Posts Tagged ‘new york knicks’

darko-milicic

I’m convinced that God hates Minnesota.

Maybe it’s because we have a town named Odin?  Maybe he hates the Mall Of America because having four magnet stores is the modern day Tower of Babel?  Maybe he thinks Atmosphere is wack?  All I know is that the Minnesota Timberwolves are 27-16 right now and we can’t jinx this shit by acting like we’re all fancy pants.

Whenever a Minnesotan thinks we’re doing all right, we get the rug pulled out from under us.  Think 2004 Wolves, think 2016 Vikings, think season 2 of the TV show “Vikings”, think Prince after the Batman soundtrack because fight me that shit was awesome, think me in yoga class when I finally got crow pose and then fell on my face and possibly farted.  We haven’t had this good of a record since I had hair and I’ve been bald for a really long time.  If we screw this season up I’m gonna lose my eyebrows from stress and then how am I supposed to act surprised when Shabazz Muhammad passes the ball?

So I’m gonna take one for the team.  Literally.

We suck.

We deserve to lose and surely this is not reverse psychology towards God and the universe.  Jimmy Butler?  Dude’s horrible.  We’d be better off with that Finnish guy who looks like Screech.  Karl-Anthony Towns plays Twitch so much because he’s trying to drown out the voices that tell him to strangle baby ducks.  Andrew Wiggins is the Defensive Player Of The Year (<— reverse psychology inside of reverse psychology, bitches!) and has a really gross smile.  Taj Gibson is LAZY.  Tyus Jones is actually from Des Moines.  Jamal Crawford is afraid to shoot because all of his tattoos are fake and they might smudge off when he moves.  Jeff Teague voted for Trump.  Gorgui Dieng’s arms are physically incapable of leaving his hips while running (this one’s actually true).  Marcus Georges-Hunt hates “Gorgeous Gorgui” because he thinks HIS nickname should be “Gorgeous Georges”, which does make more sense phonetically, but SCREW THAT LOCKER ROOM POISONER!  Belly doesn’t shovel his sidewalk in the winter and just puts down salt that hurts your dogs.  Cole Aldrich hates “Mighty Ducks”.  Aaron Brooks puts “Smooth Move” herbal laxative tea in Shabazz Muhammad’s Gatorade and it doesn’t matter because Shabazz plays three minutes a game.  Justin Patton and Anthony Brown are conspiracy theories made up by Kyrie Irving.  Tom Thibodeau is just a tree stump that someone drew a face on.  And all Timberwolves fans think Nikola Jokic is better than Towns, miss David Kahn and Kurt Rambis dearly and can’t wait until the most exciting thing at the Target Center is the Cherry Berry give-away again.

Phew.

You’re welcome.

Up next we play the Knicks in Minneapolis, where we’ll surely lose because we really screwed up by getting rid of Michael Beasley.

GO KNICKS!

Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

Photo from wikia.nocookie.net

“And with the #1 Pick in the NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select…”

Those are words that have never been said.  Officially.  I’ve said them outloud.  I said them 57 times yesterday.  I’m saying them right now while throwing confetti and giggling to myself as I type this.  Saying the Timberwolves have the #1 pick was about as much of a reality as pancakes being president.

Until yesterday.

Long live President Pancakes, because the MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES HAVE THE #1 PICK IN THE NBA DRAFT!

Who do we pick?  Do we take Jahlil Okafor?  Do we trade down and get D’Angelo Russell and another player?  What about that weird Eastern European guy whose name sounds like Portishead?  ARE YOU NUTS?!  We take Karl-Anthony Towns ten times out of ten. If Karl-Anthony Towns loses a leg, decides that Royce White is his spiritual advisor and insists on dressing like George Washington we STILL TAKE KARL-ANTHONY TOWNS!  Why?  I’m not Zach Lowe, but it’s pretty simple.  There are two potential franchise big men in the draft.  One is good at defense (Towns) and one guards the rim about as well as a Pomeranian guards a skyscraper (Okafor).  We are bad at defense.  Boom.  Towns!

