Posts Tagged ‘minnesota’

kat

You made his cat sad. Photo from nbacatwatch.com

There’s been some vicious snubs in the world lately.  Donald Trump’s replacement pick for National Security Advisor turned him down because he doesn’t know anybody from Russia.  People flipped out that Adele beat Beyonce because everybody forgot that the Grammys are a steaming pile of manatee poop and mean about as much as a Hug Award from your mom.  My body said no to me just now when I tried to go for a jog because I run like a duck and gummy bears are not a good warm-up snack.

But no snub is more vicious than Karl-Anthony Towns being left off the 2017 NBA All-Star team.  What does a bitch have to do?!  He’s averaging 23.7 ppg, 11.8 rpg, 2.9 asp, 1.4 bpg and has the third best smile in the league after fellow Timberwolf Andrew Wiggins and former Timberwolf Corey Brewer.  (Most underrated smile is Tom Thibodeau’s, which comes out as often as Punxsutawney Phil the Groundhog, but looks like a drunken badger that just discovered Scientology.)

Who are all these chumps that got the nod over Towns?  Allow me to go through the list and break down why they don’t deserve it.  I’m only going to go through the Western Conference because 1) Towns plays in the West and 2) Literally anybody who can dribble in a straight line and doesn’t have 4 DUIs gets into the All-Star Game in the East.  Kurt Rambis is playing in the East.  Fuck the East.

Stephen Curry – If Stephen Curry is so hot then why was he drafted after Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn, huh?  Overrated!  You’ll always just be Dell Curry’s son to me!

James Harden – Has anybody bothered to ask why James Harden’s beard is so big?  I’ll tell you: PEDs.  He hides PEDs in his beard during games and when he does that little “mix it up” pantomine after scoring points he’s literally mixing up his meds.  Illegal!

Kevin Durant – I don’t know if I can even talk about Kevin Durant in the West because if the East wins he’ll just go over there next year.

Kawhi Leonard – Kawhi Leonard is not a real person.  He’s an emotionless robot created by Gregg Popovich using spare salsa he found in Texas for organic matter and the extra “Gs” in Gregg’s stupid first name.  SHOULD NOT PLAY.

Anthony Davis – Anthony Davis looks like the kind of guy who’d have really wet palms.  Just a creepy dude standing in the corner with his (literally) trademarked unibrow getting everything slimy with his disgusting swamp hands.  It makes the balls greasy and unusable.

Russell Westbrook – This man is a danger to everything and everyone around him.  If you thought Anthony Davis was creepy, wait until you see Westbrook’s “Silence Of The Lambs” dungeon where he keeps and tortures all the people who looked at him sideways or cut him off in traffic or stole his Urkel glasses.  Unsafe!

Klay Thompson – I hate Klay Thompson’s stupid face so much.  It looks like the thing they lay terrorists on when they waterboard them.  He looks like Screech if his dad were rich.  So what, you can shoot threes.  I saw Manute Bol hit six threes once.  You ain’t special!

Gordon Hayward – Who?

DeMarcus Cousins – I actually think DeMarcus Cousins might physically track me down and hurt me if I write something here so I’m leaving it blank.

DeAndre Jordan – Really?  We’re letting insurance salesmen in now?

Marc Gasol – Token European.

Draymond Green – Draymond Green is 100% an All-Star of kicking people in the balls.  He’s that punk from Duke if he were somehow less likeable than Duke.

None of you are better than Karl-Anthony Towns!  KAT is Michael Jordan mixed with Hakeem Olajuwon mixed with Megan Fox and BBQ chicken with extra BBQ.  I have issues!

Next up the Wolves play Dallas in Minneapolis on the Friday after the All-Star break.  KAT WILL PLAY THE MAVS 1-ON-12 AND WIN!!!

GO WOLVES!

Shabazz Muhammad has been involved in a lot of trade rumors this year.  The latest buzz involves him going to Phoenix for PJ Tucker.  I’m not sure if I’m comfortable having a grown man on the team who’s named after pajamas.  Was “Onesie” Ellison unavailable?   “G-String” McGee?

To be honest, I know that PJ Tucker is a good player and a strong defender, but I’m hardcore.  I can’t abide with him being on our team after the shady bullshit he pulled on us the last time we played Phoenix.  He did everything short of injecting Towns and Wiggins with a needle of Hepatitis A.  I still don’t know how I feel about Dennis Rodman on the Bulls.  Fidel Castro didn’t play ping-pong with JFK, I’m just saying.  Enemies for life.

So I dug deep and channeled my extensive GM skills and came up with a few better trade proposals.  I’ve been hanging out on the sidewalk outside Sneaky Pete’s trying to catch Thibs and I’m pretty sure he’s going to hire me straight out when he hears these:

Trade Proposal #1: Shabazz Muhammad for Steph Curry. 

