Posts Tagged ‘los angeles lakers’

Tyus Jones, Alex Caruso

AP Photo/Jim Mone

In case you didn’t know, the Los Angeles Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers.  Granted, this was back when it was almost all whites dudes and people still played with peach baskets and medicine balls.  Shoes were worn on the court solely because exposed toes were considered too sexual.  A highlight reel consisted of George Mikan scoring eight million points without ever leaving his feet.  BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT TO.

52-53_lakers

Remember when all the kids wore their flat-footed “Vern Mikkelson” Converses? From NBAhoops.com

Still, that team belonged to us.  We won five of the Lakers 16 championships in Minneapolis.  You know, the land of LAKES.  And then the team left.  I honestly don’t know the full story because I didn’t have time to read the telegrams, but I understand it wasn’t exactly acrimonious.  Think of how Seattle feels about Oklahoma City now, except with the NBA fanship roughly the size of curling.

Flash forward past civil rights and the discovery that smoking is bad during halftime to last night.  The L.A. Lakers were in town to play the Minnesota Timberwolves and these SUMSOFBITCHES wore their throw-back “MPLS. Lakers” jerseys.  That’s like if Seattle actually did get a team again and OKC showed up wearing a Shawn Kemp style “Supersonics” jersey to rub it in.  Or if the New Orleans Pelicans played the Charlotte Hornets and wore their retro jerseys as the New Orleans Hornets, even though technically they aren’t considered a part of that franchise anymore even though they drafted people as Hornets that ended up as Pelicans.  No, wait.  I’m confused. THE POINT IS, IT WAS SHITTY and there are only one of two explanations for the Lakers’ rationale in doing so:

  1. They are so egocentric as a team that they thought they were honoring us by wearing the name of our city in OUR HOUSE, even though it was ripped from our hands back when people ate lead for fun.
  2. It was a direct “F-You!” to Timberwolves fans.

Being a Minnesotan with a passive-aggressive inferiority complex, I’m going with #2.  So “F-You!” back, L.A.  You have 11 championships.  Those other five were won in a rollerskating rink in Minnesota when there were three teams in the league.  The finals were decided by a coin toss and you don’t get to claim them unless you are intimately familiar with Hubert Humphrey or at the very least Louie Anderson.

My how the roles have flipped.  Minnesota is looking like a #4 seed and the Lakers are a place that Dwight Howard’s sad sack doesn’t even want to go to, so you definitely ain’t getting LeBron.  The only new big name you guys are getting is Jack Nicholson’s gastroenterologist. So suck it, Los Angeles.  You snowbirds couldn’t take the cold anyway.

Next up we play the Nets in Brooklyn, a team that will never ever attempt to wear a throw-back jersey:

bradley

Photo from s304.photobucket.com/user/nbacardDOTnet

 

 

 

I’m depressed.

This season has sucked ass.  Two years ago sucked, but it was the beginning of hope.  A year ago sucked, but we hadn’t all played together yet.  This season just feels like time slipping away.  Next year Kevin Love can opt out after the season and what’s to keep him from doing it?

Well, there’s only one way for a true upper Midwesterner to combat depression that doesn’t involve a bathtub and a toaster: Pure, unadulterated passive-aggressive shit-talking.  Strap in, this one’s gonna get bitter.

My top ten least favorite NBA teams and why:

10) Boston Celtics – Last summer I read a comment from a Boston fan on a sports page that said “It’s going to be really hard to see Kevin Garnett playing in a different jersey.”  Oh really, Boston?  We had him for 12 versus your six.  Cry us a goddamn river.  Then freeze it, cut a hole in it, stick your head in it and get kicked in your drunk, freckly ass.

9) Indiana Pacers – I’ll admit, this has more to do with the actual state than this team.  The team itself is impressively put together and has a shot at the championship this year.  But the state is full of peach-fuzz mustachioed racists, unnecessary toll-booths and enthusiastic inbreeding.  This is the state that brought us the town of Gary.  Have you ever seen the movie “Hoosiers”?  That movie is actually set in 2014 Indiana.

8) Washington Wizards – This is the Island Of Misfits Toys for basketball players if you added guns and made all the toys completely unlikeable.  The only bright spot is that my friend John Conroy is a Wizards fan for some reason and was in this Gilbert Arenas commercial.

7) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, you could watch two NBA teams regularly: The Chicago Bulls on WGN or the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.  The choice was obvious: The greatest team/player ever or the soul-sucking echo chamber that was the Omni Center.  I’m pretty sure Dominique Wilkins played his entire prime in front of four bribed fans who may have actually been the janitors.

6) Miami Heat – The trust-fund kids of the NBA. I’ve never met a current Miami Heat fan who knows who Willie Burton or Bimbo Coles is.  I miss the days when the thought of Miami brought up images of Gloria Estefan or killing a hooker and taking your money back on “Grand Theft Auto – Vice City.”

5) Houston Rockets – ARGH!  Nothing pisses me off more than a team that takes like one year to rebuild!  You’re supposed to do it like us: lose the 2004 Western Conference Finals, eventually trade your superstar for peanuts, suck for ten years, start to show glimmers of hope and then potentially lose your new superstar to a forced trade/free agency.  Repeat.  Also, their jerseys are McDonald’s uniforms.

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jersey. Photo from foodrepublic.com

The Houston Rockets unveil their new jerseys. Photo from foodrepublic.com

4) Bill Simmons Yeah, he’s not a team but he’s such a piece of shit that I had to include him.  I used to like Boston until this elitist prick homer started blabbering about.  He sucks on-air and the only time he’ll write now is about how great the fucking Eagles are.  The Eagles are the Indiana of music!  And the ONLY time he mentions Minnesota is to talk massive shit for no real reason that I can discern other than that it’s cold here.  I’d rather have a frozen lake than three million Marky Marks, dickweed.

GIF from img.gawkerassets.com

3) Utah Jazz – Worst. Announcers. Ever.  There are homers and then there are the douchebag Jazz announcers.  I remember watching an inconsequential game a few years back and Paul Millsap (who is now an Atlanta Hawk) had a decent game.  The announcers preened and swooned about him and gushed that “Paul Millsap should bronze the ball to remember this game forever!”  Bronze MY balls, and put them on your face.  I hope you enjoyed the 90s, Utah, because Malone-Stockton will never happen again.

2) Portland Trailblazers – The Blazers are our arch-nemesis.  Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “That dude definitely roofies people.”  That’s Portland.

1) Los Angeles Lakers –

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

And the big Kevin Love better not go to LA Exhibit C

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.  Maybe they’ll remember they’re supposed to be the Sixers this year and we’ll win!

LAKERS

Watching the 2014 Lakers is like watching a 2014 Smashing Pumpkins concert: I think I recognize one of them.

Welcome to the slow decline that is the Los Angeles Lakers.  This is a team with an aging, injured superstar with a Halliburton-sized contract, a clueless owner and an inept coach.  If the Kobe Bryant golden years are the Beatles, then this team is Wings without Paul McCartney.

So really, who are these people?  Let’s take a look at each player individually and get a good background on what they’re all about:

1) Kobe Bryant – Obviously we all know this man.  He’s a legend.  He’s also the kind of guy that would shoot you in the leg so the zombies would get you first, even though you’re at Disney World and there’s no such thing as zombies.  Luckily, he’s ending all of the Jordan-Kobe debate on his own, because Jordan was never a draining emotional and financial burden on his team for the last five years of his career.  The Lakers are screwed.  Thanks Kobe!

2) Pau Gasol – Poor Pau.  He doesn’t get any respect.  Even though without him, the Lakers wouldn’t have two of those 11 championships. (Sorry, I don’t count the five that were actually won by the MINNEAPOLIS LAKERS.)  On the plus side, living in LA has afforded him considerable acting opportunities:

Pau Gasol's cameo in "The Dark Crystal."  Photo from boards.soapoperanetwork.com

Pau Gasol’s cameo in “The Dark Crystal.” Photo from boards.soapoperanetwork.com

3) Steve Nash – Steve Nash is a Los Angeles Laker the way that a taxidermied buck head is a deer.  Only technically and partially.  Robocop has more human parts than him.

4) Nick Young – Admittedly, he is the best of the new crop of Lakers.  However, to quote a Doug Stanhope line: “That’s like being the prettiest waitress at Denny’s.”

5) Steve Blake – He has a wicked long-range shot, but it still doesn’t convince me that he’s not a NARC.  He’s got a real Donnie Brasco vibe to him.  Does anybody actually know where he came from?  $50 says he’s wearing a wire.

6) Chris Kaman – Seriously?  What year is this?

7) Jodie Meeks – I love his name.  It’s the most passive thing ever.  “Um hi, I’m Jodie Meeks.  Some people call me Linda Wishy-Washy.  Yeah, go ahead and take my seat.”

