Posts Tagged ‘minnesota’

unfun

Photo from rebloggy.com

I thought this would feel different.  I thought when the Wolves were finally in the playoff race for the first time since “Friends” got cancelled that I would be over the moon, like during KG’s return home game or when Burger King started selling Lucky Charm’s milkshakes.  Instead, I feel confused, conflicted and slightly lackadaisical, like I do after three Lucky Charms milkshakes.

Canis Hoopus posted a great article about how to enjoy the Timberwolves this season.  It was helpful, but I think they slightly underestimated how unfun the Wolves have been to watch this year.  Technically, at 16-11, we are getting the job done.  But it has been ugly and painful like a dentist who jabbed the Novocaine into your forehead, but still got your wisdom teeth out, then, for no apparent reason, made the dental technicians stay until midnight.

It’s kind of jarring to go from losing with the flash of Ricky Rubio and Zach LaVine to winning with…what?  Memphis 2.0?  We’re more Shit ‘N Blind than Grit ‘N Grind.  We’re not particularly good at anything as a team, but our top players are just so individually good that we can fluke our way into a win if the team’s top player is out for the night.  Which seems to be a trend.  Either Aaron Brooks’ actual purpose on this team is to Tanya Harding everybody’s knees before the game or else nobody is scared of us, because it feels like the last superstar we played against was Isiah Thomas.  The short pants one.

Here are some ideas that could help make our team fun to watch again:

  • Attach sleigh bells to Jeff Teague.  This will serve a double purpose by not only ringing in the Holiday Spirit to the team, but alerting Jeff that he should pass the ball after 2-3 jingles instead of the whole damn song.
  • Allow fans to punch Cole Aldrich in the face when we are frustrated.  It’s not personal.  He’s already missing teeth, he never plays and he’s making a ton of money.  Serve a greater purpose, Cole.
  • Instead of giving fans Cherry Berry when the opposing team misses two free throws in a row, give it to Thibs on the sideline and zoom in on the jumbotron until he gets brain freeze.  I’m too lazy to redeem that ice cream anyway and I’ve always wanted to know what a constipated rhino looks like.
  • Jimmy Butler karaoke at halftime.  Only Hootie songs.
  • Spectacular injuries.  How much drama did the Gordon Hayward injury add to the Celtics year?  I’m not saying any players should do this.  I’m thinking assistant coach Rick Brunson could perhaps get hit in the face with Crunch’s t-shirt gun and get carted off before returning Willis Reed style.  We get some much needed drama.  He gets some attention and a free shirt.  Win-win!
  • Stop losing to shit teams.

Next up we play the Philadelphia 76ers at home on Tuesday.  Aaron Brooks will have the night off from wacking knees because according to my sources half the team just fell into a swimming pool and broke their pelvises.

GO WOLVES!

Jimmy-Butler-face

“My name is Mike Brody and I’m a diehard Minnesota Timberwolves fan.

That really feels like an AA introduction.  Actually, being a Wolves fan is a lot like being an alcoholic. Years of crying, frustration, denial and blame followed by moments of clarity and giving up.  Then the relapses.  ‘This year’s going to be different!’  Sure it is.  Just keep telling yourself that while you pee your pants at Denny’s.”

Those were the first words I ever posted on this blog over five years ago and on the surface the situation feels eerily similar.  We were 5-3 at the time (we are 7-3 right now) and about to play the Golden State Warriors (we play the Dubs Wednesday).  However, there is not a single Timberwolf (coaching staff or player) left from that era.  The only thing still the same is owner Glen Taylor, the fans, DJ Mad Mardigan and an ensuing sense of dread that something horrible and beyond our control is going to come along and ruin everything.  In 2012-13 it was Kevin Love’s stupid broken hand and the infamous, bullshit “knuckle push-ups”, which we all know was him punching someone at Augie’s because they didn’t notice he had 74 rebounds in a game we lost by 45.

This year is actually for real different, though.  The ensuing dread is there, make no mistake.  But this time it’s muscle memory, not the inevitable.  And there is one reason and one reason alone.  Not Andrew Wiggins, not Karl-Anthony Towns and not because they got rid of the pig pee troughs that made you get someone’s ocean spray on your trousers/shoes/beard.

No, the reason this year is different is because of Jimmy G. Buckets Esquire.

