Posts Tagged ‘kobe bryant’


Photo from

Zach LaVine has such a man-crush on Kobe Bryant.  The dude went for 28 points on 11-14 shooting in the breakout performance of his short career and still all he talked about in interviews was the Black Mamba.  He spoke about Bryant the way I speak about the guy who invented Rolo Minis.

INTERVIEWER: Zach LaVine, how do you feel about this win, as well as your career high output tonight?  It’s got to feel great. 

ZACH LAVINE: Do you think Kobe saw it?

INTERVIEWER: Saw the game?  Yes.  He played in it.  

ZL: Yeah, but do you think…wait…did you talk to Kobe on this microphone?  

INTERVIEWER: Yes, during halftime. 

*tusseling, fumbling noise* 

INTERVIEWER:  Give me…stop it!  Give me that microphone back!

ZL:  Everything I do, I do it for you, Kobe!  *Licks microphone and jumps over four foot wall* 

Zach couldn’t believe we won that game and neither could I.  Dear lord, how bad do the Lakers have to be to lose to us?  I’d almost feel bad for them if they hadn’t stolen our team (and five championships) some 50 years ago.  How did they sink this far?  They have one of the greatest players of this generation in his Depends years, a couple decent starters, Carlos Boozer and then the people who got turned down to be Washington Generals.

We’re not much better, but at least we have some kind of visible future.  All our young guys are showing promise:

Ricky Rubio:  He hurt his ankle while flying a hippogriff, but he really was making huge strides in his jump shot and strength.

Andrew Wiggins:  He’s going to be a stud.  We just need him to get angry and go nuclear.  Anybody know how to piss off a soft-spoken Canadian?  Can someone tear up a picture of Celine Dion, please?

Anthony Bennett:  I love Anthony Bennett!  Those tomahawk dunks!  That 20 footer!  His ability to look fat even when he’s skinny!  The fact that his name is TONY BENNETT!  He’s the greatest player to be a draft flop ever!

Gorgui Dieng:  Gorgui’s actually 45 years old, but Dikembe Mutombo played until he was 82 so we’re good.

Shabazz Muhammad:  Shabazz went from the scapegoat draft pick to fan favorite faster than you can sneak a girl into the Rookie Transition Program hotel.  I ain’t mad at ya, Shabazz.

Zach LaVine:  He plays like Russell Westbrook and Scottie Pippen when Kobe’s around.

Next up we play the Trail Blazers (12-4) in Portland on Sunday night.  Let’s hope Zach LaVine grew up watching Damian Lillard, otherwise they’re going to kill us.  Go Wolves!

I'm going to just leave this right here.  Photo from

I’m going to just leave this right here. Photo from

My hatred of the Los Angeles Lakers is well-documented.

To add insult to injury, the Minnesota Timberwolves previously had not beaten the Lakers since 2007, when gas cost a nickel a gallon and Bing Crosby ruled the pop charts.  I say “previously” because THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, we finally beat the Lakers!

Here’s where the whiners come in.  “Oh, oh, the Lakers are injured! Sob. Sob.”  Really?  Cry us a river about injuries there, Tammy Faye Bryant.  Kobe is still recovering from an Achilles tendon injury and Steve Nash is having his face formaldehyde replenished.  Two players.  Whoopee.  Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Josh Howard, Brandon Roy, Malcolm Lee, Andrei Kirilenko every other game, even our damn coach missed large stretches of time.  I’m not even sure if Chase Budinger is a real person outside of rumor.  It’s possible that he’s just a well-preserved corpse being carted around a la “Weekend At Bernies” for some kind of tax reasons.

So what happens when the T-Wolves are finally, unbelievably, free of injury?  We stomp the Lakers’ asses, that’s what.  Not only did we beat them by 23, we had 47 points in the first quarter.  No, you didn’t read that wrong.  No, that’s not the first half.  The first QUARTER.  It was three points off from being an NBA record.  All five Minnesota starters had double digit points.  Ricky Rubio had a triple double.  It may have been the single most satisfying victory of my entire Timberwolves watching career.  You could just see all the Lakers fans wondering how they’d look in Clippers’ red & blue.  Poor, old Jack Nicholson probably goes to bed in his Lakers’ pajamas wondering if he’ll ever see the playoffs again.

I’ll give credit where credit is due, though.  I was holed up in a hotel, watching the game through a shady internet feed and I must say I like Lakers’ TV announcers.  Most “homer” announcers blindly hand-job their own team (Utah and Houston, I’m looking at you.)  But the Lakers, as evil as they are, come from a winning environment.  So there’s no way they can paint this season in a good light.  Every time the Wolves would go up big and force an LA time-out, the announcers would just sigh and say “Well, we are not a good team.”  Webster’s Dictionary defines “schadenfreude” as: a feeling of enjoyment that comes from seeing or hearing about the troubles of other people, or when the cocky-ass Lakers have a shitty-ass season.”

