Posts Tagged ‘lebron james’

lanceblow

No caption necessary

The Minnesota Timberwolves have signed journeyman, famous ear-blower and Dion Waiters soulmate Lance Stephenson to a 10-day contract.  On the surface, this seems like it has no downside.  What can happen in ten days, anyway?  Oh yeah:

donald-trump

Stephenson is a bit of an anomaly.  He seemingly has all the physical talent in the world mixed with the maturity of a third-grader who didn’t get his Fruit Roll-Up.  He’s like Yosemite Sam without any guns or a hat or a home.

And yet, I’m optimistic.  I have to be, I’m a Timberwolves fan.  Optimism is all we have.  Every true Wolves fan is delusionally under the impression that “MAYBE THIS IS IT?”.  Michael Beasley, JJ Barea, Andrei Kirilenko…it always seems good on paper.  And then they smoke themselves silly (and leave an estate sale full of wine stains and decorative eggs), get into fights about who’s the alpha on the team even though they’re 4’2″ and physically crumble like a Russian tea cake someone left on Boris Yeltsin’s radiator.

BEST CASE SCENARIO:

Lance has a resurgence a la Dion Waiters in Miami and we sign him for the rest of the year.  He continues to blow in LeBron’s ear (because that is awesome).  His former mentor, Larry Bird, is so moved by Lance’s redemption story that he leaves the Pacers’ front office, gets a robotic spine and returns to basketball as a Timberwolves player, beginning our run of 33 consecutive NBA titles.

WORST CASE SCENARIO:

He accidentally kills Karl-Anthony Towns on Day 3 after bringing an ATV to practice.

WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN:

Lance will be Lance.  And by that I mean an idiot.  He’ll have a few amazing shots, but mostly will swing his dick around and possibly bring a Nintendo Switch onto the court.  We will sign him for the rest of the year, because we are Minnesota.  He’ll be in China by summer, which is where former Timberwolves go to feel better about themselves.  He’ll average 45 ppg until he blows into Chinese leader Xi Jinping’s ear, after which he’ll spend the rest of his life making LeBron James’ shoes in a basement in Beijing.

Next up we play the Raptors in Minneapolis.  Screw you, Toronto!  You’ll never get Maple Jordan back!

GO WOLVES!!!

 

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

Photo from theplayerstribune.com

The T-Wolves season is about to begin!  I’ll be posting regularly once it does, but in the meantime I am freaking out.  KEVIN LOVE MENTIONED AND LINKED MY “Kevin Love Jersey Burning – MN Nice Style” video in his letter to Wolves fans/Cavs fans/himself/LeBron James/Mike Love.  I can die happy.  Famous people don’t seem real to me, but he’s real!  I will now be writing letters/making videos to the drummer from Iron Maiden, Kermit the Frog and Abraham Lincoln to try and continue this streak.

See you guys soon.

 

Thank God for the Miami Heat!

Don’t get me wrong, I hate Miami.  They’re the villains of the league.  They’re Voldemort, Sauron and Screech all rolled into one.  They symbolize everything’s that’s lazy, impatient and egomaniacal about the league.  They bought their team.

But I’m a Minnesota Timberwolves fan.  And we suck.  The last time I was emotionally invested in a playoff game involving my team I was also setting up my first Myspace account.  In the absence of a team to root for, the Heat give me a team to root against.  So I am really, really into this year’s Finals.  Because fuck the Miami Heat.

And what better team to play the Heat than the San Antonio Spurs?  They’ve got four rings and are still somehow an underdog.  It’s everything that’s right with the NBA vs. everything that’s wrong.  It’s discipline vs. flash.  Draft picks/grassroots vs. free agency.  Aged vs. sorta-aged-but-hiding-under-a-headband.  2013 Bob Dylan vs. One Direction.  Michael Douglas vs. cunnilingus.  Wait, what was I talking about again?

Who will win between these two titans of professional basketball?  Who knows?  There’s so many factors.

Here’s what the Heat need to win this series:

LeBron just needs to be LeBron.  I hate his personality and way of life, but as a player it’s pretty hard to find much fault anymore.

A healthy Dwyane Wade.

A healthy Chris Bosh.

A hot shooting Ray Allen.

