Posts Tagged ‘nikola pekovic’

The rumor mill is speculating that Kevin Martin and Nikola Pekovic are returning to the Timberwolves line-up tonight.  That’s fantastic!  Unfortunately, I believe nothing anymore.  Killer bees were supposed to be here in 1985 and kill us all.  Seven year old Mike Brody didn’t sleep at all that year.  Players returning from injury?  36 year old Mike Brody will believe it when he sees it.

It would be nice if they did come back, though.  Three of our top four players (four out of five if you count Shabazz Muhammad) are out right now.  It’s called being a Timberwolf.  We are ALWAYS hurt.  I don’t understand what our trainers are doing?  If there is a PED/steroid scandal coming in the NBA then we will get off scott-free.  I don’t think our trainers even give our players band-aids.  We have the only Christian Science medical staff.  Kevin Love’s “knuckle push-up” injury was healed through spooning and watching “Frozen” on repeat.

“Oh, your hands hurt?  LET IT GO…LET IT GOOOOOOOO!”

If Pek comes back, it would be nice to see him standing next to that other Transylvania bastard, Miroslav Raduljica, that we signed last week.  Miroslav!  What a name!  It sounds like the world’s worst condiment.

“Yeah, yeah…dry-ass bagels again.  Put some of that Miroslav on there. No, no…gimme the radish kind.”

Look at how much more scary a full beard makes an Eastern-European:


Miroslav before: “Hi guys, did you watch ‘Glee’ last night?”

"I smile because I've eaten three kneecaps today."

Miroslav after: “I smile because I’ve eaten three kneecaps today.”

So tonight we play the Dallas Mavericks in Minneapolis.  I’m excited to see former Wolf JJ Barea again.  It’s like seeing an old girlfriend at the theater with their new boyfriend.  Except you’re not jealous, you just watch and chuckle as they run around with their new nightmare spilling Hawaii Punch on their Kanye West shirt and stealing the non-electric vacuum.  Enjoy the douchebag, Dallas!

I don't want to jinx it, but I think there's a 100% chance of this happening. Photo from

I don’t want to jinx it, but I think there’s a 100% chance of this happening in Minnesota. Photo from

1-0, baby!

Any way you slice it, the Minnesota Timberwolves are tied for the #1 winning percentage in the league.  Top of the heap.  The New Jersey Nets and Kevin Garnett have a 0% win record at 0-1.  Ouch!  The Miami Heat?  1-1.  Not good enough for the top, chumps!

Here are my impressions from the first game of the season, other than our glorious, perfect record:

– Kevin Love looks great.  He’s in shape and appears strong and healthy.  Not only that, but he had 32 points, 17 rebounds, scored the big three-pointer that pushed us into overtime and had zero knuckle pushups.  Hooray!

Kevin's come a long way since Burger Time Kev.

Kevin’s come a long way since Burger Time Kev.

– Our two big new additions, Corey Brewer and Kevin Martin, played big roles.  Brewer had 16 points and made some key plays.  Martin shot poorly, but he still had 23 points.  And when he scored, it was at pivotal times.  It’ll take some getting used to his weird slingshot heave, but they usually go in, so screw it.  Nobody cares what the cook looks like, as long as the food tastes good.  And right now it tastes like three-point gravy and lay-up pizza.  I’m so hungry.

– A couple interesting DNPs (Did Not Plays): Shabazz Muhammad and Derrick Williams.  I’m interested to find out what Shabazz can do.  He’s just a rookie, so I’m sure he’ll get his chance after some hazing.  But I’ve seen enough of Derrick Williams.  He’s a lemon.  We wanted a Dodge Charger and we got a Plymouth Sundance with mothballs in the trunk and Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass in the tape deck.  And we’ve already got a “Spanish Flea.”

– Orlando’s Victor Oladipo is a baller.  He’s definitely an early front-runner for Rookie Of The Year.  Hopefully, Orlando will have a little better luck keeping their #2 pick in a Magic uniform than other famous #1s.

Dwight Howard Shaq Magic

No matter what Oladipo says, don’t let him call himself “Superman.” Photo from

Next up we play the Oklahoma City Thunder at home.  Will our record fall by a whopping 50%?  Or will be win and remain statistically the greatest team on the planet?  To the Target Center!

Well, it’s been a pretty productive off-season for the Timberwolves so far.  And by productive, I mean not soul-suckingly horrible.  We didn’t draft 15 point guards or hire Jesse Ventura as our new head coach or turn our jerseys into armless ponchos or anything else that sadly isn’t out of the realm of possibility for us.  Being a Timberwolves’ fan is a lot like being Amanda Bynes’ parents.  Sometimes no news is good news.  Staying put is going forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves.

