Posts Tagged ‘la lakers’

Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

“And with the #1 Pick in the NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…”

Those are words that have never been said.  Officially.  I’ve said them outloud.  I said them 57 times yesterday.  I’m saying them right now while throwing confetti and giggling to myself as I type this.  Saying the Timberwolves have the #1 pick was about as much of a reality as pancakes being president.

Until yesterday.

Long live President Pancakes, because the MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES HAVE THE #1 PICK IN THE NBA DRAFT!

Who do we pick?  Do we take Jahlil Okafor?  Do we trade down and get D’Angelo Russell and another player?  What about that weird Eastern European guy whose name sounds like Portishead?  ARE YOU NUTS?!  We take Karl-Anthony Towns ten times out of ten. If Karl-Anthony Towns loses a leg, decides that Royce White is his spiritual advisor and insists on dressing like George Washington we STILL TAKE KARL-ANTHONY TOWNS!  Why?  I’m not Zach Lowe, but it’s pretty simple.  There are two potential franchise big men in the draft.  One is good at defense (Towns) and one guards the rim about as well as a Pomeranian guards a skyscraper (Okafor).  We are bad at defense.  Boom.  Towns!

Also, there’s this:

You had me at the quotation mark.

You had me at quotation marks.  Us Minnesotans are used to being shit on and snickered at.  This dude, whether he means it or not, just said all the right things.  He’s already fitting right in with Minnesotans.  Be super polite at first, push your pain and hatred deep down and then explode in uncontrollable rage seven years down the line.  THAT’S how we do it in Bunyon Town.

Now Flip just needs to draft the right player.  Minnesota has never drafted the wrong player before, right?  Who’s Steph Curry?  Never heard of him.

See you all on June 25th for the draft!

ZACH

Photo from i.cdn.turner.com/

Zach LaVine has such a man-crush on Kobe Bryant.  The dude went for 28 points on 11-14 shooting in the breakout performance of his short career and still all he talked about in interviews was the Black Mamba.  He spoke about Bryant the way I speak about the guy who invented Rolo Minis.

INTERVIEWER: Zach LaVine, how do you feel about this win, as well as your career high output tonight?  It’s got to feel great. 

ZACH LAVINE: Do you think Kobe saw it?

INTERVIEWER: Saw the game?  Yes.  He played in it.  

ZL: Yeah, but do you think…wait…did you talk to Kobe on this microphone?  

INTERVIEWER: Yes, during halftime. 

*tusseling, fumbling noise* 

INTERVIEWER:  Give me…stop it!  Give me that microphone back!

ZL:  Everything I do, I do it for you, Kobe!  *Licks microphone and jumps over four foot wall* 

Zach couldn’t believe we won that game and neither could I.  Dear lord, how bad do the Lakers have to be to lose to us?  I’d almost feel bad for them if they hadn’t stolen our team (and five championships) some 50 years ago.  How did they sink this far?  They have one of the greatest players of this generation in his Depends years, a couple decent starters, Carlos Boozer and then the people who got turned down to be Washington Generals.

We’re not much better, but at least we have some kind of visible future.  All our young guys are showing promise:

Ricky Rubio:  He hurt his ankle while flying a hippogriff, but he really was making huge strides in his jump shot and strength.

Andrew Wiggins:  He’s going to be a stud.  We just need him to get angry and go nuclear.  Anybody know how to piss off a soft-spoken Canadian?  Can someone tear up a picture of Celine Dion, please?

Anthony Bennett:  I love Anthony Bennett!  Those tomahawk dunks!  That 20 footer!  His ability to look fat even when he’s skinny!  The fact that his name is TONY BENNETT!  He’s the greatest player to be a draft flop ever!

Gorgui Dieng:  Gorgui’s actually 45 years old, but Dikembe Mutombo played until he was 82 so we’re good.

Shabazz Muhammad:  Shabazz went from the scapegoat draft pick to fan favorite faster than you can sneak a girl into the Rookie Transition Program hotel.  I ain’t mad at ya, Shabazz.

Zach LaVine:  He plays like Russell Westbrook and Scottie Pippen when Kobe’s around.

Next up we play the Trail Blazers (12-4) in Portland on Sunday night.  Let’s hope Zach LaVine grew up watching Damian Lillard, otherwise they’re going to kill us.  Go Wolves!

Los Angeles Lakers 107 – 143 Minnesota Timberwolves

If that’s your sales pitch for Kevin Love then I’m not too worried about 2015.

Nice game, douchebags.

lakerlosers

I'm going to just leave this right here.  Photo from sportsillustrated.com

I’m going to just leave this right here. Photo from sportsillustrated.com

My hatred of the Los Angeles Lakers is well-documented.