I won’t even go into his stats.  Yes, his numbers are off the charts low this year.  Sorry, your fantasy league is fucked.  I don’t care.  Numbers do not apply to Jimmy G.Q. Buckets.  Jimmy is like a Minnesota winter day, where the thermometer says 25 degrees but we all goddamn know it’s -10 with the wind chill.  Mr. Buckets is the reason your nose hairs are frozen the second you walk outside.  He’s that sound the snow makes when it’s so cold it feels like you’re stepping on Styrofoam.  You can’t quantify this shit.

We’ve never had a player like this since Kevin Garnett.  Kevin Love was more concerned about his “Numbers”.  Ricky Rubio tried so hard but ultimately was like an adorable Red Bull flugtag in a 747 race.  Al Jefferson did whatever Al Jefferson did.

This feels different.  I had nosebleed seats at the Target Center during the Hornets game and average Minnesotans in camouflage up there were getting excited.  These people rub deer urine on themselves on purpose.  It’s happening.

Thank you, Jimmy GG Allin Buckets.

Next up we play Golden State in Oakland.  Maybe two of their players will get hurt and we’ll only have to go up against the other two top 15 players in the league?

Go Wolves!!!

 

TimberwolvesTwitter

Photo from twitter.com/Timberwolves

I literally say this every year, but WE ARE GOING TO BE AWESOME THIS YEAR!  Every time I’ve said that in the past has been a bullshit lie and I knew it.  I mean, yes, I believed it at the time.  Yet, deep down I knew we would never win with Alexey Shved at anything other than a “Saddest Russian” contest?  Every year leading up to this I’ve just been trying to justify spending large portions of my adult life staking my happiness on 12 random men who aren’t even really from Minnesota mostly (‘sup, Tyus).

But this year is different.  This year, we might actually play an NBA game in May.  Has there been a Timberwolves game played in warm weather since Kanye West’s first album?  Dude’s like 40 now.  90% of the league doesn’t even know we can grow deciduous trees.  Anyway, we had a SUPER busy off-season and I will now grade each major move we made one by one, because I am a super qualified judge of basketball:

Minnesota trades Zach LaVine, Kris Dunn and the #7 pick to the Chicago Bulls for Jimmy Butler and the #16 pick.  

A+

Zach LaVine is a slam-dunk champion who just wrecked his ACL.  That’s like a masseuse whose arms fell off.  Nobody wants a hook massage.  Kris Dunn is horrible.  Every single YouTube clip of him “breaking ankles” ends before the shot nears the rim because he shot like 2.5% from the field.  I think Kris Dunn is actually a Lacrosse player who accidentally walked into the NBA draft and they picked him anyway.  And the #7 pick ended up being some Finnish dude who I know next to nothing about but the Bulls chose him, so he surely sucks.  We fleeced these bitches!

Minnesota trades Ricky Rubio to the Utah Jazz for a 2018 1st round pick.  

G-

I made up a grade lower than F because I’m so upset.   I had to take my signed, framed Ricky Rubio photo out of my office and put it in the basement earlier this summer. I knew he was going to get traded and I had to start mentally distancing myself.  I’ll never change this face, Ricky!  I would have “Thelma & Louise”ed right off this cliff with you!

Minnesota renounces rights to Shabazz Muhammad, Brandon Rush, Adreian Payne, and Omri Casspi.

A+

Listen, anything that gets rid of Adreian Payne is an A+.  Drop Payne, Jimmy Butler and move the team to Belarus?  A+!  Not only does he look 45 at 25 somehow, but his ridiculously spelled first name has way too many vowels in it.  It’s like his mom was playing Scrabble when he was born and the doctor knocked the board over and she just went with it.  Oh, and he sucks.

Minnesota signs Taj Gibson 

B+

I like Taj.  Yeah, he’s kind of past his prime and a little expensive, but so is HBO and that shit is good for at least three months out of the year.

Minnesota signs Jeff Teague

No grade

I will not acknowledge Jeff Teague as a human being until he apologies for breathing the air that Ricky would be breathing if he were here.

Minnesota signs Jamal Crawford 

B-

Fuck it, why not? He’s super old and kind of like clicking on the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button on Google.  What’s the worst that can happen?  (Do NOT say Brandon Roy, Kevin Garnett 2.0 or Sam Cassell after the big nuts dance tore his hamstring.)