8) Jordan Hill – NBA players with dreads always creep me out.  They look like Wet Willy doing laps.

Photo from roadsideresort.com

Photo from roadsideresort.com

9) Manny Harris – Look at this man’s eyes.  That’s the look of a dude who thought he was signing up to play kickball with eight-year-olds.

Photo from a.espncdn.com

“Please don’t play me.” Photo from a.espncdn.com

10) Ryan Kelly – Fuck Duke.

11) Robert Sacre – Never trust a Canadian who looks like he was in Suicidal Tendencies.

12) Xavier Henry –  I loved him in “Singles“.

13) Jordan Farmar – Even Jordan Farmar doesn’t care about Jordan Farmar.  The only thing interesting about him is how he managed to fasten two potato skins to his head and people still believe they’re ears.

"I'm smiling because the chives and sour cream is tickling my brain." Photo from blacksportsonline.com

“I’m smiling because the chives and sour cream are tickling my brain.” Photo from blacksportsonline.com

14) Kendall Marshall – “Excuse me, my son and I have third row seats and we found a jersey on my chair.  What? I won the free roster spot giveaway?  No way!  Can my son play too?  YES?!  Come on, son!”

15) Wesley Johnson – “Yay!  We won a spot, Dad!”

Next up, we play OKC on the road.  I started my own Timberwolves Twitter account so I can live-tweet the games and talk massive shit.  Join me tonight at 7pm central at @TWolvesFanBlog!

Go Wolves!

I'm going to just leave this right here.  Photo from sportsillustrated.com

I’m going to just leave this right here. Photo from sportsillustrated.com

My hatred of the Los Angeles Lakers is well-documented.

To add insult to injury, the Minnesota Timberwolves previously had not beaten the Lakers since 2007, when gas cost a nickel a gallon and Bing Crosby ruled the pop charts.  I say “previously” because THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, we finally beat the Lakers!

Here’s where the whiners come in.  “Oh, oh, the Lakers are injured! Sob. Sob.”  Really?  Cry us a river about injuries there, Tammy Faye Bryant.  Kobe is still recovering from an Achilles tendon injury and Steve Nash is having his face formaldehyde replenished.  Two players.  Whoopee.  Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Nikola Pekovic, Josh Howard, Brandon Roy, Malcolm Lee, Andrei Kirilenko every other game, even our damn coach missed large stretches of time.  I’m not even sure if Chase Budinger is a real person outside of rumor.  It’s possible that he’s just a well-preserved corpse being carted around a la “Weekend At Bernies” for some kind of tax reasons.

So what happens when the T-Wolves are finally, unbelievably, free of injury?  We stomp the Lakers’ asses, that’s what.  Not only did we beat them by 23, we had 47 points in the first quarter.  No, you didn’t read that wrong.  No, that’s not the first half.  The first QUARTER.  It was three points off from being an NBA record.  All five Minnesota starters had double digit points.  Ricky Rubio had a triple double.  It may have been the single most satisfying victory of my entire Timberwolves watching career.  You could just see all the Lakers fans wondering how they’d look in Clippers’ red & blue.  Poor, old Jack Nicholson probably goes to bed in his Lakers’ pajamas wondering if he’ll ever see the playoffs again.

I’ll give credit where credit is due, though.  I was holed up in a hotel, watching the game through a shady internet feed and I must say I like Lakers’ TV announcers.  Most “homer” announcers blindly hand-job their own team (Utah and Houston, I’m looking at you.)  But the Lakers, as evil as they are, come from a winning environment.  So there’s no way they can paint this season in a good light.  Every time the Wolves would go up big and force an LA time-out, the announcers would just sigh and say “Well, we are not a good team.”  Webster’s Dictionary defines “schadenfreude” as: a feeling of enjoyment that comes from seeing or hearing about the troubles of other people, or when the cocky-ass Lakers have a shitty-ass season.”

In conclusion:

– The Timberwolves, barring a god-hates-us injury, are definitely going to the playoffs with this team.

– The Lakers will not make the playoffs, because Kobe doesn’t know how to play in moderation.  He’s going to re-pop that crickety heel and that’s all she wrote.  Steve Nash is finally going to collapse into a pile of dust and sugar-free Larabars.   Welcome to the Nick Van Exel years 2.0.