That said, a few things have happened this off-season, both good and bad:

GOOD: We signed Kevin Martin, which I talked about here. Hooray!

BAD: Shabazz Muhammad was kicked out of the NBA’s Rookie Transition Program, intended to teach rookies how to follow the rules, for bringing an “unapproved” woman into his hotel room.  I’ll assume that meant they weren’t supposed to have guests, not that she was ugly and no one approved of it.  Muhammad was fined and will have to take the course again next summer.  Screw it, do it again next year!  Nobody likes presentations and power points about being a goody two-shoes.  What is this, the Peace Corps?  They’re 20 year old kids!  Keep bringing more (visually approved) women every year and put off the course until you’re 35.  The dude has serious acne issues, Flip.  His chin looks like a sheet of sandpaper that someone glued Kix cereal to.  Be happy that he’s pulling down some.  If anything, try and hook him up with a girl who has a kink-fetish about guys who actually pass the basketball.  Win-win!

BAD: Andrei Kirilenko signed with the Brooklyn Nets.  I’m sad to see AK-47 go, but let’s be honest: He had the durability of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz (and the hair!)  We just need people who won’t get injured, and AK is not that man.  Besides, there was some seriously shady shit going on in that Nets deal.  Kirilenko signed for $7 million less with the Nets than he would have gotten in Minnesota.  Is it a coincidence that the owner is also a Russian, worth billions and appears to have all the forgiveness, understanding and power-madness of Vladimir Putin at a Pussy Riot benefit for gay rights?  Here’s how this went down:

NETS RUSSIAN SUPER-VILLAIN OWNER MIKHAIL PROKHOROV:  We would like you to sign with us, comrade.  3 million sounds fair, yes?  Also, if you don’t agree, I will pull all your toenails off with pliers and feed them to your butthole.

AK-47:  Deal.

GOOD: Nikola Pekovic re-signs for five years!  YES!  I’m going to admit, I’ve been seriously freaking out the possibility of him not coming back all summer.  Pek is my favorite Timberwolf.  There’s nobody like him.  He’s a mountain.  He’s old school and a giant among girly-men.  You think Mikhail Prokhorov could intimidate him into signing there?  Bitch please, Pek is from Montenegro!  He’ll pull off his own nails and make YOUR butthole eat them.  Sadly, outside of Minnesota and Montenegro, most people have no clue who Big Pek is.  They’re still cracking that lame “He looks like the villain from Superman 2” joke.  We thought of that three years ago!  Catch up, chucklefuck!  Got any Allen Iverson “We talkin’ ’bout PRACTICE!!!” memes you want to debut on us there, Johnny Carson?

Whatever, he’s our little secret.  For now.  But you’ll know over the next five years, when you wake up with a cracked skull just from watching him destroy your sorry team on NBA League Pass.  See that turkey leg in the picture below?  That’s not turkey, that’s what’s left of Andrew Bynum.  That vest is made from the charred remains of Brook Lopez’ weird hair.  And the Santa hat is made from the flacid, limp appendages of Dwight Howard.

We comin’.  (Please, nobody get hurt.)

It's Pekmas in August! Photo from

It’s Pekmas in August! Photo from

Go Timberwolves!  Playoff bound in 2014!!!

Okay, so maybe I was a little emo on my last post.  However, in true Minnesota never-admit-defeat-because-defeat-requires-awkward-feelings fashion, I have 100% recovered mentally and spiritually.

I was upset that we drafted alleged team-cancer and confirmed fuck-face, Shabazz Muhammed.  That was last week.  Now, I think he’ll be Rookie of the Year.  Why?  Because why not!?  We are the Timberwolves.  There’s no use rationalizing this stuff.  You can use all the advanced statistics you want to tell me that Player A has a better blippity-blop than Player B in the post bloppity-blip, but the truth of the matter is that some witch doctor in the French Caribbean has been sticking needles into a Minnesota Timberwolves since just after the Kevin Garnett days.  But now Garnett is a Brooklyn Net, so the curse is over.  DON’T RATIONALIZE IT!!!

And with that I would like to welcome the newest Minnesota Timberwolf, Kevin Martin:  Holy crap!  Somebody purposely choose to play for us.  And he’s black!  And his knees aren’t made out of wishes!  And he’s not KENYON MARTIN (I checked twice.)  Hot damn!