In conclusion:

– The Timberwolves, barring a god-hates-us injury, are definitely going to the playoffs with this team.

– The Lakers will not make the playoffs, because Kobe doesn’t know how to play in moderation.  He’s going to re-pop that crickety heel and that’s all she wrote.  Steve Nash is finally going to collapse into a pile of dust and sugar-free Larabars.   Welcome to the Nick Van Exel years 2.0.

1995 - Nick Van Exel attempts to keep his bobble head from falling off his shoulders mid-game.  Photo from

FEB 24, 1995 – Nick Van Exel’s bobble head rolls off his shoulders, requiring him to play the rest of the game in reclining position.  Photo from

Next up, the Wolves play the actually decent LA team – the Clippers at the Staples Center.  Our games against the Clippers are always entertaining, either with close games or fights or both.  Go Wolves!  Nobody step on Ricky!

I don’t think I have to tell you how much I hate the Los Angeles Lakers, because I already have.

And we have a chance to completely ruin their season.  The Lakers and the Utah Jazz are in a dogfight for the last spot in the Western Conference playoffs.  There’s only about a half dozen games left in the season and every single one counts.  And lo and behold, guess who plays the Jazz TWICE before the season’s out?  Your very own Minnesota Timberwolves.

I love that Minnesotans are honest and hard-working people.  I love that we pride ethics in our lives.  But the Minnesota Timberwolves are not from Minnesota.  Luke Ridnour’s from Oregon, Ricky Rubio’s from Spain, Kevin Love was born at sea on Dennis Wilson’s house boat and Nikola Pekovic was born and raised on the Berlin Wall, I think.  And therefore, I say fuck it!  Let’s throw these damn games.

What’s the worst that could happen?  The 1919 White Sox purposely lost the World Series for money and what happened to them?  I think they got banned for life or something, but they made it onto the Field Of Dreams!  And that’s all anybody really remembers or cares about.  Does anybody remember Shoeless Joe Jackson’s nemesis, Pointy-Boots LaRue?  No, they don’t.  They remember the famous cheater who hung out with Kevin Costner.

No playoffs for you this year, Lakers!  Because if it’s one thing the Timberwolves are good at, it’s losing.  I want to see Lakers fans jumping ship like it’s the Titanic.  And the last three people on board are Kobe, Dwight and Nash playing their stupid million dollar violins.  Kobe will turn to those two and say “Gentlemen, it’s been an honor playing with you this season.  And when I say honor, I mean it was the worst.  God, you guys suck.”

We created you guys.  The Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers.  There’s no lakes in California, just black tar heroin pits and stripper glitter reservoirs.  You stole our team.  And now 50 years later we’re repaying the debt by ruining your season.  Greg Steimsma will be starting at point guard in both games against Utah.  JJ Barea will be playing center.  A sad and lonely Christian Laettner will be coming out of retirement and starting at PF.  We’re going down, Los Angeles.  And there’s nothing you can do about it.

See you in the Lottery, bitches.

Minneapolis Lakers

Bah!  We can’t even beat the Lakers when they suck!

What has to happen for us to beat these sons of bitches?  Dwight Howard’s an idiot whose back is made out of Jello Pudding Pop sticks.  Steve Nash went to a Rolling Stones concert and got mistaken for one of their parents.  And Kobe Bryant is about to lose his mind and pull a Mel Gibson voicemail on the rest of the team.  Damnit, Earl Clark, you blow Kobe first before you get into the jacuzzi!  Kobe’s going to burn this house down!

The Lakers have literally beaten the Timberwolves 20 times in a row now.  20 times!  I don’t even know why we keep trying.  If you asked a girl out 20 times you’d probably have a restraining order by now.  Except this girl’s not even hot anymore.  She’s dysfunctional and got fired from her stripper job for eating a cheeseburger on stage.

The really annoying thing about this Lakers team is that their fans are boo-hooing all over the place because they’re currently 3 1/2 games out of the playoffs.  AHHHHHHHHHHHH…poor babies.  What’s it like to miss one year of the playoffs?  This has to be the second hardest moment of your life, after that one time “Dancing With The Stars” didn’t DVR.  Now take a look at the Timberwolves.  If Kevin Garnett did not exist, we might not have made the playoffs, EVER!  That’s since 1989.  The Simpsons debuted that year.  So tickle my butt with your nose, LA.