1995 - Nick Van Exel attempts to keep his bobble head from falling off his shoulders mid-game.  Photo from img.bleacherreport.netimg.bleacherreport.ne

FEB 24, 1995 – Nick Van Exel’s bobble head rolls off his shoulders, requiring him to play the rest of the game in reclining position.  Photo from img.bleacherreport.net

Next up, the Wolves play the actually decent LA team – the Clippers at the Staples Center.  Our games against the Clippers are always entertaining, either with close games or fights or both.  Go Wolves!  Nobody step on Ricky!

Earlier this week I made my totally well-researched Eastern Conference predictions.  Today it’s time for the “it’s-not-freaking-fair-that-the-Timberwolves-are-in-this-stupid-tough-ass-conference-a-goddamn-glob-of-coconut-oil-could-make-the-Eastern-Conference-playoffs” Western Conference predictions:

1) Oklahoma City Thunder – Half of me thinks I’m an idiot for picking them #1. The other half thinks that there’s no way a team with a healthy and angry Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook combo can’t tear the league up regardless of who else is on the team.  OKC is the USA of the Western Conference. Sure, stats and logic will tell you that they’re #4 or #5 realistically.  But we all know they’re really #1.  USA! USA! USA!

2) San Antonio Spurs – I’m still pissed that they didn’t win the title last year.  These guys manage to somehow be injury-ridden, old and immortal all at the same time.  Somewhere there’s a picture of Dorian Gray with Duncan, Ginobli and Parker scribbled into the corner.  (There wasn’t room for David Robinson.)

3) Golden State Warriors – Everybody gives the Timberwolves shit for drafting Jonny Flynn instead of Steph Curry.  Here’s the thing that people don’t know: Steph Curry is a Satanist.  Yeah, he sacrifices baby goats for Satan. Look, I know this hasn’t gotten a lot of press, but it’s true.  Sure, we could have drafted him and had the most exciting frontcourt in the league with Rubio/Curry, but then we would have had a practicing disciple of hell on our team.  No thanks.

4) Los Angeles Clippers – Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me to see any of these top four teams in the Finals.  But I picked the Clippers below Golden State for two very important reasons.  1) They’re the Clippers 2) I can’t stand those stupid Chris & Cliff Paul State Farm commercials.  Really?  You guys are “born to assist” and you become a fancy-pants basketball player and a freakin’ car insurance salesman?  Look out Mother Theresa!

5) Houston Rockets – Nobody will ever win a championship with Dwight Howard.

6) Memphis Grizzlies – I want these guys to be higher, but the coach firing worries me.  Their stadium is nicknamed the “Grindhouse” though, and that’s awesome.  It makes me feel like Napalm Death and Anal C#$% are going to come out and vomit all over the opposing team at any moment.  Is that just me?

7) Minnesota Timberwolves – Yeah, I’m a homer.  But I feel like I’m being very fair with #7 here.  Two years in a row we were on course to make the playoffs and then…injuries. This year, Chase Budinger is already hurt.  But that’s a minor thing and he’ll be back shortly.  So if things just stay the course, we can do this.  Please God?  Can we please make the playoffs?  I forgot what it’s like to care about a basketball game after April.  Please stop Satan’s minion, Steph Curry, and help us!

8) Dallas Mavericks – They won the championship in 2011, right?  How can that be?  That feels like a million years ago. They gambled their roster after the championship year to get Deron Williams and/or Dwight Howard and fell short on both.  Instead, they got Monta Ellis.  A guy who makes Brandon Jennings look like John Stockton.  My favorite addition by far is Renaldo Balkman.  How great is it that Renaldo Balkman is on the same team as the Mavs 2nd greatest player of all time, Rolando Blackman?  That’s like the Bulls picking up a player called “Scobbie Pipplen.”

—————————————

9) New Orleans Pelicans – I love that they’re Pelicans!  Best Mascot ever!  Give them a year or two to stretch their huge, disgusting wings and they’ll be a good team.

10) Denver Nuggets – I don’t even know who’s on this team anymore.  Talk about the definition of imploding.

11) Portland Trailblazers – These guys might end up higher on this list than where I have them, but they traded us Martell Webster when they knew he was hurt.  Screw them.

12) Sacramento Kings – It’s not a good sign when your best player has the mental maturity of 4th grader who’s been grounded from Xbox.

