippers game-winning shot Kevin Love and replaced them for the last ten seconds.  2012 Love made the shot and we won.  Then I swapped them back because 2012 Love wanted doughnuts.

While I was at it, I decided to go back further in the space/time vortex and create my own superteam, a la Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  It was a little awkward leaving Christian Laettner sitting there at the IDS Center Jamba Juice in 1994, but he made the Dream Team so screw that fratboy.

The All-Time Timberwolves team:

Starting PG: Ricky Rubio – “Change This Face…Be happy…Enjoy!” gets you on the all-time team.

Starting SG: Kevin Martin – Kevin is a brand new Wolf, but our second best shooting guard ever was Clyde Drexler, so it was an easy one.

Starting SF: Latrell Sprewell – Latrell helped take us to the 2004 WCF even though he couldn’t afford to feed his kids.  How selfless!

Starting PF: Kevin Love – I also went into the future and just so you know, Kevin Love will retire a Timberwolf.  In fact, he’ll be buried at 95 years old clutching his “I love Minnesota!” plateware set.

Starting C: Kevin Garnett – I know he was really a tall PF for us, but he played C for the Celtics too and can you just imagine the combo of Love and KG together?  It’d be like pizza made out of money that is also your chauffeur.


Jonny Fynn – Just kidding.

Nikola Pekovic – He’s my all-time favorite Wolf, so I feel guilty about benching him.  But KG, dude.

Sam Cassell – Alien-headed clutch machine.

Sam Mitchell – The blue-collar work horse!  The very spirit of the Timberwolves!

Wally Gugliotta – I combined Wally Szczerbiak and Tom Gugliotta to conserve space. Meet the whitest player ever.

Tony Campbell – The OG.

JR Rider – The actual OG, even though the “Jailwolves” never really had a good ring to it.

Al Jefferson – Eh, why not?

In suits:

Joe Smith – So he can pay us back all the money he owes us.

Pooh Richardson – His name is Pooh.

Troy Hudson –  Just so he doesn’t have time to pursue his rap career.

Ballboy – Stephon Marbury

Ballboy’s assistant – David Kahn

Next up, we get revenge on the Cleveland Comic Sans.  Go Wolves!

I'm going to just leave this right here.  Photo from

I’m going to just leave this right here. Photo from

My hatred of the Los Angeles Lakers is well-documented.

To add insult to injury, the Minnesota Timberwolves previously had not beaten the Lakers since 2007, when gas cost a nickel a gallon and Bing Crosby ruled the pop charts.  I say “previously” because THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, we finally beat the Lakers!

Here’s where the whiners come in.  “Oh, oh, the Lakers are injured! Sob. Sob.”  Really?  Cry us a river about injuries there, Tammy Faye Bryant.  Kobe is still recovering from an Achilles tendon injury and Steve Nash is having his face formaldehyde replenished.  Two players.  Whoopee.  Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Josh Howard, Brandon Roy, Malcolm Lee, Andrei Kirilenko every other game, even our damn coach missed large stretches of time.  I’m not even sure if Chase Budinger is a real person outside of rumor.  It’s possible that he’s just a well-preserved corpse being carted around a la “Weekend At Bernies” for some kind of tax reasons.

So what happens when the T-Wolves are finally, unbelievably, free of injury?  We stomp the Lakers’ asses, that’s what.  Not only did we beat them by 23, we had 47 points in the first quarter.  No, you didn’t read that wrong.  No, that’s not the first half.  The first QUARTER.  It was three points off from being an NBA record.  All five Minnesota starters had double digit points.  Ricky Rubio had a triple double.  It may have been the single most satisfying victory of my entire Timberwolves watching career.  You could just see all the Lakers fans wondering how they’d look in Clippers’ red & blue.  Poor, old Jack Nicholson probably goes to bed in his Lakers’ pajamas wondering if he’ll ever see the playoffs again.