Maybe the numbers don’t add up on that but I went to Iowa public school.  We learned about tractors, Slipknot and accidentally killing Buddy Holly, not math.  But it works out for everybody.  We solve our point guard situation and the Warriors get a guy who is 20-26 years old.

Trade Proposal #2: Shabazz Muhammad for Kris Humphries. 

Hear me out.  We need a guy to boo.  Minnesotans are too nice to boo, even though it’s fun and releases endorphins (that’s probably not true.)  Humphries has been booed for ten years straight across the league for marrying a Kardashian and being on a reality show about horrible people.  But he’s also from Minnesota so we can boo him for being a jackass and we won’t feel so bad about it because it’s like yelling at your cousin for parking on the front lawn again at Christmas.  We get a guy who is okay at basketball and more Minnesotans will show up to games to work through our deeply ingrained passive-aggressive issues.  Hello ticket sales!

Trade Proposal #3: Shabazz Muhammad for local celebrity Fancy Ray McCloney

Yeah, so Fancy Ray is not a basketball player.  But hey, neither was Darko Miličić.  Just look at that last name.  It looks like even Miličić’s letters are trying to leave him.  If we can give a 4-year, 16 million dollar contract to a guy who ended up trying to be a kickboxer instead and now lives on a plum farm in Serbia, then we can sign a James Brown/Little Richard/Prince look-alike with a heart of gold (and diamonds) too.  But wait a minute…how can you trade for someone who’s not on a team?  Easy: Muhammad to Lickety Split for Fancy Ray.  We get a mascot with more energy than Crunch after a coke party and Lickety Split gets a semi-famous athlete who will increase sales for stripper shoes.  And “G-String” McGee can join too!  Win-Win!

fancyray

“My my my!  I am the BEST looking 12th man in the NBA!”

Thank me later, Thibs.

Next up we play the Pistons in Detroit Friday night.  Hopefully they didn’t trade for RoboCop.

Go Wolves!!!

 

The Timberwolves currently have a bit of an issue at the point guard position.  Longtime fan-favorite/most-hated Timberwolf Ricky Rubio is clearly on the way out.  Personally, I love Rubio.  But like my non-existent hairline, sometimes it’s best to just realize there’s no saving things.  Kris Dunn appears to be Tom Thibodeau’s favorite for the future, which probably entails standing over his bed at night yelling “REST!  REST!!  NO NIGHTMARES!!!”  However, wee-little Tyus Jones is also coming on very strong.  What to do?

perfect-strangers

Ricky Rubio, possibly heading back to Mypos. 

Since Rubio will surely be out of the picture no later than this summer, I’m going to analyze the pros and cons of Kris Dunn vs. Tyus Jones and try to figure out who is best suited to start.

KRIS DUNN

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Kris Dunn, while still at Providence, doing some kind of Licorice Whip or something?  I don’t know how kids dance these days. Photo from fxtribune.com

PROS

 

CONS

  • Those amazing ankle-breakers?  Well, he’s made like one of the shots that followed those.  That’s about as useful as doing a hand-stand on a car that’s driving into Lake Minnetonka.
  • He’s a rookie but is already almost 23, which makes him the oldest player on the Timberwolves. (Okay, not really, but kinda.  The Timberwolves probably couldn’t rent a car between the 12 of them.)
  • He’s the reason I am probably going to have to take my autographed Ricky Rubio poster and put it down in the basement next to the mouse traps and the giant painting of myself that I’m too embarrassed to display but am too egotistical to throw away.

 

mbpainting

Somebody made it for me and I gave them $50, okay?  Shut up. 

TYUS JONES

Tyus-Jones-Timberwolves-2016-BasketWallpapers.com-.jpg

Tyus really needs to quit vaping. Photo from basketballpapers.com

PROS

  • One of the best shooters on the Timberwolves.  Did I make the prettiest girl at the meth clinic joke already?
  • Minnesota native like Bob Dylan, Kevin McHale and Tay Zonday.
  • Looks like a Furby.

 

CONS

  • Nikola Pekovic almost gets more playing time than him this year and Pek is somewhere in Montenegro right now laying on a couch drinking blood from a cauldron.
  • Minnesota native.  Nobody wants to criticize a hometown prodigy.  I’m from Iowa and we’ve had to pretend like we like Slipknot for like 20 years.  Nobody deserves that.
  • Has not returned any of my tweets asking if I can have his seat on the bench when he doesn’t play for 10 games straight.

 

In conclusion, we’re screwed.  Business as usual!

Next up we play the Suns in Phoenix.  They’re on a bit of a hot streak right now.  Here’s to hoping a wild herd of javelinas drags Eric Bledsoe off before the game.

GO WOLVES!

 

thibsyelling

Photo from img.apmcdn.org

Minnesota Timberwolves head coach Tom Thibodeau is a loud son of a bitch.  His voice cuts through all the noise during a game and his is almost all you hear whether you’re watching at home, at the game or listening to a death metal band at the State Theater down the street.  He sounds like what I imagine Tom Waits would if you were punching him while he was taking a poop.