Minnesota signs Shabazz Muhammad for peanuts after he turned down a $44 million contract with us earlier in the summer. 

A+

One time I got addicted to Ebay and bought an Ullr (the Nordic god of skiing and archery) pendant for $250 after getting into a bidding war with what in retrospect was surely someone in cahoots with the owner.  A year later I sold it on Ebay for $5.  This is how Shabazz must feel.

Minnesota signs Albert Brooks for an undisclosed amount of money.  (It’s actually Aaron Brooks, but I accidentally typed Albert Brooks and I loved him in “Finding Dory” so I’m keeping it.)

A+ for Albert Brooks, C for Aaron Brooks.

Minnesota reportedly offers Andrew Wiggins a five-year $148 million contract.

A+

It’s a little high, but I love Wiggins and the good news is this is in Canadian money.  The exchange on this is actually $3 million USD and two Tragically Hip CDs.

The new jerseys 

A

I like them.  They kind of look like a gas station, but one that sells Pepsi Max.  Like…a GOOD gas station.  You can definitely get a fruit cup and poop in the toilet without getting hepatitis.

Our first preseason game of the year is on September 30 against the Lakers in Los Angeles.  Let’s see if Lonzo’s newest $500 shoes can make it through the exhibition season.

GO WOLVES!

 

 

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You made his cat sad. Photo from nbacatwatch.com

There’s been some vicious snubs in the world lately.  Donald Trump’s replacement pick for National Security Advisor turned him down because he doesn’t know anybody from Russia.  People flipped out that Adele beat Beyonce because everybody forgot that the Grammys are a steaming pile of manatee poop and mean about as much as a Hug Award from your mom.  My body said no to me just now when I tried to go for a jog because I run like a duck and gummy bears are not a good warm-up snack.

But no snub is more vicious than Karl-Anthony Towns being left off the 2017 NBA All-Star team.  What does a bitch have to do?!  He’s averaging 23.7 ppg, 11.8 rpg, 2.9 asp, 1.4 bpg and has the third best smile in the league after fellow Timberwolf Andrew Wiggins and former Timberwolf Corey Brewer.  (Most underrated smile is Tom Thibodeau’s, which comes out as often as Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog, but looks like a drunken badger that just discovered Scientology.)

Who are all these chumps that got the nod over Towns?  Allow me to go through the list and break down why they don’t deserve it.  I’m only going to go through the Western Conference because 1) Towns plays in the West and 2) Literally anybody who can dribble in a straight line and doesn’t have 4 DUIs gets into the All-Star Game in the East.  Kurt Rambis is playing in the East.  Fuck the East.

Stephen Curry – If Stephen Curry is so hot then why was he drafted after Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn, huh?  Overrated!  You’ll always just be Dell Curry’s son to me!

James Harden – Has anybody bothered to ask why James Harden’s beard is so big?  I’ll tell you: PEDs.  He hides PEDs in his beard during games and when he does that little “mix it up” pantomine after scoring points he’s literally mixing up his meds.  Illegal!

Kevin Durant – I don’t know if I can even talk about Kevin Durant in the West because if the East wins he’ll just go over there next year.

Kawhi Leonard – Kawhi Leonard is not a real person.  He’s an emotionless robot created by Gregg Popovich using spare salsa he found in Texas for organic matter and the extra “Gs” in Gregg’s stupid first name.  SHOULD NOT PLAY.

Anthony Davis – Anthony Davis looks like the kind of guy who’d have really wet palms.  Just a creepy dude standing in the corner with his (literally) trademarked unibrow getting everything slimy with his disgusting swamp hands.  It makes the balls greasy and unusable.

Russell Westbrook – This man is a danger to everything and everyone around him.  If you thought Anthony Davis was creepy, wait until you see Westbrook’s “Silence Of The Lambs” dungeon where he keeps and tortures all the people who looked at him sideways or cut him off in traffic or stole his Urkel glasses.  Unsafe!

Klay Thompson – I hate Klay Thompson’s stupid face so much.  It looks like the thing they lay terrorists on when they waterboard them.  He looks like Screech if his dad were rich.  So what, you can shoot threes.  I saw Manute Bol hit six threes once.  You ain’t special!

Gordon Hayward – Who?