To add insult to injury, the Minnesota Timberwolves previously had not beaten the Lakers since 2007, when gas cost a nickel a gallon and Bing Crosby ruled the pop charts.  I say “previously” because THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, we finally beat the Lakers!

Here’s where the whiners come in.  “Oh, oh, the Lakers are injured! Sob. Sob.”  Really?  Cry us a river about injuries there, Tammy Faye Bryant.  Kobe is still recovering from an Achilles tendon injury and Steve Nash is having his face formaldehyde replenished.  Two players.  Whoopee.  Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Josh Howard, Brandon Roy, Malcolm Lee, Andrei Kirilenko every other game, even our damn coach missed large stretches of time.  I’m not even sure if Chase Budinger is a real person outside of rumor.  It’s possible that he’s just a well-preserved corpse being carted around a la “Weekend At Bernies” for some kind of tax reasons.

So what happens when the T-Wolves are finally, unbelievably, free of injury?  We stomp the Lakers’ asses, that’s what.  Not only did we beat them by 23, we had 47 points in the first quarter.  No, you didn’t read that wrong.  No, that’s not the first half.  The first QUARTER.  It was three points off from being an NBA record.  All five Minnesota starters had double digit points.  Ricky Rubio had a triple double.  It may have been the single most satisfying victory of my entire Timberwolves watching career.  You could just see all the Lakers fans wondering how they’d look in Clippers’ red & blue.  Poor, old Jack Nicholson probably goes to bed in his Lakers’ pajamas wondering if he’ll ever see the playoffs again.

I’ll give credit where credit is due, though.  I was holed up in a hotel, watching the game through a shady internet feed and I must say I like Lakers’ TV announcers.  Most “homer” announcers blindly hand-job their own team (Utah and Houston, I’m looking at you.)  But the Lakers, as evil as they are, come from a winning environment.  So there’s no way they can paint this season in a good light.  Every time the Wolves would go up big and force an LA time-out, the announcers would just sigh and say “Well, we are not a good team.”  Webster’s Dictionary defines “schadenfreude” as: a feeling of enjoyment that comes from seeing or hearing about the troubles of other people, or when the cocky-ass Lakers have a shitty-ass season.”

In conclusion:

– The Timberwolves, barring a god-hates-us injury, are definitely going to the playoffs with this team.

– The Lakers will not make the playoffs, because Kobe doesn’t know how to play in moderation.  He’s going to re-pop that crickety heel and that’s all she wrote.  Steve Nash is finally going to collapse into a pile of dust and sugar-free Larabars.   Welcome to the Nick Van Exel years 2.0.

1995 - Nick Van Exel attempts to keep his bobble head from falling off his shoulders mid-game.  Photo from img.bleacherreport.netimg.bleacherreport.ne

FEB 24, 1995 – Nick Van Exel’s bobble head rolls off his shoulders, requiring him to play the rest of the game in reclining position.  Photo from img.bleacherreport.net

Next up, the Wolves play the actually decent LA team – the Clippers at the Staples Center.  Our games against the Clippers are always entertaining, either with close games or fights or both.  Go Wolves!  Nobody step on Ricky!

Ricky Rubio changed my life last night.

Here’s what happened: The Timberwolves were getting their asses handed to them in a season full of ass-handery.  Alexey Shved, who’s been playing poorly, is not taking it well.  Enter Ricky and seven simple, adorably accented words.

“Alexey, change this face.  Be happy.  Enjoy!” (Video below)

Are there truer words in the world?  This is what I need to remind myself of every time the bitch in my apartment complex let’s her dog pee in the elevator or when I remember that Indiana purposely exists as a state.  How easy is it to get wrapped up in the world and think that our cellphone bills and portfolios and social status are all that matters?  I don’t even know what a portfolio is, to be honest.  Is that like a Trapper Keeper for accountants?

This is going to be my new creed whenever something unimportant starts to piss me off.   Whenever the small town Subway line takes forever because country people don’t have anywhere else to be.  Whenever the stupid CVS lady puts my soda bottle in a bag even though she knows damn well that I come in every day and never want one.  Whenever the people with clipboards, vests and skinny pants downtown harass me on the street because they want my signature to help protect our rights to ironic epiphanies.

Shhhh…listen to Ricky:

“Brody, change this face.  Be happy.  Enjoy!”

Life is short.  Don’t forget to enjoy it and smile or it’ll pass you by.

Thanks Ricky.

Go Wolves!

Ricky Rubio Peace Sign