Posts Tagged ‘kris humphries’

Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year.  The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker.  I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas.  Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable?   “G-String” McGee?

To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore.  I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix.  He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A.  I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls.  Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying.  Enemies for life.

So I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals.  I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to hire me straight out when he hears these:

Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry. 

Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school.  We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math.  But it works out for everybody.  We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.

Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries. 

Hear me out.  We need a guy to boo.  Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.)  Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people.  But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas.  We get a guy who is okay at basketball and more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues.  Hello ticket sales!

Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney

Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player.  But hey, neither was Darko Miličić.  Just look at that last name.  It looks like even Miličić’s letters are trying to leave him.  If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too.  But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team?  Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray.  We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes.  And “G-String” McGee can join too!  Win-Win!


“My my my!  I am the BEST looking 12th man in the NBA!”

Thank me later, Thibs.

Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night.  Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.

Go Wolves!!!


Get over yourself, Brooklyn.  Nobody thinks you’re special just because Jay-Z and a Russian supervillain bought you.

But that’s what Brooklyn’s best at: Thinking they’re special.  Have you seen the Brooklyn Nets’ reality show, “The Association”?  At one point, Rosie Perez (Rosie Perez? There’s nobody else from Brooklyn?) walks new Net Joe Johnson around the “neighborhood” to show him how much it means to the community and how really small and tight knit they are.  As if 3/4 of them wouldn’t steal your hub-caps.  Spare me the “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn” underdog bullshit.  Oh yeah, you’re just a regular hayseed there, Cleatus.  You want to talk about small towns?  I grew up in a small town in northern Iowa.  Everything’s 20 years behind.  Pearl Jam “Ten” just came out on cassette there.

We’re not falling for your awe-shucks “America’s Team” ruse, Brooklyn.  The rest of the country knows exactly who you really are.  Allow me to volunteer my take:

DERON WILLIAMS:  Infamous coach-killer with weird flat/shiny/tin-foil hair.  If he were a movie character he’d totally be the guy who pretends to be your friend and then pushs you into the zombies to get away.  Never trust anybody who’s friends with Dwight Howard.

JOE JOHNSON:  Joe Johnson would probably be much more famous if he didn’t have the most generic name of all time.  Why not “Man Guy” or “Basketball Player #2”?  Listen, he’s a good player but he’s old enough to remember when Reebok “Pumps” and Hypercolor first came out so tick-tock there, Man Guy.

BROOK LOPEZ:  I’m convinced somebody gave steroids to Screech from Saved By The Bell and changed his name to Brook Lopez.  And how does a 7’0″ man average only seven rebounds a game for his career?  I guess jumping in the air leaves you vulnerable to Slater-wedgies.

Screech Brook Lopez

Brook Lopez’s high school basketball card is highly collectible. Photo from

KRIS HUMPHRIES:  He humped Kim Kardashian.  Supposedly he plays basketball too.


JERRY STACKHOUSE:  Born during World War I, Stackhouse is the all-time leader in barnstorming and peach-basket shot attempts.

REGGIE EVANS:  You were an Iowa Hawkeye.  Iowa code forbids hating on another Iowan unless they are an Iowa State Cyclone.  Proceed.

GERALD WALLACE:  The greatest Charlotte Bobcat of all time!  Which makes him the 1,000,000th best player in NBA history.  Dude, growing corn-row/dreads doesn’t make you look any less balding.  It just makes it look like your hair is jumping off the back of your head in a single-file line.

Gerald Wallace just realizing he spent his glory days as a Bobcat.  Photo from

Gerald Wallace just realizing he spent his glory days as a Bobcat. Photo from

Next up, the Timberwolves play the Wizards in Washington. For the love of God, let’s get a win.  These guys are horrible.