DeMarcus Cousins – I actually think DeMarcus Cousins might physically track me down and hurt me if I write something here so I’m leaving it blank.

DeAndre Jordan – Really?  We’re letting insurance salesmen in now?

Marc Gasol – Token European.

Draymond Green – Draymond Green is 100% an All-Star of kicking people in the balls.  He’s that punk from Duke if he were somehow less likeable than Duke.

None of you are better than Karl-Anthony Towns!  KAT is Michael Jordan mixed with Hakeem Olajuwon mixed with Megan Fox and BBQ chicken with extra BBQ.  I have issues!

Next up the Wolves play Dallas in Minneapolis on the Friday after the All-Star break.  KAT WILL PLAY THE MAVS 1-ON-12 AND WIN!!!

GO WOLVES!

Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year.  The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker.  I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas.  Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable?   “G-String” McGee?

To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore.  I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix.  He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A.  I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls.  Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying.  Enemies for life.

So I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals.  I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to hire me straight out when he hears these:

Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry. 

Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school.  We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math.  But it works out for everybody.  We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.

Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries. 

Hear me out.  We need a guy to boo.  Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.)  Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people.  But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas.  We get a guy who is okay at basketball and more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues.  Hello ticket sales!

Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney

Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player.  But hey, neither was Darko Miličić.  Just look at that last name.  It looks like even Miličić’s letters are trying to leave him.  If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too.  But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team?  Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray.  We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes.  And “G-String” McGee can join too!  Win-Win!

fancyray

“My my my!  I am the BEST looking 12th man in the NBA!”

Thank me later, Thibs.

Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night.  Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.

Go Wolves!!!

 

The Timberwolves currently have a bit of an issue at the point guard position.  Longtime fan-favorite/most-hated Timberwolf Ricky Rubio is clearly on the way out.  Personally, I love Rubio.  But like my non-existent hairline, sometimes it’s best to just realize there’s no saving things.  Kris Dunn appears to be Tom Thibodeau’s favorite for the future, which probably entails standing over his bed at night yelling “REST!  REST!!  NO NIGHTMARES!!!”  However, wee-little Tyus Jones is also coming on very strong.  What to do?

perfect-strangers

Ricky Rubio, possibly heading back to Mypos. 

Since Rubio will surely be out of the picture no later than this summer, I’m going to analyze the pros and cons of Kris Dunn vs. Tyus Jones and try to figure out who is best suited to start.

KRIS DUNN

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Kris Dunn, while still at Providence, doing some kind of Licorice Whip or something?  I don’t know how kids dance these days. Photo from fxtribune.com

PROS

 

CONS

  • Those amazing ankle-breakers?  Well, he’s made like one of the shots that followed those.  That’s about as useful as doing a hand-stand on a car that’s driving into Lake Minnetonka.
  • He’s a rookie but is already almost 23, which makes him the oldest player on the Timberwolves. (Okay, not really, but kinda.  The Timberwolves probably couldn’t rent a car between the 12 of them.)
  • He’s the reason I am probably going to have to take my autographed Ricky Rubio poster and put it down in the basement next to the mouse traps and the giant painting of myself that I’m too embarrassed to display but am too egotistical to throw away.

 

mbpainting

Somebody made it for me and I gave them $50, okay?  Shut up. 

TYUS JONES

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Tyus really needs to quit vaping. Photo from basketballpapers.com

PROS

  • One of the best shooters on the Timberwolves.  Did I make the prettiest girl at the meth clinic joke already?
  • Minnesota native like Bob Dylan, Kevin McHale and Tay Zonday.
  • Looks like a Furby.

 

CONS

  • Nikola Pekovic almost gets more playing time than him this year and Pek is somewhere in Montenegro right now laying on a couch drinking blood from a cauldron.
  • Minnesota native.  Nobody wants to criticize a hometown prodigy.  I’m from Iowa and we’ve had to pretend like we like Slipknot for like 20 years.  Nobody deserves that.
  • Has not returned any of my tweets asking if I can have his seat on the bench when he doesn’t play for 10 games straight.

 

In conclusion, we’re screwed.  Business as usual!

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.  They’re on a bit of a hot streak right now.  Here’s to hoping a wild herd of javelinas drags Eric Bledsoe off before the game.

GO WOLVES!