A healthy Mike Miller who doesn’t spontaneously combust into a pile of dust and hair-bands.

A Birdman who stays away from underaged girls.

A Birdman who stays away from drugs.

A Birdman who stays away from drug-addicted, underage girls and the illegal panda black market or whatever other shady shit he’s probably involved in.

A Norris Cole who doesn’t quit to join Bell Biv Devoe.

"If I touch your chin does your hair go higher?" Photo from 4.bp.blogspot.com

“If I touch your chin does your hair go higher?” Photo from 4.bp.blogspot.com

A healthy Rashard Lewis.  Just kidding.

A Juwan Howard who doesn’t get dementia from old age, think he’s LeBron James and try to dunk in his Men’s Warehouse suit.

A Shane Battier who realizes that for such a nerdy, bookish type he sure does knee people in the balls a lot.

Here’s what the Spurs need to win this series:

A Tim Duncan that keeps forgetting he’s 100 years old.  He’s like that baby boomer in the office that just won’t retire and let the younger generation have a job.  Tim Duncan was at Woodstock.

A Tony Parker who plays like he did against the Grizzlies.  Parker is easily the most talented person who’s ever been on the cover of US Weekly.  Although I heard Lindsay Lohan can ball too.

Tony Parker celebrating the big Western Conference Finals victory. Photo from talltalescameron.files.wordpress.com

Tony Parker celebrating the big Western Conference Finals victory. Photo from talltalescameron.files.wordpress.com

A can of spray-on hair for Manu Ginobli and that stupid bald spot of his.  What’s with the Fryar Tuck cut, Manu?  I know the Spurs don’t care about sponsorship, but you look like you should be selling lotion at a kiosk in the mall.

Manu is going for the "Wow, your dad sure is good at basketball" market.  Photo from usatoday.com

Manu going for the illustrious “Best old guy at the YMCA at noon” look/market. Photo from usatoday.com

A healthy Tracy McGrady.  Just kidding.

A Matt Bonner who keeps calling himself “Red Mamba” while heaving up three pointers with the form and grace of a sixth grade girl and somehow making them.  I’m pretty sure Bill Cartwright taught him how to shoot.

A Kawhi Leonard who continues to defy expectations by being the most fundamentally sound player in cornrows, ever.

A Patty Mills who keeps doing this.  Whatever the hell this is:

(On a side note: It took me months before I figured out his name wasn’t “Patty Melt.”  I was so disappointed.  He sounded delicious.)

Game 1 starts Thursday night at 8pm central time.  Go Spurs!  Boo Heat!  Down with Voldemort!

“Minnesota Timberwolves” and “All-Star” don’t pop up in the same sentence very often.  In 25 years as an organization, the T-Wolves have sent five players to the All-Star game for a grand total of 15 appearances.  Michael Beasley’s been to the Hennepin County Courthouse more than that.  And if you take away Kevin Garnett and Kevin Love (Stephon Marbury somehow never made the team), that leaves you with three All-Star appearances total for the Timberpuppies.  Latrell Sprewell’s choked more coaches than that.

These past non-Kevin All-Stars have been all but forgotten.  What are the odds of a young NBA fan even remembering these guys?  There’s a better chance of LeBron James choosing Minnesota in free agency.  “I’m going to take my talents to Lake Minnetonka.  Me and Kent Hrbek are going to win not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven ice-fishing championships together.”

Tom Gugliotta – 1997 All-Star Game

GOOGS!

The Timberwolves have a long history of playing frat-boy looking players, and Googs is the Godfather of Greek.  Don’t get me wrong, Googs was a great player.  But all I can think about when he comes to mind is that god-awful late-90s barbed wire tattoo on his arm.  So Pamela Anderson.  Big Baywatch fan, Googs was.  Did he get a tramp-stamp too?  Hopefully he covered it up with something more timeless like a tribal tattoo.  Wait…

Googs!  Oh god, that late-90s barbed wire tattoo is killing me.  So embarrasing.  Hopefully he covered it up with something timeless like a tribal tattoo.  Wait.  Photo from bleacherreport.com

Where’s your pooka shells, Googs?   Photo from bleacherreport.com

Wally Szcerbiak – 2002 All-Star Game

It actually took me a few years to figure out that Wally wasn’t Gugliotta with a different haircut.  If Googs was a frat-boy then Wally was the guy who paddles the pledges and makes them drink goat’s blood.  Szczerbiak also has the most impossible name in the world to spell.  It takes five letters to get to a vowel.  Unacceptable.  If it weren’t for cut and paste, he’d just be Wally S to me.