Also, there’s this:

You had me at the quotation mark.

You had me at quotation marks.  Us Minnesotans are used to being shit on and snickered at.  This dude, whether he means it or not, just said all the right things.  He’s already fitting right in with Minnesotans.  Be super polite at first, push your pain and hatred deep down and then explode in uncontrollable rage seven years down the line.  THAT’S how we do it in Bunyon Town.

Now Flip just needs to draft the right player.  Minnesota has never drafted the wrong player before, right?  Who’s Steph Curry?  Never heard of him.

See you all on June 25th for the draft!

There a few NBA franchises that I consider kindred spirits.  I don’t root for these teams, but I feel their pain completely because their mismanagement, hopelessness and dumbassery feel oh so familiar to me.    It’s the exact opposite of the Lakers optimism/hubris that says “Of course we’ll be contenders next year.”  It’s the Milwaukee Bucks’ “Did you know we have a team?” vibe.  The Bobcats/Pistons “Oh shit, an NBA legend is running us into the ground and nobody can get rid of him” vibe.  The Clippers’ “Just give it four or five years and we’ll be the old Clippers again and nobody will care except Billy Crystal” vibe.  It’s the New York Knicks in general.

I’m talking about Donald Sterling, Joe Dumars, Michael Jordan, Jerry Dolan and whoever the hell is running the Milwaukee Bucks/future Supersonics right now.  (It’s rumored that David Kahn wants to buy the Bucks.  Don’t let it happen, Milwaukee!  Protest!  Riot!  Put up a camouflage shield so he can’t find your town.  He’s dumb, it’ll work!  Being last place in the league is preferable to being last place for the foreseeable future with him.)

Donald Sterling: Clippers' owner and hungry, hungry hippo. Photo from jsportsblogger.files.wordpress.com

Donald Sterling: Horrendous Clippers’ owner and hungry, hungry hippo. Photo from jsportsblogger.files.wordpress.com

As a Timberwolves fan who’s had to live through David Kahn, Flip Saunders and any other bumbling brain-dead Dodo bird with a clipboard that Glen Taylor hires, I understand.  It’s not our fault!  We’re just the fans, with no say in the decisions, but we suffer just the same.  Minnesota didn’t deserve a guy who drafted three point guards in the first round and still missed the good one.  Detroit didn’t deserve Josh Smith, the abandoned skyscraper of basketball players.  Get this: The Knicks acquired Andrea Bargnani on purpose!  I worked at Jimmy John’s in my 30s and even I’m put together enough to know that’s a bad idea.

So what to do?  We can sit here and let these numbskulls ruin the vicarious joy that we feel from other people accomplishing things, or we can put a stop to it.  You know how they elect sheriffs even though nobody seems to know why?  We need to do that with our owners and front office.  It’s election time, bitches.  Better start earning your jobs!

“What’s that, Mr. Kahn?  You’re thinking about signing Darko Milicic to a four-year 20 million dollar deal?  I don’t think that’s a good idea.  Midterm elections are coming up and Fancy Ray McCloney is rising in the polls.  He’s promised to sign Prince and make the players’ jerseys out of crushed velvet.”

"The Best Looking Man In Comedy!"

Fancy Ray McCloney – “The Best Looking Man In Comedy!”

Tonight we play our brothers in ineptitude, The New York Knicks.  Actually, I don’t want to admit it, but we’re 6-1 in the last seven games and five of our next six games are at home against losing teams.  The one away game is against the Boobcats.  I am not going to get optimistic, because every time I do, we lose.  So I’ll just leave you with something Fancy:

I think this map might overestimate the pull of the Minnesota Timberwolves' fanbase. Photo from hdwallpapers3d.com

Oh sweet, we get Wyoming! Photo from hdwallpapers3d.com

Hot damn, it’s NBA time again!

