Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year. The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas. Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable? “G-String” McGee?
To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore. I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix. He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A. I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls. Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying. Enemies for life.
So I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals. I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to hire me straight out when he hears these:
Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry.
Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school. We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math. But it works out for everybody. We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.
Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries.
Hear me out. We need a guy to boo. Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.) Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people. But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas. We get a guy who is okay at basketball and more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues. Hello ticket sales!
Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney.
Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player. But hey, neither was Darko Miličić. Just look at that last name. It looks like even Miličić’s letters are trying to leave him. If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too. But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team? Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray. We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes. And “G-String” McGee can join too! Win-Win!
Thank me later, Thibs.
Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night. Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.