I was googling Mr. Consonants to see what he was up to when I realized that he is the exact same age as me.  We’re both 35.  I am so depressed.  What have I done with my life? By his early 30s, Wally Szczerbiak had already achieved a successful career in the NBA.  In that same time frame, I worked at Jimmy John’s, went bald and unsuccessfully sued my landlord.

"Hey guys, do you wanna play Light As A Feather Stiff As a Board?" Photo from shamasportsheadliners.com

Wally Szcerbiak’s band camp picture.  Photo from shamasportsheadliners.com

Sam Cassell – 2004 All-Star Game

Sam Cassell was old and looked like ET.  But between him, KG and the coach-choker/spinning rims-maker we could have won a championship in 2004.  Unfortunately, he got lost in a forest and woke up half-dead by a storm-drain.  And even though I saw his flower clearly come back to life, our championship hopes disappeared right there like a trail of Reese’s Pieces into Oliver Miller’s mouth.  And it’s been “Next year!” ever since.  OUCH!

Sam Cassell chillin’ with his buddy Michael Jackson. Photo from postcarbon.org

The All-Star game is on tonight.  Hopefully the Timberwolves will be represented for years by future Kevins of all shapes, sizes and colors.

Dear LeBron James,

For a really famous guy, PR just isn’t your thing.

Everybody knows you’re already one of the greatest basketball players ever.  We also know you’re kind of a bumbling dickhead too.

But last year you won an NBA championship.  You validated yourself.  Good job!  That must have felt nice.  You could go to sleep on your giant bed made of money and basketballs and paper mache replicas of yourself (that can’t be comfortable) and know that you’re better than everybody else.

But dude, it’s time to shave your head.

Seriously LeBron, how many “yes men” have you surrounded yourself with?  Has nobody told you?  That giant headband is fooling nobody.  It just keeps getting bigger and bigger every year.  Your hairline looks like it’s an ice cap drifting farther way from the Arctic every day.  Polar bears and Santa’s elves are dying, LeBron.  Put an end to their misery!

Headband Progression

The thing that I don’t even understand is why you haven’t done it already?  Black men have been blessed with the ability to look super cool with a shaved head.  It’s a gift.  Take it!  I’m bald too, but I’m a gangly white dude.  Until about five years ago, white guys couldn’t even shave their heads for fear of looking too American History X.  To this day, I can’t have more than two hairless white friends at a time.  If any more go bald, they’re either going to have to go straight-up math teacher/Bozo the Clown or find a new entourage.

Construction has already begun on LeBron’s next headband. Photo from oregonlive.com

You’re almost 28.  It sucks, but that’s just when it happens.  And I figure you have a few more options then normal people, considering you’re shut-in, pee-in-a-jar level rich.  So allow me to suggest a few:

1) Go the John Travolta route and paint your hairline on.  PRO – Will fool a few dumb people.  CON – Paint will drip down your face like Tammy Fae Baker after a marathon.

2) Get hair-plugs.  PRO – Will fool a few dumb people.  CON – Can cause hiccups.  For real.  It’s hard to make free-throws while breathing into a paper bag.

3) Pay yes men to tell you how great your hair looks.  PRO – You’re familiar with this approach.  CON – Will have to constantly replace said yes men due to blindness caused by your forehead glare.

4) Wear a Rick James wig. PRO – You’ve apparently already done this as well.  CON – Nothing.

5) Make the bald/afro look popular.  PRO – Millions of people will look like they have a nerf ball with a hole burnt through it on their head.  CON – People would call you LeBonbon.

LeBron James in 2014.  Photo from http://beermugsports.com

NBA2K13 cover – George Jefferson Edition.  Photo from beermugsports.com

6) Shave your head, dummy!

Sincerely,
Mike Brody
Timberwolves fan

P.S. It’s not just you –  An Open Letter To Keith Morris: Please Shave Your Head.