This season is full of question marks after last season’s screwball bowling injuries and salsa dancing controversies.  And that was just Andrew Bynum!  The only seemingly sure thing is the Miami Heat.  But much like Pat Riley’s perfectly coiffed, unmoving Lego hair, it feels like the whole thing could come tumbling down if all the pieces aren’t perfectly placed.

So, without further ado, my surely on-the-nose predictions for the 2013-2014 season.  Starting with the slightly improved from last year Eastern Conference:

1) Miami Heat – What can I say?  They’re the new LA Lakers. They’re monsters and even though losing Mike Miller makes them just a titch less good than last year, there still seems to be no end in sight to their domination.  That’s not even considering the low-risk, high-reward signings of Michael Beasley and Greg Oden.  And you can just forget about LeBron going back to Cleveland next year.  That’s like Miley Cyrus going back to Hannah Montana.  It’s too late.  We’ve already see your molly.

2) Chicago Bulls – Derrick Rose’s knee is either going to win a championship or explode like a pinata filled with liberals at an NRA convention.  Being a Timberwolves fan, my inclination is to believe that all injuries that can happen, will happen.  So in my mind, Derrick Rose has three weeks before a Looney Tunes anvil falls on him or he runs off a cliff.  Good luck, Chicago!  Bring an umbrella and don’t look down.

3) Indiana Pacers – I want to like the Indiana Pacers.  They’re a good team.  But they’re unfortunately located in the most wretched, backwards state in the union.  I got my car window busted out there for no reason other than that they were jealous that I was able to leave.  I would rather drink out of a BP oil slick than watch some angry hoosier talk with their peach-fuzz mustaches flapping and their John Cougar Mellancamp blasting.  “Little ditty, ’bout Jack and Diane…” Kill me.

4) Brooklyn Nets – Another team I want to like, but just don’t see it happening.  The Grim Reaper is coming for Kevin Garnett’s career this year.  Mark my words!  That dude has had a phenomenal run (his best statistical years were here in MN!) but I just believe that he’s going to be crestfallen and brittle this year. By the way, it’s been pathetic hearing Boston Celtics fans go “It’ll be so hard to see Kevin Garnett in another jersey!”  Oh yeah?  Cry me a river, Paddy.  Ask MN what that’s like!  At least you guys got a title out of it.  And you don’t get to mourn a player whose name you can’t even fully pronounce.  “Gahhhhhnett! Don’t leave, Gahhhhhhnet!”

5) New York Knicks – Here’s the problem: No way Carmelo Anthony is having that good of a season two years in a row.  Amare Stoudemire makes Greg Oden look like Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable.”  And they just signed a guy who couldn’t get decent stats in Toronto.  With Metta World Peace in the picture now, maybe the Knicks can relive some of those psychotic Charles Oakley/Anthony Mason “Sometimes we play basketball while we’re destroying souls” days.  Could Anthony Mason even raise his arms above his head?

Anthony Mason during the Knicks' 90s heyday.  Photo from comicvine.com

Anthony Mason’s 1995 Knicks team photo. Photo from comicvine.com

6) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, there were literally only two NBA teams you could watch regularly.  The Chicago Bulls on WGN and the Atlanta Hawks on TBS.  One had the greatest player of all time and rattled off six championships.  The other had an average of 10 fans in the stadium who accidentally stumbled in because they thought it was monster truck night.  Even with ‘Nique, the choice was obvious.  Water-polo in the North Pole has more fans.

7) Washington Wizards – It’s troubling that Emeka Okafor is already out indefinitely, but this is definitely a team on the rise.  John Wall hasn’t quite made the leap to superstar level, and this is the year he needs to do it.  If they can get Okafor back eventually and stay healthy otherwise, they should make the playoffs.  And poor Glen Rice Jr. has so much to live up to. His dad was an NBA all-star AND had sex with Sarah Palin. Maybe Jr. should try Michele Bachmann?

