Posts Tagged ‘minneapolis’

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I literally say this every year, but WE ARE GOING TO BE AWESOME THIS YEAR!  Every time I’ve said that in the past has been a bullshit lie and I knew it.  I mean, yes, I believed it at the time.  Yet, deep down I knew we would never win with Alexey Shved at anything other than a “Saddest Russian” contest?  Every year leading up to this I’ve just been trying to justify spending large portions of my adult life staking my happiness on 12 random men who aren’t even really from Minnesota mostly (‘sup, Tyus).

But this year is different.  This year, we might actually play an NBA game in May.  Has there been a Timberwolves game played in warm weather since Kanye West’s first album?  Dude’s like 40 now.  90% of the league doesn’t even know we can grow deciduous trees.  Anyway, we had a SUPER busy off-season and I will now grade each major move we made one by one, because I am a super qualified judge of basketball:

Minnesota trades Zach LaVine, Kris Dunn and the #7 pick to the Chicago Bulls for Jimmy Butler and the #16 pick.  

A+

Zach LaVine is a slam-dunk champion who just wrecked his ACL.  That’s like a masseuse whose arms fell off.  Nobody wants a hook massage.  Kris Dunn is horrible.  Every single YouTube clip of him “breaking ankles” ends before the shot nears the rim because he shot like 2.5% from the field.  I think Kris Dunn is actually a Lacrosse player who accidentally walked into the NBA draft and they picked him anyway.  And the #7 pick ended up being some Finnish dude who I know next to nothing about but the Bulls chose him, so he surely sucks.  We fleeced these bitches!

Minnesota trades Ricky Rubio to the Utah Jazz for a 2018 1st round pick.  

G-

I made up a grade lower than F because I’m so upset.   I had to take my signed, framed Ricky Rubio photo out of my office and put it in the basement earlier this summer. I knew he was going to get traded and I had to start mentally distancing myself.  I’ll never change this face, Ricky!  I would have “Thelma & Louise”ed right off this cliff with you!

Minnesota renounces rights to Shabazz Muhammad, Brandon Rush, Adreian Payne, and Omri Casspi.

A+

Listen, anything that gets rid of Adreian Payne is an A+.  Drop Payne, Jimmy Butler and move the team to Belarus?  A+!  Not only does he look 45 at 25 somehow, but his ridiculously spelled first name has way too many vowels in it.  It’s like his mom was playing Scrabble when he was born and the doctor knocked the board over and she just went with it.  Oh, and he sucks.

Minnesota signs Taj Gibson 

B+

I like Taj.  Yeah, he’s kind of past his prime and a little expensive, but so is HBO and that shit is good for at least three months out of the year.

Minnesota signs Jeff Teague

No grade

I will not acknowledge Jeff Teague as a human being until he apologies for breathing the air that Ricky would be breathing if he were here.

Minnesota signs Jamal Crawford 

B-

Fuck it, why not? He’s super old and kind of like clicking on the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button on Google.  What’s the worst that can happen?  (Do NOT say Brandon Roy, Kevin Garnett 2.0 or Sam Cassell after the big nuts dance tore his hamstring.)

Minnesota signs Shabazz Muhammad for peanuts after he turned down a $44 million contract with us earlier in the summer. 

A+

One time I got addicted to Ebay and bought an Ullr (the Nordic god of skiing and archery) pendant for $250 after getting into a bidding war with what in retrospect was surely someone in cahoots with the owner.  A year later I sold it on Ebay for $5.  This is how Shabazz must feel.

Minnesota signs Albert Brooks for an undisclosed amount of money.  (It’s actually Aaron Brooks, but I accidentally typed Albert Brooks and I loved him in “Finding Dory” so I’m keeping it.)

A+ for Albert Brooks, C for Aaron Brooks.

Minnesota reportedly offers Andrew Wiggins a five-year $148 million contract.

A+

It’s a little high, but I love Wiggins and the good news is this is in Canadian money.  The exchange on this is actually $3 million USD and two Tragically Hip CDs.

The new jerseys 

A

I like them.  They kind of look like a gas station, but one that sells Pepsi Max.  Like…a GOOD gas station.  You can definitely get a fruit cup and poop in the toilet without getting hepatitis.

Our first preseason game of the year is on September 30 against the Lakers in Los Angeles.  Let’s see if Lonzo’s newest $500 shoes can make it through the exhibition season.

GO WOLVES!