Thibs’ demeanor often gets judged, but what people don’t know is that underneath it all he’s just misunderstood.  I grew up in Iowa amongst farmers who didn’t know how to express their emotions except for grunts and barks and I am fluent in Cookie Monster.  So here’s my translation guide to understanding the true, surprisingly sensitive meaning of Thibodeau’s guttural outbursts on the sideline:

“GO GET IT!!!” – Translation:  “Our dreams are only obtainable if we go for them.  Find your spirit animal.  Mine’s a giant panda that yells at his bamboo.”

“ICE!” – Translation: “Ah shit, Dwight Howard is shooting free throws.  We’re all getting Cherry Berry!”

“RICKY!” – Translation:  Change this face.  Be happy.  Enjoy!

“KARL!!!” – Translation:  “You are the future of our team, Karl.  You’re a lovely human being and I want you to be my Tim Duncan.  That Karlito alter-ego thing is a bit weird but hey I don’t have any real human relationships because of my bunkering down Cold War era style watching constant loops of Jimmy Butler driving to the game in the hidden camera I installed in his car.  Also, please stop shooting those threes.”

“JOHN LUCAS III!!!” – Translation:  “Is John Lucas III still on our team?”

WHAT THE FUCK?! – Translation:  “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“Practice is important. The regular season is important. Your meetings are important. Your walk-through is important. Everything is important. You want to be a championship team, there’s a price to pay. And that’s what you have to do. There’s no shortcuts. You can’t shortcut your way to success.” – Translation: “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!”

“*gurgling noise*” – Translation:  “I had too much pastrami before the game and my heart-attack is imminent.”

Next up we play the Rockets at home on Wednesday.  If we can build a 25 point lead with 2 minutes left in regulation maybe we’ll only lose by ten?

GO WOLVES!

Photo from nba.com

Photo from nba.com

Exciting rookies, new veterans and a blueprint for success in the years to come…my first post of the season was supposed to be a happy one.  Instead, I find myself in shambles with the recent news that Flip Saunders lost his fight with cancer.

It’s strange to be so broken up about a man you never met and it’s difficult to explain to someone not from Minnesota what he meant to this team and this state and why we are so palpably devastated. After all, it’s just a game, right? But you see, we catch a lot of flak for being a lousy team in a cold ass state.  When people say they don’t want to live or play in this tundra and that the Timberwolves are a joke, we take it personally. Flip wanted to change all that.  He wanted to make this team great and maybe he couldn’t change the weather but he could warm up the atmosphere with a winning culture.

Flip may have been from Ohio but he was an Honorary Minnesotan and a spokesperson for us and we loved him for it.

Here are my favorite, fondest memories of Flip and his tenure with the Minnesota Timberwolves.

The 2004 Western Conference Finals – Otherwise known as the Zenith.  This is the greatest moment inTimberwolves history, even though we actually  lost.  But damnit, we were close.  Flip took this team to the brink and in my opinion the only thing that kept us from taking it all was Sam Cassell LITERALLY injuring himself doing the “Big Balls Dance“.  I can’t think of a more Minnesotan way of losing.  Flip was never pissed about it, though.  He understood the mind and soul of a player and got that sometimes you just have to grab your imaginary oversized balls in a gesture of supreme joy.  I just wish Cassell had done his big ball stretches beforehand.

Flip’s Diamond Store Commercials – This may sound like a joke but I’m being serious.  Those diamond store commercials are usually so cheesy and gross, but when Flip was in them you felt his sincerity. Normally, having a personal jeweler for over 20 years sounds about as fun as being Ricky Rubio’s shooting coach but Flip made it feel as warm as Paul Bunyon’s bosom.

The Wiggins-Love Trade – While the Conference Finals was the franchise’s greatest moment, I think this is Flip’s personal highmark.  Having the patience and balls (without any dance!) to pull off this trade without flinching is hugely underrated.  If this trade was up done by David Kahn, we would have gotten a 55-year-old Sam Bowie and a free box of Icy Hots.  Instead, we got the future of our team and Flip’s good decisions will live on.

Flip’s Blue Suits – Flip looked like the fanciest bell-hop in the world in those things.  I am always jealous of people who can wear skinny suits, because I’m built like a pear-shaped inner tube.  Flip may have worn the same suit 77% of the time but he pulled it off in style.  Also, I’ve been wearing the same jeans for two weeks so I can’t talk.

Everything – Honestly, I can list a million things about Flip that I loved.  The Gorgui Dieng pick, the Shabazz Muhammad-Trey Burke swap, his desire to run every front office position in the Timberwolves organization or his legendary humor and friendliness.  I never had the pleasure of meeting the dude but I can say that he was truly beloved by Minnesota sports fans.  He may never have gotten that NBA championship ring, but he made us feel pride in ourselves and we’ll be forever grateful for that.

Rest In Peace, Flip.