It's been a tough season for life-time bandwagon fans.  Photo from

It’s been a tough season for lifetime bandwagon fans. Photo from

Lakers fans are just the worst.  I’ll cut you some slack if you live in LA or have before, but other than that you’re the poser of all poser fans.  These are the same people who root for the New York Yankees and the Dallas Cowboys.  They ask for mild sauce at a Thai restaurant and complain when Facebook makes a change.  These people don’t like basketball.  They like security and being on the winning team.  Which is why their completely unexpected implosion this season is just so, so satisfying to watch.

And they still beat us.

I’m running out of injury jokes.

This is pathetic.  Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Chase Budinger, Brandon Roy, Josh Howard, Malcolm Lee, JJ Barea, Andrei Kirilenko and Lazar Haywood have all been injured significantly this season or are completely out for the rest of the year.  Now add to the pile: Nikola Pekovic and Alexey Shved, who both got hurt last night.  Our goddamn coach has missed half a dozen games.  Derrick Williams and Luke Ridnour are the only major players to not get hurt and that’s because Luke can’t afford to miss a game and Derrick’s too dumb to realize that’s the thing to do.   I say we bring back our Muskie jerseys from last season.  Maybe the curse of those jerseys will negate the curse of this season and we’ll magically heal?

The Minnesota Timberwolves' prospects for the future.  Photo from

The newest addition to the Timberwolves team. Photo from

I will continue to watch and root for the Timberwolves, because they are my team and I’m not going to stop now.  But the season has become about two things for me:

1) I hope the Lakers don’t make the playoffs.  Or, at the very least, I just want them to continue to in-fight and suck and cry like a rich kid that doesn’t get their own helicopter.  God, I hate the Lakers.  I hate their spoiled, pampered, bandwagon-fake fans.  I hate Kobe Bryant and his wishing-he’s-Jordan, wannabe ass.  I hate Lamar Odom and he doesn’t even play for them anymore.  And guess what, bitches?  Five of your 16 championships are from the MINNEAPOLIS Lakers, so as far as I’m concerned the Celtics are up six rings on you.

2) Let’s get a lottery pick.  Is it even possible to make a bad choice?  We just need bodies.  Throw a dart at a dartboard.  Draft a baseball player.  Draft a crash test dummy.  Draft THE Crash Test Dummies.

Once there was this boy who
Got into an accident while doing knuckle push-ups
But when he finally came back
His hand re-broke again in the same place
They said that it was from when
His hand smashed the wall so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this boy who
Tore his ACL while colliding with a rapist
But when he finally came back
He seemed to forget how to play basketball
He couldn’t quite explain it
He’d always just known how

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both of those boys were glad
Cause one kid had it worse than that

Cause then there was this boy whose
team made him retire because he had no cartilege in his knees
And when he tried to come back
His knees said are you fucking kidding me
He couldn’t quite explain it
He didn’t know that knees talked

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Next up, we play the Houston Rockets, who’ve also lost five games in a row.  What’s their excuse?  I guess I’d rather suck by acts of God instead of just plain sucking.

Gee, it sure would have been nice to have had our superstar player last night.

I hate Kobe Bryant, but you can’t stop that man from playing.  You could cut his head off and dangle it from the Hollywood sign and he’d still find a way to Headless Horseman to the game and have 33 points.  When Kobe retires eventually, somebody’s going to tap his knee with a tiny hammer and he’s going to crumble into a pile of dust from the collective strain of ignoring injuries for 20 years.

Kevin Love is the opposite of Kobe Bryant.  I can’t count how many big games he’s missed over the years due to hands, thumbs, knees, voodoo curses, Breaking Bad season finales and “flu-like symptoms.”  God help him when he gets a real flu.  He’ll miss a minimum of five years.

This time, he had an eye injury.  Sure!  Why not?  Didn’t he watch The Three Stooges ever?  Everybody knows you put your hand up straight on your nose and block that shit.

I think us fans are just tired of his surprise injuries.  So, to combat this, I consulted the tea leaves (I went to Starbucks) and made some predictions about what injuries Kevin Love will sustain the rest of the year:

JAN 17 – Flesh-eating virus

JAN 23 – Arm stuck in candy machine

FEB 1 – Amnesia

FEB 23 – Server at T.G.I. Friday’s made him feel bad

MARCH 1 – Rickets

MARCH 24 – Shark bite

MARCH 31 – Beach ball to the face (Damnit Kev, stay away from the beaches!)

APRIL 3 – Gets trapped in the astral plane

APRIL 4 – Knuckle push-ups while bowling with Andrew Bynum

APRIL 12 – Fork to the eye

APRIL 13 – Yeast infection

APRIL  14 – Fork to the other eye

APRIL 15 – Hunger-like symptoms

APRIL 16 – Fork to the first eye again

APRIL 17 – The farts

APRIL 20  – Falls off couch watching the NBA playoffs at home

Kevin Love hurts himself bathing.  Photo from

Kevin Love hurts himself bathing. Photo from