Kevin Martin: The most accurate awful-looking shot in history. Photo from

Kevin Martin shoots like he’s playing darts, but it goes in somehow.  Photo from

Because of this alone, I am predicting that we finish at least as high as the Denver Nuggets next year.  I don’t even know who plays for them anymore.  That team is disappearing faster than a pile of coke on Chris Anderson’s coffee table.  Throw in that we also re-signed the fairest maiden of them all, Chase Budinger, and it’s been a pretty good couple days for the Timberwolves.  All we need to do now is re-sign Pekovic.  We have to.  Give him whatever he wants.  A pile of skulls, a giant mutton chop from a dragon, the Holy Grail DVD or whatever medieval shit Pek’s into.  Dress up Troy Hudson like Rapunzel.  Or a big contract.  Whatever!  Make it happen, Flip!

Speaking of Flip, I like him infinitely better than David Kahn, with one minor negative:  There’s no easy “KAHHHNNNNNNN!” catch-phrase to yell when we’re mad at him.  Granted, the point of Flip’s hiring is that we’re NOT supposed to be mad at him as much as Kahn, but this is the Timberwolves after all.  After a quick brainstorm off the top of my head I came up with:

1) “Fuck you, Flip!”  (See, I told you it wasn’t easy.)

2) “MANATEE!”  (Flip looks like a sad manatee.)

Flip Saunders Manatee


3) “KAAAHHHHNNNNNNN!”  (We can still blame him for at least another five years.  It’s valid.)

Now, for the love of God, let’s make the playoffs next year.  Go Wolves!

Photo from

Photo from

31 wins, 51 losses.

Soak it in, Timberwolves fans.  This asinine, infuriating, brain-melting shit-pocket of a season is the best record we’ve ever had without Kevin Garnett.  We’ve been a team since 1989, when Hypercolor and Milli Vanilli were popular.  We are a sad, cursed bunch.

Our core group of Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio and Nikola Pekovic played a total of 13 minutes together this season.  That’s a real stat.  The drum solo in “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” is longer than that.  That’s not even mentioning the injuries to Chase Budinger, Brandon Roy, Malcolm Lee and Andrei Kirilenko.  And still we won 31 games.

There’s so many questions about next year that I don’t even want to open myself up for the disappointment.  Will Kevin Love be 100%?  Will Rick Adelman return as head coach?  Will David Kahn be fired and if so will he be replaced by Jesse Ventura?  Can we move to the East already, so we can lose 85% of our games and still make the playoffs.  Fuck you, Milwaukee.  You’re Chicago’s gimpy, dirty cousin and nobody likes you.  You’re where people go when they’ve been run out of town but still have meth to sell.  You’re the North Vegas of the Midwest.  You smell like cabbage.  I hope Miami wins by 150 while watching re-runs of “Laverne & Shirley” because that’s how easy it is to beat you.

By sheer probability and statistics, we have to be good again sooner or later, right?  They say that if a monkey types on a typewriter infinitely that it’ll eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare.  I don’t know what’s scarier, this immortal, ADHD monkey or the fact that chimpanzee King Lear will probably exist before the headline “NBA Champions – The Minnesota Timberwolves” does.

I love the Minnesota Timberwolves.  I will continue to support them rain or shine.  Here’s my Timberwolves wishlist for the summer:

1) Be healthy.

2) Draft a player who doesn’t suck.

3) Fire people who are stupid.

4) Re-sign Pekovic.

5) Meet Prince and steal his high heels.

6) Find more Russians.  They don’t hate snow.

7) Remove all walls, fridges and anything punchable from Kevin Love’s apartment.  Preferable: House him in a sponge bubble.

8) Erect a statue of Pooh Richardson and Tony Campbell holding hands.

9) Sign Dwight Howard.

10) Inject Dwight Howard with PCP-laced heroin and leave him at Hazeldon with a note saying “I do bath-salts if nobody punches me in the balls.”

Thanks for reading this season.  I’ll post when things of interest happen this off-season, but otherwise see you next year.  Go Wolves!

Well, the Academy Awards were last night.

You know it’s a depressing season when that’s my opening line.  This year’s Timberwolves feels more like the Razzies.

We lost again yesterday by one point to Golden State after leading most of the game.  If Minnesota were a movie, we’d be Water World.  Lots of money spent and a questionable Kevin.

If we’re going to be doling out awards, I’d like to give a few to the Timberwolves.  Welcome to the First Annual Tony Campbell Awards!

