Posts Tagged ‘Miss Universe’

JJ Barea reminds me of my miniature dachshund:

Fearless.  Stubbornly persistent.  Able to get into tiny crevices whether you like it or not.  Humps things that he shouldn’t.

JJ Barea's Menudo audition photo.  From

JJ Barea’s Menudo audition photo. From

In a season full of surprises, one of the least shocking is JJ’s ability to completely take over in the 4th quarter.  But how the hell does he do it?!  He has the labored jump shot of a 7th grade girl heaving a medicine ball and he flails about like a Wet Willy toy sprinkler.  Yet it works.  I’m convinced that it’s because he’s so low to the ground that nobody can stop him.  It’s not fair to other players and there’s no end in sight unless David Stern instills a “No Oddjob” rule a la N64 Goldeneye.

What would JJ do with himself if he weren’t a basketball player?  Surely his indomitable spirit and competitive nature would spur him on to do something of importance.  In another world he could have played Tyrion Lannister on “A Game Of Thrones” or advanced penguin research by living as one of them.

Barea wasn’t the only Timberwolf who lit it up last night.  Alexey Shved, in particular, is really coming into his own.  I love these Russians!  We are 2-0 on the awesome Russian tip this year.  I think Ronald Reagan owes us all an apology for giving them a bad rap.  As far as I’m concerned, our starting five could consist of Shved, Andrei Kirilenko, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Mila Kunis and Mikhail Gorbachev’s red, bird-poop stain and we’d be good.

Oh and Kevin Love hurt himself again.  In other news basketballs bounce, Kareem Abdul-Jabar is tall and scoring more than your opponent wins the game.

Next up we play the Portland Trailblazers at home on Saturday.  Word on the street is Nikola Pekovic has a new tattoo of a grizzly bear on his forearm.  So my man crush continues.

JJ Barea, you sweet little Puerto Rican prince, you!

Okay, okay…I’m a hypocrite.  Barea’s made me curse more times than Christian Bale at a sound guy convention.  When he bounces around like a pinball in the lane I just want to shake him and yell “You’re 4’2″!  What are you doing!  You should be a jockey!”

But holy moley, did he vindicate himself last night.  14 of his 18 points came in the fourth quarter, including two threes in a row.  Against the best team in the NBA.  Who were riding a 12 game winning streak.

So congratulations, Jose Juan Barea…I award you with my “Favorite Timberwolf of the Week Award.”

This award entitles you to a few gifts:

1) A week’s worth of unlimited shoulder rides.  (You’ll finally see the world!)

2)  $5 gift card to Chipotle.

3) One free Middle Age warrior tattoo (Sorry, Pekovic has had this award for a while now.  Tattoo will also be done prison-style by me, with a pen.)

All of these wonderful gifts are yours, pending your signing of my handwritten document swearing that you will never make a stupid basketball mistake again.  In the event of said mistake, I am then entitled to:

1) A week’s worth of unlimited shoulder rides from you.  (Suck it up, Tiny…you’re a pro athlete!)

2) One free hug from your wife, Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera.

3) Another longer, more heartfelt hug from your wife.

That said, how amazing is it that we beat Oklahoma City on national television?  This was the first time the Wolves have been on TNT in SIX YEARS!  The world was a different place!  The economy was still fine as far as we knew it, smart phones were just a glimmer in Steve Jobs super-villain eyes and I lived in a shit-hole hovel that couldn’t convince an IHOP waitress to come over, much less Miss Universe Zuleyka Rivera.  (Don’t mess up, JJ.)

I think I know why we beat them.  Partially it was the combo of Kevin Love’s big game, JJ’s fourth quarter heroics and Pekovic’s slap-down of Serge Ibaka.  But really, it was because the Thunder wore their dark-blue alternate jerseys last night.  Alternate jerseys, a clever ploy by the NBA to up sales, are cursed.  Look no further than our own ill-fated Muskies jerseys from last year.  Not only did we lose most of our games wearing those god-awful rags, but Ricky Rubio went down for the season in one.  I’d rather see a crowd of screaming Deliverance extras burning an effigy of me on my front lawn than see these jerseys again.

I'd rather see a crowd of screaming people burning an effigy of me on my front lawn than these jerseys again.  Photo from

Let us never speak of them again. Photo from

I really like the Oklahoma City Thunder.  They’re young, out-of-this-world talented and have a stellar attitude.  And they’re from a small market that has a ravenous fan-base.  They’re like the San Antonio Spurs, if they didn’t make you want to eat your own face out of sheer boredom.

But today?  Suck it, Thunder!  Oh, Kevin Martin was hurt?  You really going to talk to the Minnesota Timberwolves about injuries?  We are the most injured team in the history of the NBA. Rick Adelman considered hiring a necromancer to conjure George Mikan’s bones from the grave.  Our center for a week was a cardboard cut-out of Jared from Subway.  We won!

Next up is another super tough team.  We play the New York Knicks and a guy named after a candy bar.  Fortunately, Rick Adelman is a big fan of my blog.  Yo Rick, I know how we beat these guys.  Before the game, have JJ roll into the NY locker room like Sonic the Hedgehog and swap out their jerseys with the Muskies ones.  We will win by a minimum of 45 points.  You’re welcome.  Yes, I’ll consider assistant coach duties.