 

 

The Timberwolves currently have a bit of an issue at the point guard position.  Longtime fan-favorite/most-hated Timberwolf Ricky Rubio is clearly on the way out.  Personally, I love Rubio.  But like my non-existent hairline, sometimes it’s best to just realize there’s no saving things.  Kris Dunn appears to be Tom Thibodeau’s favorite for the future, which probably entails standing over his bed at night yelling “REST!  REST!!  NO NIGHTMARES!!!”  However, wee-little Tyus Jones is also coming on very strong.  What to do?

perfect-strangers

Ricky Rubio, possibly heading back to Mypos. 

Since Rubio will surely be out of the picture no later than this summer, I’m going to analyze the pros and cons of Kris Dunn vs. Tyus Jones and try to figure out who is best suited to start.

KRIS DUNN

kris-dunn2

Kris Dunn, while still at Providence, doing some kind of Licorice Whip or something?  I don’t know how kids dance these days. Photo from fxtribune.com

PROS

 

CONS

  • Those amazing ankle-breakers?  Well, he’s made like one of the shots that followed those.  That’s about as useful as doing a hand-stand on a car that’s driving into Lake Minnetonka.
  • He’s a rookie but is already almost 23, which makes him the oldest player on the Timberwolves. (Okay, not really, but kinda.  The Timberwolves probably couldn’t rent a car between the 12 of them.)
  • He’s the reason I am probably going to have to take my autographed Ricky Rubio poster and put it down in the basement next to the mouse traps and the giant painting of myself that I’m too embarrassed to display but am too egotistical to throw away.

 

mbpainting

Somebody made it for me and I gave them $50, okay?  Shut up. 

TYUS JONES

Tyus-Jones-Timberwolves-2016-BasketWallpapers.com-.jpg

Tyus really needs to quit vaping. Photo from basketballpapers.com

PROS

  • One of the best shooters on the Timberwolves.  Did I make the prettiest girl at the meth clinic joke already?
  • Minnesota native like Bob Dylan, Kevin McHale and Tay Zonday.
  • Looks like a Furby.

 

CONS

  • Nikola Pekovic almost gets more playing time than him this year and Pek is somewhere in Montenegro right now laying on a couch drinking blood from a cauldron.
  • Minnesota native.  Nobody wants to criticize a hometown prodigy.  I’m from Iowa and we’ve had to pretend like we like Slipknot for like 20 years.  Nobody deserves that.
  • Has not returned any of my tweets asking if I can have his seat on the bench when he doesn’t play for 10 games straight.

 

In conclusion, we’re screwed.  Business as usual!

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.  They’re on a bit of a hot streak right now.  Here’s to hoping a wild herd of javelinas drags Eric Bledsoe off before the game.

GO WOLVES!

 

There a few NBA franchises that I consider kindred spirits.  I don’t root for these teams, but I feel their pain completely because their mismanagement, hopelessness and dumbassery feel oh so familiar to me.    It’s the exact opposite of the Lakers optimism/hubris that says “Of course we’ll be contenders next year.”  It’s the Milwaukee Bucks’ “Did you know we have a team?” vibe.  The Bobcats/Pistons “Oh shit, an NBA legend is running us into the ground and nobody can get rid of him” vibe.  The Clippers’ “Just give it four or five years and we’ll be the old Clippers again and nobody will care except Billy Crystal” vibe.  It’s the New York Knicks in general.

I’m talking about Donald Sterling, Joe Dumars, Michael Jordan, Jerry Dolan and whoever the hell is running the Milwaukee Bucks/future Supersonics right now.  (It’s rumored that David Kahn wants to buy the Bucks.  Don’t let it happen, Milwaukee!  Protest!  Riot!  Put up a camouflage shield so he can’t find your town.  He’s dumb, it’ll work!  Being last place in the league is preferable to being last place for the foreseeable future with him.)

Donald Sterling: Clippers' owner and hungry, hungry hippo. Photo from jsportsblogger.files.wordpress.com

Donald Sterling: Horrendous Clippers’ owner and hungry, hungry hippo. Photo from jsportsblogger.files.wordpress.com

As a Timberwolves fan who’s had to live through David Kahn, Flip Saunders and any other bumbling brain-dead Dodo bird with a clipboard that Glen Taylor hires, I understand.  It’s not our fault!  We’re just the fans, with no say in the decisions, but we suffer just the same.  Minnesota didn’t deserve a guy who drafted three point guards in the first round and still missed the good one.  Detroit didn’t deserve Josh Smith, the abandoned skyscraper of basketball players.  Get this: The Knicks acquired Andrea Bargnani on purpose!  I worked at Jimmy John’s in my 30s and even I’m put together enough to know that’s a bad idea.