DeMarcus Cousins addressing the press in the preseason.  Photo from bp.blogspot.com

DeMarcus Cousins before a game this preseason. Photo from bp.blogspot.com

13) Los Angeles Lakers – I had a dream last night that the Lakers moved to San Diego.  I’m no Miss Cleo but I think this is a prophecy.  Maybe they aren’t moving down to “America’s Finest City,” but they’re definitely headed south in the wins department.  Ding dong, the witch tore her achilles tendon!

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

The newest Laker, Rip Van Bryant. Photo from sportsinreview.com

14) Utah Jazz – Trey Burke is going to be the Damien Lillard of this year.  Except he’ll be on one of the worst teams in the league.  And he won’t be able to drink caffeine, smoke cigarrettes or have pre-marital sex with any of his nine girlfriends.

15) Phoenix Suns – Hey, they have twins on their team.  That’s neat.

Predicted NBA champion – Miami Heat.  It pains me to say it, but who’s going to stop them?  At least the Lakers will suck.

The Timberwolves’ season opener is Wednesday, October 30th, at home against Orlando.  Let’s go Wolves!

I don’t think I have to tell you how much I hate the Los Angeles Lakers, because I already have.

And we have a chance to completely ruin their season.  The Lakers and the Utah Jazz are in a dogfight for the last spot in the Western Conference playoffs.  There’s only about a half dozen games left in the season and every single one counts.  And lo and behold, guess who plays the Jazz TWICE before the season’s out?  Your very own Minnesota Timberwolves.

I love that Minnesotans are honest and hard-working people.  I love that we pride ethics in our lives.  But the Minnesota Timberwolves are not from Minnesota.  Luke Ridnour’s from Oregon, Ricky Rubio’s from Spain, Kevin Love was born at sea on Dennis Wilson’s house boat and Nikola Pekovic was born and raised on the Berlin Wall, I think.  And therefore, I say fuck it!  Let’s throw these damn games.

What’s the worst that could happen?  The 1919 White Sox purposely lost the World Series for money and what happened to them?  I think they got banned for life or something, but they made it onto the Field Of Dreams!  And that’s all anybody really remembers or cares about.  Does anybody remember Shoeless Joe Jackson’s nemesis, Pointy-Boots LaRue?  No, they don’t.  They remember the famous cheater who hung out with Kevin Costner.

No playoffs for you this year, Lakers!  Because if it’s one thing the Timberwolves are good at, it’s losing.  I want to see Lakers fans jumping ship like it’s the Titanic.  And the last three people on board are Kobe, Dwight and Nash playing their stupid million dollar violins.  Kobe will turn to those two and say “Gentlemen, it’s been an honor playing with you this season.  And when I say honor, I mean it was the worst.  God, you guys suck.”

We created you guys.  The Lakers used to be the Minneapolis Lakers.  There’s no lakes in California, just black tar heroin pits and stripper glitter reservoirs.  You stole our team.  And now 50 years later we’re repaying the debt by ruining your season.  Greg Steimsma will be starting at point guard in both games against Utah.  JJ Barea will be playing center.  A sad and lonely Christian Laettner will be coming out of retirement and starting at PF.  We’re going down, Los Angeles.  And there’s nothing you can do about it.

See you in the Lottery, bitches.

Minneapolis Lakers

Ricky Rubio changed my life last night.

Here’s what happened: The Timberwolves were getting their asses handed to them in a season full of ass-handery.  Alexey Shved, who’s been playing poorly, is not taking it well.  Enter Ricky and seven simple, adorably accented words.

“Alexey, change this face.  Be happy.  Enjoy!” (Video below)

Are there truer words in the world?  This is what I need to remind myself of every time the bitch in my apartment complex let’s her dog pee in the elevator or when I remember that Indiana purposely exists as a state.  How easy is it to get wrapped up in the world and think that our cellphone bills and portfolios and social status are all that matters?  I don’t even know what a portfolio is, to be honest.  Is that like a Trapper Keeper for accountants?

This is going to be my new creed whenever something unimportant starts to piss me off.   Whenever the small town Subway line takes forever because country people don’t have anywhere else to be.  Whenever the stupid CVS lady puts my soda bottle in a bag even though she knows damn well that I come in every day and never want one.  Whenever the people with clipboards, vests and skinny pants downtown harass me on the street because they want my signature to help protect our rights to ironic epiphanies.

Shhhh…listen to Ricky:

“Brody, change this face.  Be happy.  Enjoy!”

Life is short.  Don’t forget to enjoy it and smile or it’ll pass you by.

Thanks Ricky.

Go Wolves!

Ricky Rubio Peace Sign