8) Detroit Pistons – There is a glimmer of hope in Detroit.  Andre Drummond, Greg Monroe, Josh Smith, Brandon Jennings, Chauncey Billups, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope III Esquire Jr.  The Pistons look great in theory!  Unfortunately, so did a stripper party at Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s house.  Thank you Detroit, for making Minnesota feel better about electing Jesse Ventura.  But I’m not going to rain on Detroit’s parade too much.  I’m rooting for them in the East.

—————————————

9) Cleveland Cavaliers – Any team relying on Andrew Bynum will fall short.

10) Milwaukee Bucks –  The Bucks made the playoffs last year with a losing record.  I’m almost positive it was on accident, because they ended up missing the lottery because of it.  The good news is, since Wisconsin is a football state, nobody will notice when they become the Seattle Supersonics.

11) Toronto Raptors – Basketball in Canada.  Need I say more?

12) Boston Celtics – Unlike the Lakers, the Celtics are used to dipping down into Awful Town for a few years.  They’ll get make it back eventually in ten years or so.

13) Charlotte Bobcats – The Minnesota Timberwolves won 22, 24 and 15 in the years that Al Jefferson played with us.  Why do the Bobcats think that Al Jefferson is their answer when they have an arguably worse team than we did?  Because they’re actually deceptively tanking to get Andrew Wiggins in the draft but don’t want to look like they’ve given up.  Well played, Charlotte.  Give me a call when you’re the Hornets again.

14) Orlando Magic – Hey, when I kept getting rejected for the prom I just stopped trying.  Take a hint, Orlando.  You’re screwed.

15) Philadelphia 76ers – I’m surprised the 76ers are even attempting to put basketball players in. I don’t recall a team giving up so completely as this one.  Two pizza dudes, my grandma and an unmanned kayak could beat this team.  Contender #1 for the “Riggin’ for Wiggins” sweepstakes.

That’s it for the Eastern Conference. Stay tuned for my predictions for the less depressing and infuriatingly tough Western Conference!

Gee, it sure would have been nice to have had our superstar player last night.

I hate Kobe Bryant, but you can’t stop that man from playing.  You could cut his head off and dangle it from the Hollywood sign and he’d still find a way to Headless Horseman to the game and have 33 points.  When Kobe retires eventually, somebody’s going to tap his knee with a tiny hammer and he’s going to crumble into a pile of dust from the collective strain of ignoring injuries for 20 years.

Kevin Love is the opposite of Kobe Bryant.  I can’t count how many big games he’s missed over the years due to hands, thumbs, knees, voodoo curses, Breaking Bad season finales and “flu-like symptoms.”  God help him when he gets a real flu.  He’ll miss a minimum of five years.

This time, he had an eye injury.  Sure!  Why not?  Didn’t he watch The Three Stooges ever?  Everybody knows you put your hand up straight on your nose and block that shit.

I think us fans are just tired of his surprise injuries.  So, to combat this, I consulted the tea leaves (I went to Starbucks) and made some predictions about what injuries Kevin Love will sustain the rest of the year:

JAN 17 – Flesh-eating virus

JAN 23 – Arm stuck in candy machine

FEB 1 – Amnesia

FEB 23 – Server at T.G.I. Friday’s made him feel bad

MARCH 1 – Rickets

MARCH 24 – Shark bite

MARCH 31 – Beach ball to the face (Damnit Kev, stay away from the beaches!)

APRIL 3 – Gets trapped in the astral plane

APRIL 4 – Knuckle push-ups while bowling with Andrew Bynum

APRIL 12 – Fork to the eye

APRIL 13 – Yeast infection

APRIL  14 – Fork to the other eye

APRIL 15 – Hunger-like symptoms

APRIL 16 – Fork to the first eye again

APRIL 17 – The farts

APRIL 20  – Falls off couch watching the NBA playoffs at home

Kevin Love hurts himself bathing.  Photo from jocksandstilettojill.com

Kevin Love hurts himself bathing. Photo from jocksandstilettojill.com