I’ll give credit where credit is due, though.  I was holed up in a hotel, watching the game through a shady internet feed and I must say I like Lakers’ TV announcers.  Most “homer” announcers blindly hand-job their own team (Utah and Houston, I’m looking at you.)  But the Lakers, as evil as they are, come from a winning environment.  So there’s no way they can paint this season in a good light.  Every time the Wolves would go up big and force an LA time-out, the announcers would just sigh and say “Well, we are not a good team.”  Webster’s Dictionary defines “schadenfreude” as: a feeling of enjoyment that comes from seeing or hearing about the troubles of other people, or when the cocky-ass Lakers have a shitty-ass season.”

In conclusion:

– The Timberwolves, barring a god-hates-us injury, are definitely going to the playoffs with this team.

– The Lakers will not make the playoffs, because Kobe doesn’t know how to play in moderation.  He’s going to re-pop that crickety heel and that’s all she wrote.  Steve Nash is finally going to collapse into a pile of dust and sugar-free Larabars.   Welcome to the Nick Van Exel years 2.0.

1995 - Nick Van Exel attempts to keep his bobble head from falling off his shoulders mid-game.  Photo from

FEB 24, 1995 – Nick Van Exel’s bobble head rolls off his shoulders, requiring him to play the rest of the game in reclining position.  Photo from

Next up, the Wolves play the actually decent LA team – the Clippers at the Staples Center.  Our games against the Clippers are always entertaining, either with close games or fights or both.  Go Wolves!  Nobody step on Ricky!

Carmelo Anthony's patented "Mime In a Box" defense failed to stop the Wolves on Sunday.  Photo from

Carmelo Anthony’s patented “Angry Mime In a Box” defense failed to stop the Wolves on Sunday. Photo from

Somebody pinch me.

We’re 3-0 for the first time since 2001, something even the 2004 Western Conference Finals Timberwolves with KG couldn’t do.  We’re not just winning either, we’re really sticking it to teams.  At one point in the Oklahoma City Thunder and New York Knicks games we were up 34 and 23 respectively.  Kevin Love and Kevin Martin are playing like beasts.  Even the perennially confused and goat-faced Derrick Williams is looking good.

To be fair, Derrick Williams spent the whole summer training against the toughest competition.  Photo from

To be fair, Derrick Williams spent the whole summer training against the toughest competition. Photo from

“Yeah,” you say.  “But the Philadelphia 76ers are also 3-0 and they’re worse than the fat kid from Teen Wolf.”  Shut up!  Philly is just a fluke, okay?  They’re in the Eastern Conference.  They’ve played against two marching bands and a sock.  (Actually, the Bulls, Wizards and Heat. But I still stand by my Wizards/sock comparison.)

Here’s the part that really freaked me out: I went on Twitter and found tons of tweets of surprise and intrigue, like “Wow, the Timberwolves are for real this year!  They’re stomping the Knicks!”  But there were also a lot of “I’m jumping on the T-Wolves bandwagon!”  Now, it should be known that we need bandwagon fans.  The more popular and “cool” the Wolves seem, the better chances of Kevin Love staying.  That said, who are these spineless, trendy, fairweather fans that come out of nowhere?  For the last ten years, the Timberwolves have been about as appealing as Bill Laimbeer in a boy band.  I’m sorry, but you don’t get to call yourselves a real Timberwolves fan unless you either live in Minnesota or the very idea of Kurt Rambis makes you want to barf all over Troy Hudson’s rap album.

Enough of the negatives.  Here’s the positive: We’re healthy and we’re going to prove ourselves to a ton of people this year.  And most importantly, we got a bit of swagger.  After we went up big on the Knicks on Sunday, they came back and we still fought them off.  Kevin Love hit a crazy, off balance shot to pretty much seal it for us.  And when he ran down the sideline he shoved his hand in Knicks’ superfan Spike Lee’s face and yanked a high five from him.  I love it.  It sums up this Minnesota Timberwolves team perfectly: We’ve been overlooked to the point of non-existence.  But we’re here, we’re whooping your team’s ass and your lousy movie-directing ass can’t ignore us anymore.  So do the right thing and watch us get ours this year.

Up next, we play the team that LeBron James definitely won’t be going back to.  Will the Wolves go 4-0? Or will Kyrie Irving and the corpse of Andrew Bynum stop our streak?  Go Wolves!