So what to do?  We can sit here and let these numbskulls ruin the vicarious joy that we feel from other people accomplishing things, or we can put a stop to it.  You know how they elect sheriffs even though nobody seems to know why?  We need to do that with our owners and front office.  It’s election time, bitches.  Better start earning your jobs!

“What’s that, Mr. Kahn?  You’re thinking about signing Darko Milicic to a four-year 20 million dollar deal?  I don’t think that’s a good idea.  Midterm elections are coming up and Fancy Ray McCloney is rising in the polls.  He’s promised to sign Prince and make the players’ jerseys out of crushed velvet.”

"The Best Looking Man In Comedy!"

Fancy Ray McCloney – “The Best Looking Man In Comedy!”

Tonight we play our brothers in ineptitude, The New York Knicks.  Actually, I don’t want to admit it, but we’re 6-1 in the last seven games and five of our next six games are at home against losing teams.  The one away game is against the Boobcats.  I am not going to get optimistic, because every time I do, we lose.  So I’ll just leave you with something Fancy:

Hello Minnesota,

This is Derrick Williams.  You may remember me as the Timberwolves’ #2 pick in the 2011 draft, as well as being a generally confused and out of breath bench player.

A lot of people had high expectations for me because I was drafted so high, but I don’t think the circumstances were fair.  Everybody knows the only two franchise players in that draft were Kyrie Irving and Chukwudiebere Maduabum.  It’s not my fault!  In a normal draft I would have been picked 27th by the Iowa Energy.

Minnesota, I can’t lie to you.  I miss you.  It’s really not been working out like I’d hoped in Sacramento.  Jimmer farts a lot and DeMarcus Cousins punches me in the stomach every night so the bruises won’t show.  Rudy Gay keeps making me buy him lunch and paying me back with Canadian Loonies.  All of my paychecks have bounced.  I’ve had to find temporary employment at Keep It Clean Carpet Tile & Upholstery on Sunrise and Ascot.  Cleaning carpets is even more impossible than shooting a wide open layup without first double-pumping and then missing because of it!

Derrick Williams 2nd birthday party.  Photo from a.espncdn.com

Derrick Williams 2nd birthday party. Photo from a.espncdn.com

Take me back, Minnesota.  I have carpet cleaning experience and can get Alexey Shved’s sad, Russian tears off of a rug faster than the Wolves bench can put the team down by ten.  I’ll be Crunch.  Whatever you need!

I’m on a train home to Minneapolis right now.  You don’t have to take me back, but if you feel like it I’ll be Hubert’s Bar & Grill signing autographs.  But mostly serving drinks.  See you soon!

Sincerely,

Derrick Williams

Well, this is awkward.

Current Nets coach Jason Kidd is one of the greatest point guards ever, a guaranteed future Hall of Famer and an NBA champion.  He is also possibly the worst coach in NBA history.  Like Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in a pole-vault contest bad. With the exception of Bill Russell, who was a player/coach, nobody has risen faster to the conductor’s stand than Kidd.  He literally had zero coaching experience before this year.  And unfortunately, it’s looking likely that he’ll be the first coach kicked to the curb this year, as well.

"Say, you guys wouldn't want to coach an NBA team for just a second, would you?  I'll be right back." Photo from assets.nydailynews.com

“Say, you guys wouldn’t want to coach an NBA team for just a second, would you? I’ll be right back.” Photo from assets.nydailynews.com

The Timberwolves played the Nets on Friday and ended up squashing them 111-81.  Nothing that Kidd tried worked.  His staring?  Did nothing.  His nervous pacing?  Didn’t even result in a basket.  His desperate pleas for acceptance and hugs?  Not reciprocated. For a second he thought the standing ovation for KG was for him, but then he sat down quietly whispering to himself “Hey, I know that guy. We’re friends. Somebody…help me.”

Look, everybody respects Jason Kidd as a player.  He was one of the best.  But just because Ron Jeremy was good at boinkin’, it doesn’t mean you want him directing you in bed, okay?  It’s super early in the season.  Maybe Brooklyn can get an annulment?  They can just mulligan the whole beginning of the season and pretend that this never happened.  And Jason Kidd can just get in his car, (provided there’s no bottles in it) and drive away into the non-coaching sunset.

Just make sure that Net’s owner Mikhail Prokhorov actually hires a real coach, instead of Kwame Brown or Prince or Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV.  I understand bad decisions.  I live in a state that purposely elected Jesse Ventura.  But listen up, Brooklyn: You don’t hire a bartender who’s never had a drink.  Now go to your room and don’t come out until you’ve got George Karl.

Next up, the Wolves play Houston and that little bitch Dwight Howard.  All Pek has to do is punch him in the kidneys and tell him he’s not funny.  Go Wolves!