The Tony Campbell Award.  This is not the Tony Campbell from the Timberwolves but he's the only Tony Campbell I could find on Google holding an award.  Photo from

The Tony Campbell Award. I couldn’t find a photo of former Minnesota Timberwolf Tony Campbell holding an award so this Tony Campbell will have to do.  To excellence!  Photo from

Best Gimp:

And the Tony goes to Kevin Love for getting significantly injured not once, but twice in the same season.  When Love broke his hand doing knuckle push-ups/punching a wall, we thought the season was over.  But then, like Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects, he surprised everyone by shuffling his way back to the team before breaking it again by waving hi to his mom or not bracing himself against the wind or something.  Can he come back and break his hand a third time this season to complete the elusive hat-trick of pussy injuries?

Best Last Resort:

And the Tony goes to Luke Ridnour for not missing any long stretches of time this year.  Luke is the Kevin Bacon of basketball.  He’s nobody’s first choice, but he’ll do.

Best Extra:

Chris Johnson.  He’s actually just a former mannequin for Jack Sikma’s sport coat that they roll out to make the roster official.

"Um, Chris?  It's Family Night man, can you put some clothes on please?"  Photo from

“Um, Chris? It’s Family Night, can you put some clothes on please?” Photo from

Best Foreign Player:


Best Failed Lottery Pick:

Derrick Williams.  Derrick narrowly beat out Jonny Flynn, Corey Brewer and Wesley Johnson for this honor.  He was the #2 pick in the 2011 draft and I bet he would go at least in the second round of the 2013 draft.  For a Timberwolves pick, that’s amazing!

And finally, the Tony for most likely not to be here next year (i.e. The Michael Beasley Award) goes to:

Wow!  It’s a seven way tie between Derrick Williams, Greg Steimsma, Brandon Roy, Nikola Pekovic, Chris Johnson, JJ Barea and the entire Timberwolves fanbase.  The only guarantee for next year is that we will be called the Timberwolves and that putting the ball in the hoop is optional.

Next up we play one of the few teams with a more depressing future than us: the Suns in Phoenix.  Maybe a roving pack of havalinas will steal us all away and end the misery.

I’m running out of injury jokes.

This is pathetic.  Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Chase Budinger, Brandon Roy, Josh Howard, Malcolm Lee, JJ Barea, Andrei Kirilenko and Lazar Haywood have all been injured significantly this season or are completely out for the rest of the year.  Now add to the pile: Nikola Pekovic and Alexey Shved, who both got hurt last night.  Our goddamn coach has missed half a dozen games.  Derrick Williams and Luke Ridnour are the only major players to not get hurt and that’s because Luke can’t afford to miss a game and Derrick’s too dumb to realize that’s the thing to do.   I say we bring back our Muskie jerseys from last season.  Maybe the curse of those jerseys will negate the curse of this season and we’ll magically heal?

The Minnesota Timberwolves' prospects for the future.  Photo from

The newest addition to the Timberwolves team. Photo from

I will continue to watch and root for the Timberwolves, because they are my team and I’m not going to stop now.  But the season has become about two things for me:

1) I hope the Lakers don’t make the playoffs.  Or, at the very least, I just want them to continue to in-fight and suck and cry like a rich kid that doesn’t get their own helicopter.  God, I hate the Lakers.  I hate their spoiled, pampered, bandwagon-fake fans.  I hate Kobe Bryant and his wishing-he’s-Jordan, wannabe ass.  I hate Lamar Odom and he doesn’t even play for them anymore.  And guess what, bitches?  Five of your 16 championships are from the MINNEAPOLIS Lakers, so as far as I’m concerned the Celtics are up six rings on you.

2) Let’s get a lottery pick.  Is it even possible to make a bad choice?  We just need bodies.  Throw a dart at a dartboard.  Draft a baseball player.  Draft a crash test dummy.  Draft THE Crash Test Dummies.

Once there was this boy who
Got into an accident while doing knuckle push-ups
But when he finally came back
His hand re-broke again in the same place
They said that it was from when
His hand smashed the wall so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this boy who
Tore his ACL while colliding with a rapist
But when he finally came back
He seemed to forget how to play basketball
He couldn’t quite explain it
He’d always just known how

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both of those boys were glad
Cause one kid had it worse than that

Cause then there was this boy whose
team made him retire because he had no cartilege in his knees
And when he tried to come back
His knees said are you fucking kidding me
He couldn’t quite explain it
He didn’t know that knees talked

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Next up, we play the Houston Rockets, who’ve also lost five games in a row.  What’s their excuse?  I guess I’d rather suck by acts of God instead of just plain sucking.